How do you not feel bad for getting rid of a hoarders stuff?

Hoarding is a mental illness as you already know. Having your mom present when you are trying to get rid of the hoard will get you nowhere as she will attach meaning to every little scrap and be unable to get rid of it. I can relate to a lot of things, a lot of mental illness, but hoarding I could just never wrap my mind around it. I learned about it in a college course I took so I only know about it in theory. And rule #1 is unless there is a professional there at the house while your mom is there don't try to clean it up alone with your mom by your side.

If the chore of getting through all of that stuff has fallen to you all I can suggest is that you take it one day at a time. Hire a dumpster to park in the driveway and just work your way through it, that's the only way to do it. As a precaution, depending upon the state of the hoard you might want to use a respirator mask to avoid sucking in dust and years of mites.

Do you have siblings that can help? Any family at all that can help? If not I'm sure there are services that you can hire to come in and remove all the stuff but I don't know how much they'd charge. It would probably be worth the money.

And you're right again about that stuff being her life at the expense of her family. That's the mental illness. There's a huge emotional void in your mom. Some people who have that void fill it with drugs or alcohol or sex or gambling. This is how your mom filled the void. That's how she coped. And stripping her of her coping mechanism while she stands there with you will get you absolutely nowhere.

Get family to help or hire some company to come in and remove the hoard. Get through it as quickly as possible and be done with it.

It took weeks to clean out my mom's apartment after she moved to AL. I saved few things, rest went out with the trash. Told her I saved all of her things at my house, after a while she stopped asking.

BTW, It was sad to get rid of her things, but it had to be done.
I'm now cleaning my house of useless things.

Matches.... light a match! No, I know you can't do that. Yes hoarding syndrome is now recognized as a mental health illness. I can understand you being totally overwhelmed. My great aunt age 99 was a hoarder......It took ( 6 ) 30 yard dumpsters to clear out a very small house. If items are in good shape can I suggest you donate them to an agency such as salvation army or something? It will take quite a while to go through STUFF..... especially if she put money or bonds etc into books. My great aunt dated her husband for 11 years then married. 6 months later he fell hit his head and died. She never got over it. She'd walk everywhere and return with a grocery bag with dollars/ change pencil, book and lay the bag down. We found hundreds of grocery bags, some with bonds she had purchased while out on her excursions. She'd go to yard sales and would only pay a quarter for a jewlery item......like Tiffany and costume jewelry. We ended up having an auction and part of it was 24 totes of jewelry to be sold. All of her gifts she had received as wedding gifts were packed away in attic, like complete sets of depression glass etc. It took about 6 people to get through her house to be able to sell it. I know how you feel...... this is a completely overwhelming situation.
We have Costco by us which allows you to take boxes. We took boxes (that stack) and began to sort different items that way. We could not deal with the clothes as we did not know what was clean or not and threw them out.
The best way to start is in one room so you can make space to use that....You will have to get help from someone... this is too great a task for one person.
The saddest thing about all the scrimping/saving she did, she was wealthy enough to afford a beautiful assisted living......hugs to you, I know what you are going through.

As we have seen small children have a favorite toy or blanket they were never without, that is the same for adults to hoard things.... everything is special.

Call the county health and see if there is a therapist that can help you and your Mom, and suggest a professional crew that can come to house to help you sort through the items.

I recently had to do this myself. My mom kept moving stuff from place to place and was hospitalized for some medical conditions before "settling" in to her new place. In her case I told her, and I'm not saying it was easy, "Will you give me permission to clean out your apartment? Currently you will not be allowed to move back in there as it is and you may be discharged at the end of the week. Where are you going to go?" As she has nowhere to go and she understood there were no other options she begrudgingly gave me permission after a bit. It took me almost a week with help for half of the days and many trips to the trash, dumpsters, local thrift shops, shredding place, and assistance in getting unhygienic furniture taken to the dump all so that in the event she is allowed to move back in there will not only be a place for a bed, but she will also be allowed to live there by both the management and any social service agency who visits.
It was a one step at a time process. I involved her via phone when I could to give her some sense of ownership, but it all depends on the state of your mom. I definitely pushed back a lot and took ownership of the whole process and just did it. We will see if my mom returns home if she is mad or glad that it occurred since she will have had time to get used to the idea. However I have been practicing tough love with my mom for a very long time now (at least 10 years) and this was another time in which I needed to do that. I hope my story helps. Stay strong. Do what you know is right for her even if she isn't happy about it. There is a lot that she is no longer in control of and that is hard. Let her social worker and/or doctor know this is occurring though so they can support her if needed. They will also be a tremendous support to you!

