Just need to vent, please don’t judge.

And I am hiring the help I hoped/expected/wanted them to provide.

Tollermama, My fantasy is to change my phone number and move away without a forwarding address to my siblings after my father passes away. LOL. In the meanwhile, I do want them to have as much relationship with my father as they want (with me guarding the tiller) as long as it is happy for him. Then I will have no regrets. I have few expectations but I do try to communicate clearly ways they can help. Sometimes they have to hear it for awhile before it sinks in. BUT - I will NOT let them stress me out! (OK, not much.)

I agree with Teri. He would not be allowed in my home.

oh, Disgustedtoo, that breaks my heart! I agree completely -- he is NOT welcome at your house. And after all you've done....

Tollermama, I'm sorry to hear your sister is acting like that. It's great that she's coming to take your dad out for the day, but it seems like picking up your order shouldn't be too much to ask.
Is your brother genuinely trying to help? Or just making sure the house doesn't lose value? I hope it's the first one.
Either way it seems like they at least realized they need to do SOMETHING. I'm sure that was because you stood up for yourself and I hope you continue to do so.

Teri thanks again for your kind words. When I get stressed out, it really helps me to think about all the things I'm thankful for.

Disgustedtoo, I can't believe you have had to tolerate your brother's abusive behavior in your own home! I'm so sorry!! What a shame that your mother treats him so well even after he has been violent with her. You're smart to not deal with him anymore.

I truly wish more of you got the appreciation and support you deserve from your families.

Ugh, so now to add to the drama... while my sibs were here for Father’s Day, my one brother mentioned he would be back soon to do a little maintenance on the house. Not to be outdone, my sis also wants to come down the same weekend to take dad to the pool and out to dinner. They don’t get along so now it has to be different weekends. 🙄 When I moved out of state to care for dad I had already signed up for an organic meat csa. It’s a half hr from my sis, asked her to pick up my share before she comes down. Omg, she is annoyed and it’s a major inconvenience to her. She doesn’t work she has nothing else to do! I’m paying for it and feeding dad! Love my dad and will do anything for him, but when he is gone I don’t think I want anything to do with my sibs! I’m moving far away!

Although Father's Day has gone by, this discussion can cover any other "special" days of the year.

Tollermama1 and anyone else this kind of situation applies to:

From various posts/threads it *seems* like most siblings/extended family (and sometimes friends and/or neighbors) are clueless and/or useless, but there are some bright spots like Jnwitt's family! One cannot change their ideas, thoughts, opinions or behavior. We do have to just understand this is how it is and move on. If possible try to get any/all of them to try one day of care and see how it goes. I suspect in the majority of cases this will never happen. If it does, it will likely be a one time deal! A picture may paint a thousand words, but there is NOTHING like experiencing full time care of anyone, especially those with dementia (I include those like myself who take care of everything but the hands-on. Even that can be stressful, time consuming and frustrating!)

That said, the greatest percentage of responses and suggestions to this thread were priceless! The best were to just leave instructions, a list of local restaurants and disappear for the "celebration" to enjoy the "day off." Certainly no special cleanup or prep for their visit, and if disappearing isn't possible, then yes, feed them EXACTLY what y'all have for a "normal" meal! They don't like the food? Here's a list of the local restaurants and grocery stores... Help yourself!

Although Tolermama1's dad was sad that she would not be joining in, he seemed receptive to having a second special day. GOOD for you Tollermama1!!! We will be curious to know if there is another repeat "visitation" in the future!!! ;-) My bets are they will be few and far between, if any at all....

If I had relatives who would announce they are coming and not bringing anything, they would not be welcome in my home to be waited on hand and foot. I have enough to do/juggle now without having to cater to capable adults. If they can "manage" to drive all that way, they can treat it like any other vacation they take, pay for lodging and food. You want to come to my (or parent's home), don't come empty-handed or expect to be doted on. You are adults, take care of yourself AND your father! They should also treat YOU special, just because you deserve it for being the one who stepped up and provided the full time care (alleviating their need to do something!) Visit with dad, take him out, whatever, but don't put on airs and think you are royalty because you took a few hours out of your existence to "honor" dad. The only positive in all this is at least they were willing to come and visit. I read so many posts about family who do not visit or even call.

