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It's been a while since I've been in this forum. Some may remember that I have really struggled with Mom's "core personality" being completely unleashed now that dementia has taken a firm hold of her.
Back in May she had started throwing her plates and cups or banging then on the table at meals in the community dining room. Last week the the staff had reported some "decline in cognition" to the physician who, I think, ruled out UTI.
Today my brother visited her (I haven't been there since July. I needed a break. A Looonngg break. Brother reports he can tell that she's been kicking the wall and there's a hole in the wall too. No one on staff has contacted me about this. Bro says Mom said it's been there a while and happened while she was angry. That's all she said. Not that she did it, but that's the natural conclusion. She's in AL, they do not have Memory Care. I'm thinking it may now be time to place her in Memory Care.
Any thoughts?

Finding a hole in Mom's wall, and hearing about it from your brother instead of the staff, is unsettling. It makes sense that you're weighing a move.

I'm a dentist and most of my patients live with dementia. One detail caught my eye: this started with throwing dishes at meals. When someone can no longer explain pain, a sore tooth or a denture that rubs often shows up as anger, and mealtimes are when it hurts most. Since the UTI was ruled out, her mouth is worth checking off the list too.

A few things you could ask about this week:

- Have the AL nurse or aides look in her mouth for red, swollen, or bleeding gums, broken teeth, or sore spots under a denture.
- Ask whether she has been chewing on one side, eating less, refusing harder foods, or touching her face or jaw.
- Find out when she last saw a dentist. Many communities have a visiting dentist, and if hers doesn't, the care team or your state dental association can point you to dentists who see residents on site.

Swelling in her face or under her jaw, or a fever along with mouth pain, means same-day care.

Whatever you decide about memory care, ruling out pain first gives her next care team a clearer picture of what she needs.
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Reply to aamarodds
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yes, I know. But It's more forgiveable in MC than in AL.

I think I'll take the advice of, "they'll let you know when they decide she can't stay there anymore."
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I can't remember if your Mom is on meds for agitation. If not, why not?
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mommabeans Oct 4, 2026
I honestly don't know. I let the care team at her AL determine her healthcare needs. She's on Ericept? If that helps.
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I would leave well enough alone.

The facility isn't complaining about her behavior, so I don't think you should either.

Well done stepping back and letting the facility take care of her.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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mommabeans Oct 4, 2026
Thanks. That's probably what I wanted and needed to hear.

I KNOW I have no legal obligation to answer for her. But that ingrained "you owe your parents" thing was is Sooo part of my generations DNA is stuck on the tracks.
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The assisted living facility will notify you when it's time to have your mom moved to a memory care facility. Have you or your brother asked those caring for your mom if they feel it's now necessary to have her moved?
If not I would start there and then take things from there. No need to put the cart before the horse here.
And just FYI. your mom can still kick a hole in the wall in a memory care facility as well, so I wouldn't let that be the determining factor.
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