Been married (2nd time) for almost 3 years. Been together for 8 years. His Mom lived with him since 2016 when he needed help and she couldn't afford to make her payments. 4 kids between us, 2 married with kids of their own, 1 in the military and 1 under our roof temporarily to relocate. He extended the "move in" offer to my Mom in January. We have a large (very large) house ... BUT... his Mom uses our only guest bath as "hers", my Mom comandeered the half bath as "hers", our middle son and my Mom share the downstairs shower. BOTH Moms use the common areas upstairs. I am losing my mind living with these two old women! Beyond launching me into early menopause (due to their lack of hormones) they do everything LOUD! Eat, walk, sleep, talk, drink, cough, fart, laundry, you name it, they do it LOUD!! And my MIL is the biggest "butt-in-ski" I have ever met. She butts into every conversation and everything related to the house. She thinks she needs to know what is going on with everything and everyone. She thinks she is "cute and funny" when she is really just conniving and manipulative. There is ZERO privacy when she is around. ZERO! Now add my mother. She wants all the same things my MIL has (including MY parking spot because it is up front by the garage door.) And she respects NO house rules. If she wants to move or displace or change something she just does it. My past with my mother is rocky at best. She was very Pro-Woman and very Gloria Steinham so my happy marriage where I am the Beta and he is the boss just grinds her gears. I hate all of this. I'm surrounded by old women and it makes me want to scream. One who wants to challenge every single thing I say and one who thinks she is her son's emotional support wife! I have tried talking to my husband and he simply says "it won't change so why fight it". I am not trying to fight it. I am just trying to breathe. Just trying to survive. - Anyone got any tips for this side of it?
You should also tell them that you won’t be helping. Obviously if they do laundry, they’re fit. They can choose Uber to go places. The more they need help, the more likely they can’t stay with you.
August 13, 1996
Dear Abby
DEAR 80 AND HOLDING: Thank you for sending it to me. I agree, the rules are worth repeating. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: When my husband's mother came to live with my husband and me 23 years ago, she made our lives so miserable I vowed I would never bring such misery to my children if I ever had to live with them. One day, I wrote myself a letter containing some rules. I put it in an envelope marked, "To be opened on the day I go to live with one of my children" -- then I put it away.
I've been widowed and self-sufficient for eight years, but I was recently forced to give up my job and move in with my daughter. I'm submitting that letter. Perhaps your older readers might benefit from it, as I intend to. Here are the rules:
-- Give what you can toward your keep. Any budget will stretch just so far.
-- Keep yourself clean and neat. Fresh undies and daily baths are a must.
-- Remember, it is their home. Give them privacy at every opportunity.
-- Try to make your own friends and develop interests outside the home.
-- If you suspect they would like to go away on a vacation but are hesitant because of you, offer to visit another relative or friend so they will be free to go.
-- Don't offer any advice or express any opinion on family matters unless asked.
-- Volunteer information that they might be too embarrassed to ask for, such as arrangements for your burial, hospitalization, etc.
These rules were written more than 22 years ago. I read them often and am determined to keep them. -- 76 AND HOLDING
Its your home and Mom and MIL have been invited into it, YOUR home. They each get a bedroom. Maybe THEY need to share a bathroom. Then son has the downstairs shower to himself. The problem with MIL is ur DH may have allowed her to be a "butt-in-ski" before u were married. Now she needs to be told that her comments are not welcome. What goes on in YOUR home is between u and DH. Don't discuss anything in front of her.
They both should be paying something to the household but then that may make them think they have a say in what goes on in the house. I laughed when I read about the parking space. I would have said "Really Mom" and laughed. And MIL changing things, been there. We had just got home and were in the dining room. At the time I had a Hutch with two sconces on the wall opposite from where we were standing. Table in the middle. I had orange candles in them for the Fall. I guess MIL did not see us because she came into the house, went to my hutch, took out the orange candles and put in white. Left the orange on the hutch and walked out. We both stood there speechless. It was like watching a video in slow motion. Yes, I put the orange back up. I am pretty sure my DH said something to her the next time he saw her. I could tell u some stories. But I knew, this woman would never live with me. So glad I was never tested.
