I live out of town, single and after being jobless for a year,I finally got an offer, but my mother is also newly widowed. My sister is married, newly retired with a new grand baby who is in the home, so she will be helping her daughter and baby. Since I’m single I’ve been asked by my sister if I could move in with our mother so she won’t be alone. I’ve had such a hard time finding a job and now that I’ve finally been offered a job, I’m being asked by my sister to basically turn it down and move back home. I don’t want to sound selfish or uncaring however I’m torn as to what to do. I want to do what’s, at the same time, I finally got a job, looking forward to starting my life over after successfully completing a rehab program and getting thru covid. I’m so anxious to get my life back on track, not to mention, I’ve recently started a new relationship back where I live. I’ve never been married and would love to have that experience. But now, it seems that I have to put my dreams on hold in order to move back home to be with my mother. So I guess my question is, do I reject this new job offer, put my relationship on hold/try to make it work long distance, put my dreams of finally getting my life on the right track on hold in order to move with my mother who is in good health but has challenged eyesight which is a concern of ours plus the fact that she will be living alone after 50 years of marriage will be hard. What do I do??
I would tell your sister that you are going to accept the job offer and if it doesn't pan out, then you will consider moving back.
But, even if you move back, you would be working, not staying home with your mom as she is in good health.
Speak to mom and sister about it to come up with other ideas..
Maybe mom could get a Roommate so she wouldn't be alone and make some extra money at the same time.
Maybe she could do Volunteer wor to keep her busy
Maybe your mom is ok with living alone and you could call her everyday to check up on her and your sister can visit her every day?
Maybe mom would like to downsize and move from her home to a Senior Living Apartment that would have other Seniors for company and things to do.
It's sad when our parents get old but you really have to make the choice of what would be best for you as you have mentioned that you just completed a rehab program and it may be easier for you to stay where you're the most happiest so you will have a better chance at staying out of rehab.
Prayers
Your mom isn’t all that old...probably in her 70’s? She will go through grieving of course which is only natural. But she isn’t helpless. Unless her husband did every single thing and she doesn’t have a clue how to pay bills etc.. If that’s the case, it doesn’t require you to take over as a "pseudo" husband.
Have someone find out if there is a widows support group, if she has a religious denomination, then visit with her pastor, rabbi or priest etc. She needs to find her resilience. And perhaps at some point, move to a senior community.
You need to be working on building your social security and retirement savings. She had a life..now it’s your turn. You and sister can support her in other ways.
mom that...” My dad did eventually become very ill, etc.. However, I now see that I thought I was to rescue him and my mom from all circumstances! You were not born to be a child and then become a substitute spouse for your parents. Trust me... this is so easy to fall into. You can find ways to be supportive to your mom that do not include moving in with her and being her 24 hour support system. This will physically and mentally drain you. Again, accept the job, flourish and enjoy creating your own life! Your sister has quite obviously created hers.
Why can't your mom live alone?
I am Widowed as are many of my friends. It is a fact of life that women outlive men and by that statistic alone there are a lot of women living alone. And I think most of us do quite well. Possible with a bit of help here and there.
There is no way you should pass up a job opportunity that presents itself IF...
It is a job you want in your chosen field OR if you will learn and grow from this job. Not to add that a job will increase your income when you retire and it will also allow you to pay down debt that I imagine has accumulated over the time you have been unemployed as well as an opportunity to save for your future.
Now that the "logical" is out of the way..
You can not nor should you bear the responsibility of caring for your mom.
If she truly can not live alone a facility that will best meat her needs anything from Independent Living, she would not have to do anything to maintain, no property taxes and little if any bills for most other household expenses. Assisted Living if she needs a little up to a lot of help. Memory Care if she has been diagnosed with dementia to Skilled Nursing if she has medical conditions that require more help. (your mom has not been diagnosed with dementia or does not need skilled nursing, I am putting this in for others that may be in the same situation)
Now lets break it down.
If Independent living is for her, you can take the job, she does not "need" you.
If Assisted Living, Memory Care or Skilled Nursing is appropriate, take the job since you probably will not be able to care for her yourself and will need to hire caregivers to help out. (and by you hire I mean mom pays for them)
If finances are a problem, her house gets sold, assets used to pay for her care then apply for Medicaid.
Your mom would not want you to "reject this new job offer, put your relationship on hold/try to make it work long distance, put your dreams of finally getting your life on the right track"
If she truly needs you to help out SHE can be the one to move closer to you. Notice I did not say move IN with you. A Senior Apartment, or Independent Living facility where she can be active. BUT moving will take her away from all her friends and an area that she has lived in for a very long time.
