My mother is 87 and lives with us. She moved in a few months ago. She has end stage COPD. She is declining quickly, her memory is going. She talks ALL the time though. She is always right and you better not contradict her! I have to listen to her all day everyday when I’m home (still working full time) also I’m an only child so my only help is my husband and sometimes my daughter.
This weekend I finally had enough of her bad mouthing my kids and I told her. I wasn’t yelling or cussing. I just told her that she was misinformed and that we needed to agree to disagree. I haven’t really talked to her much only to see if she needed something regarding care.. food water meds etc. no small talk. She said this morning that if she is bothering us she would move back to her place ( we haven’t sold it yet) and get someone to take care of her. She doesn’t mean this she is only wanting me to say no you have to stay here with us... I didn’t reply to her. I have taken most things from her but I cannot budge where my kids are concerned (her grandchildren) This has hurt me so deeply I don’t know how I can keep going 💗
I keep wandering why God has put me in this position? What am I supposed to learn from this season?
Thank you 🙏🏻 😞
Now you need to set boundaries if she is going to stay.
This is a perfect time to have a heart to heart about behavior.
Being sick and old is not a free ticket to be mean and ugly. Tell her that she needs to stop with all the negativity and back biting of anyone not in the room. Give her the choice of staying or leaving, be nice or be gone, your choice mom.
By the way, I think that statement is a manipulation tactic.
Did your mother have a decently good relationship with her grandchildren in earlier years, before she got ill?
The sort of "stream of consciousness" that you get when people are old, ill and in declining spirits does not make for cheerful daytime listening, that's for sure. Do you think your mother, in her normal state of mind, would really mean what she's coming out with?
It may be, just thinking about neutrally, that there *would* be better options that won't utterly destroy your feelings towards your mother and wreck your peace of mind as time moves on to the end of her life. It isn't about a threat, or an ultimatum, or a contract of good behaviour, or anything like that; but what about having a good think about her needs, your needs, and the best way to accommodate everything that's important?
With caregivers and if she is Hospice eligible it might be doable.
Is a move to Assisted Living or if she also has memory problems a move to Memory Care a possibility?
Both of these options might give you both the break you need.
When I draw boundaries with my parents they always respond the same. We are going to move out, we are being too much of a bother, how dare you speak to us like that, we will get our own place, we are perfectly capable of living independently (they are not). I find it so aggravating, but mostly just ignore it. Mostly.
It's not easy and I can offer you any coping suggestions other than to ignore it. Walk away.
google Area Agency on Aging with your city and state. Call and ask for an assessment for your mom to give you an idea of what level care would best meet her needs.
This might help you and mom to see what her options are going forward. Again, no need to get upset. Just checking options. Her home would certainly be one, ALF etc could all be discussed.
Its a not so subtle message that you are serious about alternate housing for her and may give you some great ideas as to the resources available in your area.