So yes, you have a sit down and tell them this living together is not working. Why?, because they are forgetting that the house is YOURS and they seem to have taken over. I doubt if they would have put up with what you are. So things need to change or they will need to find somewhere else to live. Give them the changes. And stick by your guns. There are HUD apts that require 1/3 of what you bring in monthly for rent. Do the mothers get along? Maybe they could share an apt. Each having their own room and bath.
When I married my DH he had bought and remodeled a home. His Mom had helped with painting, helping him pick out cabinets and made all the drapes and curtains. (She made drapes for money) And she had decorated, not in my taste. I think she thought she had a right to make comments. But, my DH told me the house was mine to do what I wanted. Before the year was out, most of her decorating was gone and mine put up. Yes, u could tell she was not happy with my decorating.
These 2 women need to step up and contribute to the household, it's what members of a household do!
You got this!
She could use the proceeds to buy a new house for her unwanted guests! Or themselves.
I am trying to think of an appropriate name for the show.
The OP has a catchy title on this thread, ‘Not The Momma’ is one option.
Can anyone suggest any other contenders for the name? Or vote on any of these candidates.
Burnt made the comment about one queen to a hive so another option is,
‘Three.Queens in a Hive.’
I made the comment about Buckingham Palace not being big enough for this family, so it could be called, ‘Buckingham Palace Wouldn’t Be Large Enough!’
OP won’t approve of this one 🤣 but, ‘Should I Divorce My Husband and our Mothers?’ is a contender!
A few more:
Loosing My Mind
They Didn’t Live Happily Ever After
Three’s A Crowd
One Big ‘Not So Happy’ Family!
Hey, I’m on a roll, right? LOL 😆 So, I will bet any of you that the MIL would steal the show!
One more,
Sister Moms! (Not Sister Wives)
Oh wait, what was that movie called with the three men and a baby? Three Men and a Baby.
Three women and a Husband! Or Three Men and a Crazy Husband! Or, Husband Has It Made in the Shade! LOL 😆
Or, instead of a reality show a sitcom would work! Anyone remember the show Mama’s Family starring Vicky Lawrence?
I wonder how many seasons they could do patterning a sitcom out of this crazy family!
The writers are missing out on a hit show! What actress would be suitable for playing the mother in law?
Jane Fonda and Lilly Tomlin can have their next show playing the mothers in law!
"My MIL will be brought to heel as well." Those are extremely strong words. Will your husband be okay with that? "If they choose to remain in my house, they will have to follow my rules and contribute in some form." This is very opposite from the original post where the husband is in charge.
There is a lot going on here. It can't be easy living with these two women and you appear to want to keep your husband happy. So good luck!
She’s basically referring to her MIL as a dog! Hey, at least she’s smart enough not to invite her husband to her little chat with the two moms.
Now you're reading them both the riot act and showing them the door if they don't shape up.
Interesting.
To my mind, being a feminist has nothing to do with "making one's spouse mind", being aggressive or being the heavy.
It has to do with being allowed to earn and keep one's own money, have credit, be able to leave an abusive marriage and not lose custody of one's children, and speak one's mind in public.
I am 70 years old and NONE of those were legal when I was growing up.
Your mom sounds like a shrew, not a feminist.
However, after reading all that and considering my mother I had a short but important chat with her. She was, wants and thrives on control. My plan is to sit them both down (without him) and come to a few resolutions (boundaries if you will) in addition to finding a way for my mother to control something (besides me - because that doesn't work at all). My MIL will be brought to heel as well. And if they aren't, there is the door and they are free to walk through it. I don't think they are cute, sweet, or in any form "Golden Girls" and they are going to know it. If they choose to remain in my house they will have to follow my rules and contribute in some form. And I have no idea where my MIL would go. My SIL doesn't want her due to past behaviors of "butt-in-ski" and her own daughter doesn't either. My mother could take care of herself again now and has the resources to do so.