I had to do this twice--it cost $13,000 over two weeks time with 4 people hired at minimum wage working 8 hour shifts and multiple dumpsters and then I had to do it a second time for my MIL and that only cost $2500.00 for a professional outfit to come in and take everything to the dump. Before I did that, I donated all the furniture a local church wanted and bagged all clothing for the BOYS & GIRLS Club annual pickup. Even if the clothing couldn't be used again, it could be shredded for rags by this outfit who then used the proceeds for their very worthy cause. I was exhausted. My son helped but no one else could be bothered. I came home and denuded my own house of clutter. I will not foist that very difficult and time-consuming experience onto my children or spouse. Good luck. You will feel guilty or sad. When you dismantle a home, you are dismantling a family--but that family has been long gone--you are missing only memories. Take photos of before and after so you can remember the good times and see all you have accomplished. And those missing items will be in your photo album, not cluttering YOUR house.

If you have never watched the show Hoarding, buried alive, everyone should. And I am sure if you google that it might even give you some resources of who to call (I am not 100% sure but worth a shot to google it). It is a sickness and its very sad to see how some have become overcome by the objects/junk in their lives. I wish you the best but you definitely will need some help in dealing and I think a professional physcologist (?) should be able to also help.

You can gain some insight into watching the t.v. program "Hoarders". A trained psychologist is usually there to guide the hoarder and family through a difficult job of ridding the house of unnecessary items. For your mother she will need a professional who really understands this disorder (OCD) in making the transition. It will not be an easy task of cleaning this house, so prepare yourself for many trips.

I recently did this for my parents. Although they were not hoarders it was a process nonetheless! I broke it down into 4 distinct piles. Trash , donate, consignment & keep. Our elders get attached to their possessions and it is best to do this when they are not present. At first I felt guilty, but it is just stuff, focus on the relationship and family!

I think this is why I take pictures of everything and anything. It fills the void in my life without me having to spend my money and load up my house. So what I keep getting more memory space in my i-phone.. Better my phone then my home. :) I hope you all get the answers you are seeking. Best wishes.

My father hides money and things in old clothing. Advise people to check everything. I taking a timer and getting rid of things in my own house. Set it for 1 hour and 20 minutes. 10 minutes warm up time and 10 minutes cool down time.
One hour solid work. Than stop. Do something else. One hour each day is 7 hours a week times 4 weeks is 28 hours a month. You can do this to clean out your own house. Know you are under the gun with a Mom or Dad. Hope this helps.

oh yes, I would advise checking "everything" before getting rid of it. I have found things in my parents place in odd places that my father doesn't remember how it got there. I already know when the time comes, my brother and I will personally have to go thru every single thing. but the timer thing is a good idea even for our own homes.

You are helping them, so don't feel bad. But feelings are feelings. Hoarders can be very manipulative. If you are keeping them safer, you are doing the right thing. I heard it put this way once: You may have a pet or a small child who wants to run in the street. If they do, a car will hit them and they will be injured. Would you let them do it anyway, just because they didn't want to stay in the yard, because you don't want to upset them? Obviously not. Don't take it personally.

I as executrix keft all my siblings take what they wanted. The I rented a large dumpster and started filling it. I was going to sell it at auction but the auction place said the stuff wasnt worth anything and we would end up owing them to haul it to the auction house. It hurt to know that your parents things weren't worth anything! You can't keep everything, take what has sentimental value and let the rest go. It is hard to do.

I was annoyed that I had to spend a considerable amount of my $ on a dumpster for a maiden aunt who really never cared much about me or my family; and I was annoyed that the only one available that weekend was 50 yards! I don't think I have ever worked so quickly in my life, determined to fill it to get my money's worth. When I found myself bogged down in sentimentality (family photographs, slippers I'd given her for Christmas as a child, etc.) I clenched my jaw and tossed them in. By the end of the weekend I had filled the stupid dumpster to absolute capacity. Although I am 50, I grew up a lot that weekend. It's just stuff. Dirty, unappreciated, uncared for. Now there is space, and light.

I kind of liked the book "Don't Toss My Memories in the Trash-A Step-by-Step Guide to Helping Seniors Downsize, Organize, and Move" when I was facing this with my mom. You really should find the things that are of value and the things that bring back joyful memories, as long as it is not too much to keep, but yes, keep only photos if it is. One really good option is to get an estate sale company to hold a sale; they will take a portion of proceeds and leave the house fairly well cleared out though not spotless ("broom clean" was the phrase used for my mom's company.) They actually had connections with local charitable groups who would pick out anything else that could be resold including all the books. I had to pitch some old lumber over the hill and get a large railroad table setup dismantled and hauled off for a few bucks. I will confess to spending the rest of that afternoon making sure nothing I wanted was in the trash bags, of which there were many, and found a few amazing things I'm glad I kept. I think the fact I could only take what I could stuff into my Versa hatchback was a blessing though.

