There are many responsibilities to owning a home. As we age it gets harder to do the things that are needed not to mention handling household emergencies. My mother is 97 and until now I have been her solo support. She has refused to pay for things because “she wants to leave her money to me” or repairs cost too much”. Everything from cleaning, repairs and emergencies have been on me. It’s been 20 plus years of this. Now I’m getting older myself. I live over an hour away and my grandchildren live in other states. I never get to visit because an emergency may come up. My mother refuses to move unless I take her in. I have repeatedly told her that is not an option. Now she just waits for a crisis and calls me to save her. Recently I have said no but what can I do when her basement is flooded and she needs someone to help her. There is no one else but me. I’m so tired of all this. I feel so manipulated. Boundaries, right? She always finds a way to wriggle out of them. I’ve tried talking to her but it’s useless. Tried hiring help. She fires them. Tried showing her assisted living-nope nope nope. I’ve come here so many times just to vent. I’m sorry in advance for the rant but I’m at my wits end. Her endless needs are too much for me to handle. But she refuses to believe it and just dismisses me when I tell her that. I’ve talked to her dr and social workers. They just tell me as long as she is mentally competent there is nothing I can do.
I saw myself becoming a slave a long time ago.
Still, I did and did knowing I was not looking out for me.
I let her guilt me and trample me under foot. I’d yell and scream only to get up the next day and slave away!
shame on me for sure.
How is it..some of us see a train coming and get out of the way…others see the train and get frozen in place?
Go visit your grand children and let the crisis occur, she'll have no choice but to accept a different solution then you.
No, you cave in. You allow her to trample your boundaries because you have no intention of defending them because it makes you feel uncomfortable. You're a People Pleaser.
Tell her a therapeutic fib: "I'll help you move in." (she'll actually be moving into AL, not your house).
Condition #1: she assigns you as her Durable PoA (meaning it is in effect right away). Make sure she assigns you all possible authorities. Make sure it gets finalized legally, in front of the attorney. Don't move a muscle until she actually completes this step with you and a lawyer.
Then, she gets moved directly into a temporary "apartment" in an AL while you "get your house ready" -- there was a "glitch" and the power (or water, etc) isn't connected yet. Don't take her to your house for any reason. Do not even drive past it. Make sure the AL staff knows what the "narrative" is -- they will be happy to play along.
If your Mom is an anxious, agitated or paranoid person, make sure to discuss this with her primary doc who can prescribe meds for this. Do it via video call if your Mom won't go. Her cooperation is part of the condition of you helping her move.
Sell her house to pay for her care.
I wish you much clarity, strength, courage, wisdom and peace in your heart as you work on getting her into appropriate care.
So just stop already!!! What you're doing is ridiculous!
You have brought all of this on yourself, all because you've never learned to say the word no. And of course your mom is taking advantage of that and using and abusing you, and the sad thing is...you're allowing it.
So...as I say on here often...it's time to put your big girl panties on and start using the very simple and short word NO.
NO mom I'm sorry that I can't clean your house anymore, because it's all I can do to clean my own. And NO mom, I can't pay for that repair because I need my money for my own homes repairs. And NO mom, I can't come over to help you with that chore as I'm going to spend a few weeks with my children and grandchildren, so you'll have to hire some help.
You get the picture. As long as you keep enabling your mom and propping up her false sense of independence, she will NEVER admit that she can't live on her own.
Oh and I forgot one more no. NO mom you cannot and will not ever live with me. Period. End of sentence.
Your mom has you right where she wants you, and you just go right along with it. Why? I have no earthly idea.
Perhaps a good therapist could help you better understand why you feel that you have to be someone's doormat just because that person is your mom.
There are definitely some strong underlying issues there for sure.
So STOP the nonsense today(20 years is long enough!!!), and start using that two letter word NO, and for God sake go visit your grandchildren.
i feel Your anguish.
it resonates like a burning fire!
someone mentioned boundaries are for us to protect ourselves. I agree and I’m learning this lesson. Boundaries have never been respected by Ma. She’s not demented. She’s selfish.
guess what: I greatly contributed to drawing out and or exacerbating her weaknesses so she could use them against me! 🤔
caregiving sucks the life out of Us before We stand back and realize how much time and personal vitality we have given/lost as main caregiver to a parent.
trying to sit down with a parent after years of being a door mat to them always taking calls, skipping trips, self care etc…….its like clapping with one hand: useless. They become conditioned by our care and service whether demented or not to ramp up the demands until something goes wrong. Then, they blame anyone but the mirror they look into! They blame me or you
I’m caught in the caregiving toilet bowl with you swirling away!
take a vacation. Take two.
go do your thing.
i have blown years of my life trying to be the good son and do, do, do….
i hope anyone reading this just getting sucked into family caregiving steps back and insulated themselves yesterday!
its not to late for all of us who have been consumed in family care because we chose to serve.
some of us forgot ourselves in the midst of the mayhem.
easier said than done!
Good luck.
do something nice for yourself
"As long as YOU are the solution, they are never going to even bother to LOOK for another one".
Another good piece of advice -
"What you are feeling is not guilt. It is grief. Guilt is for when you have done something wrong. Grief - is when you are handling the loss of something."
You can grieve a lot of things - in this case - the fact that your mother is no longer able to take care of herself and needs more help than you should/can reasonably provide.
The hardest part of being an adult child with a parent who can no longer take care of themselves, is that sometimes we have to do what is best for them, in spite of them.
Many of us were groomed to rescue them . It didn’t even occur to me to let them flounder on their own , until the social worker told me to stop helping .