I come over everyday and care for my mother who has dementia and real bad short term memory. I do have caregivers that relieve me during the afternoon and graveyard. But this particular past week has been real hard because everyone has been getting sick and I have been covering their shifts. I have been spending over 12 hr days with her and yesterday it came to a head. She has been verbally abusive to me for no reason in the past but last night at about 7 pm I was locking the patio door and I turned around and she appeared behind me saying that I was going to be very sorry and that she was going to tell my older brother about me. I said nothing. She went to bed and when she gets this way she really scares me so I kenneled her dog and shut off TV and sat at kitchen table in dark til graveyard person arrived at 8 pm. I was too scared to make any sound that would set her off again. I'm scared and alone and don't know what to do.
Yay for us!
It was just coincidence that I had just last week experienced similar to your situation.
I would not have known to consider detaching with love had it not been several years on here reading the advice of caring people like Barb, Jeanne, Golden, MsMadge, FregFlyer, and Countrymouse to name a few. In fact, much of what I said was borrowed from them over the years.
They all are a fast study and may take a situation to it's logical conclusion before others are able to understand. In your personal situation, you are already aware of the dangers.
What I am trying to say so awkwardly, is that give everyone a chance to help, considering what will help you and your Mom, and leave the rest. It could have been me jumping to conclusions that won't work in your situation. I just felt that you can be trusted, as I also trust the others who have weighed in to help.
Hoping for you that everyone will soon be safe and your Mom will get the care she needs, wherever that may be. You have been a wonderful daughter to care for her and want her to have what she wants ( live at home) plus what she needs.
It is sad when their needs outweigh their wants at times. You will figure this out I am sure. Trust yourself.
You truly understand what I am going through.
Do you doubt what you have experienced and written about here?
I have been here, read your posts. You are making perfect sense.
I understand your fear and concerns. It is real, it is happening now.
You can, actually support your mother, be her advocate, without taking a shift on the caregiver schedule. I suggest getting another caregiver in, and let your brother deal with the financials. Giving up a shift will leave you as her daughter, and unpaid. That part may become difficult, but in many ways, just being separate, as her daughter, may free you. It won't be any time at all before your brother realizes she requires more care than you and the caregivers can provide. If at home, or in a specially selected home/facility.
Recently, when visiting my loved one/elder, his son (a former addict/sociopath) approached at the AL. I instinctively placed myself (by backing up) behind the wheelchair and my dH at my right side. Deciding today, I need to leave ALL these dysfunctional people (dangerous) to their own devices and lifestyles. It would actually be easier right now to slip into denial and continue trying to be of loving asistance. I hope you don't do that.
Not sure exactly, what I am going to do, the timeline for extricating myself from ALL.
I will start by changing one phone number, and continue thinking, deciding, low key so as not to alert that I am no longer available. Will be using phone games, (did not get your call); not returning texts or e-mails (like they have done to me); and other tricks now that I understand how they function in accord as narcissists and sociopaths to maintain their status quo of some power trip and for their own financial gain. Nobody worry after me, because I will survive. Being ever so careful now.
I know it's difficult, but you (and we!) are very concerned about your safety.
I think what caused my fear was something from childhood, that confrontation was a repeat of something that happened maybe 62 years ago when I was a toddler but I don’t know what. I’m planning on seeing a counselor or therapist because I want to know why I felt a primal fear of my mom. It was ‘fight or flight’ definitely and I doubt I fear the little 100 pound lady I was trying to sooth.
By the way, Geri Psych added some medication to my mom’s daily regimen and she is A LOT calmer. I think maybe my mom was abused as a child too. She’s never mentioned it but she did not get along with her mom and HATED her father.
Your brother holds POA and is responsible for arranging for her care.
You have knowledge now that your mother is a danger to others and have wisely removed potential weapons. I think it's certainly time to remove yourself from this dangerous situation.
It sounds as though your mom needs to have a psychiatric workup and meds to help with her delusions/paranoia.
