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My mom lives in northern Illinois. I live in Florida and have a very happy life with my significant other of 30 years.


Mom is the primary caregiver for her husband, who has been diagnosed with dementia. She and her husband both have diabetes, and my mom’s is not well controlled.


Recently, mom fell and broke her ankle, requiring surgery. I flew in and stayed with them for a week, and my younger brother drive in from 2 hours away and stayed with them. My older brother lives 15 minutes from them, but is too busy and unwilling to check in on them.


three weeks after the surgery, mom became quite ill, but refused to call her doctor, resulting in a trip to the hospital in Thanksgiving (my older brother refused to take her and argued with her when she called him for help saying “you need to call 911. I am not taking you.”


things are complicated because mom’s husband cannot really stay home alone. He has a daughter who lives nearby and she has helped tremendously.


this has brought several issues to the surface. When I suggest caregiver support, my mom gives a resounding “no.” When I beg her to call her doctor, it’s another “no.” She feels that all support should come from us kids.


I am certain that she also feels I am her ultimate plan. She brought my grandmother to live with us, and she seems to feel I should do the same. I watched her relationship with my grandmother deteriorate, and watched every romantic relationship my mom had fall apart. She was so unhappy.


Yet I overheard her talking to a friend while I was there, and both said “you just can’t expect the same level of care from the boys.”


basically, she expects me to be her 24/7 caregiver at some point, because that is what she did, and I am the girl.


Everyone I have asked about this has said that moving her in with me is a bad idea. How do I have that conversation without hurting her? How do I convince her that I love her and I am here to help, but I do not want give up my life the way she did? Admittedly, we have grown apart in recent years, but I do love her and want to be sure she is taken care of. How do I reconcile the fact that she expects this of me automatically because I am the daughter?


I feel incredibly scared, sad and guilty about these feelings. I do not know what to do.

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If you are aware of feeling scared, sad, and guilty, and do not know what to do, I would suggest you get into therapy to sort it all out. These are deep seated, decade long patterns of behavior and conditioning, and how the relationship with you and your mom has been set up. You are the only person who can change that as time moves on.

It sounds to me that you need to feel okay about yourself, who you are, and clear on what you will and won't do. If you are having all these feelings, you are not confident in yourself, which is required if you want to maintain a quality of life for yourself. Otherwise, without professional support, I believe you will 'lose' your life (style) to your mother, caring for her. And, likely feeling resentful and angry through it all. Do not set yourself up for this.

While you may feel guilty and scared, it is 'more' disrespectful of your mom if you allowing her to believe in her fantasy of her care in the future. You need to have this conversation NOW. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up for months or years of guilt and fear, and the accompanying emotional and psychological, and physical manifestations that come with it - you will ruin your own health / quality of life. It is best for all concerned to discuss these matters NOW.

It sounds like one of your brothers has done this - right or wrong - he has set boundaries on what he will and will not do. You need to do the same.

You reconcile by doing what you realistically can by deciding what you will take on, what level of care you will take on, and discuss ways to manage care as needed. You may need a three way conversation with a therapist and your mother to get the support you need to have this talk. Additionally, I imagine there is some / perhaps a lot of anger on your part with the care your siblings take on. Nothing falls on your shoulders UNLESS you allow that to happen. You need to build yourself up inside. Therapy can help although you do need to understand these feelings are decades in the making and will not be so easy to change. You will feel sad, grief stricken, guilt - it is what you do with these feelings / how you work through them that matter.

