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I will try this again. I do everything. I have had 2 strokes. I am stressed out. I have uncontrollable h/p. He is verbally abuse almost daily. His favorite thing to say is, "F you." I can go in to more detail, but won't at this time. I need help!
I would call and report him to APS. Let them know you can't take the abuse any longer. Talk with a social worker about how this is affecting your health. Sixty years old and refusing to do anything.
So, he refuses to do anything all day. He pees in a bucket and has a bowel movement on a towel. He needs an intevention. This is not sane behavior.
You need to love yourself enough to make the decision to leave.
Your funds are probably comingled, but a good divorce lawyer can get them smoothed out and you can walk. You do not need to impoverish yourself in order to get well.
Do you have a friend who would take you in for a little bit while you transition out? Even a longterm stay hotel? Having only yourself to care for will probably be the best thing that can happen to you. He's beaten you down to nothing, and he's not changing. Since you continue to support his illnesses and laziness, he will continue to act just like he's acting now.
If you are the one to file for separation-some people think that you won't get any financial suport. That's not true. Spend the money to get a one hour consult with a lawyer. And do NOT go back to the house to do one single thing for him.
Splitting all your assets will hopefully leave you with an income that can support one person in comfort. You just need peace and quiet and nobody in your life telling you to F-off. If my DH ever said that to me, I'd walk.
Your health issues are a signal from your brain to your body that this isn't healthy, happy or sane to stay.
If you lived near me, I'd come swoop you up and have you stay with me for a while until you had gotten your ducks in a row.
Honey--a man who pees in a bucket and poops on a towel and screams at people all day is NOT IN HIS RIGHT MIND. The 'law' is behind YOU.
APS would walk into that mess and hopefully walk him right out.
Please care enough about yourself to take care of yourself!!
I think your smart to file for separation and leave. And when you leave you call Adult Protection Services and report a vulnerable adult that because of your health problems you cannot care for. That you have tried everything and have gotten no help.
budbud2006... IF he is his right mind there is nothing you can do.... That is true but you can not tell me that a 60 year old that stays in bed all day, pees in a bucket and sh**s on a towel is in his right mind. He is mentally ill and he needs medical help. If he refuses help, refuses to go to a doctor you are not obligated to remain in that unhealthy situation. If you have to, a Women's Shelter will help if you need a place to stay.
60 is young for staying in bed all day! I'm almost that same age, I work full time, have a puppy and am very active. He may have depression he needs to see a doctor ASAP. If he doesn't want to then tell him that his prescriptions will not be refilled if he doesn't. Inform the doctor what is going on before the appointment. He also needs blood work done and be tested for a UTI. This is all suggestions from my experience.
Any time abuse is involved - and this is abuse - you need to put distance between you and your abuser. How you do that is up to you.
You can kick him out. Yes, that's a possibility. Unfortunately most women who have this thought think, "OMG, I can't do that becasue what would he do? Where would he live? Who would take care of him?" This is because we've been brainwashed to think that we must take care of everyone. But you know what? He'd be just fine without you to empty his urinal. He can either do it himself or find someone else to do it. That person doesn't have to be you. Nowhere in the marriage vows did you say that you'd empty his urinal and agree to be called vile names.
You can leave. "But what would I do? I have nowhere to go!" Yup, that's the usual thought. You may have relatives from whom you can rent a room. You may be able to get your own house or apartment, depending on your circumstances. You may have a friend who would welcome sharing a house - there are people looking for roommates with the cost of everything rising, There are shelters for abused women, and I recommend that you call a hotline for abused women so they can advise you of such places near you. You should have the phone numbers of several such organizations on speed dial on your phone. Do that right now.
I'd vote for kicking him out. Then it's up to him to take further steps in one way or the other.
Whatever you do, have no contact with him at all afterward. Your health will become better, I'm sure of that. Good luck in getting rid of this creep. He doesn't deserve you.
IMO all your ailments may improve by divorcing him. Stress contributes to most of your problems. Blood pressure, strokes, anxiety, PTSD. Stress is not good for diabetics raises the sugar.
