...lives next door to us (in a 3-bedroom house that we own) and is now 100 years old. We’ve both been caring for her for well over 25 years. Despite her advanced age, she’s in excellent physical health but has developed some dementia in recent years. As her needs increase, my wife has to spend more time with her; we do her shopping, take her for doctor visits, give her daily meds and my wife cooks most of her meals. I believe her mother will live many more years and my wife absolutely refuses to even consider putting her in an assisted living facility. As a result of caring for her mother, we can’t travel anywhere together (I take occasional trips by myself but we haven’t had a vacation together in over 10 years). My mother-in-law is a sweet lady and I sincerely hope she lives to be 110, but as I tell my wife, not in our 3-bedroom house with us caring for her every day. Our “golden years” are passing us by and I’m not proud to say that I’m becoming increasingly resentful toward both my wife and her mother. As many relatives and friends have told us, her mother belongs in an assisted living living facility and we should get on with our lives. In my wife’s defense, she has no siblings to share the responsibility with, but we have the resources to put her mother in assisted living, where she would be well cared for and have some social life. I’ve seriously considered leaving my wife over this- I think I’d be justified in doing this - but I just don’t have the heart to go through with it.
Her mother no longer has all her faculties and would never do this to us knowingly, but she’s slowly destroying our marriage. My brother died at age 62 a few years ago and I’m starting to think my mother-in-law will outlive me. After a very successful career, I’ve looked forward to enjoying my retirement with the woman I love but it looks like that’s not in my foreseeable future. Am I being selfish to want to enjoy my retirement years with my wife while we still have our health? I’m not a very religious person, but isn’t there something in the Bible about a married couple leaving their parents and “cleaving” to one another? In my view, my wife has broken one of our wedding vows (to “forsake all others”) by putting her mother’s needs above mine, for a long time. I’ve always been good to her mother, but how much more can reasonably be expected of me? As I’ve told my wife, I married her- not her mother. I’ve become depressed over this and I’m just about ready to pack my stuff and head south- with or without my wife. By the way, we’re 60 years old and I’ve been wanting to move from NJ to Florida for years- and I’ve even offered to bring my mother-in-law with us and find her an assisted living facility in whatever area we relocate to. Would I be a monster to force my wife to make a choice- her mother or me?
My father passed away in 1998 and my husband and I always knew that my mother would come and live with us. Unfortunately, we never thought beyond the “coming to live with us” part. We didn’t think about my mom getting older and how we would have to take care of her. She is now 98 years old and still living with us. I have no siblings who can come and help. I’m an only child. I work full-time and have a great caregiver who comes to the house while I’m at work, but once I get home, and on weekends, it’s all me and my husband. We’ve been married 33 years. I see and feel his frustration because we can’t just get up and go out to dinner or to go see a movie. A couple of months ago my husband said something that broke my heart. He said “we haven’t had any privacy in 20 years and haven’t been able to go anywhere in 10.” I’m pretty sure he’s thought about leaving too. If we want to go to out, it takes weeks of planning and it's usually my younger son who can come stay with her for a few hours. Friends actually stopped asking us to go out. We are both 60 and feel the same way you do. Our golden years are passing us by and by the time we can actually enjoy them, we may be too old and not able to move.
I have lots days when I think “today is the day I’m going to look into an assisted living facility” and then it breaks my heart to think of placing my mom in one. She has severe osteoarthritis all over her body, so she is mostly confined to a wheelchair. The good news is that her mind is still sharp. I love the mom I remember. The one who was funny and witty and was the best cook in the world. Now I only feel resentment, frustration, exhaustion and stress.