Realize too that her expectations are HERS. If she did not discuss or ask you about care in the future, she needs to understand that she is making huge projections without any factual basis. This will be hard for her to realize, if not understand, too. It likely will be some very confrontational interactions / conversations. They need to happen - and the sooner the better for all concerned. I would hope you could have a family intervention of sorts - so everyone can be there to 'put their cards on the table' - nothing is black or white. It is the shades of grey that need addressing. The point is to open this conversation NOW. As time moves forward, what is discussed now of the 'who does what' may change. Gena.
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From my experience it's best to talk to her now, and stand your ground. I was basically guilted into by mother and family, as I was newly out of relationship, and trying to get my life back together, and my mom got sick and needed help, somehow a year later and I'm still her caregiver. In doing that I kind of have neglected my life. I've finally had the talk with her and my family that its time for me to move on, and figure out what's best for her. I know it may be hard, but if you truly don't want to be her caregiver, you need to talk to her and your brother your decision.
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Talk to her about other ideas... “I think when I retire I’m going to travel ...

Set her expectations without directly saying no. Ease her into your reality so she doesn’t count on you and so that there is no painful confrontation or humiliation in front of others.
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Beatty Dec 2020
 “I think when I retire I’m going to travel ...

New Zealand looks nice 😁 (and currently Covid free 😇)
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it will be hard but you will have to discuss with her that in today's age and time you just can't take her in to live with you NOR can you move in with her.  You have your own obligations in your family and that she might enjoy being around other people her own age by going into an AL place where it can eventually advance into a full time NH facility to care for people with dementia, etc.  She can pay for it with her money and if she doesn't have enough, you can get with an Elder attorney for advice on getting her accepted for Medicaid.  they are a good help IF you find a good one.  Tell her that you want to keep your relationship as mother/daughter.  Do you have (or other siblings) have POA for your parents?  now is the time to get things rolling, see an elder attorney.  I wish you luck, but don't feel bad about the feelings.  I too an trying to deal with my aging mother who refuses to continue doing simple exercises to help keep her muscles from tightening up (she has arthritis in hips), so she is in pain, moves slowly and I figure one of these days I am going to get a call from the Life Alert place saying she fell.  I haven't even fully grieved my fathers passing back in May due to virus (not many at funeral).......can't hug anyone, and worried/taking care of mom didn't allow me to grieve.......so I wish you luck in whatever you choose.
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My grandmother had a Confucian view that sons were best and that the woman they married would take care of her. She had five girls of whom there were no pictures of, then a boy that there was a suitcase of pictures of.

Everyone went ape to ensure everything went smoothly for the boy. My mother got him immigration. Another, a doctor, pulled strings for his medical residency. And back when I was in HS, I was asked to meet the marriage candidate my mom had set him up with.

She was just like "I love your uncle" and I was like, well are you going to love having MIL around to live with you after you get through your honeymoon. I reported back to my mom that this plan would fail.

Which it did within a couple years. The grandma ended up being paid for and strings pulled for her until she died in a NH (probably the nicest that Medicaid offers) in 1996.

My parents' plans involve them immediately going to an independent/assisted/snf when the other one dies. If one of them falls severely ill then they've already indicated they want to be in a snf. They are immigrants, and they've come a long way in 40 years.

Compared to SO's family. His parents have in recent months both fallen ill--her with a cancer dx and he with a stroke. Everything around that has been around getting "family" to help first so that they're not paying. Eventually they got an overnight/weekend person and hired their DIL as day manager. Because of work SO is not going to be able to come by at drop of a hat to lift them, so their newest plan is to enlist the sons of aging widows who are their friends to "drop by" whenever they need to upload him or her into a vehicle, or have them watch their domestics, or whatever.

I can't even express the depth of selfishness this is.

I know a lot of these men. They know they have no chance at dating. They are socially regressed and almost uniformly angry at the position they've been put in, where they get even less respect than women doing this job. And SO's parents want to deploy some Mom who has the nads to actually command their son to go over there.

They make me sick actually with that suggestion.
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When someone has unrealistic expectations about the role of their children in their life or anything else, the best thing to do is to be brutally honest as early as possible.

When you do this, the person can make plans for their own old age.

It is very antiquated for a parent sto expect a child to be your caregiver as you age.

Some may want to take on this role, and that is fine.