To have the sister come back with putting him in a VA home if you cannot care for him speaks volumes. Clearly she would not be wanting to or be capable of caring for him. Although calling VA placement a death sentence is a bit extreme, if for whatever reason you could not care for him anymore, THAT would be preferable to seeing him live with your siblings! Consider the care and treatment THEY would (more likely would NOT) provide. On learning the cost of AL/MC, my brothers were astounded and their first response in discussing moving mom was for that price they would take her in. Both were and are mostly clueless. Given seeing my older brother's most recent response to visiting mom while he was in the area (he is not local), he would NEVER be able to deal with her, especially 24/7. He visited the MC once with me when he arrived (we brought pizza and then I made myself busy with another resident doing jigsaw puzzle to give them time to visit) and then another day in the morning, he visited briefly by himself. That was IT for the 2 weeks he was here (we're still trying to clear out/fix/clean the condo for sale.) When I suggested he visit again and often while here, basically he said he wouldn't know what to do while there and would not go. Ooooohhhh, and you wanted her to come live with you, 2+ days away from here with no respite from us??? BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! The other brother needs reminders and reminders and query after query for "special" days before giving response and/or commitment. No clue how often he actually visits on his own.

Tollermama1 also said: "Seems my one brother is the golden child, if he calls once every 6 months and visits once a yr dad treats it like the pope is in town." I can relate to this. That same non-local brother used to call on Sundays when mom was still on her own. I cannot tell you how many times I heard "Oh D**** calls me EVERY Sunday (emphasis was hers.)" Okay... I call multiple times/week, stop in when I can, take her to appointments, do her taxes, took over her finances when it became difficult, provide help with stuff if/when I can and took her grocery shopping or brought supplies.... What am I, chopped meat? But the killer is when I stop by the MC place, it is usually "Oh, what are you doing here?" and/or "Where did you come from?" That first visit while he was here?? I got the usual, and then she saw him. You'd think it was the second coming of Jesus!!! Fawning all over him, oh her baby (he's the oldest.) I certainly don't need or want her to fawn over me, it is just a bit galling to see how she treats him, the prodigal son... Well, it is what it is. I do not expect him to visit again (can't handle it) and he is no longer welcome in my house or presence after throwing me to the floor twice during that last visit. I kicked him out of my house and will NOT back down (he was verbally and physically abusive when we were kids, but I thought perhaps he got over it - NOW I can see this never went away. We just were not together often or long enough or alone for this behavior to appear. Although he was testy during several visits in the last 2 years, and sometimes verbally abusive, I chalked it up to stress. Nope. This IS what he is. I've also learned about other instances of mistreatment of others, including mom, so WE ARE DONE!)

So cheers to all who take care of someone, know you're not alone nor is what you experience unique! There are many of us out here and WE appreciate you and send kudos for all you do!

Keep in mind that relatives that do next to nothing or are "clueless" are usually not on this type of forum. My dad told me the other day "You take such good care of me" and he is in an assisted living facility (been on Hospice for over a year). You are a special person.

Hi Toller. No judgment here, but would like to plant a size five shoe in the seat of their pants. That is the true meaning of "entitlement". The other posts were great and am glad you got some time to get out and relax for awhile.

We are lucky in ways as my honey's brother and SIL are not only close family to my honey but to me too. My daughter and her family live a long way away from us and I rarely talk to my brother (on FB) and if the conversation starts it is because I started it. (he lives about two hours from us and have seen him once in over 10 years). My honey's brother and SIL are more family to me. They live in Houston and we live in North Texas and they make special trips up here to see us. The pick up food on the way or take us out to dinner when my honey is physically able to go. (they are coming up to help me take our fur babies to the vet for toenail cutting and shots). Seriously, your family when they come should pamper both you and your Dad instead of rubbing in about trips, massages etc.

Toller, please remember that as much as you love your Dad you have to think first about yourself or you will not be able to help anyone. Take a few minutes a day to work on a favorite hobby, read, play music or just in general do something that you enjoy. Your Dad is important but you have to take care of you both physically and mentally.

I guess you say I am a fine one to talk as I didn't listen to my own advice, while I was taking care of my honey (13 years) and am now paying the price with aniexty attacks, a bad back and other issues. While he was in the hospital and rehab I got a chance to get reacquainted with myself and now have boundaries set and am standing by them. If I don't, I won't be able to help my honey, anyone else or myself. My art ( I am an animal illustrator and portrait artist) helps to keep me sane and I have started back to doing therapy exercises to help my back. Now I make sure that I find time for me. I make sure that he well cared for since he returned home and knows that he is very much loved, but I believe he understands now that I need "me" time.