If anyone is interested I will post the results of that talk later.
There is a middle ground. Your mother (“one of those”) didn’t allow people to disrespect her, albeit sometimes in a forceful manner. It sounds like you were afraid of her. You don’t have to be like her, but it doesn’t mean you should swing the other way. You don’t have to be the doormat. As long as you’re above ground, there’s a chance to change.
I would be waving to ALL OF THEM as I drove off.
Seriously, I need my own space. If you are happy to live in this Golden Girls arrangement, go for it.
As for coping, get a job, volunteer, join a club, pick up a hobby, or whatever to get your beta-self out of the house.
Why can't your husband remodel the "downstairs" so that the two moms don't have to use the "upstairs" common areas? Is it possible to separate the two levels with a door that you can lock and create a separate entrance?
Since you're happy playing the beta to your husband's alpha, I would go full throttle with a happy-wife-happy-life strategy and work on your husband, who either does or doesn't care about keeping you happy.
If that's so, I guess YOU have to change, right?
You need to work on acceptance that this is your lot in life. Antidepressants and tranquilizers will probably help.
And no, I'm not being sarcastic.
Your comment reminded me of my neighbor across the street. She’s a pharmaceutical sales representative. When people ask her what she does for a living, she smiles and says that sells drugs! LOL 😆
You would be a great sales representative for drugs! 😊
Oh, and a couple of houses down, we have a pharmacist in the neighborhood! Drugs are a huge business for a lot of reasons!
I would definitely recommend drugs for the OP too!
I was watching a cooking show the other night. They owned a cannabis cafe’. All of the customers looked extremely chill! They offered a variety of dishes to enjoy. Cooking with pot is a lot more involved than the typical brownies that were popular in the past.
No matter how you got here, this situation is not acceptable to live with for the foreseeable future. You are coming out of it worst of everyone involved. They have no incentive to change. If you want change, it has to come from you.
Good luck!
Good luck taking your home, your marriage and your life back.
It will change, that is for certain. Here are some options:
a) One of you will die.
b) One of you will have a major health problem requiring far more hands-on care. It could even be you!
c) You will find that being ‘beta’ gets old, too old. It’s one thing to let your DH be boss, but not when boss’s rules require the old women to rank above you as well. You are almost there already.
Here are some options if it’s c):
1) Buy some industrial ear plugs (a couple of dollars for two, get an industrial size packet). Put them in when you come within range of the LOUD.
2) Get a copy of ‘Boundaries’ (probably in your library anyway), read it and work out which bits to start on first.
3) Put a bit of pressure on the resident son to move out, not to get comfortably entrenched. Freeloading is not good for him at his stage in life. He is not in a position to be on your side, and he complicates the issues.
4) Get a lock put on a couple of doors. I’d start with access to the kitchen, so it’s yours. Other people by invitation only. This is a real statement that YOU are the wife in this set-up in YOUR house.
5) Then start controlling the food. This can be fairly dramatic, without arguing or being a health hazard. But first you need to rethink “I am not trying to fight it”.
6) Get a job or volunteer, either being something you enjoy. As you seem to be comfortably off, volunteering for people who are genuinely less fortunate than M and MIL and Son, is appropriate to your standard of living. Get out of the house. Let the olds fight it out between them, without you being piggy-in-the-middle.
7) You haven’t mentioned money. Perhaps the deal is that this is a family hostel where no-one pays board. Particularly if a mortgage is not paid off, it’s essential that everyone contributes to overheads and out-of-pocket costs. No-one will ever leave if it’s free. And when and if they do leave, they will leave you and DH with the mortgage.
Be clear that this is all affecting you much more than DH, because you are the one in the house most. Try to get your own free time at times when DH will be the one in the house. He needs to get sick of it too.
Give this a go, and then work out where to go from there.
Good luck with small steps. Most of us would take big ones, and run.