Still, it should not be expected. If a parent expects their child to be their old age insurance policy than they will be disappointed.

Many children have enough of their own issues and can not afford to take care of a parent. They have jobs, children, spouses, and lives of their own.

If your mother loves you without expectation, she will understand.

Your parent decided to have children on their own. You did not have a choice regarding who your parents were.

There are many elderly who do not have children and manage to figure out how to take care of themselves.

Lastly, perhaps you can suggest that your mother visit an estate planning attorney and an elder care attorney for advice on how to proceed without depending on her children.

If you have the resources to outsource her care....then that is fine. Still, most people do not have the spare cash to outsource parental care and if they do not live locally, airfare can break them financially.

Do not feel guilty. You are not your mother's slave.

Your brother is right, too. Your mom can call 911, if she is alone and needs help, that is why she pays taxes and that is what 911 is there for.
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TouchMatters Dec 2020
It is easy to say "do not feel guilty".
It is a process a person must go through to get through.
And, I doubt 'the mother' will understand. She might in time however, with her expectations, she may be shocked, stunned, angry, frightened 'first'.
Otherwise, I agree with your post 110%.
Perhaps some of the strength for the daughter could come from the son who knows how to set his limits and boundaries. A talk with him might help. Even asking "how do you do it? and why?"
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lealonnie, I just read your reply today about being reunited with our loved ones. I feel better already. Having a bit of a sad day today. Thanks again
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Me too! I feel the same way. No advice or judgements. Sending a big hug. Listen to your conscience and accept that you are only human. Sometimes decisions are made based on the elderly persons falling or falling out of bed when the family is not around.
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TouchMatters Dec 2020
Judgment is without an e. I'm not judging you.
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Some of the responses, it's heartbreaking to read that some think they can turn their back on another that was there for them. I hope those folks get nothing of an inheritance, certainly don't merit that as a beneficiary for not stepping up into the moment. Maybe they do/don't care about that. I see what my parents did to live as long as they did, to be there. What value does one even begin to place on that ? I know both parents expressed a concern at the end for the well being for the family they created and raised. They sacrificed along the way, their own health & what they could have done. In case anyone noticed, the financial & investment of effort takes it's toll. FCOL, they perpetuated the human race & that should be acknowledged.

In my own situation, I found out real fast when the caregiver role ended, how some as surviving (for lack of a better term) family felt about me. I mean we all were getting whatever we were getting as an inherited portion of any estate left over from it all. I certianly could have said "No" to it. The 2 years, I had with Dad & dog, I have those memories, nobody else will because they opted out. At a certain point into it, I couldn't just turn my back & walk away from either of them. It's really what your character is about. All of this other stuff, will be left on this side of the life & after-life experience any way. I can see why this world really is where it is. The reward(s) truly are on the other side. Just remember eternity is a lot longer than even the as much as +/-century anyone gets on this side. If you don't believe in something higher, you will if you ever are caregiver and there at the last moments of who you cared for. There are a lot of things that happen if you're paying attention,