Ho ho HO.
So... how do you think you might go about convincing your brother that you are on the verge of a total sense of humour failure?
Hasn't it already?
At this point I'm just going to take it one day at a time. If the situation arises I will call for help for her to be placed for safety sake and then let him know so that she can be placed permanently.
As I write this it does not make me happy. My mother was physically abused by her mother and often has nightmares about it...the graveyard caregivers tell me about it the next morning. It is for this reason that I hold off in placing her away from her home. I am afraid that even in the best places she can be abused. I don't want that for my mother. I love her so much. This is breaking my heart.
Both my older brother and I are her medical POA and he is the financial POA.
He is expected to arrive sometime this morning. He did text me late last night about my text. I just went back to sleep and did not answer him back.
My daughter used to help out with the caregiving but it got to the point that she didn't feel comfortable so I immediately took her off the schedule and found another caregiver.
I am trying my best but while I am here with her I cannot wait to leave and for the next caregiver to replace me. I pray each hour everyday that she does not find any fault with any of the caregivers. I already had to terminate an excellent caregiver recently. She had almost been working with us for nearly a year. My mother accused her of stealing food and so whenever she worked graveyards my mother would freeze all of the food in the fridge. I would hear about her distasteful comments all day prior to the caregiver showing up to work. I was sorry to see her go.
Please, please let us know what happens today when your brother comes over. It would be a perfect time to give him written notice (keep a copy!) that you intend to stop caring for your mother.
It’s awful and I don’t know answer. My mom was up all night and slept most of day constantly checking doors and locks and closing blinds.
If you can’t keep or rely on help and mom isn’t safe at home or a potential threat to caregivers; it’s time for residential care. If you must, then sell property and use all her assets to pay for care and/or Medicaid or senior substitence. Your local senior services agency can help you with exploring her options.
For me, we finally got mom placed in memory care where she is thriving, but she had assets including sale of her home that is paying the monthly fee.
Wishing you luck and peace of mind.
I don't think anyone here is suggesting you do anything APS would object to. No one says just stop going there without telling anyone. Give notice. Give a reasonable time to find a replacement (reasonable for someone who is actually looking) or arrange placement.
I would also call APS and tell them about the scissors and threatening behavior and explain that you have to leave for your own safety and sanity. You don't want bad things for your mother, but you cannot handle this level of mental illness. See what they suggest.
When I was with her today she got that tone in her voice again and I immediately just let her have her way.
Other caregivers have told me that when they go to the bathroom she cuts holes into their jackets and sweaters. I was shocked when I heard this and removed all of the scissors from her house immediately.
My older brother is coming over tomorrow. I spoke with him this morning but he didn't mention anything about the text I sent him. He just kept the conversation light and funny and so I just gave the phone over to my mother.
And you are spending 12 hours a DAY? How is this unequal distribution of mother-duty in any way fair to you?
I agree with the others; give brother a deadline and then leave.
Keep us updated! We're rooting for you!
I am so sorry you get that uncomfortable, fearful feeling around your Mom. I did too a few times. It wasn’t really anything she said. It was the look in her eyes. I have never voiced that to anyone. Ever. It makes me feel better that others have felt they same way.
I have gone thru this with my deceased father who had vascular dementia and whenever he had an UTI he would act strange, including punching me in the stomach. My mother is against going to doc appts. I make them and then I have to cancel them.
I have two brothers. The younger one is highly bipolar who sends me strange threatening letters to me since my father passed away a few yrs ago. He is a multiple felon and is not scared of the law and the police cannot help me so forget about him.
My older brother is the financial POA and comes once a wk for 2-3 hrs for bills, plays cards and music with her. I tell him how abusive she gets with me but he told me to laugh it off.
This morning when I went in to be with her I sent him a text telling him that it was time to discuss placement.
Haven't heard from him and it is near 10 pm now.
For now I would also secure and lock up kitchen knives and anything else that could be turned into a weapon.