I am amazed your wife has made it so far as a 'solo act' (with your tremendous help, of course). It's a big sacrifice and those of us who do this have our reasons that, in many cases, are unique to us. Since this is your wife's Mom, at this point your wife must feel like the weight of the world is on her shoulders. For 25 years she has built a house of cards (with your help), step by step, trying to do the right thing to keep her Mom alive and safe, and so far, after 25 years, your MIL is still alive. You both deserve a great deal of credit for that even if MIL has good genes. Your MIL had a 10% chance of making it to 95 and a 20% chance of making it to 100 after reaching 95. Even making it to 100, your MIL has a 30% chance of being gone by 101. Your wife may be at the point where she feels she can't risk removing one of those cards for fear that the whole house of cards will collapse and her mom will be gone, and she will be to blame (in her mind). I understand your wife to a great extent because sometimes caregivers are high achievers who always have to give it their all, regardless of the cost to themselves. Sometimes they feel alone even if they have the support of a spouse. You don't want to complain about where you are in life because you are afraid your husband may insist on 'solving' your problem in a way you could not live with... there is tunnel vision but sometimes you are so far down the rabbit hole, you can't help yourself. You know something has to give, but what?
Obviously you have to start somewhere and I think your wife would be hugely relieved if you simply start having a regular home health aide come out to the house 1-2 times a week so you both get respite and can get in some fun time together. Eventually do a weekend away, and then a week away. Once your wife sees that there is life beyond her tunnel and that her Mom is safe and in good hands, you will find a way to move forward together. All of that will happen on its own, and you will get those golden years together.
Get an agency you feel comfortable with. Make sure they go above and beyond with vetting. Make sure they call you after someone new has come to see how your mother and you liked the person. Don't settle.
I live in Florida. It would be very easy for you all to transition down here together into a home that has an in-law suite. Get a Health Aide to live in whenever needed since fortunately you have the means to do that. And know that in the process you are giving your wife and your MIL the gift of 'family' staying together. MIL will be gone soon enough. It does not take much at this point for the scale to tip in a permanently downward direction. If needed down the road, Florida is full of memory care facilities and nursing homes; you can take that step when needed. Just take things day by day and move forward.
I am positive your wife is very aware of your frustration but just does not know how to make the first move. Help her find herself again. Get in the home health aides, downsize, and plan your move to Florida. It will all work out. Stay positive!!!
You have the resources. That's a privilege that gives you choices that so many people don't have. Please use them to put your MIL somewhere she'll have peers with which to socialize instead of being cooped up in a house by herself all day.
How about if you get the ball rolling by going to tour a couple ALs nearby that have good reputations. Sometimes, inertia is the main thing that keeps people from improving their lives.
Get the ball rolling and get your life back. You deserve it.
I don't see in your self-centered tirade any indication of what you do to help your wife. You may be retired, but she isn't. She has a job to do, and it isn't finished.
You don't seem to appreciate that life doesn't always go as planned, and smart people make the best of what they do have and don't whine about what they don't. You aren't your brother, so stop acting like you're going to die in two years. If you smoke, drink, are overweight, and don't care for your health, then that's on you if you die young. You owe your wife some "golden years" not dedicated to caring for you.
You say you love her, then say you're considering leaving her. You claim she's broken one of her vows (she hasn't), but you're very willing to break yours (for better or for worse). You aren't superior to her in any way.
You probably think you're a good guy, but here's what you're telling your wife -- "you can't count on me."
Do you have any idea how that feels? I do, and so does pretty much any child caregiving for a sick and elderly parent.
Sorry, but you get no sympathy from me. Go on trips alone, get yourself some therapy, join a gym, but get off her back. She's doing the best she can, and all she gets in return is a whiny husband who wants things to go the way HE wanted.
I think you are 100% justified in asking your wife to make the choice.
I haven't been at this nearly as long as you, but I'm 56, and like you I think about my own time left on this earth and how it too is limited. We're not spring chickens anymore. The thought of giving up what's left of our "best" years is very depressing. Don't do it. You have been a VERY patient and supportive spouse imo and the time to put your foot down is now.
