Does this make me a failure?? I feel so conflicted.
I'm from India and mom (now 84) took care of everyone back there - aides were hired only in the very last days of my dad. Mom somehow managed. I'd fly down occasionally to help her out .
Now my mom has moved in with me here. She is in the early stages of dementia. I cut back from full-time working in a school to part-time so I could be more around her. Before the pandemic, I hired an aide so that I could at least work part-time. Now with school reopening, my husband is telling me to quit so that I don't endanger mom's health. I hate, hate how mom is ruining my life. My impatience comes out as mom repeats herself and does stupid things. She sometimes soils the bathroom and I've to keep checking it since others use the bathroom. She has no hobbies or interests and only wants to stare at my face. I could go on but you get the idea.
I keep reminding myself that mom was so good to her parents and dad and she deserves better from me but I just don't have mom's patience. My brother never talks about caring for her.
Am I a bad daughter???? Mom is physically ok and not ready for memory care. It just scares me that mom will live to be a 100.
I still maintain your feelings about the whole care-giving issue are acceptable and understandable. It's also understandable how you might view yourself as a failure if mom could work all this magic and you can't. You are not your mother, you are very young and have a whole life to build ahead of you. She did what had to be done, you will manage to find a way to do what has to be done - that doesn't mean doing all the hands-on yourself. It means you will find a way!
Best of luck (and ignore the negative Nancys who try to layer guilt on us, esp those of us who can't or won't do the hands-on care. It ISN'T anywhere close to the same as pet care or child care, which is their typical reasoning.)
2 died in my home,my mother who was ritteled with cancer in my bedroom. Totally I cared for eight people..all with different health issues.
So, do not feel guilty, or think about being a bad daughter. I envy your position, that you can still have a life of your own. If there is any way you can put her somewhere and feel comfortable about it, do it. Good Luck!
I returned home a little over eight years ago to keep my 96 year old at home. Of course she was 88 yrs. old then; I knew the time had come. A sitter told me one day “she needs diapers” and my sitter showed me how to use them. Those diapers lessened my workload to not have to clean the floors after her anymore.
Alice S.
So don't compare her priorities with your own. It isn't that hers weren't just as valid, but the course she naturally followed in India is not one that is available to you or normal for you in your circumstances as they really are, in the US, in 2020.
Trying to do so ultimately leads you to say silly things such as "she is ruining my life." No, she isn't. Your trying to be all things to all people, which is not possible, is creating a level of stress which is making you miserable. It's not at all the same thing.
It also leads to your finding it actually painful that this woman, who adores you, wants to look at you. Adulation can feel uncomfortable, of course, this is so; but to allow her to drink you in for an hour or two can't really do you any harm. Or not unless it comes at the end of a working day plus a full household routine when all you want to cope with is a glass of wine and some undemanding t.v.
So - this aide you hired. How's it going with her? Is the "health endangerment" comment related to this person's coming into the household, is that what your husband means?
I can't blame him. No more than if she was a newborn.
Online classes available???
It sounds like you need to set some house rules and expectations for behavior.
Leaving a filthy mess in the bathroom doesn't say she is physically healthy, because physically healthy people can use the toilet without creating an unsanitary mess.
Edit: reading responses and I see she has dementia. It is time for incontinence underwear and someone helping her in the bathroom. She may not like it but she has no choice if she can't deal with it alone and she can't.
Brother and I were at their home 24/7 for a while. Dad too sick to do anything but sit in a recliner. In and out of hospital multiple times (while I sat with him all day,) Finally placed on hospice status and at that point decided to move them out of the house to AL. Dad needed constant supervision: multiple meds, wound care, incontinence of both types. He could not do a thing for himself and always had a demand. Mom could help a little but she has dementia and has a total loss of short term memory. Just listening to her repeat herself multiple times a minute was driving him crazy (and me too.)
When dad passed, we arranged for mom to go to a memory care wing in the same facility. At first I felt guilty: should I take mom home? But our house is not well set up for that (stairs,) and my husband, having gone through the same thing with his grandmother and dad, starting when he was only 27, had enough of elder care.
I'm 70 and could not handle taking care of another adult who has no memory and wants constant entertainment. My mom is a lot like yours: no hobbies or interests and never developed any close friendships. All she did was wait on "dad." You don't want to be like that when you get older. Consider memory care for your mother or you will age a lot quicker than you want.
I don't have either of my elderly parents in my home right now. Thankfully they are both vertical and have their marbles, but that could easily change over a few months since they both fall regularly and I can see them slipping a bit in their cognitive abilities. My sisters and I have told them many times that our "limit" is dementia to a level of daily sundowning, violent, wandering off, or "playing with and smearing feces everywhere." (some dementia victims do this DAILY). The other limit is caring for an invalid.
I pray everyday for peace love and kindness. I am not a great caregiver, my mom lives with my husband and I. We have aides in place and I just pray for patience and to have me serve as if unto him. It's hard in any situation and really I have it EASY compared to some of what I hear on here. Best of luck and I pray that we can always have love and patience and do the best that we can do.