At the end we had home healthcare for the final 5 days, anyone they sent over for a shift, they observe what anyone would call the "supernatural" for lack of a better term for that. I lived with them, so I stayed there, I asked others to join me there in the final days, nobody would take that offer up just the same. So they missed out on it, not me though, greatest event I ever was able to witness. We all have an aura, call me crazy or insane all you want, but what I witnessed was that release of energy back into the universe, you're either there to witness it or you miss it. I cemetery visit periodically, prior to that need the dreams come back of a lifetime of memories as cherished events. I come away with a rejuvenation from those visits. I regret moving even as far away as I have, the 1st year post mortem, I had the luxury of riding a bike there, now it's a 3 hour round trip. I'm also the only one to have shovelled dirt, buried their dog with both parents. To the day I pass, I won't regret not moving on. Where I live now, I have my own cemetery of sorts, I was able to keep enough ashe residue from the plastic bags to ceremonially create that memorial for myself. That much is worth more than any worldly possession anyone ever received. If you survived 2020 to this point, I've survived hurricanes, life events themselves. All of it is really insignificant in the grand scheme of being there at the end. My parents passed before COVID, those that lost in this COVID era have something similar that I will never know of in that. We all are given a time frame that may or may not mean anything to another. That time is your frame of reference of life with loved ones. Take that and cherish it for eternity. The moment you cross over, you may meet up with them or not. In that moment, you may spend eternity with or without them. I truly believe we are reunited, that is if anyone is worthy of that reunited event. The rules change on that side, there is no disease, no man-made financial hardships, you're either worthy or you aren't, aura & character.
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lealonnie1 Dec 2020
We are ALL worthy of an afterlife Jimbo, and we will ALL have one and be reunited with our loved ones. Please! Don't make it sound like only certain people "Of character and aura" will be entitled!! It's these kinds of comments that are most hurtful to people ALREADY hurting when they post here, seeking help.

And by the way....."perpetuating the human race" = having unprotected sex. Which doesn't entitle those two people to lifelong care by the offspring produced. It's a CHOICE to have children and a requirement by the parents to care for them, and a CHOICE to do caregiving for elders.
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I opted out of caregiving for my ILs myself after the MIL threw a tantrum at me.

That day I had broken up a phone fight between my SO and his brother's wife about whether he, SO, should volunteer to do her daytime shift on top of his nighttime shift. This was the first time I went along to one of the nighttime shifts and I mentioned the fight to the FMIL: She's working 70 plus hours and he's working 120 plus here, wouldn't it be good if they both got a break?

Her response? First the crying, then telling me that she had paid for his car insurance and threatening to bring out her checkbook so I could personally see, then banishing me upstairs to my room, a la Handmaid's Tale.

That's only part of it but it solidified my decision. If he wanted to elect to be paid nothing and live there full time versus getting a real job with real benefits, I told him there'd be no point in him living with me.

His parents are literal 1 percenters. They have two boys. The Brother's Wife is now employed there at 50 hours and has taken the role on as manager. I can't stand Brother's Wife and will not work, let alone volunteer underneath her, for one minute. SO probably dislikes her more.

He's on the verge of getting a job now. A real good one. But every day the calls from Mommy and Brother's Wife continue.
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Tree, moving away to live your own life is not selfish.

I was raised in a city that I refused to raise children in, so I moved away. It is after all my life and my choice where I want to live my life.

My step children moved to Tennessee, we honor the fact that they CHOOSE to live their lives in a different city then they were raised.

We don't think for one minute that they are selfish but, we would be VERY SELFISH to lay a guilt trip on them because we don't want to have strangers in our home or move to a facility. Our choices don't obligate them to servitude and neither does your moms.
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Heather10 Dec 2020
Isthisreallyreal:

Excellent post, and you sound like an excellent caring generous mother.

I, too, do not expect my children to care for me.

I want to give them wings to fly. That includes encouraging them to relocate far from me, if that is what they wish and they find another area that attracts them.

I have planned carefully for my geezerhood. IMO, every caring parent should do that as a final gift to their children.

I have also set aside money for an inheritance in equal amounts to all. This money is set up in a way that it will be protected from any money I spend on my elder care.

I am the parent, and a parents role is to take care of the children and give them the guidance to be able to fend for themselves.

Parenting does not end when the child becomes an adult, IMO.

To lay a guilt trip on children is selfish.

I chose to have children, knowing that a mother is suppose to take care of their children.