Maybe your mother in law doesn’t realize how much she would like living in an ALF. You could choose a good one (important) and ask them if she could stay there for a week or so to try it out. OR- maybe your mother-in-law could only stay there when you go on trips. You could give it a try to see how well everyone likes it. I would not divorce my wife and I would not force her to put her mother in an ALF against her wishes. She will never be able to live with the guilt. It needs to be a joint decision.
Have another heart-to-heart with your wife. Tell her some sort of change is necessary....And then find a middle ground.
I suggest you hire 24-hour help then she can cut some hours off her caregiving and spend time with you, yet she can still oversee what's happening. Then you can go on vacation knowing she will be cared for once she's comfortable with the new help.
Or better yet, add a live-in caregiver. Then your wife can do frequent visits, yet be totally off the hook in caregiving.
You could also find someone for housekeeping and to make meals.
If you're talking that resources aren't an issue. Get creative.
Let us know how it goes! All the best!
If you give your wife an ultimatum, here are some things to think about.
1. She may choose her mother and "the woman you love" will come to own half or more of all that wealth you two have accumulated.
2. If you force her to choose between her mother and you and she chooses you, this will forever be a wedge in your marriage.
3. If your financial situation is cut in half, you may no longer be able to afford Florida.
4. The likelyhood of your MIL living even 1 more year is low, much less 10 more years.
My suggestion is to wait it out. In the meantime you need to find something to do. Volunteer, find another job, take up a hobby. Time passes faster than you will think.
What if if your wife suddenly took ill and couldn’t travel? Would you leave her for that?
Retirement in and of itself is a major change. Find a professional to talk to to be able to express your anger and frustration.
My my husband retired and we are in our mid sixties. His 98 year old aunt lives with us. We could leave for a night, but then there is the old cat that we do not want to board and auntie can’t give meds to her so we are getting adjusted to new living arrangements and there have been bumps in the road but things are smoothing out as we both accept that this is how it is.
But unfortunately, society places unrealistic expectations on daughters to care for their parents. Be thankful you don't have this weighing on you the way it is on your wife. Regardless of gender, the idea that kids care for their parents without the parents doing any work or making realistic choices to prepare for end-of-life needs is so selfish. Yes, family should be there for each other, but expecting self-sacrifice from anyone (especially your kids) is sleazy, cowardly and lazy. But I digress.
Your MIL has dementia. She is not in a position to make good decisions for herself so while it's easy to resent her, try not to.
Your wife seems to have taken this burden on without realizing how it could be destructive it is to you, her marriage, and even just herself. It's an easy thing to do when you are exhausted and heavily stressed. The brain does not work well in those situations.
I have seen other women take on these Herculium tasks of sacrificing themselves for their family (parents and even spouses) and literally kill themselves. I have seen how much it has hurt people closest to them—especially those who genuinely depend on them. It's stupid and needless.
Keep trying to talk with her. Try to catch her when she's actually had some sleep or rest or is in a good mood (I know—next to impossible) and tell her how this is making you feel. Use lots of I words (versus you).
Would she be open to marriage counseling (and maybe individual for herself)? I'd know ultimatums are usually unadvisable in relationships (especially when it comes to therapy), but your situation sounds like a prison, and you are at the point of losing it.
Sit down and write down the advantages/disadvantages of staying versus leaving. Also write down how much you are willing to put up with before leaving. It helps. It's good for you, but also you will be able to speak to her about your feelings easier and set some boundaries for your relationship (or have the motivation to leave if it comes down to it).
I know this sounds extreme, but the truth is if you are miserable she's probably miserable, too. If it is killing you inside and out, it does nobody good to stand by and suffer with her. No one deserves to live like that when they don't need to. Life is too short—especially in your golden years.
Ask your wife if she wants to chance this happening to her ???? Does she really want to wait all the years until her mother dies, to have a life... the golden years .... with you? And maybe you die of a broken heart before then.