Hang in there and don't give up. And please keep us posted on how you are doing.

jnwitt, your post brought tears to my eyes. I'm grateful for you and how you share with us. Thank you!

sorry to first see this post today Tollermama1, but I'm so proud of you! Pangs of guilt are so hard, but allowing yourself a much needed break will make you a better caregiver! It causes less resentment, burnout, anger, etc. You deserve it so plan your next outting! And supply your ungrateful guests with takeout menus and let them order in and pay for it!

Just to update. Told my sibs they were on their own and I left for a music fest. Still had pangs of guilt for leaving tho. Seems my one brother is the golden child, if he calls once every 6 months and visits once a yr dad treats it like the pope is in town.

Thanks Teri. I feel very fortunate in many ways. My family is far from perfect, but my oldest sister has always been a great example of the importance of family. My dad had MS and was bedridden for 35 yrs before passing in 2013. My sis lived 3 hours away for most of that time and tried to visit every month. And after my dad passed, my mom's health declined quickly so I moved 1000 miles to live with her so she could stay in the home. It was a difficult transition, partly because my adult autistic daughter lives with me and we have a few cats and a dog, but I felt that my life was more "portable" than my sibs.
All four of my sibs frequently tell me how thankful they are that I am taking care of mom. When I see these posts and comments about self centered siblings it breaks my heart for those of you who have to deal with them. But also I feel sad for them. They are missing out on caring for someone in need, and they may regret their selfish decisions after their parent is gone.

Wow! Now I'm rambling and have strayed from the topic.

Anyway I hope all of you, who are taking an active roll in caring for a parent, know that you are doing a wonderful thing and will be blessed in the future.
I'm glad we've all found the support of this wonderful online community :)

It's sad that this is such a common story. My siblings went so far as to take credit for things I did. My Mom would say "wasn't it so nice of so and so to bring me this" when in fact I had brought it. Let's just say my Mom's memory wasn't so great but they let her keep on believing they had done things and took the credit.

I know Father's Day has come and gone but if it had been me I would have said Sorry, we've made other plans. Let them holler. Too bad for them.

I would leave thm thr w dad take aday off let thm figure it out for themselves u hve spent more thn enough days w dad to celebrate a happy fathets day. You deserve all the breaks u can take.. In the same boat.

You are experiencing exactly what the main caregiver receives from the ungrateful siblings that love to pop in and judge. I too went through this similar scenario for eight long years. After Mom fell several times with the last one being the worst she had to go to the hospital and is now in a rehab/nursing home. I refuse to bring her home at this time because two of my seven siblings will make my life with Mom impossible and they just upset her and work against anything I do to help her. So I have had it and for now I am not bringing her back here. If I do this they hold me and her hostage sadly. Do not every feel you are not doing enough; you are doing way more than any of them and they should be ashamed and stop judging you and actually help with your father. If it gets too bad you can find a good nursing home that will take care of him at this stage. It is the hardest thing to do but sometimes it is the only thing left to save you.

Teri - been there, done that. It didn't go well. I kind of lost my cool one evening at the NH while I was talking to Mom. She wanted new nightgowns - I told her I couldn't afford them right then and she said, "Well, just use some of my money to get them!" I had to then explain that *her* money was not *hers* anymore - it was all going to the NH for the patient pay portion, all except $60 per month for "personal expenses", which was helping defray the cost of the $450 per month private room she had to be in when the NH ran out of suitable roommates for her to be with in a shared room - and they wouldn't put her in a shared room with an empty bed, for whatever reason. So for several months, I shelled out $450 per month on a private room out of my own pocket - thus, no new nightgowns at that time. She asked if my siblings were helping at all, and I was honest about it and said no. Bad idea.

She called the ONE sibling that she shouldn't have called and told her it was time for them to pony up and help. So then *I* got a phone call. Long story made short, no help was forthcoming. I was offered $20 a month, which was like a slap in the face compared to what I was putting out at that time, and had been in lesser amounts, for a few years.

There's a couple of ways this can go - very well, or very badly. You have to judge based on your family dynamics how you think it will go - but be warned: it may not go how you think it will. The best, most easy-going siblings can turn ugly when money or caregiving is the issue.

Has anyone ever been successful at getting the LO for whom you are caring to reach out to your/their sibs and appeal for help? I KNOW that my brother would respond more if my mother would appeal to him for help instead of continuing to enable him as she has for 62 years. She accepts his excuses and empty promises. I don't know that it would do any good with my sister; I can't even imagine how she would respond. I do know that my sister would have more trouble saying no to mom than she does saying no to me. Although I know that she works hard (as do I -- 60 hours a week, remotely at this point!) she could work out a way to help with mom if she cared to do so. Both my sibs are local, and i'm not. I'm well aware that some people are better care-givers than others, but I think that not doing anything is punking out.

