Hi,
My name is Kay. This is my first post here. I'm a live in caregiver for my elderly father, he's 87, I'm 46. He's frail, has arthritis and balance issue, so he walks with a cane, occasionally a walker on bad days, and no longer drives, but is otherwise in good health for his age, he just gets a little frustrated and impatient sometimes. He is able to dress and bathe and shave himself without help, prepares his own breakfast and lunch, I do housework, errands, shopping, take him to any appointments, and cook dinner, and I'm here for anything he needs. He is not on any prescription medications so there's no medical regime. We have a very nosy neighbor who is a retired home health aide. She has convinced herself my father needs home health care and she will not leave us alone about it. She has insulted me repeatedly about a different matter, and is just a nosy, bossy person who thinks she knows everything about everything and if we don't keep the door locked will just barge in uninvited. My father wants me to forbid her to come over anymore, to tell her we don't want to be friends with her any longer, she is upsetting both of us, and I want this too. I do not want or need someone like this in my life. I work at home, at night after my father is asleep, and I have a work project that is very important to me, and has a deadline attached, and I am trying to keep things as simple and peaceful as possible. But I'm afraid if I forbid her to visit she might falsely report me to some authority just to turn my life upside down and make it more stressful and since she is a retired home health aide her word might carry more weight than mine or my father's. I just don't know what to do! I am very stressed and worried.
In my opinion, if you have even politely asked her not to barge in and she did not take the hint, then there may be some mental problem on her part. Now, its time for bluntness. "We have asked you numerous times to not barge into our home. You continue to do what you want and say what you want. Dad finds it very upsetting and I find it rude. Because of this, you are no longer welcome in our home or on our property. If you don't abide by our request, we will get a lawyer involved and the police."
As other members have said, you have no worries from APS. They rather have family involved in a person's care then take it on themselves.
I am a tolerant person. But this woman I would have to say no more. My Mom had a neighbor of 55 yrs that said whatever she thought. To the point of putting my Mom down because she wasn't interested in crafts and sewing like the neighbor was. Neighbor had one child to my Moms 4. When I was selling the house, oh it won't sell its falling apart. It was on 7 acres, it finally sold and the old house was used as a basis for a new one. I hear she is still complaining so I choose not to call her. I can see how this all started but you now need to put ur foot down and turn the tables on her. Me, I would put a fence around my house and as soon as she tried to open the front gate, I would stop her there. Sorry, we don't feel like company today. Keep doing it until she gets the hint, which may mean never but you have the fence and the option of getting a lawyer or police involved.
Then - let her call. But don't let her come over anymore. End of story with that.
Barging into your home is unlawful. Make sure the local police are aware of her invasive behavior. I know it's hard to confront someone, but she might need to be put in her place.
Put up a camera, or go to the police station and tell them what’s going on. Maybe they’ll pay her a visit and tell her to myob.
Get a dog 🐕 who will scare her with barking.
If she comes over again, a swift "Get off my property, go home and mind your own business" would be a clear message that's long overdue. Ideally, you head her off at the pass before she makes it too far onto your property or up to the porch by walking toward her while clearly and loudly saying "We want you to get off our property, go home, and mind your own business. Do not trespass again."
You and your poor dad are living next door to a mental case. I would consider installing outdoor cameras. Who knows what this lunatic is capable of!
However, calling them on a crazy neighbor might be a plan...
Playing nice isn't working with this PIA nosey neighbor, time to play hardball and put a stop to her harrassing, bullying, intimidating, manipulative behaviors.
One thing that I have learned dealing with my parents. APS isn't concerned about anyone that can feed themselves, exit the home when alone and is obviously being cared for. They don't decide that someone needs more care based on a neighbors opinion, regardless of their prior job history.
I would welcome a visit to put this to bed.
