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If she is still in the hospital or has been discharged from the hospital to rehab, I’d really encourage you to use the time to get a needs assessment done on her while she’s there; ask the Social Worker as to getting one scheduled. Well worth the $. Then based on the assessment find a new place for her to move to once hospital stay / rehab is over.

So basically she does not return to the IL.

Yeah I know this sounds harsh, but with those false beliefs she has, and 1 bad fall (bet there were others she just didn’t tell you), her staying at IL is just 1 more big incident looming in the future. I’d also be concerned that she has rifts with her neighbors… if she has treated a neighbor as she has your wife, they will complain to management or to APS which would be even more problems. She needs some degree of 24/7 oversight. The needs assessment can shed light on what type of placement is best. I’ll bet it’s MC. If you can you want to just move her once… like from rehab to the new place. Don’t let her go back to the IL, it will be too dramarama to move her again a few weeks from now.

if mom should need to apply for LTC Medicaid to pay for a facility beyond what she currently pays for p IL, try to find out if your state pays for MC as well as NH. Not all states do. Majority only pay for skilled nursing care so care in a NH. If this is the situation, you kinda want that needs assessment and her health chart to show she’s “at need” for skilled nursing care. So no issue for her medical “at need” eligibility for Medicaid once she’s spent down her assets to be sufficiently impoverished & financially “at need” for Medicaid.

Perhaps your wife would be willing to help pack up AND jettison excess items of your moms from the IL? Could be therapeutic!
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So she lives NEAR, but not WITH you?
I caution you now, do not move her in, and even (especially) temporarily unless you intend to give up your marriage and quit work and take care of your Mother.
You mother will be some time in rehab.If after that time she is unable to do her own activities of daily living with what help she can afford to pay for herself, she needs placement in whatever facility her savings will allow her to access.
Who your mother is is not the question as she is aging, and whoever she is, that will be changing. Clearly she is already exhibiting signs of dementia with the ;phone thing. Her hospitalization is a good time to get together and get a good neuro-psyc evaluation.
Please stay as a unit in agreement. I am in your wife's corner and I hope she is steadfast in demanding that her marriage not go down with this particular ship. I wish you both the best.
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Raysot Jan 2022
Above all, I have stated aloud to my mom, wife, and anyone within earshot, that my wife is my #1 priority. Mom will not be moving in with us. That will fracture us beyond repair.

Mom's in independent living for now, but we will need to evaluate soon if she is to move into assisted living, which is probably not too far off.

I had hoped to have mom closer, to visit, to reminisce on days of yore, but that's not really going to happen and that makes me sad.

Interestingly, my 35-year-old son was staying with us this past week and saw first hand the stress this is causing us. We've had some deep discussions about end of life, and I reassured him that no matter what, once I start to decline I'm going to hop in an airplane and fly West until I run out of gas (We live in Seattle).

I was joking.... sort of...

Regardless, my hope of spending quality time with mom is now dead, replaced by conversations of where the phones are and what nefarious deeds her neighbors are plotting against her.
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Yes-I think that's a normal reaction. And sometimes the person with the disease will target a caregiver. It's a good idea to limit their interactions.
A big move like that is disorienting for a person with dementia. They only have so much bandwidth left mentally to handle day to day living, and when they end up somewhere new they have none of their usual waymarkers. It takes up a lot of their mental resources and can cause them to progress a bit. The disorientation makes them aware of their losses, and they can lash out.

It sounds like she needs to be in a higher level of care.

If she and your wife had cordial relations before, then know that her behavior is due to the disease--her brain and her ability to think rationally are affected--it's not just memory.
This might be a helpful read for you and your wife:
http://www.dementiacarestrategies.com/12_pt_Understanding_the_Dementia_Experience.pdf
This has a checklist of AD dementia symptoms you can download at the bottom of the page. it may help you figure out where your mom is stage-wise if she has AD: https://tamcummings.com/stages-of-dementia/
The alzheimer's organization has lots of resources--the forum here and the ones there have been helpful to me: https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx
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We constantly get asked the question here, "Am I a bad/horrible person?" We're all entitled to have the feelings & emotions we have w/o putting labels on ourselves for HAVING those emotions. We don't have bubbles over our heads that type out our thoughts for all to see, so we're entitled to feel our feelings w/o harsh judgements, don't you think?

In your profile, you say your mother suffers from Alz/dementia which is why she's treating your wife poorly & accusing her of stealing her telephones; it goes with the territory. In order to care for an elder with dementia, the caregiver has to understand where the paranoia is coming from: a broken brain. That said, your mother is living in Independent Living and suffering from dementia at the same time? That's not a good idea b/c she needs a higher level of care, obviously, as indicated by her recent fall and trip to the hospital. You wishing that she wouldn't come home is really a wish that she would live in a safer environment where more help & assistance was available & not left up to you and your wife. That would be Assisted Living or Memory Care Assisted Living vs. Independent Living which is what she likely needs at this stage of the game. Look into getting her situated in such a place where her needs can be met by a staff of caregivers that work 24/7 to provide it. That lets you AND your wife off the hook for the hands-on stuff and puts it where it's better accomplished: onto paid caregivers in a managed care environment.

Stop hating yourself for wanting a higher level of care for your mother and go about getting it for her!

Best of luck!
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No! You are NOT a horrible person for feeling that way! Speak with the social worker for discharge planning and if she goes to rehab for the wrist, and can no longer live alone, under no circumstances tell them you could help. They make promises of we can get you lots of help which never happens. You work a full time job and there is no one to care for her at home. Make the social worker do their job!!
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Raysot, welcome.

Your wife is a wise woman. Follow her lead.

Your mother is no longer safe at home. She would need 24/7 care to give her the level of care she needs. Those with dementia, beyond the very early stages, should not live alone.

Your mother is exhibiting paranoia and delusions (about your wife.) Is her doc aware of this?

Is she in the hospital right now?

Get yourself to discharge planning and tell them there is no one to look after her at home. It would be an "unsafe discharge". Use those words.

Get her tested for a UTI; thise can cause psychiatric symptoms in the elderly.

Get a geriatric psych consult in the hospital. Be sure you tell them about the accusations she makes about your wife. They are symptoms, and may be able to be addressed with meds.
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