Another thought -- we need a book that puts together many of the posts from this site for our sibs to read. Does anyone know if there is already a book for sibs who don't step up to the plate and provide care? There are plenty on how to care for your aging parent. My sister gave one to me!!!!

wow, Jnwitt, I am so impressed with your sister!!! Thank you for sharing that story. I'm sure that you do even more for Mom and just didn't brag about that. :) But it is reassuring to know that there is an occasional sib who steps up to the plate.

So commiserate with you here. It is the lack of understanding and emotional and tangible support for you, on a continuing basis, which is gutting, aside from the expectations you write of. It hurts and you probably feel the loss of sibling camaraderie and a bit like the Cinderella of the family. Sometimes we just have to acknowledge that loss and try and start to look out for ourselves a bit. Spell it out. "Its difficult enough doing what I am doing. I will supply........ and I need you to bring.......(drinks, nibbles, salad stuffs, deserts, decorations etc). so Dad can have the best time while you are here." And regards a breakout away, it's important to try and take that, even if you will  be thinking of your Dad during that time. Say to family, this is what is happening over this time frame and ask how the family can support Dad during this time. eg come stay, or provide finances for a care giver or respite home. YOU ARE SO NOT ALONE IN THIS :) :) :)

How did it go?

Too late for father's day, but next time they announce a visit, ask their approximate arrival time, then phone in a take-out order. Call their cell when they are close and ask them to pick it up on their way into town. Don't tell them in advance! If they have the gall to complain about picking up and PAYING for it, tell them you are too busy taking care of dad to go out and get it, and since they see dad so seldom you figured they wouldn't mind making a SMALL contribution since this special visit is making dad so happy...

As far as the cost of caregiving, can you get approved as an in-home caregiver? Adult foster care / family care? Frail elder program? Seems like "but for" your care, he would be in a nursing home.

I get the need to vent. My siblings just called in Fathers Day and two of them live within 45 minutes driving distance of him. He lives alone and has no transportation except me. He told me some people called to wish him Happy Fathers Day but he didn't know who it was. To be fair, my little sister who lives in another state did come up last week for a visit and to cover for the aid who usually makes him dinner in the evenings. (She took a 2-wk vacation.) Sister was exhausted by Thursday. Hired unemployed brother who never visits him for the first week and he, too, could not get away fast enough. At least now they know what I do on a daily basis. Dad is a nice man who needs a lot of help. I have POA and I paid them both what I would have paid the aid. I don't pay myself. But I pay for his needs out of his funds and I let them know that is where their "inheritance" is going. The more help I have to bring in, the less likely they will get one.

When the first sib comes through the door, leave saying you have to go to the store & will be back shortly. Return about 4 hours later & laugh at their complaints.

When the first

You are unappreciated. Vent away. I agree with other responders that unless they walk the walk for a couple of days they really can't begin to understand the countless things you do, the stress of having it all available, etc. Don't even put out a bowl of chips. Tell them they can take Dad out (make reservations) and stay behind in some peace and quiet. Use the feeling unwell card at the last minute. You can even suggest they bring something back for you. Sorry this is late. I'm in your shoes and can only get on the computer at work.

I don't think we can do anything about family. My husband is in a very good facility, that I visit almost daily. I see families that visit all the time and other's not at all. My Dad was in the VA in our area and it was very good; we were there all the time. He had a Dr. and nurses on staff, dinner's with people he got to know and allot of activities. The local younger vets came in often with music, parties and car shows. Its not a death sentence.

Your post and posts from others who have do-nothing siblings make me glad I'm the only child. I have to do it all alone, except for the help I hire, but don't have sibs who demand a restaurant style meal either. I'm with those who say leave when the sibs get there, or else feed them what Dad eats.

I'd say "since it's Father's Day I thought you would enjoy some special time with Dad. He has me every day so it will be a real treat for him to have you take care of him just for today and cook a nice meal. You can grind it to mush for him." Then go.

And if Dear Sis gets after you about a job, present a bill just like a home health agency would. They can pay you for Dad't care or else they can pitch in on the memory care facility. If you collapsed, they would have to take care of him, and my guess is that they would place him immediately. Vent away and do nothing for those sibs!

Toller: You have every right to vent! Wow! I am appalled at your relatives' attitudes! But praise God that you got that break to go to that music fest!

I am in your shoes. May God bless you and your dad and help guide us when this craziness ends. Then, that means your dad and my mom are in God's arms and we are left with complete and utter emptiness. We will be left alone. And it will crush us.