Maintaining healthy family relationships while being a caregiver- advice?

Please don't do this to yourself or your family. It is not worth your marriage or the damage to your kids. Your mom had her own life and you have yours.

Yes, she raised you and deserves your honor and support, but I'm guessing she also raised you to have discernment and to know your limits. Your gut is already telling you that this is a bad idea, not just for your family, but for your own health--you're already feeling sick!

Find her a place that meets her needs--she won't be happy there, but it sounds like she won't be happy anywhere. There is no need for your entire family to share in her confusion and misery, because that is what will happen to your family--everyone will be miserable and your kids will flounder in confusion. I've been one of those kids. It will permanently affect them at a time when they are building their own lives--I'm sure your mom would object to the situation if it was someone else taking over their lives.

You have some grave misgivings--do the right thing for your family, no matter how hard it is. You are already honoring your mother even by considering doing this. Judging from your deep love for her, I'm guessing that she would want you to be there for her grandchildren.

Thank you, again, everyone. This is heart-wrenching. I have to say that she is better tempered when her medicines and nutrition is managed. She’s stayed here before for a couple of weeks at a time and it’s been fine. Mostly.

Maybe im still not understanding the stages of Alzheimer’s. She knows who we are. Other behaviors are odd, but she’s still quite aware. I just can’t imagine leaving her in a home while she still knows what’s going on. That would be like leaving one of my children. Ugh.

Im open to Al or whatever...just not yet.

Sometimes your mother won't come to live with you. This happened to me. My mother refused to leave her home so that left no other option but to leave my family and move in with her 500 miles and 7 states away. My family and I made it work because we had to. Was it easy? No, of course not. Most family members and friends wondered how I could do this. I had no choice. Good luck and many prayers sent to you.

Sarah, I know you want what is best for everyone. This is a very hard, heartbreaking situation you find yourself in. It's mom. It's also you and your family. I can tell you from experience that the good days are awsome, the bad days ....beyond description. My MIL has been at my home almost 2 years now. The hoarding will continue, or she will continue to try. I don't know if it's the era that they were brought up in, depression and rationing during the wars, that makes them think get it while you can, and if it's on sale get even more. 🤷‍♀️ I know that you're in a hard place trying to make the best decision that you can for mom. It's like tug of war and you're the rope. With everything you have said in your posts so far it seems that the best and safest option for everyone concerned would be an assisted living where meds, meals, hygiene and social interactions with other people her age may be in her best interest. I know that you said she's not a very social person but is that because of lack of opportunity and resources in her area? Go on a field trip and check out some of the residences in your area, make lists of pros and cons, bring the family along and get their input too, they will also feel involved in whats going on.Some will allow her to bring items that have sentimental value to her. Husband and I are retired, hence how MIL came to be here with us. Is this how I wanted to spend it? No. I have missed a great deal of time with my grandchildren and my parents because of caring for her. She has begun the journey of vascular dementia, lost her stops on what she says and does. I wish I could get it thru his head about finding a good MC/AL facility for her. His mental block is he promised his dad on his deathbed to always take care of her. We're married (37 years) so I guess he thinks that promise extends to me. She's 92 with heart issues, thought we were going to lose her but by regulating meds, diet, etc, she's stable at this point. She's also a time bomb waiting to go off, her heart is giving out. What you are proposing to do is great in theory but hard demanding work both physically and mentally. Once I was the one who was always positive, after living with all of the negativity between her and DH, I feel sucked dry. This does change a person and not necessarily for the better. I will find myself again, it's just one becomes so busy helping, cleaning, cooking, dr appointments, hospice visits, her hygiene, dressing, and other personal assistance she needs, laundry, the list goes on and grows daily. Had to put her meds on top shelf so she wouldn't take the wrong pills. Have dealt with temper tantrums, pouting, crocodile tears when she doesn't get her way. Sorry, not getting Chinese take out no matter what her daughter says. Low sodium 1400 mg diet. Figured out stir fry for under 500 instead of over 1000. No you can not have a Turkey tv dinner but I will gladly make a turkey breast, mashed potatoes, low sodium gravy, and a veggie for you. Yes you can have mcnuggets and fries, they will make them without sodium for you. Yes you can have pizza because I adjusted other meals to accommodate it. It's much more than I think you realize. As far as the I don't want to be a burden myth, she will enjoy ordering you around, "if it's not too much trouble, I want xyz." You will not have one place in your house that is just for you to destress. Forget long showers or soaking in a tub, those days will be long gone. Many answers given here is because we did chose to take care of them, not knowing what we were getting into. Its a long lonely path for you the caregiver, friends will stop asking you out because you will not be able to, they will stop coming over because you are too busy or too tired to actually be a good friend back or mom will be rude to them too.We don't say to find her a new home to be mean, we say it from a place of knowledge of what's to come and wth the hope of sparing you and your family from all of the fallout.

Sarah here is a quote of what you replied to someone .."Horrific guilt. She cared for me. How can I not do the same for her?" Guilt means you’ve done something wrong which you haven’t. I think you really mean you feel obligation not guilt. Yes she took care of you as a parent is obligated to do when they choose to have a child. That’s part of being a parent. You can still "take care" of her even if she is living in AL....and yes contrary to what you posted to another, she does indeed qualify. Just because a parent doesn’t live in your home doesn’t mean you aren’t involved in there care. You are choosing a negative mother over your own husband. Think carefully about this. Get some objective guidance if you still feel the need to do this. Find out why her needs are above those of your spouse and your marriage.

Sarahk.. Your Mom needs to be in a Memory Care facility..This situation at home will ruin your marriage, compromise the health of you, your husband AND your children.. Mom will not get better from this disease..

My Mom is in Memory Care, she has adjusted, though it takes time..I could not give her the 24/7 nursing care she needed..

Pls seek MC asap..Sending prayers to a fellow caregiver & Sandwich generation Mom🙏🏻❤️

Sarah, it's so much better for a person with dementia to move to Memory Care or AL while they still have the cognitive skills to adjust.

Moving them when they are completely gone is cruel.