My children did not choose me and should not be burdened with the need to be my caregiver.
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I have a family member who I believe expected me to be her caregiver. My relationship with her was a gut-wrenching cycle of abuse and attempts at isolation (fueled by mental illness), but I believe I was being groomed to be her one and only caregiver and her ticket to avoiding a nursing home. Her biggest fear was a nursing home AND I likely was one of the few people she knew who even had the capability to provide any care. As someone else stated, once she figured out that I would not be caring for her she dropped out of my life as I had no other value to her. Fine with me and I'm beginning to do better and I'm getting some perspective on what happened with my relationship with her. When I was in it, I really didn't see the forest for the trees - controlling people count on this being the case!! She never flat out asked me to be her caregiver. I believe she feared my honest answer and decided to continue grooming. I think she thought she would just wear me down and isolate me from others such that the only relationship I had was with her. She dropped lots of hints (often very angrily/aggressively) that she was expecting care and did not want a nursing home. I never agreed to anything, but she probably believes that I did. Difficult relationships make it even tougher to have difficult conversations, so I never did "refuse" to provide her care as she aged - I just never agreed. I stayed in the loop because I figured it was the right thing to do at that time. I still worry that I'll get the call one day that she's hospitalized or at the police station. At this point, it's a lot more legit that I would not even know the first thing about how to care for her. Assumptions are dangerous. I think she thought I was beaten down enough by her that I was eating out of her hand. Never assume what others will do. Even if someone promised care, there's no way to know if they will actually provide the care or be able to do so.
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Heather10 Dec 2020
Sorry you had to deal with an abusive parent, mysteryshopper.

You hit the nail on the head when you said once she realized you would not be her caretaker, she cut you off.

That is typical of an abusive parent.

To an abusive parent, the groomed child is simply "emotional supply". Once they no longer play along with the abuser, the abuser cuts them off.
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Your have a lot of answers here, all agreeing that you do NOT have to take on the role of care-giver. Your mother sounds like she is still mentally competent so this is the time to make a plan. Your brother and step-sister should be happy to take part in this planning, because it will get them off the hook too.
This site has info about finding care and making a care plan. POA can't wait, get that soon. One person answered with wonderful, gentle ways to get the conversation started. (Sorry, I don't recall who). Lovingly offering to help develop a plan together, in her best interest, may open her mind to the idea. Wanting the best for both of you, needing to be sure all her needs are met, doing what is in everyone's best interest, etc. Caring for her husband with Alzheimer's should be an eye-ooener for what kind of a commitment it is.
Best of luck to you.
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A lot of people judge on here but we arent called to be judge. I will give my story though. I used to be Director in hospital and stayed home with kids. Later economy was bad and nobody wanted a 50 year old woman. Saw ad for CNA and thought I could do that. Got activity license and kitchen license. I.have degrees from Purdue. Thought God sure loved my mom and husband, both disabled. My mom was in 4 facilities and none of them took care of her. She had bruies, falls, UTI' s, falls, dehydration. I spent so much time going back and forth spending all that money. She was going on medicaid and seeimg the place would do nothing for a leg brace or eyes or uti I brought her home. In 1 year husband goes on medicare after waiting 2 years. I will buy from market which is expensive but I cant leave my Mom. I was in hospital twice with sepsis and almost died. Left 2nd time after 7 days and found cat sick. Never had anyone to take care of me. 2 people and several animals to take care of. Didnt see how we could live on 50 percent pay on husband loosing job and gettimg disability. Accountants said we paid insurance premiums after tax so amount isn't taxed. We have more than 100 percent net. God provides. I also get paid through his LTC insurance to care for him. I dont get insurance but the extra is going in savings for my retirement. Is it easy? No. Mom.with Alzheimer's and husband with parkinsons dementia but it is what it is and by the grace of God He abundantly supplies. My time is coming. I am.going to write another book and move in 2022 where I will have more support and new job. God doesnt waste anything. Right now I need time to pack and paint. Not everyone is meant to be a caregiver but I am amazed at how God can use everythimg we go through and turn it for our good just like Joseph.
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Treecrout: I did see your update about 30 minutes ago. You are going to require respite, else you fall faint and ill. Prayers sent.
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Update: my mom was taken to the hospital last Sunday and treated for what turned out to be a sever kidney infection. She came home on Tuesday. I have been working hard and was able to work with the social worker at the hospital secure home healthcare as a follow up to the recent hospitalization. It’s been like a second job getting things going, but I hope it will make a difference. I was able to get a nurse to visit for a few weeks, as well as a physical therapist and occupational therapist. I even managed to get a doctor to do a follow up at her home and manage her care during this recovery period.

