My mother moved in with us after my father passed and she fell down a flight of stairs (luckily no broken bones). She did not pay at beginning while I worked to get her home (several states away) ready to sell. I did all the work while working full time. I was not paid for anything (including cleaning out her home). After the sale, she did not offer to pay anything on a monthly basis. She has plenty of money and very good insurances including long term care guaranteed. 2 of my 3 siblings (all sisters) have fought me about her paying anything to help with expenses or cover her use of the space in my home. (2 bedrooms and private bath). They have told me I owe it to do this free of charge or mandated I pull up expenses from before she lived with us and compare to now so she would only pay the difference. I have stated that if she were living on her own, she would have a mortgage, utilities etc but to no avail. My mother hasn’t offered and acts oblivious to any drain this might be causing. (She has her full faculties). I’m missing work due to the stress this is causing. I’m angry and don’t know how to resolve this without creating a bigger rift within the family than the ones that were already there.
One last note. We are blessed to have a nice home and great jobs. I feel as if my siblings think that since we do have these things (we have worked very hard to get to where we are) no extra money is warranted. It’s not about the money. It’s the idea that my time and space are worth nothing in their eyes. None have contributed with anything since day 1. One sister has been there emotionally but that’s the extent.
Personally - and I have learnt I have to look after me and my husband not prioritise my mother - I would sit them all down. Ask them to justify their views, and either agree a sensible return for you if financial return will solve the problem for you - which I doubt - or how the others are going to take their turn as you have done the caring for 4 years, its their turn now. Nothing about birth order or gender means it all falls on you unless arrangements have been agreed on this.
They have a right to their opinions... But.
"You can speak your mind - but not on MY time". Thanks Billy Joel. Exactly.
Stop listening to their noise.
Arrange what you need to. Maybe that is obtaining fair payment for your services & housing. Maybe it is helping Mother into different accomodation. Her funds will pay for it.
Siblings that say 'family should help' oh, but not ME, just YOU - are selfish JERKS. I'm coining the phrase *Jerklings* for you.
Jerklings... like that too. Now I can say I have Jerklings, not siblings!!! Thanks!
For the record, you owe your parents nothing unless you borrowed money from them and have not repaid it. The fact of your birth does not make you a debtor to your parents.
Another point, the difference between household expenses before and after a dependent moves in does not in any way measure the cost on your emotions and your relationship with your spouse.
She should be paying a far value for the 2 rooms, bathroom and equal use of common areas. She should be paying for her 3rd of ALL other bills, including groceries. Don't forget homeowners insurance and property tax when figuring out how much she should be paying for her house.
Quite frankly, it doesn't matter what you and your husband have, it doesn't entitle your mom to live free of charge. She is only saving her money to give to you girls, your sisters should NOT get a larger inheritance at your expense. You should be made whole for all the years that you have given her a home and care free of charge. It is the right thing to do.
I bet siblings won't step up to take her.
Also your siblings get no say in how you run your household. Stop their complaining, or "advice". Shut it down. Tell them if they packed up her house, they get a say. Otherwise keep it to themselves. I had a sibling who would try to offer advice. Always in the negative-and always under the guise of helping. It was really done to undermine my self esteem.
I said I am no longer taking advice, or any comments. I'm an adult. Keep whatever it is to yourself, I don't care. And shut it down. Hang up the phone, walk away, change the subject. You can give 1 warning. Then your done. And be true to that. They will do what they can get away with. You do that once or twice they will get the message. Don't be nasty about it. Just matter of fact. No emotion. They will get the message and no fighting.
Good luck
You first need to have a chat with your husband. Tell him how you are feeling. Ask him what he thinks about your mother moving into a senior community that would be paid for through her long-term care insurance. Once that discussion is had, then it's time to sit down with your mother.
On your profile you also wrote that you have lost jobs because of the stress of your current situation. Remember that when you and your husband are figuring out if you can afford to continue having your mother live with you rent free.