I have called APS about some pretty egregious situations and nothing was done because the individuals involved were able to speak with them and tell them they could eat and take care of things. Didn't matter there was paths through the junk, people can live anyway they want, didn't matter they weren't bathing in ?? No law against it. As long as the utilities were on and functioning, the individuals were eating and some what coherent, they were just fine in the eyes of the law. That's the deciding factor, not opinions, what the law says.
Oh, I would think about camera's to prove what is happening with this neighbor who is violating the law.
Your neighbor's interference must be very distressing. Maybe she would calm down if you thanked her for her concern and assured her you and your father's PCP were regularly assessing his living situation.
I lived with my father the last several years of his life in much the same circumstances you describe. My father was able to take care of his personal needs and could still drive, but I shopped, took him to appts, etc. We never had home home health help.
Have a talk with this neighbor and tell her very plainly that you and your father will not tolerate her intrusiveness and harassment and that you'll call the police if she doesn't stop. Make sure to add that you've already spoken to the police (do it) and it's on record with them that you're speaking with her about it.
Let her know that you and your father don't want any communication with her and that you will get a restraining order against her if she makes one necessary.
If she's a retired home/health aide she's very likely looking for a little cash-pay work on the side and that is why she won't leave you and your father alone.
You do what I'm telling you here and it will keep her away.
Then if getting a restraining order becomes necessary, then that's what has to be done.
Why does she think Dad needs home health care? Sounds like she's lonely and focused on home health. Have you spoken to her about why? Maybe she would cease with an explanation from you and a point blank "Dad doesn't need home health and we don't want to hear any more on the subject. Dad is fairly independent and I assist him with any other needs."
Best wishes.
The neighbor is a retired home/health aide and is likely looking for a cash-pay gig. Since she lives right there and knows the neighbors she wants it to be them.
Or maybe the father has a nice house, a good income, and he doesn't really need help. She wouldn't be the first neighbor who cares so much and just wants to be helpful.
Personally, if she's watching by the windows for when your dad goes to sit on his porch and then running to the house - well, I would consider that borderline stalking.
If I were you, and I had told her that she isn't welcome in the home and she can't/won't listen, then my next step is calling 911.
When the police come, tell them - as calmly as you can - what's been going on, and for how long. And yes, this is where a log/diary would come in handy, Specifics will help your case. Rather than statements like "she always comes over uninvited" statements such as "3 days this week, (list the days and times) she entered the home while my dad was sitting outside, without his permission. When we told her to leave, she became argumentative". Give specific details.
Tell the responding officers your concerns that she is going to call APS as retaliation. Ask them to make a complaint report about the incident; ask if there's any way they can indicate, either in the report or in their memo books, that your dad is well taken care of with no indication of elder abuse; in that way, if she does call APS YOU have proof that it's for retaliation purposes and not out of any genuine concern for your dad's well being. I imagine your intent is not to have this woman arrested, but rather to have the behavior stopped. If you feel "funny" calling 911 (because you don't want to bother the police/you think this isn't an emergency) then you can call the non-emergency number, but I would strongly urge you to call 911.
Anytime someone other than a person in your "inner circle" - someone who has a standing invitation to enter your home whenever they want - someone barging into your home, even someone you know, should raise your suspicion level. Not every 911 call amounts to the police running into the situation with guns drawn. "Disputes" between neighbors is a fairly common 911 call police respond to. A lot of how the police enter the situation is going to depend on what you tell the 911 dispatcher - if you say you have a person who "forced their way" into your home is going to be a different response than "I have a neighbor I'm having a problem with - she's here uninvited again and I want it to stop; but we're not in any immediate danger".
I would agree with the poster who thinks this lady is looking for a convenient job - "your dad needs at home caregiving, and look! I just happen to be a retired caregiver living across the street, isn't that convenient?" But her reasons aren't important to the situation - what is important is that you and dad don't want her in your home, and you have that right.
Good luck!
If she is vindictive and tries to make trouble then you and your father can explain to whoever. The fact that you have notes that relate to before she reported any issues means you have credibility.
To me it sounds like you neighbour has mental health problems and not enough to do.
Good luck.