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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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I think that a lot of people just don’t know what to do when someone they know is really ill. Looking back, I didn’t visit some people that I thought I wasn’t sufficiently close to for them to want me there when they were so ill. Now I wish that I had done that. An invitation would have made me feel OK. I would say, reach out with a practical suggestion, don’t wait for them to come to you. You are no worse off if the worst that you are thinking now, turns out to be true. Get set up with a good email, and send it off in bursts to anyone you can think of that could help you and your mother.
My relatives only wanted to see my mother near her EOL. I was living with her out of absolute necessity and asked them why they didn't visit her a few years prior. They didn't want to listen and arrived in two groups of people. That took a LOT out of mother, BUT she enjoyed them very much.💞
I too found relatives and fair weather friends abandoned Us when I had been caring for my Mother Who suffered from alzheimer's in Her last year's ? and I felt so sad and sorry for my Mother RIP. Since I knew they were well aware of Moms diagnosis I never reached out to them as I knew they felt uncomfortable with the Illness and did not know how to deal with It. Of coarse when Mom died they reappeared and offered all kinds of help, except It was too late then because Mother was no longer with Us, and I did not make myself available any more. A line had been drawn in the sand and Life teaches Us that We must live with Our decisions.
Do you reach out to them and they say NO or they just don't reach out to your mom?
If you haven't heard from them, it's high time to reach out to them. If they've declined invites in the past, then, I guess it might be time to move on and find other social outlets for you and mom.
Zennie62..I hear you! My siblings all Iive 2 hrs or less and have taken the same approach. There’s an occasional weekly phone call or more often a text. The only attempts to see Mom are if I’m willing to bring Mom to them. The claim is a busy hectic work schedule. But seriously! After the brief calls, they will contact me and say “Mom sounds good!” What I want to say is come and spend a couple hours so you can see her real condition. It is frustrating and hurtful. My DH reminds me that all I am responsible for are my actions. Mom is kind and always accepts their excuses or makes up something...LOL
My mom was totally ignored by family including a son, couple of grandchildren and her own brothers and sisters. I don’t blame them. She as rude, constantly tried to guilt everyone with something. I lived with her for almost 10 years. I finally couldn’t take it anymore. I moved from Ohio to Maine. She then wanted to move to Maine. I agreed and she was like a different person. She lived in a senior apt complex and participated in everything. We went out to lunch and shopping. Very nice way to remember her.
Amazing! But my own MIL was a pain until she moved into a facility and FIL died three weeks later. It seemed as if she suddenly realised that she wasn't in control, and if she wasn't nice to people she was on her own!
If you are willing, have you thought about inviting a few people over? Keep it small and simple. Have them over for a couple of hours with a simple menu. Ask whomever you invite to RSVP. I don't think guilt works. Some people don't get the clue. I would be factual. (e.g. I have to tell you Mom and I really miss your company.) If your Mom can go out, how about going to something you both enjoy?
If she can get in the car, call one of them and ask if you can drop by on a Sunday afternoon. It will also help mom by getting her out and about. Younger folks tend to get things done on Saturdays to prepare for the next week with work, school, kids, etc. Sunday afternoons (before sports come on the TV) may be a little more relaxed. Also, try more phone calls to these people from your mom...not from you. At least she got to talk to them.
When people don’t want to commit they will provide ridiculous excuses as for why. If this happens don’t be shocked or even take it personally because they wouldn’t be there for anyone. Don’t push the matter because if they are telling you they don’t want to be involved, then believe them.
If they do force themselves to visit it is usually for a very short while so don’t cook all day for a 15 minute visit. Serve something quick and simple.
I think that people are afraid or uncomfortable about visiting. Maybe they would like to remember the elder as they were. My son’s only memory of one of my favorite uncles is “the little man who sat in the corner”, not at all how I remember him but he was only 6 and uncle was suffering from pancreatic cancer. People are afraid they are disturbing you or Mom will be napping.
I agree with some of the others here. Set up a social visit, pick a time when Mom is usually at her best. Give them a few options so they can work around their schedule. “Mom & I would love to see you, we were hoping you could stop in for dinner on your way home from work some night next week. Would Tuesday or Wednesday work for you?”
Ask a favor. “I need some time away from Mom to go to (whatever) (medical appointment, bloodwork, the grocery store), could you come and sit with Mom for an hour? I’ll set out a snack in case she gets hungry.”