I am extremely exhausted and stressed out from trying to manage it all, to be honest. This makes me even more aware of the fact that I am not cut out to do this 24/7, even if I wanted to. I have been feeling tremendous guilt over my feelings and to be honest have found myself crying on my kitchen floor more than once from being so overwhelmed. And this is just dealing with one hospitalization. I see what others on this forum deal with and I have so little confidence that I can do it.

the thing I am struggling with now is really what happens from here. She is extremely fatigued, but my hope is that this is just a side effect of everything she has been through in the past week. My hope is that she will get better so I can have these conversations about the future with her.

Despite what some may think, I do love her very much. I am trying to find balance and feel like I am fighting for our separate lives: fighting for her to be healthy and independent and fighting to keep the life I have worked to build for myself.

My confidence and self esteem have taken a real hit lately. I am so grateful to everyone for your thoughtful comments and advice. It really helps. I appreciate you all so much.
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ExhaustedPiper Dec 2020
You have done an amazing job, and now you need to take care of yourself.

As tough as this has been I'm glad it gave you some clarity as to what you can and can not do.

I don't question the love you have for your mom for one second! You can be her advocate while also letting the professionals take on a bigger role, and eventually placement when she needs 24/7 care.

Keep coming here for support, ideas and to vent. You are not alone!

Sending you a huge hug!
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You have as much right to say no as she does. Resoundingly NO!

Of course the conversation will be difficult, of course she will guilt trip you, of course she will throw everything that she has ever done for you in your face, however, that doesn't change the FACT that you are not willing to be her solution.

I had to tell my mom that she can expect anything she wants to but, I will not be doing any hands on care. I will advocate for her, I will make sure that she has the care she needs but, I won't fight her. If she says no in home help I say, okay, I am not now responsible to do it for you because you refuse anyone else. Many tears, lots of accusations and general heartache but, I am not her solution and I never waiver. You have to take any hope that she can wear you down away from her, period. If she thinks that you might cave in she will be relentless and make you crazy.

I would approach it from the conversation you over heard. "Hey mom, I heard you speaking with...and I just wanted to clarify that I am not going to be taking you in. So I think that we should discuss what you want. Keeping in mind that you moving into my home or me moving here isn't going to happen. As much as I love you I am just not capable of taking on that role. So what is your plan in the event that you can't continue to live alone?" Put it on her to come up with an alternative and stand your ground, you deserve to do as you choose as far as being a caregiver for her and no amount of drama from her changes that.

Best of luck. It is a rotten position to be put in by our parents. I personally think it is selfish to even think that you can move in on your adult children without their agreement.
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lkdrymom Dec 2020
I like the line "I am not her solution".
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Some people live a very long time!

The parents are miserable for living so long in misery.

The children are miserable caring for miserable parents.

So who wins? No one!

Just curious, I wonder how many of our parents took care of their parents?

My parents did not care for their parents so they had no clue how hard it was to be a caregiver.

I think adult children should be more concerned with their own future rather than focusing on their parents care.

This has nothing to do with love. Love does not mean that children must care more about their parents than they do themselves.

If a child chooses to be a martyr for a parent that is their business but they should not feel that their choice is right for everyone.

Have you noticed that people who preach this nonsense do not have anyone living in their own home and if you ask them why not they always have an excuse! Unless they offer to care for your loved one, they need to keep their mouth shut!

