I am 48 years old, my mom turned 81 last month. She lives in Florida. My Dad died unexpectedly 10 years ago. And my Mom has been mentally ill (undiagnosed) my entire life! My Dad may he rest in peace had a 50’s mentality when it came to mental health. My Mom has never been nurturing because her father was also mentally ill as was his Dad…I deal w/my own mental health issues and take meds and go to therapy. I live out of state. I have no children - but my husband and I have two fur babies. I am the youngest and have two older brothers. One who stopped talking completely to my Mom a little bit after my Dad died but they were never close cause she was awful to him growing up. My other brother lives in NJ and calls her once a week. And has only been here to visit once since my Father died because I said let’s surprise mom for her 75th and she won’t know you are coming. That was Jan of 2020. My Mom has pushed so many people away due to her negativity - but I swear she has multiple personalities. I don’t think there is enough characters here to truly explain this because it has been a nightmare. My Mom has become an alcoholic. And the only family here was her brother who stopped talking to her completely in 2019. Just stopped completely. She has had issues with her eyes for years and had two ulcerated corneas in her left eye. And dislocated her lens in her right eye. The ulcerated cornea was self inflicted but doesn’t realize it. I think she blacks out when she drinks. She has always talked to herself but I have videos of her calling out to her deceased mother. She drinks and smokes on her lanai and cries and says over and over how much she hates her life and that she doesn’t want to live anymore. We had her taken to the hospital in December when she called me saying she woke up with no vision! She has also been hiding something on her leg. And it was the December trip that my husband blew the whistle and called 911. They baker acted her. The wound on her leg is an open sore that is on her upper thigh that goes to her knee! It is literally the size of a piece of paper! She was wrapping that wound with a paper towel! Then found out she had one on her right arm and shoulder. They said she would be transferred over to psych after to be evaluated. They lifted the bakers act in 24 hours because of the basic questions they asked and then said she would be moving to the impatient rehabilitation on hospital property. I packed her bag, labeled everything, and felt relieved that she would be in rehabilitation. But after returning home right before Christmas the hospital said that her insurance declined rehab due to the fact she could walk a short distance and discharged a clinically blind woman on Christmas Day knowing she had no family and even had the alcohol and behavioral health on her chart. She refused any type of meds in the hospital for mental health. They were trying to give her seroquil. We came back a week later (new years day) and we got her an aide m-f that was here 9-4. Found out her wound on her leg - Basel cell cancer, it’s been eating away at her leg for years and hid it. She is so sick, this isn’t even all of it. She goes through 2 1.75 bottles of vodka every 3 - 3 1/2 weeks. I’m on my third visit since Dec. she drank half a bottle yesterday! We express our concerns to the traveling NP that has had tests done. I am sick because of the stress. And my husband is stressed because it is taking a toll on me and him and he is working remotely here and trying to figure things out, but we go home Saturday. She needs surgery on her leg and other wounds, but can’t be home! She cannot be discharged to her condo! It’s bad! And I feel like I’m at a loss here because I just want her to be at peace. It’s horrible to hear her cry out on her lanai. But she’s been sick my whole life I just never knew what mental illness was. I am a complete mess. And I am an empath on top of all of this. But my health is taking a beating. I’m exhausted…
You need to move on with your own life now, my friend. Your mother is too far gone now to be helped, and you cannot swoop in and save the day. Nor should you internalize her pain now, as you've been taught to do your whole life, because doing so will only keep YOU sick and not make HER well. Call APS on your way out and report a mentally ill elder with severe skin cancer living alone. By the grace of God, maybe they'll come pick her up and place her somewhere. If that's a good idea, I'm not even sure myself.
I'm very sorry for your pain and suffering and I pray you can allow mother to make her own choices as you make yours. All the best.
The only person whose actions you can control is yourself. Why are you running yourself ragged visiting when she's not going to agree to anything sensible? And are you buying her alcohol? You don't have to. She'll probably get it another way but if she can't and experiences severe withdrawal symptoms you can call 911. But you're going to be back in the same situation when she gets home. Please consider yourself and your husband first, and work on accepting the things you can't change.
As a kid, you probably had to be the good daughter. You were the parent and she was the kid. You’ve outgrown this role. Stop absorbing her pain.
Your mother has chosen her life. She has chosen not to take meds or get any help. She has chosen to neglect her vision care. She has chosen to drink herself to death. She has chosen to ignore her problems. She has chosen to run off everyone in her life. Instead she wants to moan and feel pain and not fix it. She is a mess and you can’t fix it. She doesn’t want to. She doesn’t want peace. She thrives on chaos. It’s how she is.
