We moved mom with dementia from her home to Memory Care 6 weeks ago presenting it as a rehab to get to bottom of stomach issues. That worked for about 10 days after which she said they weren’t doing surgery there and she wanted to go home. We met with her and with staff and said doctor wanted her to stay 90 days so they could adjust diet and adjust meds to get her feeling better. She participates in almost all the activities but as soon as a minute free she is in nurses office insisting we are picking her up. She has had her stuff packed in bags for weeks and when we visit she says are you here to get me, I am all packed. Mom tells us to go to hell when we say no just to visit and she has to stay for a few months. They increased antidepressant and added anxiety meds. She has ocd and she is hyper focused on leaving. Staff is saying they want to tell her she is staying. They think she fixates on it more which a timeline and her dementia is not so severe that she is going to forget. Outside social worker says absolutely not, it would devastate her. So confused as to which way would be better. I agree she will not forget and just settle, but is it too soon to tell her? She thinks there is nothing wrong with her and she can take care of herself. We were paying a caregiver for a year to do groceries, make food and spend a few hours with her daily at home who mom thought was a paying tenant. Things were getting worse and safety was becoming a major concern. Thoughts on easing the transition for her?
There is no real transition for some. Ever.
I am afraid I am on the side of the staff. I don't believe in lies to elders and think it adds to unrealistic hope and more confusion. I can't say that telling the truth will make a difference, either. Sadly, this is the face of worsening dementia.
I wish I had better things for you. But lying to you and saying "Oh, this will be better in a month or two" just prolongs things. Doesn't it?
I wish you the best. I am so very sorry.
And as you know there will come a time that she won't remember what you've told her anyway, so it may be worth a shot.
I spend a lot of time at his memory care, getting to know staff and residents and the routine. I have observed that most residents cope in this way. While talking with one resident yesterday, she spoke of her boyfriend and their future plans, her nursing career, the sheltie they were going to get for their new place. I made a slight misstep when asking about her past nursing career. She corrected me saying she is still a nurse. I quickly recovered saying, "of course, once a nurse, always a nurse!"
Thanks to this forum and my recent experience with MC, I remind myself often that I am in the depths of grief as is my husband. Trying to deny the reality of it is a fool's mission.
I don't have advice for you. I just offer our story so that you know you are not alone and you are doing the best you can. When I think of many people with whom I have been acquainted that walked this path alone with their person in isolation, I realize we are very fortunate to be able to have memory care as an option.
You are providing memory care for Mom out of love. You are bearing the emotional unpleasantries out of love. She is lucky to have you as a daughter. May you find peace in this.
Tell her the truth that the "tenant" you used to pay was a caregiver and you can't afford it anymore. Tell her that she can't live alone anymore and where she is now is her home now. It's good that she's a social person and takes part in the activities the memory care offers. If she's allowed to continue believing that she's only temporarily there, she won't let herself truly accept the reality that she lives there now.
Let me tell you something. I did caregiving for seniors with every kind and level dementia for 25 years. The lying is usually worse than telling them the truth.
There are harmless delusions that you can go along with. Like the one lady I worked for who believed she was secretly married to Elvis Presley. So we'd go along because it made her happy. Then there are the delusions that you never validate because that only fuels them. The ones about everyone stealing, or neighbors spying on them, or letting someone believe they're going home when they're not.
It's better to just take the reaction and vitriol they will throw at you. They may even turn on you. The anger and rage means they understand they're staying. Then they have a chance to acclimate to their permanent home and even have some quality of life there. They never do when they think they're going home.
I have to admit it was one of the hardest experiences of my life. I knew in my heart she was where she needed to be but that didn't make it any easier. My advice is to just keep telling her the doctor thinks she needs to be there, redirect conversation and smile. Over time she will adjust to the routine, start to participate in activities and hopefully be at peace. It took 9 months for mom to finally accept her living situation and that it was her only option. It was a long time of hearing complaints at every visit and it definitely took a toll on me but I knew with certainty that she is getting great care, eating regular meals, bathing 2x a week and receiving the medical attention she needed. I'm very blessed to have her in a great facility.
A book that was recommended on this site call Mother Lode by Gretchen Staebler is an excellent resource. Blessings to you and your family... try to be kind, loving and patient and know that there are many of us struggling in the same situation. You are not alone.
She will likely continue insisting she can take of herself . Prepare to keep having the same conversation that she needs to stay for her safety .
I think you are handling it well. Your mother will eventually accept being in the Memory Care unit.
Sometimes there are no easy yes or no answers to these situations other than allowing time and acceptance to take place. It is hard for both the loved one and the family members to separate. Watching our loved ones health and minds deteriorate is difficult.
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