On this site a lot of people talk about their narcissistic parent. What are the traits of a narcissistic parent?

My mother has always confused me, and four-fold now that she is declining. Reading these and other entries here about narcissistic parent behavior has been an epiphany for me. I have many similar stories about my mom, including her anti-social behavior. Thank you to everyone who shared your experiences, concerns and thoughts, I am grateful for your candor - you have helped me.

SueC, you are spot on with the article. My mom was adopted when she was little and told me she had been in and out of orphan homes until she was finally taken in by the woman who I grew up knowing as grandma, who loved mom and vice versa very much. But even so, Mom would be put in the closet when she misbehaved (90 years ago) and threatened to be returned to the home if she didn't behave. So yes, looking back I see the reason for her going with the "mean look" and then being sweet and back and forth.

She also never has seemed to have empathy and still thinks of herself and her wants over someone else's.

So, the latest, dinner with Mom and 2 daughters, oldest who has always been "right" and competitive and cannot "read between the lines". Younger daughter lives with mom and me and truly understands mom's behavior. So tonight, older daughter picked mom up to meet for dinner after work for younger daughter and I. Mom must have told her that her back hurts but she "didn't want to bother me because I am going on a vacation in a week".  And of course older daughter who visits occasionally is mad at me and telling me what I need to do for her grandma.   Here's the rest of the story.

Last night and this morning Mom had absolutely no back pain complaints. She has arthritis and chronic discomfort in her back and takes Tylenol. Last night mom and I were laughing all the way through a couple of TV movies. This morning she walked the same taking the dogs out, no grimaces, nothing. And I asked her if she had any falls today or if something happened and she said no. 

Here's the deal.... I was not going to tell her about my vacation ( a week to myself to destress from a 60-70hr. week job and caregiving )  until right at the time I was leaving (youngest daughter lives with us and she and her boyfriend do very well watching over grandma), but decided to go ahead and tell her about it a couple of days ago. BIG mistake.... now she is doing the SAME thing she has done in the past.... start exhibiting health issues that are not and were not there in the past..... to keep me from leaving.

Some years ago after Dad had passed away, I used to come and stay with Mom over the holidays and leave for the next job contract in January. She would start coming up with she couldn't breathe, she was having trouble breathing when she would walk.... after taking her to the doctor and being told that everything was fine, it finally dawned on me that it was anxiety... she did not want me to leave and that was how she was trying to get me stay. Another time, before leaving for a longer contract, she didn't eat right, didn't drink enough liquids, and I was seriously contemplating breaking the contract and not going, but my youngest daughter told me to go on that she would take care of it. She did. Mom was taken to the hospital and was dehydrated. Since those times, I have realized what she does and been stronger (oldest daughter thinks I am mean and nasty) and firmer with her and called her bluff. I talked with her and told her that it was her choice if she didn't want to eat or drink, that no one including me was going to force her to do either. But if she did that again, she would have to go the hospital again.

Mom has never been the one to talk to if I wanted her to be happy for me; she can't. She doesn't know how. So again, I have just been reminded, that she is doing what she can to keep me here. Of course I will watch her over the next few days and if she is truly having pain, I will take her to be X-ray-d or MRI'd, but I should have known better and not told her. And in the future, I won't. Hope this helps someone else to understand and prepare yourself.

I don't know if my mom would qualify as a full blown narcissist, but if not she definitely has NPD traits.

With her, everything has always been "all about me." And it's always felt like I'm the parent and she the child. It's always been a role reversal like this in a sense.

Three years ago, before I got pregnant with my youngest, I had a miscarriage. I had told some family about it, but had not told mom. I've always kept stuff to myself with her because she really doesn't care what I'm going through except how it affects her. Well, sure enough, she found out and called to yell at me about how upset she was that "she lost a grandchild and didn't even know it." There was no "I'm so sorry" "Are you doing ok?", etc. Just angry at me for not telling her.

Add to all of her "normal" personality traits her paranoia and delusions, and now cognitive and memory impairment, and you can just imagine..it's either drama with her or a list of things to do. No consideration for anything I might have going on in my life nor any appreciation for what I do for her. I do what I can, and make sure she is well cared for, but I have better boundaries than I did before.

Hm. Yes, I'd say your mother certainly notched up quite a few credits towards her full NPD qualification there, Frazzled, wouldn't you?

I hope you thanked her for her touching concern.

I'm so sorry you went through this.

Hi demstress:

The psych central article really did not appear to apply to narcissistic personality disorder.

NPD is more about lacking empathy and being competitive with their own children and grandiose regarding their own personal achievements and acting like a two-year-old.

People who start new careers, or care about their appearance do not necessarily have a personality disorder. In fact, I think that article is very ageist.  It is also harmful, IMO, to make this claim regarding older people who re-school, re-career or care about their appearance or health.

IMO, it's healthy for older people to re-school or seek a second career after retirement or to care about their appearance.

Working and going back to school is known to prevent dementia and Alzheimers and it is not a given that an elderly person will have dementia or Alzheimers.

My grandfather lived to be 98 and was always as sharp as a tack. His body was failing some, but not his mind.

Contrastingly, people with NPD often act as if they are stuck in their terrible twos and that is why they often appear to have dementia or Alzheimers even in their 20s. They are also very often mean and spiteful, either overtly or passive aggressively.

The way to distinguish the childlike qualities dementia or Alzheimer patients develop from a person with NPD is the timeline.