Caregiving is an individual choice and no one else’s business but your own. No need to defend or explain to others.
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Call Adult Protective Services and and say your mother needs help. when you get a assigned worker state "the above" info. Tell the worker you may need to be there for him or her to get into the house. Remember let the person do the evaluation and you only talk when asked to say something.
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Hi there, no need to feel sad or guilty. Best for you to set limits now or be unhappy with yourself later. Mom needs to know this can't be expected, it's optional from you...those who need help don't get to dictate terms, although I experienced it in my life and have seen other people locked in this way. Once you say "these are the limits" you have established independence and gained respect. And if, for some reason, this causes friction, than the person you perhaps obsessed in pleasing isn't worth it. Your Mom should also express gratitude. I had a similar family situation in which three people came from two hours away to help an 87-year-old and the person who lived 15 minutes away moved out. This drains people more than they realize and you will never get all the gratitude you are due anyway, so tell Mom ...."this is what I can and am willing to do." Her response will tell you volumes, one way or the other. Good luck. Take care of YOU first.
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I have to agree with her some. My kids, especially my daughter knows she will be the one caring for me. My one son will do a lot but my daughter will be my caretaker. She knows it and was brought up knowing it. Her husband knows it. That is what family is for. I took care of my mom, she has passed and now I take care of my dad and these are adopted parents. It is hard but if your relationship is strong it will work out. No one can ruin your marriage unless you let it.
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FloridaDD Dec 2020
oh please.   You can bring up your DD thinking that only DDs do the hard work, but she can say no.   I hope you does.
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I have to agree with her some. My kids, especially my daughter knows she will be the one caring for me. My one son will do a lot but my daughter will be my caretaker. She knows it and was brought up knowing it. Her husband knows it. That is what family is for. I took care of my mom, she has passed and now I take care of my dad and these are adopted parents. It is hard but if your relationship is strong it will work out. No one can ruin your marriage unless you let it.
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PeggySue2020 Dec 2020
You brought a child into this world without it being her choice. And now you think it's not her choice, her husband and any children they may have to live a life independent of you. It's clear in your wording "she knows it and was brought up knowing it, her husband knows it" that you don't really care what she thinks.

It's not what family is for, to bring them into the world as defacto caretakers. Not at all.
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Perhaps that's why your brother who lives15 min away doesn't help. More than likely he is the one who has made suggestions to her about getting some help and he's tired of being told no. He just figured that she'll need to suffer for a while till she swallows her pride and accepts help. Just because you are the girl doesn't require you to do what mommy wants. Simply tell her how it's going to be, like it or not. Once you tell her no a few times, eventually she'll get desperate enough to get help. Quit enabling her. Please learn from my mistake and once my friend woke me up to quit trying to please mommy, the better off I was and most importantly, the better off she was as well. Good luck to you!!!
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Just a perspective, as babies, they carried us thru years of life. The 2 years I gave as caregiver I did the best I could to carry a 96 year old, baby as his health declined. Whatever he could do on his own, I gave him the lattitude of that self sufficiency. Nobody wants to be a burden. And at hte end he was only concerned that he rest of his family, all of us, were going to be OK. Almost like he was asking permission to opt out at that point ? Or that if there was even just one more thing he could do, that he was there for us like he had always been.

If you have the luxury as a 24/7 caregiver, that's just paying it forward. Everyone does what they can. I slept light to hope to catch anything before it was a catastrophic event. Did that for Mom & Dad's dog too, the dog was family too.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2020
No doubt, you have love in your heart without harsh judgment of those who choose not to do the ‘hands on’ caregiving. You honored your parents beautifully and did not say anything to infer that others should feel guilty.

You’re an animal lover to boot!

I found your posting quite refreshing. Thanks for your perspective. Others can learn lessons from your perspective.