You already have a rift in your family. And, in my experience from years on this forum, asserting yourself now and setting healthy boundaries with your mother will widen that rift because many, many siblings are counting on an inheritance. Setting healthy boundaries also applies to your siblings. A firm "Sib, hubby and I can no longer afford to have mom living with us and certainly not rent free. That's all I'm willing to share and I hope you will respect our privacy."
Start looking for senior communities that accept your mother's long-term care insurance. It's time for you and your husband to decide what you want for yourselves. Your mother's needs are only going to increase. Her house sold. She has proceeds from that sale to pay for services she needs.
And IMO, it's a bad idea for anyone to take on the responsibility of caregiving for a parent without having the authority to do so and that means getting durable power of attorney both medical and financial. If she's not willing to give it to you - the child with whom she lives - then she needs to move to her own place. Whatever the decision, both you and your husband need to be on the same page about what you are and are not willing to do for your mother.
Best to start by reviewing the policy first and/or having a chat with an agent. Not all policies cover AL or MC - most are geared to NHs, and this mother is nowhere near needing that.
Definitely time for a consult with EC atty. If no POAs, medical wishes, will, etc have been done, they need to be. Discuss with atty the financial situation. S/he may be able to make mom see sense in chipping in for your increases expenses (food, supplies, utilities.) Perhaps siblings have been feeding mom garbage on this too. If so, then mom needs to understand that if this unwritten rule (owing) applies to one, it applies to ALL. Siblings start this crap with you, cut them off. Nonya. You can't make them understand or due their part in "owing" mom, so just don't discuss it with them or listen to their garbage. Sadly you can't stop them from tainting mom's thinking, but the atty may be able to get through, as a non-related 3rd party.
Additionally, mom's assets need to be set aside, perhaps in a trust, to protect them from others and herself. We had mom's in a trust, which was very well managed and did really well. Her liquid assets and the sale of the condo covered over half the cost of the facility (pension and SS covered less than 1/2), and other expenses (condo repairs, tax prep, supplies, etc. and the costs associated with the condo before/after the move to MC before it was ready to sell, almost 3 years!) Despite taking about 50k/year after the sale, there was still enough left to cover many more years in MC (she was there 4 years), had she lived longer.
Whether she pays you for care taking help might depend upon whether she would have to hire help if you were not available. You have not indicated that this is the issue at this time. It sound like your mother is fairly independent but happens to be living with you.
They need to either step up or shut up.
You have every right to expect your mother to pay rent if she's living in your house, eating your food, using your utilities, and taking up your space. The only ones who should be getting this for free are under the age of 18. Your mother is not in that age group. Your siblings think you owe mom a free place to live and caregiving services? What do they think they owe her? She's their parent too.
Do they think that she'd get free rent and caregiving somewhere else? She can't get it at any of their houses, paid or not.
Get it in writing how much she will be paying you for rent, utilities, meals, and caregiving services. Then collect your money every month.
If mom or your siblings don't like it, they can all figure out together where she can live.
Put up or shut up. I wouldn't listen to them. They could also be influencing mom in this as well. Bottom line is if they aren't all doing the same, then at the very least any increase in expenses (food, supplies, utilities) should be paid for by mom. She's getting a super deal (as are the siblings, if she never needs a facility or LTC pays for it. I would inquire with the ins company as to what this plan actually covers. Many are only for NHs, though some might cover some AL or MC as well. Depends on how it was written up.)
You have taken an elder into your home without discussion, it seems of her expectations and of your own. Now it is time to discuss with her your expectations moving forward. After the two of you discuss this attend an Elder Law Attorney (she pays) to draw up a plan of care. Then keep meticulous records so that if your Mom needs care with medicaid in future it is not jeopardized by it seeming as though she is gifting. Figure out your expenses for shopping, any modifications to home and etc.
Do remember that if you charge rental of any kind that needs to be reported to IRS and makes of your Mom a tenant with tenant rights. Do see an elder law attorney for advice.
By the way, Question # 1 is for you and hubby. How long do you wish to do this care now you have done it for four years? Or DO you wish to continue it. If not speak with Mom about where she might enter into ALF.