And a final questions as your mom been asked about what she wants? It sounds like you and your sister are the ones that are spearheading this not your mom.
let the chips land where they fall. Family should start looking at the resources as help is needed
live your life!
I left my career to move to the country and build a house for mom and me, and two stressful years later, I had to place her anyway, and I don't have my career anymore. Now I am 62 and I can't go back to it. And there are no single guys out here.
On the other hand, I am glad I had that time with her before placing her..
Who the hell is going to be there for YOU when you get older and can retire? Who will be there for you NOW god forbid you get sick and can't care for dear old mom? Being single, from a survival and financial perspective deserves JUST if not MORE consideration as someone with a baby. Mom will have to contend with her grief regardless of her living arrangements, and she needs to take on some of that responsibility not lay it on either of you daughters. You cannot afford, I'm guessing, to turn down a job. You have been through a rough enough time yourself....It's hard for those of us who are grateful, appreciative, and caring to put ourselves first....we're so not used to that....but there comes a point...for me getting so ill I was near death (not Covid related) that we have to say..hey...wait a second. I matter too! Check out your mom's local city hall or the local Area Agency on Aging to see what services are available for mom so she can continue living independently. There may be more than you realize. Groceries, meals can be delivered, and there may well be transportation as well. Perhaps you have a local sight center that can suggest things to help with vision loss to manage better. Maybe share her home with a college student (background checked) and for lower rent the person can help with various tasks mom needs help with like house cleaning or meal prep....
Offer to help your mom in ways that you can while working full time. Help your sister to find more helpers - other family members, friends, members of faith community, and paid help - to meet your mom's needs. Offer to clean house once a week. Offer to look for an assisted living situation your mom can move into - more people around her + help. There are more options that just moving in with your mom.
Self-care is not selfish. Everyone please say that out loud several times throughout your life journey.
I’m unenthused and a wee bit disgusted at your sister’s suggestion. While she may have your mom’s best interest at heart, she isn’t thinking of YOUR best interest.
Because I can “hear” the excitement in your words, my humble opinion is that you embark on whatever path(s) your heart desires at this moment, regardless of sister’s wants or mom’s needs. You have a life to live, so go for it!
There are all kinds of senior care companies out there, as well as private duty caregivers … not to mention friends, neighbors, fellow church goers … you name it. It may take some tome getting some good folks in place, but you can do it. And you’ll find time to visit and check in on mom, too. You will.
You say you're single and presumably live alone (?), so why can't your mother learn to do that too? I have always found it very odd that those who are of the mind that it's necessary to have company ("I can't live alone") always assume that everyone thinks the same way they do. So who is that thinks your mother can't live alone - your mother, you, or your sister? Have you asked your mother if she wants you to move in?
Live your life, your way. You get one go, please don't sacrifice it at your sisters' behest unless you're sure that's what you really want - and from your post I don't think it is.
Others have said that you need to be concerned about your own retirement as well as your sobriety. And I agree.
Living alone for your mom is quite an adjustment, but may do better than you think if she had been primary caretaker for your dad before his passing. You could discuss mom coming to visit with both you/your sister to see what she can do for herself in your homes. It's very possible after a few stays between the two homes, mom will want to return to her home and quite able to do so. Should her health decline further, it comes down to how much money mom has to pay for in-home care - going to assisted living - living permanently with one of you in your homes. That should be a family discussion so everyone understands what mom would like to see happen versus what can actually happen.
i a was in a very similar, but different, situation. To make a very long, sad story, short.. I wish I would have either went to live with mom or moved her in with me. No question about it.
as you make your decision, I can suggest the following:
Base the decision between you and your mother and what you feel in your heart to be right. Do not bring in emotion on what other siblings could/should do, no matter how right that thinking may be. They will have to live with their decisions on how they sacrificed, or not, for their aged mother.
Do what you know to be right and things will work out. I can almost guarantee it will be very challenging BUT to be able to look back and know you did everything you could may turn out to be one of the biggest blessings of your lifetime.
This is the beginning of a season to take care of mom, it is not going to get easier; do what you can and set yourself to enjoy time with mom.
perhaps you could hire a caregiver or maybe mom may be in an area where there is good elderly help available. At the time I thought was cost prohibitive for me but turns out other decisions became much more costly.
Plan for her needs increasing. Don't wait for an emergency, your options may be limited and you will not be able to think as clearly. Please do not look to nursing home down the road, unless the absolute 24 hour need is there. Those places are torture and a stain on our humanity.
Best to you!