Many hugs for you! 💗
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Please set your boundaries now before you get roped in because of guilt. You owe her nothing - especially giving up your own life to be her caretaker. She has options and she best understand this now. My mother has been here by me for 9 yrs now. She forced her way in because I was weak at the time due to my dad having just gone into a nursing home and my beautiful sister dying of a brain tumor after 11 months of diagnosis. So my mother took advantage of my frailty at the time and forced a move near my husband and me. She was 85 yrs old at the time. Now she is 94! You must consider the fact that this could work out to a longevity factor. If I had to do it all over again, I would have insisted she take a year to think about things (and me too), before we arrived at any decisions. My health has suffered terribly and there were times I didn’t think I would be here to continue caring for her. I pulled back, set up boundaries and am fully prepared to send her to a NH or a hospice facility if her health gets to the point where she can’t manage on her own anymore. She is in end-stage chf, but she’s been at a certain end-stage for over a year! I took back control of my life 4 yrs ago. It was 5 years of complete and utter misery before that. (For both of us I might add). We were always like oil and water and we still are. Give her options to make a decision for herself, so she is in control of her own destiny.
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I am shocked sometimes how selfish people are these days! Your brother was extremely cruel to say he would not take her to the hospital when she was ill. Family is supposed to BE FAMILY! Your mom understood that when she cared for her mother. Sometimes it is not all about you! Sometimes you need to help others too. I understand you may not always be able to help. Be honest with your mother ...but NEVER cruel! You may think these facilities that care for our elderly are all wonderful. I can tell you for a fact that they are NOT! Why do you think people do not last long after being placed in one. It is good to try to find in home care, but be careful there too. I wish you all the best and pray your mother and her husband will improve.
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lkdrymom Dec 2020
You have no right to condemn the brother. You have no idea how many times he did come to her rescue. Eventually it becomes too much. I know with my father it was never enough. No matter how much you did he always needed more.

I lost count of the hours I spent in the ER with my father over FRIVILOUS things! You have no idea how much of my life I lost appeasing him. And then I JUST HAD ENOUGH!!! I couldn't do it anymore. I just stopped. No more sitting with him in the ER over nothing. Maybe I'd give him a ride to the ER if I was in the area but I was not going in. And he better have cab fare to get home because I did not live in the area. I was so tired of trying to fix things for him because there was always something else needing fixing (in his mind). There is a point where they ask too much and there is no shame is saying it is more than I can give.
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Hello, I had the same issue and I flew in found the very best home care provider, ask hospice who they recommend in her town? They know who is good. I said I was paying and he needed to meet the owner. He did and then the ball was rolling met the caretaker and it was a natural flow. I said either you hire someone after he met them or I cannot leave you. I have responsibilities too. Then promise to go back once a month or whatever makes sense. Good luck
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Doing nothing only makes it worse.
Moving her in with you CLEARLY SETS THE EXPECTATION YOU WILL CARE FOR HER.
Sit down with her have a very clear and frank discussion. Have your spouse and or sibling there with you when you have this conversation. Do not have it with her alone or she WILL deny the conversation ever happened. Have a plan be ready when you have this discussion or be prepared to help her map out the alternative plan
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There is no point in having that conversation until it is absolutely necessary.  Why strain the relationship when you have no idea what is going to happen.  She could have a stroke tomorrow or require an amputation due to her uncontrolled diabetes.  If those things happened she would have to be in a long term care facility of some sort that has the equipment and manpower to handle someone with those issues.  Let her say whatever she wants right now and only deal with it when you absolutely have to.  You have already talked to her and she is unwilling to consider alternatives. 

Your mom made the choice to take her mother in.  That is on her and in no way obligates you.  You have a choice too and if you choose not to be a martyr, do not feel guilty.  You are entitled to a life and you can love your mom and assist your mom without running yourself into the ground and making yourself miserable.   When the time comes you can help her move and find a nice facility to go to...it can even be closer to you if you or her would want that, so that you can visit with more frequency.

Do not move her in...you will regret it and be miserable.
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Personally I do not expect or want my daughter to take care of me. I’m planning for my long term care. I raised her to have a beautiful life on her terms.
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