Things sell for a pittance at estate sales typically; do not feel bad about picking out the things you will value more than they will bring in cash; my mom was still alive and in need of care when we did this, and I mistakenly hoped for and expected more to help pay for her care than we got. Go to a couple of sales locally to see what they are like and it may help you with both decisions and emotions.

My MILs place was another story - it was a horrible job going through everything and realizing just how dysfunctional they had become, with wads of cash totalling nearly $1000.00 stuffed in drawers and various places. Very little of their stuff was worth anything at all, and my BIL had to hire a company to clean up before he could sell the place.

Yes, I am making sure I give lots of stuff away. I'm one not to throw out anything, but I feel very OK about donating anything we can't use or choose to replace with something new, and that's probably the only thing that keeps me from being a true hoarder myself.

ive been thru it. f**k the hoarder. they will never see the overwhelming task you faced to make sense of the mess. in their mind they can sit on their ass and command while you dust and reorganize literally tens of thousands of trash trinkets. my parents were serial yard salers and devout nazarenes.
i once commented to my mom that i thought the bible to be a collection of opium visions and given enough opium i could write something as equally profound. mom chuckled wryly and agreed with my rewriting it and possibly making it more understandable. lol . im not undermining christians im just sayin dressing up and singing hymns is mental imo. help an addict, help a helpless elder, make a child feel good about themselves etc. do the work, f**k the formalities..
sorry guys, i spin out. sigh, im not sorry, just explaining my phsycotic drivel..

First we invited cousins to take furniture and mementos. Next we have a ten-yard dumpster and a "Picker" (like American Pickers) for the next two weekends. And we lie through our teeth telling her nothing gets tossed.

And there is always Freecycle. One guy went and "freecycled" his parent's entire home, building materials and all. And captain, I think you need to get yourself an audience with the current Pope. I think he would like you, and share a Peroni or two with you, even if he didn't quite agree with all your philosophies.

It may be junk to you, but to another crafter, it might be cool stuff. There are estate sale companies that can sell that "stuff" to people who want it. Not saying that there's much money in it, but 1) you would be honoring your mother's hobby and years of collecting and 2) you would be saving things from going to the trash before their useful life is over. Estate sale companies work at all levels - low end to high end. You just have to find the right one.

Mom collected all sorts of stuff, but we moved it all on. I recycled her piles and piles of papers and magazines. We never used a dumpster and she had a large, FULL house. People buy those old spices, cooking things, clothes (think of theaters, too, for period clothes), etc.

The estate sale company will help because it is in their best interest to have the goods clean and organized. But you need to go through everything, first, like others have said, to be sure not to miss hidden money or something valuable stashed away.

Good luck!

I do believe going through Mom's house and enduring the estate sale was the hardest thing I've ever done. I thought about it daily for a couple of years after. Now I still think about it, but a little less frequently.

" i burn things "

malarky, friendof,
my mother left a personal safe full of old coins. i dont need a hobby of pricing every piece, then getting ripped off after hundreds of hours of lamedumbshit -ed- ness. i gave that liability to the first volunteer. im more into trimming the loosefitting cutoffs off of a woman, a sliver at a time with sharp scissors , as opposed to haggling over a nickle thats now worth 5 cents.

Missme - Try to get rid of stuff now!!!! I have spent weeks getting the stuff out of my moms's house and I live here. She would say that she did not know that she might need it. It was not needed. I guess growing up during the depression they did not want to let go of anything. Please do it now!! Take care of YOU!!!!

well I guess my first question is if she is in a nursing home is she going to ever have the opportunity to actually go back to the horde. if not really does she even have to know the horde is gone. we just spent the last year getting rid of my mil horde and repairing all the damage it caused so the house was marketable. my mil lives with us for past year due to a stroke and mental issues - dementia, psychosis etc. we took her to the house with 4 storage tubs and told her she could take anything that was clean, not broken, and fit into the tubs. she didn't like it but it had to be done. I don't have room for that stuff. 5 dumpsters later, 5 mos of repairs, and an exterminator we finally have the house in shape. I did feel bad at first but in the end we knew this was the best for her and it is ok for her to be mad about it.

I never felt bad or guilty for getting rid of the hoard of trash in my mother's home when she went into a nursing home. The importance of her worthless "stuff" had always taken precedence over her relationship with me and anyone else, and there was a certain healing element for me to be able to rid it from my life.
To this day, at 96 and all-consumed with dementia, she continues to hoard stuff in her room at the nursing home....used plastic spoons and cups, plastic bags, condiments & sugar packets from the dining room, anything else she can pick up without anyone catching her. Such a sad state, to not be able to connect with anyone/anything other than a plastic spoon.

