My mom likes living there because of Gracee, her granddaughter (she is 7), but mom grew up in an alcoholic home and does not like that part of living there. Mom does not pay for anything, does not do anything because of physical pain, and just basically sits in a chair. She does not want to bathe and we can barely get her to go to her doc appts. It has become extremely frustrating for my sister, which I get, and I have offered mom to come live with me and my husband, but she won't leave that house. I feel bad because it has basically ruined my mom and sister's relationship. My sister does a lot for her. I just don't know how to talk to mom about maybe pitching in some money, taking care of herself, etc. I feel like she feels like she is going to die any day, which is not true - she is not sick, although she does not eat right and feels sick a lot of the time. I just don't know how to talk to mom nicely and get her to try to understand things a little better. On the other hand, my sister and family practically live in their bedroom and spend no time with mom anyway. I don't get their living situation at all, but mom is taken care of as far as food, a bed, etc. My sister is about ready to have a nervous breakdown. One thing you should know is that my mom lived in this house with my aunt for several years before my aunt died and then my sister bought the house, so I think mom feels like the house is hers kind of. I don't know if I am making any sense, but I really need to know how to address all of this to make both my sister and my mom happy. I honestly do not think my mom wants to live with me because she does not care for my husband, but she has never said anything to me. My husband is willing to take her in, but I fear what that might do to our relationship. My mom has fought depression all of her life and when she is in a funk off her medication (she is very stubborn), it can bring even the happiest of people down. I grew up with that and it was not fun. Any advice would be great. Thank you.
Sister may be overwhelmed - has starting choosing a drink rather than take other action? Would she speak up about what she wants to change? You don't have to be her therapist.. but may wish hear her out? But make it clear you are not there to 'save' her. She must decide to change for herself.
Being a reliable Aunt your niece can turn to if/when needed could be the stability she will need ❤️
Resist any temptation to rush in & save Mom or Sister by re-housing Mom yourself.
That poses real danger to you & your life. If there is a dependant streak in Mom & Sis (alcohol & depression are big risks factors) if you take on a little of their personal responsibilities, they may drop the lot & leave it for all for you.
I don't mean Mom's care is your Sister's responsibility because she lives there. What I mean is HER life is HER responsibility. If she wants change in her life, she needs to start taking the steps to make that happen.
Align yourself to be their *Advocate* not their rescuer.
- did your mom create PoA documents? If so, who is her PoA?
- the PoA, if not durable, will need to get her in for a cognitive/memory exam to determine her "capacity". If she does poorly on this exam, then the PoA's authority is active. Now the PoA can work to remove mom from the home and into AL or MC.
- if your mom never assigned a PoA and she has a diagnosis of dementia/incapacity then you can pursue guardianship through the courts, which can be pricey and time-consuming.
- if your mom is not cognitively incapacitated then she gets to decide if she stays there, if it is her home. If it's not her home, then your sister can decide to work to remove her to someplace else.
Neglecting one's hygiene is usually an early sign of dementia. If I were in your family's situation I'd first find out if there's a PoA. If someone is able to encourage her to create PoA I'd get that done asap, Once that's done, get her evaluated for cognitive/memory decline. After that you'll have a direction to move in. Wishing you success in helping all involved.
They're not RIGHT NOW. This could go on for years, but meanwhile life goes on. Everyone here has to think about what's best for the 7-year-old as opposed to Grandma. What is best for this child is her parents' well being, now being affected by Grandma.
Therefore, Grandma must leave. It really is that simple. They have a child, and that child is more important than Grandma.
If she does, you won't be able to reason with het or explain anything.
It sounds line your sister and family are suffering and have no privacy.
Ask the local Area Agency on Aging for a "needs assessment" to fugure out what level of care mom actually needs. Then explore her resources.