I would go to a divorce lawyer and find out what your options are. But divorce is the way I would go. Thats the only way you can break free from him. I think your health will improve.
JoANN I have tried talking to the doctors, that was a waste of time. I live in the state of VA. Found out yesterday, that as long as he in his right mind there is nothing I can do. Let me tell you he has Fecal Incontinence. He will not use diaper, He sleeps on a trowel, I will not wash his clothes. This goes on and on. He has so many mental problems. His is by polar, his grandfather was his father. Won't let anyone in the house. He won't go to a doctor I have so much more I could all you. I am checking out fileing for separation agreement, I know he is going to fight me on this. I don't have any family here that will help. With me having 2 strokes my spelling is not good at all. I am sorry for this . I
If your husband at this early age suffers from early onset dementia, then it's likely time for placement, as you say. If your husband is just a mean man, then it's time for a divorce. If this is the case I hope you have support of family and friends, and I suggest you see an attorney before you let your husband know anything, as you will need to protect any financial assets. I am so sorry. I have read your description of your life you posted to us when you registered with Forum. It tells a lot about what you have gone through, but nothing of hubby's diagnosis. Knowing what that is will help us. What is his diagnosis?
Hi, yes he is mean and hateful man. He speaks his mind and doesn't care what comes out of his mouth, He is 450 pounds 5 10. he has A-FIB H/P ACID REFLUX, on oxygen 3liters , mental issuals, I am sorry but with the two stokes my spelling if so bad, Won't go to the doctor unless he needs a refill. He has Fecal Incontinence too. Will only use a towel. I will not wash is towels. He won't clean his room. it stinks. The last time I clean it, it took me 2 days. I will not clean it. I don't have any family here that will help me
I am caring for my husband john, who is 59 years old, living at home with anxiety, depression, hearing loss, mobility problems, and sleep disorder. He is on 3 litlers of 02, a- fib, an among other things. ALLHE DOES ALL DAY LONG IS STAY IN THE BED, HE D0ES ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ALL DAY. THE ONLY TIME HE GETS UP ISTO EAT. HE PEES IN A BUCKET, I HAVE TO DO EVERTHINGI I AM TIRED. HIS ROOM SMELLS, HE WON'T CLEAN IT. And I AM NOT GOING TO CLEAN HIS ROOM. HE MENTALLY ABUSES ME, HE HAS A VERY FIFTHY MOUTH.HIS FAVORITE WORD IF F WORD. HE DOES NOT GO OUT OF THE HOUSE. I HAVE TO GET HIS MEDICINE FOR HIM see less
And about herself: OK I WILL BE 65 IN MarcH I HAVE HAD TWO STROKES, I HAVE PTSD, ANXIETY, DEPRESSION, MY BLOOD PRESSUREIS NOT CONTROLLED. DIABETES, HIGH CHOLRSTEROL, INCONTINENCE, SLEEP APNEA, THROID, RLS, and Event Recorder, Cardiac (Implantable), I am sorry I can't keep doing this.
They're both too young for their health conditions to be strictly age-related, not that that makes things any better for either of them. But I think their issues probably go back too far and are too complicated for us to suggest anything useful.
Budbud, who else is there in your healthcare or family network?
budbud, I read your husband's profile [it shows up when one places the arrow over the word husband] and it says anxiety, depression, hearing loss, mobility problems, and sleep disorder.
Please note, none of those health issues would be a reason to be accepted by a nursing home. Maybe Assisted Living if your husband can afford the monthly rent to live in a senior facility.
How long have you been doing things for your husband that he should be doing for himself? You need to make a list of everything, and I mean everything, that you do for your husband. Now cross off half of the items. Now cross off a couple more things. Stick to that new list. If hubby complains, that's his problem not yours.