I know you want to help, but there just isn’t any way to help her.
Glad you are in therapy and I hope you are discussing this situation with your therapist for his/her support and advice.
Mentally sweep the family history off your plate if possible and concentrate on present time practical solutions. It's time for you to go home and stop going to florida because you're probably not going to fix this ongoing situation for your mother. Take care of you and your husband and your fur babies now. Save yourselves from this fruitless stress that can't be fixed.
Contact your siblings and all of your mother's medical providers and let them know that you're unable to help your mom further. (Thankfully you're not her Power of Attorney but if you are you probably should resign.)
Contact the relevant governmental agencies in Florida and her County and let them know that she has cancer and she's incapable of caring for herself and that she needs immediate help - and that you're unable to provide that help. Hoping others on this forum will provide more specifics about exactly which agencies to contact.
If she ends up in a hospital let the social worker and hospital administration know that she's an "unsafe discharge" and that you're unable to care for her. You cannot agree to be her guardian or her caregiver.
So sorry you are going through this.
I have a lot of sympathy for you and agree with others. She is drowning in slow motion. You cannot be her life preserver vest.
Go back to your own home. Know that one (or more) crises are coming. As soon as she is hospitalized, tell them unsafe discharge. Tell them there is no way you can take care of her. It will be on them to find a place to move her.
None of it is your fault. You did not make her old, mentally ill, alcoholic, self-abusive, blind, self-neglectful, resistant to medication, or any of the rest. And you can’t cure any of it.
You have to extricate yourself and your husband from this and maintain strong boundaries on what you can and cannot do for her.
Read Never Simple by Liz Scheier.
As others have suggested, stop orbiting around her. Instead, call APS and continue to call APS. Eventually they will move to the courts for an assigned guardian who will then make sure she gets the care she needs. You can still have a relationship with her if you wish, but you won't have to worry about or manage or decide anything about her finances or medical care.
Please consider that you are in a codependent relationship with her and your boundaries are not formed or very blurry. You are seeing a therapist but this professional doesn't seem to be moving you in a healthy direction when it comes to your very sick Mother. I would rethink this therapist.
When it comes to your Mother, you are ramming yourself into a brick wall over and over, and it isn't working -- no wonder you are exhausted. You cannot make a resistant adult do something against their will (but APS can). You are not responsible for her happiness. You didn't cause her problem and you cannot fix it. She is actively alcoholic on top of everything else. The only person you can change is yourself and you must give your own self the top priority going forward and allow others to help your Mom -- without your participation.
Step completely away and pour all your time, energy and resources into yourself. May you receive rest and refreshment, and peace in your heart as you delegate your Mom's care to a different solution.
Of course, she should not be discharged back to her home!
Tell the hospital that she is unsafe at home and has no one to help her. Do not pick her up from the hospital! You can call APS, Adult Protective Services to check on her. They can get court appointed guardianship and provide whatever your mother needs.
On a side note - please tell the doctor and nurses at the hospital about mom's alcohol use. It could be dangerous for her to suddenly stop, and the medical staff should know how to manage this.
It does you no good, and your mother no good for you to worry yourself sick.
Being an empath is nice. But worrying accomplishes nothing, it only hurts you. Take a realistic look at the circumstances, recognize that there is very little you can do to make it better. Do what you can do, and let go of what you can't. Get professional help involved, whether you hire aides, or place mom in a care home, or call APS and let them handle it.
She is not going to be at peace. The best you can hope for is safety. You could petition the court to have the local government appoint a guardian that will get her placed. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It took two psych evals before a doctor determined my mom needed placement. She has been in memory care for two years and for the first time in her life she is getting treatment for her mental illness. She is so much more stable now. She doesn't appreciate that fact, but it's such a blessing for all of us.
Understand it is unlikely that a 75 year old will stop drinking. If Mom gets sent to hospitals tell them she is an alcoholic who is using. They will give her meds to help her withdraw. Otherwise alcoholics can die from withdraw that is not medically supervised.
Consider checking out some AlAnon meetings for you. They are free.
I had to back off from alcoholic Dad. He was 85 and crashing to the ground drunk in the parking lot and passing out at noon. It was embarrassing.
Someone called 911 and took him to the ER. He called a caregiver to get him released. After that situation I backed way, way off from my involvement.
If Mom has Medicare Advantage you will need to fight the insurance company for rehab. My neighbor had problems with this. Her PCP and surgeon had to get involved so that she could go to rehab.
Please take care of yourself.
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