I’m not sure who I am writing to in this post. I just wanted to say how this website has gotten me through for the last few years.
The peace I thought I’d have isn’t there. The quiet I thought I would enjoy isn’t here. I feel as if I’m in a mourning of something different than when my dad died. I know I did a good job. I was there when everyone else left. I felt no one could have done better than I did. I felt wonderful the look my dad gave me in the end of knowing I was there and caring for him.
Mom passed away so peacefully in my home. Only regret is I could have said goodbye. She had a stroke and was unable to communicate. I have been cleaning mom’s room out and there is no goodbye love letter to me. There are only evidences of how I was not close to her. I found from a long list she had made of things she had done in her life. So very many were new to me. Why in all my time as her daughter she hadn’t told me these things? My name is only written in mostly instructions for taking care of her affairs when it’s time. My sister and brother are in the fun times and I got this. Yep, I know I’m not the party people they were. I didn’t drink and like to be around cigarettes. I kept my daughters away from that kind of stuff. I feel cheated. I still have plenty to do to settle estate. It’s taken me days to weed through just what was piled in her closet. I finally have it organized. Now I get to divide what money is left to people who didn’t come see her. I get to do all the work so others can even tell me not to bother them unless they are getting an inheritance.
Mom’s dementia stole these years. My caregiving robbed me of finishing my race with her since I am so very tired. I feel bitter at family instead of being able to mourn my mom with them.
I miss my mom. I have missed my mom for a long time. I’ll be glad when I don’t feel like this. This too will pass. Thank you lovely people on this website.
The fact that she trusted YOU with the important things means she trusted YOU
You said goodbye every day...the "woman" you cared for was not your MOM..you said goodbye when she lost the ability to do each ADL that we take for granted. You lost her slowly, piece by piece, bit by bit that is the hardest way to say goodbye.
You got her strength and she helped you become stronger as you cared for her. No one can be a caregiver and not become a stronger more resilient, empathetic person. This is a great gift she helped you develop, use it wisely and pass on what you have learned to others going through this journey.
Your family mourns, you have mourned for much longer.
You are exhausted. It will take you longer to regain and find YOU again. You will find yourself thinking you have to get home to do this or that only to realize, you don't have to rush home. You will wake in the middle of the night to change a brief, or because you thought you heard her only to realize you can sleep through the night now. (It will be a while before you can do that)
Take your time. Mourn at your own pace. Let no one tell you how you should feel.
Sleep well, you did the best you could that is all anyone can ask..she is at peace.
Thank you so much for your lovely and kind response. I will think of your response often and let it carry me through these next rough days. I have copied it to carry with me to the funeral home. I needed to hear it.