You do not want to be doing everything for him for the next 20-30 years. In fact, what if something happens to you.... then what would hubby do?
funkygrandma59... Just as I do not use the ultimatum word often I am not one to use the divorce word often either. But I think in this case you are right. @Budbud2006... YOUR health is important. Your husband has mental health issues. If his doctor is not aware that he is staying in bed all day he or she should be made aware of that fact. Either he is not taking medication as prescribed, the dose or medication is not right or the doctor has not prescribed anything. In any case none of these scenarios is good. Talk to a divorce attorney. If you have a place to go go if you feel unsafe in your home although IF he EVER becomes violent or you are afraid that he may harm you call 911 immediately and tell the dispatcher that you are afraid for your safety. If there are any weapons in the house inform the dispatcher. To that if there are any weapons in the house PLEASE secure them. there are gun locks that you can get or a safe.
60 is VERY young to be staying in bed all day. He obviously has depression and perhaps other mental issues. You don't say whether your husband has any health issues or not, so not sure he would qualify to be put in a nursing home, but you definitely need a plan to be leaving this abusive situation. I would talk to a divorce lawyer ASAP, and get a plan in place to leave him, so you can just concentrate on you and your health. You do not and should not tolerate any kind of abuse from anyone.
Hard to know what to suggest as we don't know more of your backgrounds? For example, are you Medicaid eligible? Are either of you being treated for your mental health issues? Some psych meds may help with his attitude and also help with your depression/anxiety. Living with an abuser certainly doesn't help your mental or physical issues. Please contact your MD and his MD clarifying his status (if you are not his POS/health proxy) the docs may not be able to discuss his medical record with you. All this aside you need to extricate yourself from this situation. You both need care since you are unable to care for yourselves. Can your doctor "prescribe" at least a home health aide for you? Can you afford assisted living or nursing home care?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
So, he refuses to do anything all day. He pees in a bucket and has a bowel movement on a towel. He needs an intevention. This is not sane behavior.
You need to love yourself enough to make the decision to leave.
Your funds are probably comingled, but a good divorce lawyer can get them smoothed out and you can walk. You do not need to impoverish yourself in order to get well.
Do you have a friend who would take you in for a little bit while you transition out? Even a longterm stay hotel? Having only yourself to care for will probably be the best thing that can happen to you. He's beaten you down to nothing, and he's not changing. Since you continue to support his illnesses and laziness, he will continue to act just like he's acting now.
If you are the one to file for separation-some people think that you won't get any financial suport. That's not true. Spend the money to get a one hour consult with a lawyer. And do NOT go back to the house to do one single thing for him.
Splitting all your assets will hopefully leave you with an income that can support one person in comfort. You just need peace and quiet and nobody in your life telling you to F-off. If my DH ever said that to me, I'd walk.
Your health issues are a signal from your brain to your body that this isn't healthy, happy or sane to stay.
If you lived near me, I'd come swoop you up and have you stay with me for a while until you had gotten your ducks in a row.
Honey--a man who pees in a bucket and poops on a towel and screams at people all day is NOT IN HIS RIGHT MIND. The 'law' is behind YOU.
APS would walk into that mess and hopefully walk him right out.
Please care enough about yourself to take care of yourself!!
I think your smart to file for separation and leave. And when you leave you call Adult Protection Services and report a vulnerable adult that because of your health problems you cannot care for. That you have tried everything and have gotten no help.
IF he is his right mind there is nothing you can do....
That is true but you can not tell me that a 60 year old that stays in bed all day, pees in a bucket and sh**s on a towel is in his right mind.
He is mentally ill and he needs medical help.
If he refuses help, refuses to go to a doctor you are not obligated to remain in that unhealthy situation. If you have to, a Women's Shelter will help if you need a place to stay.
You can kick him out. Yes, that's a possibility. Unfortunately most women who have this thought think, "OMG, I can't do that becasue what would he do? Where would he live? Who would take care of him?" This is because we've been brainwashed to think that we must take care of everyone. But you know what? He'd be just fine without you to empty his urinal. He can either do it himself or find someone else to do it. That person doesn't have to be you. Nowhere in the marriage vows did you say that you'd empty his urinal and agree to be called vile names.
