It’s been 14 years now that I’ve been caring for my mom. I tried unsuccessfully to get my parents to plan for their future but they refused. When my dad died my mother thought she would just move in with me. Even though I had told her that wasn’t possible. She has badgered and relentlessly pursued this idea for all these years. She never gives up. I call her everyday and talk for at least an hour. I dedicate a whole day every week to her needs and desires. I still work and have a family of my own. I also have a somewhat serious health condition. She is 96 and she says if she lived with me she could help! It’s ridiculous! I am so very very very very tired of her trying to quilt me into taking her. But I feel like I’m holding back to raging river. I understand boundary setting but how long can I be expected to hold them without cracking?
Fourteen years is a heck of a stretch, moving in is just the end goal.
You life your decisions, don’t let someone else make them for you.
* This likely is a life-long pattern of behavior / interactions. I would imagine you felt a need or desire to do 'for her' and as she wanted/told you to do as a way to be loved by a mother. Children want to be loved by their mothers so this wounding / trauma occurs.
* You are the only person who can change your life.
* You first need to realize that you DESERVE inner peace and a healthy life-style.
* It may start with realizing "Yes, I feel guilt and I am going to do what is in my best interest ANYWAY."
- Guilt / negative attachments (it is an emotional attachment) do not go away overnight. Learning self-forgiveness, other-forgiveness is a huge lesson.
I would personally recommend you get into counseling / therapy to find the you inside you, the person that deserves respect and healthy love.
Taking care of yourself is NOT exclusive to caring for your mother.
You need to learn how to navigate what is best for YOU and her. She won't like it and it will initially feel uncomfortable for you - however, if you want some peace in your life, you need to change from the inside out.
One tool that is helpful is to listen to that 'inner negative voice' telling you what you need to do ... (i.e., the guilt). Talk to that voice. Tell it, with compassion that you are now going to take care of 'myself' (yourself) and by doing that, I (you) will also be taking care of mother, in the most healthy way. Then tell that voice "I am not going to listen to you anymore. ... I deserve better."
That raging river is likely in you. Let it flow out. It can be done with compassion. It requires setting boundaries, knowing what you will and won't do - with conviction.
Gena / Touch Matter
Mom, I don't have enough money to retire early. I can not retire till I am 67 and can take my social security. I am currently 58, which means I have to work at least till then to retire. I have told you this before.
Write a standard response out and when she asks read it to her. I have a feeling that you are going to be asked this question again and again.
Mine wanted me to give up working weekends.
To relax, hobby time? Nope. So I could be the work-horse for her laundry list.
Not. Happening.
Don't think of it as holding back a raging river or emotional abuse (I think abuse is rather harsh description...but that's just me), instead think of it that she wants to be in closer proximity to someone she loves. At 96, there has to be a certain amount of loneliness in reflection of the family life we used to have, the husband that predeceased you, etc. As my mom used to say, some days go on forever when you haven't had much interaction with others. I think it would be hard for you to set the boundary on how she feels and, in turn, expresses to you.
I mean, to draw your line in the sand, what are you going to do - tell her if she brings it up again, you'll hang up on her??? (I know at some point, someone here will suggest that or similar). At her age, regardless how many times she asks, please don't go down a punishment road with her. You may (or may not) find out what real guilt is when she's gone.
Some folks have no relationship with their parent. I guess your mom may just want a little more that you can or are willing to give her...but you do have the relationship. Don't think of her asking as guilting you or any form of abuse...let that go. Chat with her, end the calls nicely, and take a breath or cuss it out privately after you hang up. Doubt she is going to change. Peace to you.
Since your mother is 96 years old, have you considered putting her in an AL facility? If your mother cannot afford to do self-pay or if she does not qualify for Medicaid for a facility, she can stay in her home and Medicare will pay for someone to come in and help her provided she has Medicare Advantage. I have Medicare Advantage and they will pay for part-time or intermittent skilled nursing and home health aide services provided at her home. The skilled nursing and home health aide services combined must total less than 8 hours a day and less than 35 hours a week. Through this program with Medicare Advantage, you can have someone come in every day for a few hours and Medicare Advantage will pay for this. Prior to receiving home health services, your mother’s doctor MUST certify that she needs home health services and will order home health services to be provided by a home health agency. Also, for your mother to qualify for this program she must be home bound, and at her age she is definitely home bound.
I wish you good luck in trying to resolve the problem of care for your mother and help you to find peace of mind knowing that she is being taken care of in her own home.
Come on. It's time to adult. Do what you can, and change the subject, since it's not feasible for you.
OP you have nothing to feel guilty about. Tell mom you reguse to have this conversation anymore and that if she continues you need to leave (if you are visiting her) or say goodbye and hang up the phone.
It might help you to get an outsider's take on what is going on.