If she goes to work, then the care will fall into her husband’s lap. Let him see firsthand how much his wife is dealing with.
Either they move out or you do, three years is not a long term investment, your husband is using you, the red flags are all waving in front of your face, pay attention.
Since you say neither mom or MIL will be moving out, then I guess you can try and set boundaries. Who knows maybe that will work. You seem to be the only one that has a problem with this entire setup so there's that.
If that doesn't work, accept that your role in this 3 woman household is to provide the sex portion in the three way relationship, his mom provides the emotional support and your mom provides ???. Kind of like sister wives but not really at all like sister wives since it's a wife, her mom and his mom.
They won't respect boundaries. Once a mother or MIL moves in there's no such thing as a boundary.
They have to be moved out.
That is totally ridiculous.
If you don't want them living with you, make them move out. Tell them that it's not working out with them there because you do not want a hectic life and home.
You have every right to put your MIL in her damn place because it's YOUR house. Regardless of how "beta" you may describe yourself that fact does not change. Make her and your mother understand that you are the boss of your house, not them.
Please stop being afraid to tell her 'none of your business' when something is none of her business.
Or to tell her that no one thinks she's cute or funny.
As for your mother, do exactly the same thing. Tell her that how you and your man live your life together in YOUR home is none of her damn business too.
I wish I knew you personally because these two senior brats living in your house would be put in their place so fast.
If they are going to act like spoiled brat siblings bickering because one got something and the other didn't, then treat them like children.
My father lived on a farm when he was a kid. His family kept beehives for honey.
He used to say that women were very much like bees. They are sweet as the honey they make, but one Queen in a hive. If another female bee tries to step up and rule the hive, one of two things happen. Either the old Queen and the usurper fight to the death or one of them leaves and some of the colony swarms with her to make a new one.
It's still always one Queen in a hive though, and one woman in a house.
You are the Queen in your house. Your mother and MIL live by your goodwill to be there.
So while they're living under your roof, they will eat, sleep, and sh*t where and when you tell them to and no mistake.
Your husband needs to help enforce this rule also.
As for menopause, my theory there is if living with young women is able to delay menopause with their hormones, I feel like the old ladies could very bring it on by NOT... Either way I was like clockwork until they came along. I blame them. :)
It's not fear. I refuse to argue with my husband when it's not about he and I. Blending is never easy and add 2 old ladies and it increases exponentially. I've pointed out how I feel. I do not carry his sense of guilt or responsibility. My Dad was a great Dad, husband and provider. It's not my fault his sucked and left his mom with nothing. But I will NOT fight with him about them. Period.
Three women living under the same roof! Interesting and insane.
I had to laugh when you described your mom as “Gloria Steinem.” Gloria Steinem believes in independence for women. Your mother certainly isn’t independent if she is living with you.
Your MIL seems to think that she is an “emotional support wife.” Have you told her that ‘you’ are his wife and that he doesn’t need a spare?
Your husband really takes the cake! He says, “Why fight it?” Really? I would say, ‘Why not fight it?’ It’s not fighting for the sake of an argument. It’s fighting for your sanity, your privacy and living peacefully in your home.
So, you have never had time alone with your husband? Is that correct? He was living with her. You stayed with him, hoping for what? Can you explain this?
You have had a rocky past with your mom and your husband “extended an invitation” to her as well. Is he a glutton for punishment? What did he hope to gain by adding onto your stress?
By the way, I don’t care if you live in a house as large as ‘Buckingham Palace’ it isn’t going to be big enough. Your mom and mother in law are always under foot and seem to be ruling the roost.
So, what is going on financially now with your husband? Are they still mingling their finances?
Do either of them have any serious health issues? Who owns the house? If mom owns it, move. If you own it, tell them that they must find new accommodations.
I hope these grandmothers wouldn’t expect to be able to move in with any of your children.
Geeeeeez! I hope you can separate from your parents and live life with your husband. Best wishes to you and your family.
Now that is the truth! Hey, maybe you just hit on the real reason for Megxit!