My mom can be great. She’s 86, disabled, lives alone and my sister and I try to take care of her the best we can. We have two other siblings that do what they can, when they can. A fifth sibling is out of state and pretty non existent.
My problem is - Mom always wants to pick a fight with me. She is so critical. Nothing I do - or my kids or grandkids do is right - and she never speaks to my other siblings like she does me. I just want to quit going in at times and then I remember that my dad - who passed 2 years ago - would want me to be kind and good to her. I need to find a way to counteract the negativity.
First I feel asking this is a form of abuse by the dying parent. Dad had to have known Mum treated you and your family poorly, why on earth would he make such a request?
Second, no where is it written that you have to provide in person or hands on care. You need to put boundaries in place and hold them firm. As soon as Mum starts up, leave her presence. If she starts on on you kids and grandkids, you exit, all of you. Hang up the phone. Walk out of the room. Stop accepting her behaviour and stand up for yourself.
Oh I know it is hard. But you owe it to yourself and your immediate family to protect yourself and them.
Sure it will be harder on your remaining siblings who are helping to provide care, but that really is not your problem.
Remember you are setting an example for your family that this sort of behaviour is not acceptable.
You are fortunate to have siblings to share her care with; I am an only child and have nobody but myself to rely on to do everything for my nearly 94 y/o mother. She lives in Memory Care, however, so I do not have hands on care to give, thankfully. I just do everything else and there is a LOT, contrary to what others may think..........that we 'dump' a parent off in AL and that's the end of everything. It's really only the beginning.
In any event, my mother is very mean and critical as well, so I take her in small doses. When she gets ranting, I tell her I'm either leaving her presence or hanging up the phone. When she's in the mood to pick a fight, which is quite often, I keep the call short and sweet and that's that. It takes two to tango, so bow out gracefully the next time your mother picks a fight. Don't engage, don't respond. Ignore her.
Wishing you the best of luck setting down some firm boundaries with your mother and then sticking to them like GLUE!
Over the years I've read so many posts of caregivers suffering abuse at the hands of those for whom they're caring, and eventually realized that what's needed is for the caregiver to build up self esteem and personal respect, and take a firm position: Unfounded criticism is NOT to be tolerated; it needs to change or you'll have to reconsider your role in her life. And leave it at that; let her think about the situation.
No one will stand up for you if you don't stand up for yourself. That's an observation, not a criticism. You're certainly not the only caregiver in this position; others struggle with it as well.