Again, it doesn't matter WHAT your siblings think. Discuss with your own PRIMARY family, and don't discuss anything with the siblings any more. There is enough on your plate without negotiating with your sibs.
Wishing you good luck. Start with discussion with hubby. How long will you do this care, and etc. What do you expect in expenses and/or compensations? What can your Mom afford. Then discuss with Mom.
EC atty can explain all to you and present options. POAs, will, wishes for future medical care, etc should all be discussed, at the least. Eventually one or all of these will be needed, sometimes sooner than expected! Her assets should be set up into something protective, such as a trust, to protect it from charlatans and herself. Sooner or later those may be needed for additional care (in home help, facility, etc, depending on what that LTC policy covers.)
My siblings were welcome to visit with mom anytime but they rarely did. They usually only stayed for a short while.
It is so hurtful to be criticized by others who don’t have a clue what it is like to be a primary caregiver in their home. None of us had any idea how tough of a job it is until we do it.
Tell your siblings that if they care so much about mom, and they don’t understand how you are frustrated with this situation, then they can take over your role as primary caregiver and see if they won’t be dissatisfied too.
I had mom for 15 years in my home! One of my brothers finally took the reigns, not to give me a break though. He felt like I was not doing a good job. Interesting because all of mom’s doctors praised me for wonderfully caring for mom. Let me tell you that he changed his mind about my caregiving. He later apologized to me and said he truly didn’t know how I survived as long as I had.
As far as financial matters go, one of my brothers told my cousin that he wished that he had the house and money that we had. My cousin told him, “Well, if you have what your sister has, you would also have the expenses that go along with it. Your sister and brother in law are responsible with money, they pay all of their bills, taxes and all educational expenses for their children. You have not been responsible with your money. You blew through your money as soon as you got your paycheck.”
What makes your siblings feel that you haven’t had expenses to pay? No one lives in this world for free! Add another person into the mix (your parent) and of course, the cost of living increases. You have a right to be annoyed with everything.
If this isn’t working out, consider another living arrangement for your mom. Who cares what your siblings think or say? They don’t have your best interest at heart. You don’t owe any of them anything, including your mom. You can be an advocate for your mom. You can continue your relationship with her as her daughter, not a stressed out caregiver.
Vent anytime. No judgment from me. It takes a bit of time to process our circumstances and sort through emotions and make needed changes in our lives. Nothing happens overnight. Take one step at the time. You’ll get there!
Wishing you peace during this stressful time in your life.
Emotional support is great and all, but it only goes so far.
Anyone can say a kind word or give a pep talk.
If no one is stepping up to literally help out with care or expenses, they should keep their mouths shut and their opinions to themselves.
Independent Living is in order for your mother now, after 4 long years of living with you, or Assisted Living with her insurance policy which is why she paid for it to begin with. Either of those options is viable, or, she can move in with one of the Armchair Critics at which time you can inform them it's their duty to care for her free of charge.
Take your life back now, you deserve to.
And of course THEIR experience provides all the knowledge they need....
"When your siblings start actually DOING something, THEN they can dictate how things should go down."
Ding ding ding ding!
"... insurance policy..."
Depends on what it actually covers. I've read many comments where some of these policies only cover NH care, like Medicaid. Many years ago, there was an offering to sign up for this through work/insurance/benefits. I was skeptical then and still am. I've read that some insurance companies are getting out of the biz, it isn't profitable for them (though these restrictions would make it seem like it WOULD be!) Others have gone out of biz, leaving those who paid into it high and dry! If the policy she has covers any kind of facility living (most likely not IL), then it should be an option on the table.
"...she can move in with one of the Armchair Critics at which time you can inform them it's their duty to care for her free of charge."
Wouldn't it be so much fun to be able to be a fly on the wall when these conversations happen??? It would be hilarious to see the reaction on their faces!!!
This IS a stupid plan. Although mom is okay now, at some point she may need facility care and it WILL deplete a lot. Meanwhile, status quo - you've been doing this and have been fine, keep at it! Selfish useless siblings...
