So my mother-in-law moved in in Dec. She is demanding, bossy. Expects all meals to be served to her and snacks. She walks, talks and can do things on her own but refuses to. She says that she deserves to be waited on because she worked so many years and is old. She is 86. Living with me has caused me a lot of stress. My husband is gone all week and only comes home on the weekends. I try to talk to him about my feelings and some of the stuff his mom has done or says. For instance, I said to him, If I leave for 30 mins to get coffee down the road and she says, Where were you? Why did it take so long? He says, she probably thinks you’re cheating on me! What!
When I try to talk to him anything about his mom good or bad he tells me Stop I don’t want to hear it! He spends no time with her and doesn’t call her during the week as he promised. He also promised to take her out to breakfast and shopping on Sunday so I can have some time to myself .
I am at my wits' ends! I have had enough! He will not get anyone to help and he does nothing to help. I feel as if I am in jail.
Anyway, it was on the understanding that you would be there during the week, and then on Sundays DH would take her out and you would have the day off. And that isn't happening. And during the week you are beset from dawn to dusk with her demands.
So here we are, halfway through April, four months in to her living with you and a very convenient and appropriate time for a review of MIL's care plan.
She is 87, we don't know anything about her health, but it sounds at least fair to middling and she - may she live forever - could be with us for at least ten years.
Not today perhaps, but next Sunday which is DH's designated Mother time anyway, make a nice breakfast for all three of you, smile sweetly and explain to DH that discussion is not optional. It is happening NOW.
What are the options? Write them down and have them ready to talk about.
And book yourself a week away and go. Let him figure out what to do for her.
Also, have a bag packed. The second your husband walks in on Friday, you go out the door. Go anywhere.
If she has financial resources, why is she living with you?
It is your home and your life that are impacted.
Please talk to your husband about counselling to deal with his mom... or a lawyer to discuss options to getting his mother re-homed.
My MIL just turned 100. This could go on for quite a while and it could get worse as your MIL ages and requires more care.
If I were you, I would tell my husband this: You are going to be hiring help for your mom. You can do it while I am here or after I leave, but you will be doing it.
Make your point strongly: If it's a waitress and a nursemaid that she wants, give her & your hubby a detailed invoice every week for services provided, because you do not owe her. Not sure what the going rate is, but make sure you use it. Make taking care of her your full-time job, and by that I mean stop vacuuming, dusting, doing your other expected chores. This arrangement is costing you dearly: you should be compensated fairly, and the cost should be shared fairly.
Before moving in his mother, most likely he wasn't coming home routinely either.
If you have been suspicious about him spending so much time away, and have been on him constantly about it, He moved his mother in to give you something to do and deflect and distract other then questioning him.
He is living the life of a single man.
If he is the primary financial provider of the household that makes it so that you don't have to work an outside job,
Find a way to deal with his mother.
Talk to him, If things don't change,
You can always divorce and leave.
You don't have to put up with anything that you don't want to.
You're not in a worthy marriage anyways. You don't have a partner, you have an acquaintance who visits and calls from time to time.
If he wanted a marriage, he should have found a different job that would allow him to be more attentive and allow him more time to be a partner towards you, and a son to his mother.
You are accustomed to a certain life and lifestyle if you don't work.
He put his mother on you to give you something to do.
I feel I’ve been used and taken advantage of with empty promises, no action, and not wanting to hear about the awful day-to-day functions to include cleaning up her feces …. I am a glorified housemaid and after 2 years of 24/7 care; I rage inside when time to bring her a meal/tray and she doesn’t even bother to grab it; I have to lay it in her lap and put her towel aka bib under her chin and open her Diet Coke - it’s degrading and infuriating!!!
”do we have any more coffee” she says…. Yeah get up and get it yourself this isn’t a diner (if my bubble ever bursts may God have mercy on my soul…
anywho…
Please know - I don’t share to grab spotlight… I share because I want you to know you’re not alone and that by your sharing your situation; it helped me in that “I’m” not alone in how I feel either
I could go on further - especially the message regarding self respect and getting out- while I don’t fully know your situation- I feel we should listen for our own well being
May God Smile upon us both
posted. I have no respect for the elderly and I should put up with my fathers narcissistic behaviour in silence and not talk back or react to him, who has now lived with us for 18 months. Unfortunately I also have family members who will do nothing except when they want something in
return. No help, nothing. A big bullet dodged. I can’t give you any advice only I emphasise with you.
Several ways to address this:
1) Husband hires a full time caretaker.
2) Husband takes care of his mother, full time, not you.
3) You find a job, gather some money together, and leave, or she is placed in a home.
He can pick one, set your boundaries and stick to them, time to stand up and be counted. Good Luck!