My husband's sister is a hoarder. Notice I didn't call her my SIL. Yes, hoarding is just a symptom of mental illness. She is a total nut case that can't get along with anyone. She has no friends, so my idea is that her junk takes the place of people in her life. She moved in with my 92yr. old MIL about a year and a half ago supposedly to take care of her. She actually mentally abused her and totally filled the house with her nasty filthy junk. MIL died about a month ago, but before she died, my husband had to put her in a NH because of nutty sister. Sister is staying in the house and I'm sure she hasn't parted with any of the junk. There were a lot of silk flowers and potted plants sent to the funeral by friends of mine and my husbands. As soon as everybody left the cemetery, she went to work and carried all the flowers back to her house. Just crazy!! At least the funeral director gave us the cards so we could write thank you notes. Not one flower was from anyone other than our friends. It is just like she has to have everything that had to do with her mother. She even had the funeral director take off MIL's glasses and give them to her before the casket was closed. Anyway, to answer your question, I wouldn't feel bad about throwing away a hoarders collection. It would make me mad that I had to clean up the mess.

Jessiemae, your story about your husband's sister reminded me of the time when my father's mother passed, and everyone gathered at my grandparent's house after the funeral. Well, my hoarder mother immediately began going through my grandmother's closet, and came out to the living room wearing a pair of my grandmother's shoes and showing off her find to everyone. Even at 22, I was appalled and SO embarrassed! These people have no sense of social appropriateness, because their focus is on stuff instead of people/relationships.

I'm sorry to hear you must endure this whole thing. I so believe many, like you, are put through an additional grieving process when dealing with stuff. You just need to decide to act in your best interest as well as your moms. Grab the stuff and get rid of it. I'm thankful that others like you have shared your experience, as it really brings home the fact that we have to have a strategy to employ for our survival and sanity. That said, here's the strategy my family used:
For those who still have some other options here is what my family did: I would clear out a few items each vacation visit. My brother lives 4 hours away and his sisters are several states away. I did a silent, visual inspection each time I visited. They were not even using/accessing items on the highest shelves or the attic. So I started by boxing those up and donating. I knew they would put nothing more up there as they had already given up climbing ladders. Then I looked in drawers and closets. Clothes that had obviously not been touched were donated. Items of question were put into the trash cart only the night before trash pick-up. I started cleaning out the "junk" drawers in the utility room. I guess I was using a process of elimination, starting at the least threatening position and working forward. Friends felt they shouldn't take the items of value - china, sports equipment, firearms and tools. We told them it was of tremendous help because if they didn't take it, it would just go to the rummage sale. I convinced a couple to take a few items they didn't want, deliver them to the thrift. In exchange, they kept the donation receipt so they could use it for taxes. Thrift stores often give the donor a card or receipt where you can write in what you donated, and give it a dollar value. Mom was moved to her apartment very soon after Dad's death. I'm still going through some small stuff - it gets mailed to me from CA and NV to GA. My brother put some boxes in his garage in NV. My brother also took a few boxes to her new apartment and this gives her some chance to go through stuff. My brother sifts through the stuff that's in his garage. Mom has been going through stuff in several boxes at her apartment. This sort of creates a division of labor without Mom's thinking she's only part of a campaign to get rid of stuff. Some small items and the china have been shipped to me and my sister. My brother takes her to the post office or UPS once in a while. This helps keep her involved in the decision making process. So, even several states and two years later, we're all helping sift through things and keep what we really want and donate the rest. I've received some pictures and military memorabilia of Dad's - the lightweight items easy to ship.
Another idea about clearing the garage and attic after our parents were obviously not using the stuff - those items were discreetly donated. I returned the emptied boxes to the garage and attic and arranged them in the order in which they were previously stacked. Thus, it appeared everything was in it's rightful place. Items in boxes were donated and I brought the boxes back, arranged them on the upper shelves the way they had always been. This return-the-boxes technique helps set the stage for when we really have to haul. A number of empty boxes are immediately available and this little trick helps because we can clean up with out it being obvious and upsetting to our parents.

Houseplant102, I love your empty box strategy - it is brilliant!

If one does feel bad about getting rid of the stuff, I would encourage them to focus on the good that will be done by either selling in a rummage sale or donating to less fortunate people who can, and will, actually use the stuff. Any money made from from the sale could be used for the ongoing care of the elder. So, all this is a process that benefits others.
However, I do understand that it can mark a major transition into the final years of the elders' lives, and a huge wake-up call about a finite future to the ones who are doing the purging. For me, it was the great life lesson about the importance of relationships and experiences....not stuff!