For example: Someone with NPD will have thrown tantrums and acted like a self-absorbed two year old ALL THEIR LIFE.


While a person with dementia or Alzheimers will suddenly develop this trait, after diagnosis.


Also there are two types of NPD.  One is overt npd.  Where the person is very pompous and arrogant along with all the other traits of NPD.


The other is the covert narcissist.  They often act insecure and play the victim to get sympathy.  Although they may laugh at the people who respond sympathetically to the, behind their backs.  The covert types play the same deceitful mind games, but do it more passive aggressively.


IMO, the Covert NPD is more dangerous because it is more difficult for outsiders to see them the same way the victim does. Therefore, the victim is often not believed when they complain of the passive aggressive abuse.

[ Sue C1957 wrote:

This is amazing to me! To think that my pompous, entitled, "better than everyone else" mother was narcissistic because she was VULNERABLE?

Wow, I can't wrap my head around that theory. What a strange manifestation of vulnerablility. 🤔

Who knew?

So that's why mom was married 4 times. That's why she pushed me away at 5 when I went to hug her! THAT'S why she told me never to depend on a man! This is a "lightbulb moment" for me!

What do ya'll think of this? ]
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Sue C:

NPD is a spectrum disorder, with the very malignant Npd being very similar to a sociopath or a psychopath.

In Studies regarding psychopaths when asked what it was they wanted most from people....the answer was "their pity".   The psychologist conducting the study were thrown off because they expected them to say that they wanted other poeple's admiration or fear.

So if an NPD is acting vulnerable and insecure, it is likely a way to gain control over their victim.

They may act insecure and vulnerable but they use this to guilt and control their victim.

If you have ever heard an NPD laughing about this guilting/control behavior you will soon realize that giving them sympathy is the worst thing you can do.

Heather,
I thought the article was saying that BECAUSE of their underlying vulnerablility, they act self righteous, self absorbed, etc. to COVER UP the vulnerablility.

I guess you could also have a narcissist that would use insecurity as a tool but that certainly wasn't MY mother. She came off as a Queen to everyone, except the rich, extremely intelligent individuals or government officials. Then she came off as one of them. 
No pity at all for the poor or less fortunate-in other words, no tolerance. Like her ______ didn't stink and always with that darn "hauty" attitude.

Good news is that, at end stage 6 Alzheimer's, there is no more NPD. It's all gone because her mind is all gone too. :(

She looked at me a couple weeks ago and told me that she loved me. I darned near started crying. That was the first time I'd heard it said like THAT.....I guess like she really means it. 

Maybe that's the reason we both had to travel this horrible journey down dementia lane, so I could hear those words like I've been wanting to for 61 years. Even though I've built a wall to "protect" me from her, at that moment, I told her I loved her too.

WHY couldn't we have done this for the last 61 years? Oh well, at least I have caught a glimpse of who my mother really is before she dies. She's 95-1/2. She certainly waited til the last moment.

I will treasure the look in her poor little lost eyes because I think she (finally) really meant it.

Gotta get a Kleenex 😢

Once as a child, I remember a nasty bicycle accident. Bruised and bleeding, I rushed to Mom for first aid and comfort. Her response was irritation. She never examined my injuries. She told me to suck it up and leave her alone; she was busy.

She informed me my brother that we were accidents. When I was a young mother she declared I "had no business having children." A conscientious mom, I planned for and cherished my children.

Not many years ago I overheard her tell a friend I was her rival for my father's affection. Her resentment, she said, was justified. That was the first I'd ever heard it verbalized. I already knew about the penalty for loving and being loved.

During the acute mourning phase after my father's death, I told Mom about how much I missed him. She responded, "Well, how do you think I feel? _____ was my husband, whereas he was just your father!"

Feelings are no longer shared with Mom. Good feelings will be crushed. Bad feelings are stockpiled and used for future torment. I let her talk about her favorite subject: herself. One cannot expect validation or sympathy from the self-absorbed.

In my husband it is like this: I was in the hospital from a car wreck. I had multiple things wrong with me. Oxygen, tubes, monitors etc. I was very sick. He comes in the room and doesn't ask how I am, he says I'm suffering too, what about me, what about me. He keeps saying what about me. He wasn't hurt in the accident at all. He was staying in a nearby hotel. He said the mattress was lumpy. I was dying. That's it.

Can't Dance,
I remember when my 7 year old son fell off his bike. He was scratched up but was more shaken up. Being the nurse mom, I doctored his wounds and hugged and kissed him. He asked me if he was going to die! I spent the next 5 minutes reassuring him that the worst was already over.

I can not imagine NOT being involved when your child is hurt. I would think that would be ingrained into the fiber of being a mother. (I know some people can't stand the sight of blood so have dad do the doctoring but mom can still kiss the boo-boo's.)

After my Mom and Dad were divorced (I was 5), many years later Dad shared with me that Mom "was as cold as a fish". We both grew away from her.

Tev,
You deserve SO much better!

I hope you made a full recovery from your injuries. 🙏🏼

SueC1957:

Your mother was the overt type of narcissist. They can be easier to deal with at times.

Regarding your, Mom's changed personality.

It's possible, from a neurological perspective, that the brain may have made connections to your mother's emotional centers (Amygdala) through another pathway because the dementia damage another part of her brain.

I am so glad you got to experience an NPD who is now in touch with her emotional side.

Please enjoy it. I am glad for you. What a gift.