“Mom wanted cake so I’m baking one for her but it will be too much for us to eat. Want to stop in and have a piece or take some home to the family?”
Call "Aunt Betty" up and ask if she will come over for coffee next Saturday. Call your "Niece Bethany" and ask if she would help with a project. Call your old friend "Susie" and ask if she can come for lunch on Friday. If they show up...great...if they don't ...there is not much you can do to change them all you can do is change your expectations. If mom can still get out and socialize the local Senior Center might have programs she would be interested in and some will "buddy up" 2 seniors that will get together at least 1 day a week at the center or even on the phone. A support group for you might be a good idea as well. You will make new contacts and will be meeting with people that understand that old friends and some relatives seem to drop off the face of the earth. Not to make excuses but...others continue with their lives and life gets busy and time gets away..then it becomes uncomfortable when they realize it has been 6, 9, 12 months since they have talked to you and then they may be embarrassed. You making a call to them inviting them may remove some of the embarrassment or it may make it worse.
Can you schedule an occasional luncheon at your house or mom's? Perhaps a game night? Even if your mom can't participate, she will enjoy the company.
My mom likes people but is still rather reclusive. I invited my friends' parents to my house and hired someone to play the piano. Though the 10 people had not known eacg other previously, they had fun talking, singing and eating.
If that's too expensive, how about a Sunday potluck to watch a game? In this age of over scheduling, sometimes people just need an "event" on their calendars.
Is it worth forcing people? If it is not from the heart, it’s phony. Not worth it. So sorry your mom is lonely. Give her an extra hug. Make new friends. Don’t guilt anyone. No one responds to guilt. Would you want someone to make you feel guilty? I doubt it.
Oh but it does work, we read about it working everyday here.
It is not a good thing and it should not be used, but I am continually amazed by how many people feel guilty for setting and/or enforcing boundaries with the elders in their lives.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Moms diagnosis I never reached out to them as I knew they felt uncomfortable with the Illness and did not know how to deal with It. Of coarse when Mom died they reappeared and offered all kinds of help, except
It was too late then because Mother was no longer with Us, and I did not make myself available any more. A line had been drawn in the sand and Life teaches Us that We must live with Our decisions.
If you haven't heard from them, it's high time to reach out to them. If they've declined invites in the past, then, I guess it might be time to move on and find other social outlets for you and mom.
If they do force themselves to visit it is usually for a very short while so don’t cook all day for a 15 minute visit. Serve something quick and simple.
I agree with some of the others here. Set up a social visit, pick a time when Mom is usually at her best. Give them a few options so they can work around their schedule. “Mom & I would love to see you, we were hoping you could stop in for dinner on your way home from work some night next week. Would Tuesday or Wednesday work for you?”
Ask a favor. “I need some time away from Mom to go to (whatever) (medical appointment, bloodwork, the grocery store), could you come and sit with Mom for an hour? I’ll set out a snack in case she gets hungry.”
“Mom wanted cake so I’m baking one for her but it will be too much for us to eat. Want to stop in and have a piece or take some home to the family?”
Call your "Niece Bethany" and ask if she would help with a project.
Call your old friend "Susie" and ask if she can come for lunch on Friday.
If they show up...great...if they don't ...there is not much you can do to change them all you can do is change your expectations. If mom can still get out and socialize the local Senior Center might have programs she would be interested in and some will "buddy up" 2 seniors that will get together at least 1 day a week at the center or even on the phone. A support group for you might be a good idea as well. You will make new contacts and will be meeting with people that understand that old friends and some relatives seem to drop off the face of the earth.
Not to make excuses but...others continue with their lives and life gets busy and time gets away..then it becomes uncomfortable when they realize it has been 6, 9, 12 months since they have talked to you and then they may be embarrassed. You making a call to them inviting them may remove some of the embarrassment or it may make it worse.
My mom likes people but is still rather reclusive. I invited my friends' parents to my house and hired someone to play the piano. Though the 10 people had not known eacg other previously, they had fun talking, singing and eating.
If that's too expensive, how about a Sunday potluck to watch a game?
In this age of over scheduling, sometimes people just need an "event" on their calendars.
It is not a good thing and it should not be used, but I am continually amazed by how many people feel guilty for setting and/or enforcing boundaries with the elders in their lives.