I think the conversation you need to have with your mother (not your sisters--she has her full faculties, why would you talk to them about this) is "Mom, this isn't working for us anymore. It is past time for us to find you a nice Independent Living place for you to move into at the end of the summer. I've got some brochures from a couple; let's take some tours next week".
You wouldn't be the first person who invited their parent in to live after an emergency but didn't realize how wearing it can be to give up your space, privacy and time and be told that you should be "honored" or "grateful" that you are able to do this.
In the end, what you are doing is saving your sister's "inheritance". Stop doing that.
More like what THEY are doing is ensuring their inheritance.
You don't owe her anything. You obviously love her or she wouldn't be with you but, love doesn't pay the bills or put groceries on the table. Your sister's are only worried about their inheritance, not you, your family or your mom.
Get mom to sign a rental agreement and don't bother telling your sisters squat. Do this all through a certified elder law attorney (www.nelf.org) to ensure that you are keeping it legal. I would also update all of her end of life documents while you are there.
Mom sounds oblivious to it all. Perhaps that's her mind set as well, that you owe it to her. Perhaps the siblings have drilled this into her head.
I would start with mom, keep siblings out of it (although mom might talk to them and complain, so beware!) Explain that her needs do impact your ability to pay bills. At the very least, she should be contributing to grocery and supplies (TP, paper towels, etc.) If you have to clean up for her, then there's that too. Personally, unless she's hogging the whole house, if there's room and she's using some of it, I wouldn't care so much about "rent", because whatever residence you have, her being there doesn't impact that cost. It's more about paying your own way.
Certainly she should keep assets stashed away, for the future should her needs become more than you can handle. A visit with EC atty with a lot of questions can give you an idea. Facility care isn't cheap. Hiring in-home help also can be very expensive, depending on how much care and how many hours are needed. Her assets should be protected and saved for those potential future needs!
Thankfully my mother had some savings and the condo sale brought in more, so her facility care was well covered. It was somewhat fortuitous that I was laid off just before she needed more help (dementia, living alone), so I could help out, but I was also 1.5 hours away. She rejected the minimal aides hired in less than 2 months, so Plan B, move to MC, had to be used. Like you, I had to clear, clean and arrange repairs on her condo so we could sell it. I didn't have that job to worry about, but it was a huge drain on my time AND money (which was VERY tight at that point.) It took multiple trips/week for about 2.75 YEARS to get it all done. What did I get for all that? Squat! I could have paid myself from the trust fund we set up, to protect her assets from charlatans and herself (she was talking about doing a distribution to us - NO!) I chose not to. Since the market can be capricious (think 2008!), I wanted to ensure the funds would be there when needed.
I am hoping that my brothers will allow me to take what remains after we distributed trust funds (some needs to remain to do one final tax return next year, but this year has depleted that remainder quite a bit!)
Although she has assets, esp from the sale of her home, that visit with EC atty should discuss POAs, wills, medical, AND how to protect the assets. At the time we did all that, it wasn't clear to me, but eventually I figured out that this "plan" was to keep the assets for us and put mom on Medicaid. Nope, nope nope nope. IF she lived long enough and depleted it all, then fine. That's what Medicaid is for. In our case, the funds were well managed and despite having to take about 50k/year from it to cover more than half her facility cost, there was still a good chunk left for the 3 of us.
Ignore the siblings. It is your house and your life. After atty discussion, perhaps you can have a good talk with mom and get her to understand. If not, take her to the atty - they can sometimes paint a better, uninvolved picture for her. She should be contributing something. You provide the roof over her head, presumably at least the meals and food she eats, and she does increase your costs. If she weren't living with you, where would she be? Facility? THAT would take much more. Siblings? Not likely. They have become used to YOU being the facility.
The ONLY WAY that care in a situation like yours can work is if ALL of the siblings AGREE to accept partial responsibility, commit to doing their part verbally AND IN WRITING, then stick to the deal (rarely happens).