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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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This is highly individual, but you have tried the truth and it upsets him, so it may be time to start saying something to the effect that his mother is happy and, depending on your/his spiritual beliefs, you could say she is "with grandma and grandpa" or something of that kind.
Some would argue that you should just keep telling him she died, but I personally would try to find a way to tell him he "will see her again" or something, because I don't see the point in distressing him when he can't understand. He is reliving her death every time.
It's a decision you'll have to make. Know that whatever you decide, you are not alone. This is very common as Alzheimer's progresses, as people "go back in years." Many start asking for their parents. You've got lots of company in this agonizing choice.
How I approach it with my families and staff is many different ways. There is a technique you can use called a "therapeutic lie." What I mean by this is instead of bringing your loved one into your reality take yourself into their current reality. If they think it is 1940 in Oklahoma and a tornado is coming then that is where you are. The other way I phrase it to families and staff is to enter their reality where ever they may be. If your husband asks a question about his mom that leads you to believe that he thinks she is alive try redirection(diverting his attention to something else), reminiscing (asking memory type questions about his mom;for example: Tell me about the time you and your mom went to the baseball game together) or the therapuetic lie technique (For example: your mom is on vacation, at the store, things that his mom would have done while she was living. Always keep enter their reality where ever they may be in your mind and then you will not feel like you are lying to your loved one.
My mother does this. I tell her everybody is fine. She thinks her mother, dad, and my brother are still alive. They died years ago. My job is to keep her as calm and happy as possible in her condition. I have prayed about this. I agree with what she says. It is more humane. Her nerves are better and so are mine.
My mom and I have always been very close. There have been no lies between us. When we started this journey she told me never to lie. My mom is still pretty high functioning. She has short term memory loss, some long term memory loss and some confusion on occasion confined to the evening time. Occasionally when she is having a rough evening she will ask me tough questions. At first I would tell her the truth because that was her wish. Now I kind of gauge the circumstance and many times opt for the white lie. I have also become expert at redirecting her. I couldn't stand hurting her over and over again, so I shield her from the bad things when I can. Remember, this news is completely new to them and so the pain they experience is just as fierce as when it first happened. If it can be avoided, I say avoid hurting them. They have enough confusion and pain in their lives.
Yes, my father would ask me where's your momma ? I told him shes in heaven well it shocked him and he would go in depressions . So I decided from then on I would tell him she's sleeping and he would smile and say oh she must be tired, I said yes she's tired dad .. and it's good to see him smile rather than be all heartbroken. At another time I would just ask him where he thinks she is? He said oh she's probably at home resting. Yeah dad I think so too. Don't say she died, it would hurt him and he'll feel all alone ...
My Mom has dementia and is in assisted living. The last two times I was there, she kept asking about my brother who passed away many years ago and she thinks he is still a child. Yes, I lie to my mother and tell him that he is fine. (He passed 30 years ago) She seems settled with this answer. When I asked her once if she remembered him being in an auto accident, she said no he was not that it was someone else (total denial). So I did not say he was dead. I could not do that to her. I have prayed about this too by the way but it seems cruel to tell her this when she will cry and grieve in the shape Mom is in now. She also thinks her mother & father are alive too. They died in 1983 and 1995. So Mom is living in the past now. She is more comfortable there and I leave it at that. Bless you and I know this is hard.
Yes. Why make him relive that over and over. Each time as traumatic as the first. His mind is diseased. That is cruel to keep doing that. Just say she is sleeping. It's true. That is probably good enough. Then redirect.
Before I read anybody else's response, let me say "Yes", tell her a fib. Many caregivers encounter this situation. I'm lucky to still have both my parents, and they know their own parents are long-gone. But my Mom's sister died about 10 years ago, and when a family member reminded Mom of this, she started grieving all over again. Make up a story about where the lost loved one is: on vacation, a thousand miles away. Whatever. There's no reason to rekindle such grief, especially if memory is failing and you may be asked this same question many more times. Good luck.
My Mum suffers from Alzheimer’s disease and my Dad was her full time carer. He died unexpectedly last week (19/6/18). I am finding the kindest way to respond when she asks, where is Dad?...is to say...Dad has just gone away for a time to have a well earned rest because he was really tired from taking care of us all. When she asks where has he gone, I say....I’m not exactly sure at the moment, but what I do know is that he’s in very good hands and being well taken care of. When she asks when will he back, I tell her I’m not exactly sure, but what I do know is that we will all get to see him again one day, I’m just not sure when that day will be. She seems happy with this explanation. When she asks again, I go through this routine then redirect the conversation to another subject. It’s a difficult situation, I don’t want to shock or upset her by saying words like died, death, funeral. It feels kinder for both our hearts to deal with her questions this way.
I would tell my husband that his mother was in Ireland or other great place having a great time, that she called and has bought him a beautiful Irish sweater and would be home soon. This made my husband happy and he felt relieved. In time I would have his mother become a world traveler and happy as can be. She would always be home soon and would call and come over with some fabulous gift for him. She had been dead over thirty yeqrs.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Some would argue that you should just keep telling him she died, but I personally would try to find a way to tell him he "will see her again" or something, because I don't see the point in distressing him when he can't understand. He is reliving her death every time.
It's a decision you'll have to make. Know that whatever you decide, you are not alone. This is very common as Alzheimer's progresses, as people "go back in years." Many start asking for their parents. You've got lots of company in this agonizing choice.
Keep checking in. We know it's hard.
Carol
Don't say she died, it would hurt him and he'll feel all alone ...
Just say she is sleeping. It's true. That is probably good enough. Then redirect.
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