Try this.....time it for when she comes home after her last call at night with her mother....
One evening set a candle lit dinner .... or dessert and wine... with candles and rose petals everywhere, some soft romantic music in the background.... and woo her.... plead your case... talk to her... tell her your fears, desires.... talk.... and then listen....
I really hope you all work it out... my heart goes out to you both! You need to start those golden years now.
I am a wife who was sole caregiver for both parents until they passed. My husband struggled with all of the same emotions that you are. I felt overwhelmed all the time with caregiving my folks. In the ten year span, my dad passed, & two & half years later, my mom passed. I interviewed, hired, but struggled constantly with employing caregivers, as they mostly wanted to come in, sit down, play on their phone, watch tv & do minimal work. I usually had to repeatedly tell them to do basic things. My parents needed fairly high level care.
Trust me when I say that the time spent caregiving is par for the course & in NO WAY equates to your wife’s preference of being with her mom versus you. From my experience, she’d much rather be with you! It was a “pull” that I explained to my husband during our very difficult conversations about these same things you’ve brought up. From a daughter/caregiver viewpoint....It’s very hard to relinquish your mom to someone who doesn’t seem to care or isn’t trustworthy. I rotated caregivers like glasses of water, & ended up finding a saint after a long search. With this caregiver, I was able to relax & vacation with my family. Everyone always seemed to force their own expectations upon me: “your folks need to live at Assisted Living”, blah blah blah. Easier said than done. I worked for an Assisted Living & it’s not the “great life” everyone thinks it is. My mom was private & modest & she didn’t want 5 different strangers helping her change her clothes and bathe every week. It’s a business meant to be profitable & unless mom has an independent self starting personality, its a hard change with negative outcome.
I needed respite but was too overwhelmed & tired to find it because daily caregiving is draining in all senses. Even with caregivers, I was responsible for every Dr visit (to take notes, drive to & from), etc, grocery shopping, emergencies, hospital stays, POA for health & finances, etc. There’s a strain physically, mentally & every which way that a sole caregiver experiences. People here say you need a marriage counselor.. you need an assisted living or nursing home... as a caregiver you don’t even have time to wipe your nose! An office coworker once told me, “well you made this choice on yourself”. While it may be true, I say to that-but you live a little longer and you’ll understand!! It was hard not to have someone strong & trustworthy to shoulder the load. You can’t just leave your mom to a caregiver for 8 days & go to Jamaica. And no one understands this until they’ve experienced it!
Here's my suggestion... be on your wife’s side. Unfortunately, the realities of life squelch many of our best plans. I know a couple who planned to travel upon retirement but one became very ill. These things are NOT impossibilities, they are challenges but totally workable. Talk to your wife, try not to have the mindset that she’s abandoned you because she hasn’t (I know!) and tell her that you support her caregiving but y’all need vacations & much needed time together. Encourage & help your wife interview caregivers/respite stay/volunteers to stay with mom as recommended by trusted people: Dr., nurses, friends, & church...and start off slowly. Keep an organized note taking binder for all of this. When you find this place & or caregivers, go forward and take a couple days getaway to B&B..close by destination... somewhere fun but not too far away. You can find an assisted living that will do respite stay, maybe use them on a 3-4 day getaway. Build on the foundation and be flexible.
You mentioned the Bible in your marriage question. As a Christian, staying married and caring for your family is highly regarded in God’s will. Consider attending a Bible teaching church & pray, asking Jesus for provision. If He calls you to do something, He will always provide what you all need to accomplish it. You are doing what is right. I pray for you His blessings & peace on you all!
My mother needs total nursing care and so far we manage between us to care for her needs. But when the time comes, I know I must put my husband first. She goes to respite care once or twice a year so that we can have a holiday together but when we retire we must consider ourselves.
I think you must have a heart to heart talk with your wife and tell her how much she means to you but even though you also care about your MIL, you cannot continue with this situation. I am sure she is aware of how much this is affecting your relationship and she must feel so torn.