You can leave. "But what would I do? I have nowhere to go!" Yup, that's the usual thought. You may have relatives from whom you can rent a room. You may be able to get your own house or apartment, depending on your circumstances. You may have a friend who would welcome sharing a house - there are people looking for roommates with the cost of everything rising, There are shelters for abused women, and I recommend that you call a hotline for abused women so they can advise you of such places near you. You should have the phone numbers of several such organizations on speed dial on your phone. Do that right now.
I'd vote for kicking him out. Then it's up to him to take further steps in one way or the other.
Whatever you do, have no contact with him at all afterward. Your health will become better, I'm sure of that. Good luck in getting rid of this creep. He doesn't deserve you.
I would go to a divorce lawyer and find out what your options are. But divorce is the way I would go. Thats the only way you can break free from him. I think your health will improve.
. I
If your husband is just a mean man, then it's time for a divorce. If this is the case I hope you have support of family and friends, and I suggest you see an attorney before you let your husband know anything, as you will need to protect any financial assets.
I am so sorry. I have read your description of your life you posted to us when you registered with Forum. It tells a lot about what you have gone through, but nothing of hubby's diagnosis. Knowing what that is will help us.
What is his diagnosis?
I am caring for my husband john, who is 59 years old, living at home with anxiety, depression, hearing loss, mobility problems, and sleep disorder. He is on 3 litlers of 02, a- fib, an among other things. ALLHE DOES ALL DAY LONG IS STAY IN THE BED, HE D0ES ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ALL DAY. THE ONLY TIME HE GETS UP ISTO EAT. HE PEES IN A BUCKET, I HAVE TO DO EVERTHINGI I AM TIRED. HIS ROOM SMELLS, HE WON'T CLEAN IT. And I AM NOT GOING TO CLEAN HIS ROOM. HE MENTALLY ABUSES ME, HE HAS A VERY FIFTHY MOUTH.HIS FAVORITE WORD IF F WORD. HE DOES NOT GO OUT OF THE HOUSE. I HAVE TO GET HIS MEDICINE FOR HIM see less
And about herself:
OK I WILL BE 65 IN MarcH I HAVE HAD TWO STROKES, I HAVE PTSD, ANXIETY, DEPRESSION, MY BLOOD PRESSUREIS NOT CONTROLLED. DIABETES, HIGH CHOLRSTEROL, INCONTINENCE, SLEEP APNEA, THROID, RLS, and Event Recorder, Cardiac (Implantable), I am sorry I can't keep doing this.
They're both too young for their health conditions to be strictly age-related, not that that makes things any better for either of them. But I think their issues probably go back too far and are too complicated for us to suggest anything useful.
Budbud, who else is there in your healthcare or family network?
Please note, none of those health issues would be a reason to be accepted by a nursing home. Maybe Assisted Living if your husband can afford the monthly rent to live in a senior facility.
How long have you been doing things for your husband that he should be doing for himself? You need to make a list of everything, and I mean everything, that you do for your husband. Now cross off half of the items. Now cross off a couple more things. Stick to that new list. If hubby complains, that's his problem not yours.
You do not want to be doing everything for him for the next 20-30 years. In fact, what if something happens to you.... then what would hubby do?
Just as I do not use the ultimatum word often I am not one to use the divorce word often either.
But I think in this case you are right.
@Budbud2006...
YOUR health is important.
Your husband has mental health issues. If his doctor is not aware that he is staying in bed all day he or she should be made aware of that fact. Either he is not taking medication as prescribed, the dose or medication is not right or the doctor has not prescribed anything. In any case none of these scenarios is good.
Talk to a divorce attorney.
If you have a place to go go if you feel unsafe in your home although IF he EVER becomes violent or you are afraid that he may harm you call 911 immediately and tell the dispatcher that you are afraid for your safety. If there are any weapons in the house inform the dispatcher.
To that if there are any weapons in the house PLEASE secure them. there are gun locks that you can get or a safe.
You don't say whether your husband has any health issues or not, so not sure he would qualify to be put in a nursing home, but you definitely need a plan to be leaving this abusive situation.
I would talk to a divorce lawyer ASAP, and get a plan in place to leave him, so you can just concentrate on you and your health.
You do not and should not tolerate any kind of abuse from anyone.