What is the best and kindest way to take her car away? It’s her freedom and she’s super stubborn. Hide it, hide the keys, try to talk her into it (hasn’t worked yet)? We live out of town but have people checking in on her and giving her rides already. She can’t use a cell phone or anything with navigation.
Sorry about that, I'm still learning how to navigate this forum as I've only been on it for two months!
The Doctor will affirm via testimonies from relatives and neighbors and his own testimony that she is no longer fit to drive--- plus it may be time to start looking for a Assisted Living or may be an Independent Living facility -- because she may not be able to cook for herself if she is too distracted to drive--- my father-in-law almost burn his house down. Act now or wish you had. Also establish a Power of Attorney-- and ask the questions if she wishes a DNR order in case she is hospitalized and ends up a vegetable and a point of contention between the medical community and you -- which can only make them richer and you all poorer. Good luck-- you can call the county eldercare folks and get an ombudsman to plead your case. And you can also trick her legally into moving to a safer home where the staff will take the residents to various places in the community to shop and get them back in time for supper.
My husband gave up his drivers license because he felt he was no longer able to drive safely, but he is a very social person and like to get out of the house and be around people (at the park, or the store, or a restaurant) and you need to be mindful of that.
The elder can contest the decision if they pass the written test and then a road exam. They must go to the DMV every six months to get retested.
Good lord, I don't know who came up with that, but we couldn't even use the "D" word around mom, much less get her to understand or believe she had an issue! Her answer to being forgetful? I'm old, I'm entitled to forget things now and then... sure mom, but when you forget you just said or asked something 2 minutes ago and ask again and again and again...
Anyway, the point is every state might have different rules. Also, I tried the doctor route - NO GO. Many do not want to get in the middle.
We had the doctor deal with it for us to a point. The doctor always did the tests on both of them yearly for dementia. We had her do one and she told mom she felt that it was time for her to stop driving as her reflexes and thought processes had diminished some. Mom was livid...Dr said ok, how about this? Why don't you go take the test they have annd if you pass then it's up to you to continue, if not then you will have to stop driving. She reluctantly took the test. It is one they offer in PA for drivers to test reflexes, responses and identifying signs and their meanings. It is computer questions then a simulated driving test with steering wheel, big window like in a car and brake and gas pedal just like in a car. Mom did horrible. She no way passed it. She blamed it on not being given enough time to respond. I said Mom, if a little child ran out in front of you would you say, Wait a minute for me to respond? I said I know you feel your independence is being taken away but you really don't go places anymore and can't drive in the evening so don't you feel some reluctance about driving anymore with all the traffic and new roads? She finally admitted she did and guessed it was time. My sister and I obviously had to promise her whenever they wanted to go somewhere one of us would take them. Luckily their neighbor started driving them out to eat once a week.
Maybe you can get the doctor involved to help make it easier on you so you don't get all the blame for taking the license away. Some states are starting to make it mandatory for people over 70 or 80 to have to take this test. Good luck to you and keep me posted. Sandy
I'm familiar with that verse and it's so true in many of life's situations. Although my mom didn't say that to me like your dad did about the car being a weapon, I told my mom the same thing when I took her keys away and put a steering wheel lock on. How would you feel if you severely injured or killed someone or yourself - it too was useless and I said it a lot!
You were fortunate to have a neighbor talk to him "man-to-man" and that your dad turned over the keys.
What a sad ending though - to watch your dad spend his declining years yearning to be able to drive his "beloved car" - very, very sad for not just him but all of you. I'm sorry it turned out that way and he was never able to truly accept it and find something else to focus on. I do get it though because my mom has always loved to drive! She was mad for several years - now it's just a faded memory for us all.
Sometime after we took the car, my mother whined about it. She said "I don't go far." My response was I don't care if you go 2 feet, if you hit someone they will sue you and you would lose EVERYTHING! She had no answer to that. She continued to whine about it, us taking her "wheels", but eventually that morphed into the worst thing SHE did was give up her wheels. Eventually even that stopped. After we moved her to MC (3.5+ years ago), she whined to YB every time he visited about going back to her condo... for 9 months. Then she forgot that place and wanted to go to her mother's place OR the house they owned prior to the condo (mother has been gone 40+ years, house 26+ years!) Last I was able to visit (lock down now), she was still living about 40+ years ago, based on mother and comments about her younger sister and that sister's disabled grandchild (referred to her as THAT baby, who would be 40+ about now.)
Absolutely we need to ensure they can get out, get supplies, etc, but we shouldn't wait until that is all set! The car should go away asap!
I wanted a "slow and easy" approach, without making her upset.
My dad started easily slipping into the car with her when she got ready to go somewhere. That way he could kind of keep an eye out. Slowly but surely, he would offer to do the driving.
Eventually. he took over and it worked out perfect. She stopped driving on her own.
You can talk with her doctor and get a note that says she is not mentally capable of driving and send it in to the government. They will promptly cancel her licence.
This is not only selfish but down right dangerous.
My mother, now 88, has had dementia for over 5 years. We tried taking her keys away after she “got lost” one mile from home. She threatened to call the police, her lawyer, and friends and relatives if we wouldn’t return her keys. Oddly, though she has extreme dementia, she can really put on a show and appear absolutely normal to strangers and even friends and relatives whom she has convinced that my siblings and I are mean and greedy. My brother tried dismantling her car, but she simply called a repairman. She kept saying, “I only go to the grocery store and the bank,” both of which are on a super busy highway. Then, one day, she had an accident in the parking lot of Walmart. We wouldn’t have known about it, except that she secretly mentioned the accident to her granddaughter. She had backed out of her parking place and rammed into a car. This accident turned into an opportunity for us to intervene. We lied and told mom that her insurance company had cancelled her insurance. She was devastated and angry. Every day she’d look out the window at her car in the driveway and cry, then beg for us to give her keys back. She wanted to drive so badly that she was willing to drive without any insurance! Even mentioning that she could kill a child did not dissuade her, and mom is crazy for little kids. We then moved her car and parked it behind my sister’s house until we were able to find the title so we could sell it. To this day mom still talks about how we took away her independence. That is the key, I think - that to take away a dementia patient’s car Is to remove their independence. Though we have arranged for her to have access to a ride anywhere she wants to go, it’s “just not the same” to her, and she never lets us forget it. (Of course, she recalls nothing about her accident from years ago.) I think she will go to her grave talking about her car. I wish you luck with your mom. Just do what you have to - even if you have to lie - and get that car away from her ASAP.
The other day he brought it up again, and I told him that was five years ago, so he dropped it. My brother, by the way, now says he absolutely shouldn't drive and acts like it was his idea! Interestingly, his family doctor would have passed him - but not the specialists. Keep on til you find a doctor who is not afraid of offended someone.
The other day he brought it up again, and I told him that was five years ago, so he dropped it. My brother, by the way, now says he absolutely shouldn't drive and acts like it was his idea! Interestingly, his family doctor would have passed him - but not the specialists. Keep on til you find a doctor who is not afraid of offended someone.
His problem was not driving mechanics, those were actually fairly good, but he would get lost for hours during a 10 minute drive. He would also jump out of the car at stops and yell at other drivers.
As soon as he said he might need to give up his car we got rid of it.
elationship with Lyft. Unfortunetely, my mom was unable to learn a new skill, but it works thru their smartphone and flip phone.