One or two weeks respite care in a good care facility could be a start with a view to her spending longer periods there if you feel happy with the care she receives. That way it will be a gradual process for all of you to allow you to adapt and if your wife sees that she is being well cared for she will not feel so bad about letting her go,
Consider another, less drastic alternative. Consider purchasing a home with a specially designed senior apartment in your new home in Florida. We relocated to the mountains of North Carolina 4 years ago. My mother was 80 at the time and in very poor health. We needed to relocate from our very high cost of living area to a place where we could retire without worry of financial difficulties. We decided to keep my Mom with us in a specially built senior apartment in our new home. It was a complicated relocation, but it worked! When we want or need to travel away from home we hire a Licensed Practical Nurse caregiver to stay with Mom in her apartment. You will find that Florida is well staffed with such helpers.
Don't leave your wife OR your your MIL. Use your 'resources' to make your new home in Florida a paradise for all of you.
So, why don't you just hire someone 24 - 7 to stay with your Mom and go on those Vacations. I'm sure your wife could use some R&R. It's rough to be a Caregiver.
Move to Florida and bring Mom with you, buy a house that has a Mother in Law Room with own entrace and hire someone to help out during the week or weekends to give you and your wife some needed alone time.
It would be a Win Win Situation for all.
Old people especially ones already with memory issues, dont take well to changes and most don't live very long when moved in to a Facility.
Countrymouse gave you the best advice I think. Quit asking for permission.
Quoting:
Jack, I must point out that you're hardly going to get what you want - to enjoy your golden years with your lovely wife - by leaving your wife. You'll be sitting on the cruise ship thinking "I'm sure I've forgotten something..."
You would not be a monster to force your wife to make that choice, but you would be silly because it is a classic False Dichotomy. Your wife does not have to choose one or the other. She does not have to abandon her mother to make better use of her time with you. She does not have to lose her husband and her own life to take good care of her mother.
Do try to discard certain resentments, such as those that spring from the cleaving thing. And, by the way, it is men who leave their parents and cleave to their wives' families in the Mosaic traditions. In Eastern cultures women are given into their husbands' families. But in no major tradition that I know of do married couples get shot of their elders altogether.
Then, pick your battles and array your forces carefully and start small. Your ruby wedding is a bit long to wait; when is your or your wife's birthday? Book the nicest short break you can imagine. Then you need to put the caretaking structure in place. No other family - what about friends or neighbours? You don't live in a vacuum, there must be people who know all of you well.
You want:
a good respite place in a nice facility;
a volunteers' visiting rota, so that MIL sees familiar faces daily;
cheerleading friends, so that your wife is encouraged to take this small but crucial step by everyone around.
The key thing is to set a really positive precedent. Wait for your wife to change her mind and yes, you will be pushing up daisies long before it happens. So instead - do the work. Do the research, make the enquiries, consult the professionals, handle the assessments and reservations. Leave your wife with nothing to worry about because YOU have attended fully to MIL's wellbeing, and nothing to do but take your hand.
Then, God willing, once this is under your belt and you have a good experience to draw on, you'll be free to explore further options with a more open mind on the part of all of you.
You will be thinking "oh they'll never agree."
Wrong.
If you say: "let's look for respite care so that we can get away for a break" she'll never agree. You are proposing that she undertakes a challenging project for an uncertain reward. And she is tired and fretful and feeling torn. Of course she won't agree.
If you say - oo I dunno, I'll pretend it's for me :) -
"we are going to NY for the weekend. Here is our full itinerary. On Thursday evening, you and I and mother are going to have dinner at Dragons' Nest, where Mrs Bradshaw will then welcome mother for her five day stay. Here is mother's schedule for the weekend, which Selma and Bill will be reporting on daily. Say yes, then I will answer any questions you have."
- you may need to be a teensy tiny bit masterful about it, but you will get a yes.
