My husband has cared for his mother for 17 yrs in some form or another. Some years were volatile due to narcissistic father. She is now in Memory Care. Thankfully she is loved by several caregivers. That being said, my husband goes to see her 3 times a week. She is showing signs of failing but it has been a very slow process. Her memory is failing. She almost did not recognize him the other day. When he comes home, he is worn. He says it doesn't bother him. He is not actively pursuing anything else in his life. His mind focuses on one thing at a time. I am concerned this is taking a serious, long-term toll on his life. Because MIL really has no idea of time, should he continue the number of visits?
Wouldn't it be awful if one day you told hubby not to visit that day, and that was the day his Mom unexpectedly passed. He would never let you forget that :(
I was going to see my Mom twice a week, plus working the other 5 days and I live alone (except my pets), so I had to also take care of my house and stuff.
She lives in her house still but doesn’t drive. She’s not “my Mom” any more because of failing memory. She cooks her meals, takes her meds and pays her bills, but I hear the same comments over and over and over. She doesn’t remember what I tell her so that’s sad for me too.
Last year I had to make myself cut down to once a week. It was just too exhausting and overwhelming for me.
However, if I was still married and my spouse tried to tell me to cut down my visits, I would not welcome that.
He’s only got so much time left with her (even though it seems long right now) and if he decides to go 3x a week then I would just support that.
If you want to help him, Maybe you could suggest both going together on one of those days. It’s nice to have another person there sometimes to break up the monotony.
Honestly, there aren't many real conversations once our loved ones are in memory care. So it is up to us to find something to help pass the time. Bringing a milk shake (split it into a smaller cup for them and you drink the rest - they are too much for a senior) , looking at pictures in a fashion magazine, etc. A small puzzle (6-8 pieces). Perhaps your husband just needs something to do since there isn't any real conversation.
My brother struggled visiting my Mom in memory care too. He ALWAYS brought his wife to the visit. Once I realized this, I suggested he bring a deck of cards and have her sort them by suit or color. It was something to do. And, she loved singing some of the old songs. (my singing talent is nonexistent but it didn't matter, it was something to do) Sitting in a room staring at your mom with nothing to focus on or do IS JUST AWFUL. I urge you to find activities to help pass the time. He will be happier and so will she. Also as each visitor arrives, they should announce who they are--- Hi Mom it's me, John. It helps keep the connection.
I think that I have already grieved for the loss of my LO. The person we always knew just isn't there anymore. I still visit and try to touch upon her true self inside, but, the conversations, personality, discussions we used to have are no longer possible. I think that I was fortunate that I was able to keep other things in my life.
Do you think that your husband is suffering from depression? Would he feel comfortable discussing his current state with his doctor?