MIL (93) went to Assisted Living in April. Usually very easy going but lately gets into ”rages” especially re: her possessions. Any advice?

Short-term memory loss is the definition of dementia. She may need stronger medicine like Zyprexa. It is an anti-psychotic. It really helped my dad who had the same issues. He would become rageful and demanding. Now he stays much happier and calm.

As with others, I question the no dementia assessment. Who decided that?

I knew virtually nothing about dementia other than having heard the word Alzheimer's when mom's behavior perked up my ears. Observations led me to look up dementia and clearly she was in the very early stages - this is when doctors can miss it, EASILY! Especially regular old GPs/PCPs. Funny, we just changed PCPs and mom couldn't really pass the test. About a month later, I went in for my yearly and they gave ME the test!!! AHAHAHA - If I have dementia, we're both in big trouble! That test wasn't even the full-mini. Remember 3 words and draw a clock with X time indicated (I told them this test will have to change for future generations, who don't know what wall clocks look like!) However, in the very early stages many can muster up enough to "get by" and appear to be "okay." Not one person experiences all the symptoms nor do the progress at the same rate. Despite being almost 96 (going on 3), drifting back in time (asks for mother/father), she was able to draw the time on the clock, but not the whole clock (for instance, showed 3 o'clock but no other numbers.) So, those tests don't really catch much.

Mom started repeating things, on the phone and in person. She chalked it up to being old, but repeating the same questions/statements over and over, nope! In retrospect, there were signs that were so subtle (and I knew nothing about the symptoms/progression) that we likely missed some. One in particular was accusing people of taking items, including her own son (tweezers!!!) Often she would put things away (or hide them) and forget that she had stuff or that she put it somewhere. Always someone took it.

Your postings indicate you were her "go-to" before, so you probably know the most about her day-to-day activities and behavior before and now. You say she was always easy going and now flies off the handle, and this IS a common behavior when dementia starts. As an RN, perhaps you are more aware than the rest of us about what to look for, but sometimes when you're too close to it all you might miss it too! The fact that she takes it out on Hubby (and now you) is another sign - typically those who are closest/provide some of the care are the ones who take the brunt of these tirades. Some are saying it is loss of independence - I can understand someone being unhappy about it, but to rage at someone? I don't think this is normal sadness regarding loss of independence or control.

Question 1 - is there a time of day when these rages are more likely to happen (later in the afternoon perhaps?) Sun-downing is typically later afternoon or early evening, however it CAN occur at other times of the day. I would expect that whatever time of day it happens, it should be consistent (of course what do I know???)

Question 2 - is the anti-depressant new? What is it for? When mom has some "incidents" (typically not, and when reading initially on here about UTIs, I poo-pooed it until it happened to us!), they Rxed an anti-anxiety... Perhaps they are really the same thing? Is she consistent about taking her meds? I wouldn't ask her, I would find a way to monitor it - mom had the regular weekly pill containers, but we had to go with a timed/locked dispenser when she was still living in her condo AND hire aides to check it (That lasted only 2m or less! They sent the "expert" to talk to her and that woman is lucky mom couldn't physically throw her out, because she would have!) With short-term memory loss, they can fall into the "already taken it" but haven't, or "haven't taken it" and take too many because they forget they took it!

The only other thing is to perhaps find out what the "triggers" are. You said she called you - is it possible something happening to her is triggering this? I know when the PCP told mom it wasn't safe for her to live alone, mom got really nasty!! In her mind, even now 3-4 years later, she is fine, independent, etc.

I had the same problems with Stepmother age 86 & sometimes had short term memory problems. Doctor put her on medication to control the rages/sundowning. Also, Stepmother thought persons were taking her things. Her rages got worse. Turned out Stepmother had Dementia & now in Nursing Home .
Thanks to Alzheimer’s Association who had someone to talk to me through those tough times. I’d call them for advice. Wish you well.

Have they checked her for a UTI? Often an increase in anger and rage is actually a festering UTI.

I posted earlier on this but would like to add that my Dad, my sister, and I had my mother admitted to the hospital due to her behaviors to be evaluated. They said she had Alzheimer’s/Dementia mild to moderate about 3 years before she ended up in the nursing home. Hers got. Worse fast even with anti-psychotic meds. It was a puzzle for sure.

My mother is the sweetest person I know. She is kind, gentle, easygoing, always has a good word for everyone. She once told me never judge a person if they seem irritable or mean. "you do not know what they are going through". I guess that's where I get my compassion for people. My mother sometimes gets UTI's, she gets compulsive about her purse and wants to take it to bed, I let her and then around 3 am I take it away. She also wants to wear her shoes to bed and I allow that and then around 3am I take them off. I found it is better to cooperate with her during these times. She then goes to sleep and does not get upset. This happens only occasionally.She or I will count her money in her wallet at least ten times but this is also occasionally when she has a UTI or she is tired. I used to tell her I already counted the money but I learned to go with the flow and everyone is a happy camper. I think it is also a cry for independence and I let my mother have some control over her possessions. I think it is important. Hope this helps..

I would walk out and tell her you're giving her a "time out" to cool down.
Let her know it is not okay nor appropriate to scream at you. In walking out, even for a minute, 5-10 minutes, an hour - will shift how you feel about the situation and stop it from escalating. She may or may not start to get it: if I act out like this xxx will go away. I don't want her to go away. Likely, the behavior will repeat itself, however you do not need to stand or sit there and 'take it' -

Key is not arguing. Sounds like you are doing that.
Even as we understand intellectually that it is dementia or brain changes happening causing the behavior, it still hurts and can affect us. I know. We all know. Giving yourself time outs will help you to shift out of the energy the anger hurled at you feels. You may need to learn how to re-act to change how you feel in your body (practice a meditation). Breathe in deep (love, compassion, kindness, self-love; breathe out negativity, pain, and sadness. Gena.

First see if the doctor can get her medication to control her outbursts. If she starts getting nasty to you and screaming, IMMEDIATELY tell her to stop at once and if she does not stop, then either hang up the telephone and do NOT call for back for a long time. And if you are with her, get up and LEAVE. Again, do not return. And each time she acts up, remove yourself at once. You do NOT deserve this and you must NOT allow this behavior. She will either learn to control herself or be totally alone with no one. Her choice. You cannot allow this behavior. You do not deserve it and must NOT allow it.