And if your MIL really is a sweet old lady, and can keep a secret, you might even get her on board as a conspirator, eh?
So. Stop asking for permission. Make what you want to happen, happen.
jackcooper;
From your posts, it sounds like MIL was a good mother and perhaps your wife knows all too well that she might lose mom anytime soon, so she wants to participate now as much as she can now. That is understandable and reasonable. Yes, this has gone on a long time, but only recently has she needed more care AND only recently have you retired.
Too many people regret after the loss of a LO that they did NOT spend (enough) quality time with them. Perhaps she wants to get the most out of mom's remaining time.
I was resenting both brothers. Although none of us provide mom's care (yes, she is in MC), I get all the rest to deal with (visits, appts, calls from staff, managing funds, buying stuff she needs, etc.) One brother isn't local, so he's more or less "off the hook." The other is still working, so I do cut him some slack, but I have told him this:
Mom and dad had a GREAT retirement. They shared care for our grandmother with mom's sisters, but she was gone by the time they retired and they traveled, went to FL in the winter, etc., enjoying MANY years together (actually many vacations, including travel, before retirement too.) I am retired, but don't feel the need or want to travel and don't like FL. I have other things I need to do and would rather be doing, but this is sucking up too much of MY time and energy. He is 10 years younger than me, and by the time HE retires, mom will likely be gone (95 now), so he can do what HE wants and have a good old time! Meanwhile, my retirement is sucking. The only way to make it better for me was to lose the resentment. Anger and resentment don’t change anything and just makes one feel worse!
Can any shopping be done by ordering online and having it delivered (at least non-perishables) to reduce care time? Cleaning – hire someone? Think of ways to HELP your wife and MIL rather than just focusing on what YOU want. Freeing up some of her time would give you both more time together, which is the goal.
A couple of posters suggested giving wife a break - a spa day or something so she can relax while you take over the meds and cooking for MIL. Countrymouse mentioned small steps - yes, take small steps, not that huge leap you are threatening! Doing that could result in THREE very unhappy people.
Do you do anything special for her now (leaving MIL out of that answer!)? Flowers? Treats and/or gifts? Love notes? Back rubs? Or do you just complain that all her time is spent on MIL?
Treat her (and maybe MIL) by preparing a special meal for them, giving your wife a break (or order food if you don't cook.) Plan a lovely evening out with your wife, something you know she has enjoyed in the past, even if it is just a leisurely long dinner date - you can hire someone to care for MIL in the house if she needs oversight for a short time.
Consider suggesting some in-home care to give your wife a break. Although 24/7 in-home care is more than AL, you wouldn't need that full time yet, so it could be a less expensive option. Suggest starting with a few hours and/or a few days/week. Once a routine is in place, you could make the suggestion for an extended few days trip with the wife and have the caregivers care for MIL.
Don't demand she give up all the care-giving. Don't demand to put MIL in AL. COMPROMISE. It could take time and multiple care-givers until your wife feels the aide(s) are competent. Cut her some slack on that. Soon enough the time for facility care might arrive, but for now, baby step your way through this. Get feedback from your wife (and avoid negating or overriding her responses - she has thoughts and feelings too!) Work on getting a little help to come IN, and treat your wife to some special time OUT. If she comes to feel appreciated and starts to enjoy her "breaks", and sees that care-givers can fill in sometimes, she might be more willing to take longer breaks away.
If all I heard from you were demands to put mother away, I might tune you out too!
It is concerning he hasn't told his wife he is seeing a counselor. Are things so far gone he couldn't say to his wife of 38 years, who he professes to love: "Honey, I'm having trouble processing certain aspects of retirement. I've made an appointment to see a counselor to help me work through my issues."
There is a disconnect between them & maybe, just maybe, intentional or not, he is using MIL & her care needs as the excuse to go his own way. (Fleetwood Mac, 1977)