I am a single mom of 5 2 of my children have high functioning asbergers. I asked my mom to move in with me to help me watch the kids while i work. When i originally asked her i told her that i could pay her per day if i was able to recieve help theough mrdd for childcare if not i knew i couldnt pay her much. Now i also said i wasnt going to charge her for rent or food or any incidentals if she watched them so i could work. Now my mom has been here for 3 years almost and is telling me she wants 50 dollars a day to watch them, which with my schedule works out to 700 a month , i barely bring in a thousand a month. So i said thats fine if she wants to charge me that much then she was going to have to start paying bills. Her comment was, "I wont pay for anything you would pay for if i wasnt here.".....that is everything i pay! I dont know what to do my son who is autistic keeps telling me he hates her and she yells at him all the time and i have to tell her to stop picking on the kids constantly when im here. Oh i almost forgot she sleeps in my bedroom and im on the couch. I don't want to kick her out on the streets but im done with all the stress of what she brings to my house. Any suggestions would help ty :)
Room and utilities. $450, food $250 personal allowance $50 miscellaneous $100
= $850 you are paying her. What is she contributing in hours, say $10/hr? That amount should come to at least $850. Then, any overages you might owe her can be deducted from this account: we are a family and we might still want you to stay with us, so anything extra that we cannot pay you comes out of your' loving the family because I am the grandmother accoubt'.
Bothe of you try to get aling before youd situation goes further south and is not only then untenabls, but unredeenable.
I would also question if your mom has some dementia or just age related decline. Sometimes dementia makes the person change and become disagreeable and even forget what they had previously said. Still, providing care for special needs children is stressful. Maybe she just in overload. It's understandable.
While this could be a good arrangement with your mom, it's just not working. If you think she is thinking clearly, a third uninterested party might bring you together on some terms, but that would cost money, unless you could get some reduced rate legal services from legal aid. It might be less costly than evicted her.
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So move forward and look for alternatives.
Is it the 10 year-old that hates her?
I personally feel that an older person, whether grandmother or grandfather, should never be asked to care for children with special needs, or even 4 children under the age of 11. That's a lot for any parent to handle, let alone someone who's already raised her own child(ren) and is presumably 20 or more years at least older than you are. No wonder she's frustrated.
You're stuck right now on the financial justification issues - whether the $50/day is too much. Recognize that these are intractable and that you can't solve the issue based on the $50/day vs. your income. So put that aside so you can both move on.
And please stop playing the martyr with the "dredge on society" issue. You had these children and they're your responsibility. Step back from the quarrelsome issues and focus on carrying out your responsibility to your children as best you can. All the squabbling about how much, paying for this and paying for that is like being in a car on ice, sitting there spinning its tires and going nowhere.
And in the meantime, contact Friend of the Court; they can investigate to determine if the father is getting any kind of government support. He's living someplace, eating, one way or the other, isn't he? If he's getting support from unemployment or whatever source, the FoC will know how to deal with this so he can be made to be responsible, even though he apparently doesn't want to.
I don't know whether they would garnish government income, but it's worth a try. This guy fathered 5 children and needs to be held accountable, and the FoC can explore ways to make this happen. Let them do what they're paid to do. But don't just give up on getting anything from him.
Excuse me, I am going to bow out for awhile because war is about to break out.
Take her to financial counseling? What is her condition anyway?
You do understand I am trying to show all sides of the possibilities? You are wholly justified first protecting your chidren and you. By advocating for your mom, using that perspective, I am hoping it will help you.
It is not unusual for a child with autism, any child, to yell out that he hates you.
Try an autism support group for you and mom to figure out how to get through this. As in any home, if there are two adults with authority and they are acting like enemies, chaos runs rampant. If it were two parents, counselors would advise the two of you to present a united front and agree. Sorry she is picking on the children, but stress and limited skills cause this, that can be remedied.
These are but a few ideas on how to start where you are to make it work in less than ideal circumstances. I worry about how you would survive with your sanity if you were home to raise 5 children alone. Can you take a few days to think about how it could work, because moving mom out under these circumstances could cause a rift that could never be healed. Is your mom having dementia as well as stress?
Just one more consideration, does mom have spending cash at least? You need to provide that, even when money is short. Try good budgeting. You don't need to explain the details of your income, but mom would not be asking for $700/mo. If you only received $1000/mo. total., that would just be insane. If that is happening, continue to find placement for her elsewhere.
You are neglecting your children by not GOING TO THE WALL for the child support they deserve. Whatever it takes. Keep going back to court until you start getting a regular check. To do anything less is, in my opinion, child neglect. This money isn't for you. It's for the CHILDREN you and he decided to bring into this world.
What do you think an au pair would charge to care for 5 children, including the 2 with special needs? Mother's asking $50 a day, only $10 per child. That hardly seems unreasonable to me.
Bluntly, this sounds like an exploitive situation; I think your mother is right to put her foot down and demand more than gas money, food, etc.
And go after that deadbeat father; Friend of the Court can garnish his wages as well as any tax returns. It's irresponsible for him not to pay and equally so for you not to be pursuing all legal remedies to get child support.
I think you should help your mother find a place of her own, including Section 8 housing if that's appropriate. She's been working and underpaid in kind for years.
I'm sorry, but it sounds to me that mom's an indentured servant. Tied to your home...watching your children...for room and board. She's tired of it. As well she should be,in my opinion.
You need to make some changes in your own life and hope that mom hangs in there long enough for you to make them.
If you don't need your mom there to watch the kids, you'll probably have to evict her to get her out. She has tenant's rights even though she pays no rent. For that, you're going to need an attorney.
If you MOVE, though, you are under no legal obligation to take her with you. As for her claiming that you have to pay her back for everything she's spent on the kids, etc., that's a baloney attempt to manipulate you. Don't even argue with her about it. Just tell her to take you to court. She won't. It'll shut her up. If she does, she won't win.
Get busy, girlfriend. I'm here to tell ya' life's way too short.
You need to immediately find out about how to initiate eviction proceedings, because it can be a long process.
Bartering child care for room and board CAN work (as with Au pairs) if there is a clear agreement about the duties and resposibilites on esch side. but if mom wants to be paid (which is not unreasonable), she needs to find a different position, one that pays that sort of rate.
It's hard to treat a transaction with family in a business-like way. You are not throwing mom into the street, you are going to give her some time to give her time to find a new apartment and job. And you need to find new childcare. Go back to mrdd and find out what afterschool care is available.
Your mom is an adult. If she needs help finding a senior apartment, help her make some calls.