Is this all there is to life?

Today, is what some might call a bad day. It's the day before my dad goes to the VA hospital and I'm riding up with him because of his broken shoulder. I knew he was going a week ago - so I wanted to start packing so it wasn't the night before. However, it is. I've never had to pack for him, my mother always had - so now I'm clueless. I've asked him mulitple times to sit down with me and help me pack his bag, or atleast make me a list so I could follow it. He never did, and still hasn't. I am freaking out.

My younger siblings are gonna be here alone for a full day and one night. I'm going up with my father, which is about eight hours, and then my brother (N) is visiting his wife's mother which is two hours away so he's going to pick me up and take me back to her house, and then the next morning we are driving back home. So, I'll be gone for a while. My sister who has never been home alone for this long is so completely irresponsible. I've been cleaning like a manic, trying to organize a list of numbers for them to call, take care of my dad's business so she won't have to, make a meal plan so they don't starve (I know they won't, figure of speech) or eat all the snacks. I also have to figure out packing. It's giving me a sense of urgency that I can't control. I'm really worried about them, and I wanted them to stay with a family friend, our other older brother (M), or even our mom. But, do I get a say? Noooo.

I haven't been sleeping well either, I usually try to go to bed around 11, but I end up at my computer due to lack of sleep because I feel like I didn't get enough done that day, so I'll work on my writing, or something else. I usually don't get to sleep until 6 am, and then it's a vicious cycle. Ugh.

I'm trying to find a balance in my life, but everything is on a boat in roaring waters right now, I'm not sure when it'll smooth out or if i'm headed for a waterfall.

Sorry, I just had to vent and ramble. It's been...wild to say the least. I'm hoping a car ride will be soothing, I love them a lot. But I also know that being in a car that long might drive me crazy.

I guess - until I have another update or ramble to do,
Ana

Whew, sorry for no updates however - this new layout is still so confusing to me. I have a few updates, nothing too much.

Surprisingly, I have nothing necessarily terrible to report in this update today - which is so new and such an accomplishment in my opinion.

For starters, my dad is fairly well - his wounds are healing really well and they are almost closed up. It's been about four weeks I believe, his expected recovery time was six to eight weeks.

We've gone back to being Vegetarian, on our way to being a vegan - which I'm exceptionally happy about and I can't wait.

I've started on the second part of my Summer school, which is just math. I learned that I was quite behind in it, so I'm hoping to catch up. I finished my first part of Summer school and got the credits with okay grades :D. I'm hoping to get into the Drama club at my local HS this year as soon as I can.

My nephews are over, but it's not so hard this time, and I just feel like maybe the atmosphere in our house has helped with that. I'm so glad they are here, they deserve the world.

Also, I've been more persistent, I've really been practicing using and setting stable boundaries. It hasn't been easy. I think I've managed pretty well though.

I think the worst best news I have is that my dad leaves on the 31st of this month and goes to the VA hospital, I'm going up with him since he's taking the train (I'm super stoked to go on a train though!) I'm not sure how long he'll be gone, he hasn't been up there in almost six years - they have a lot to do.

I guess, that's all? I don't things have been okay, to say the least. I'm remembering my coping skills and trying to apply them whenever they are needed. I'm also trying to reply to other people's questions, though sometimes I don't feel as if I'm any help because I'm younger than them and/or I have never dealt with the things they have, but I'm trying.

Well, until next time
Ana

So proud of you, Ana! Small steps, one at a time, and it won’t seem so overwhelming. You are recognizing things that come from contemplation and maturity. Keep going forward and never give up on your goals. And thank you for the coping tips, I find them to be worth remembering.

I agree with everyone ana, youve found your voice and your sticking up for you. Thats great news. I hope the nursing home route is the only option. And i know if does go of course he will see you. Dont forget your his daughter. Nothing more nothing less. Keep your head up and take care.

Ana, you handled this situation wonderfully. Just remember everything you've learned so far, your coping skills, and that you can just be a normal teenager and things *will* be okay, no matter what the outcome. They truly won't fall apart. It's your dad's decision to make as to whether or not to go to a nursing home, and you were absolutely right to put that responsibility back on him.

Again, it sounds like he is just upset and angry about his situation and the things in his life that he can't control (and probably worried about having an amputation and trying to cover up his feelings with some ill-timed humor). None of this is any reflection on you, nor is it your problem to fix. He for sure knows you love him, and loves you too, and has said before himself how proud he is of you. It sounds like he's just scared.

I agree with telling your mother and brother honestly how you feel as well.

I'm proud of you too, you have come a long way already. Please keep us posted. ((Hugs))

I am so impressed! That took a lot of guts to do, and you did it well. Be proud!

I'm suspicious that when your dad has been released home in the past, he has told the nurses that his daughter would see about his wound care and even takes care of his nephews on the side. I bet the nurses assumed that you were an adult in your 20's because, let's face it, teens don't normally do what you are doing. He's letting them think you are older because they are not asking. Only homeschoolers have the flexibility that allows this kind of work.

One way to help the nurses out with their liability issues on that is to call the floor desk and ask to talk to his nurse, or talk to her when you are visiting. Tell her that you are 16 and in summer school and that you don't know how this wound came to be so bad and you don't know to care for an amputee if it comes to that.

Ask the nurse you talk to, after making it clear that you are normally the one who tends his wounds, is there a hospital or community college class on wound care that you can get *high school* credit for? That class would help your transcript at the very least, and might get you a free (scholarship) enrollment in a Certified Nursing Assistant program so you could get paid. CNA requires a GED or high school diploma and can be as short as 6 weeks, but you might be able to take the class before graduation and use it for science credit. You might be able to take that class as a dual enrollment student too. Can't hurt to ask the nurse for your dad's care, and it puts the nurses on notice that your dad's very talented daughter is trying to finish high school still and that you need more education to do a more complicated job. Maybe they can help find a way to do that! Ask, ask, ask! My husband has a saying on his desk about how many times to ask: s cubed + w cubed + n=
some will, some won't, so what, next.

I homeschool my kids, so I have understood how things were going for you all along. You have done a fantastic job explaining it, and I just wish you could be in our 4-H club and hang out with my kids.

** I statements are a positive.**
Hmm, never heard that before. But yes, makes total sense.
I learn something new everyday.
Dee, you smart little cookie you. 👍

Good for you, Ana. Just good for you!!! HE is the adult, dam' right. So proud of you. Keep updating please, hugs.

Ana,
When I read your post, I didn't read of a situation that "100% contradict my last update." I heard a very positive theme/viewpoint from your post. You stated that:
--"I told him (your dad) I was mad." {You used an "I statement". Definitely a positive}
--"only thing I'm proud of tonight, is that I stood up for myself multiple times, I told him "Not to be disrespectful, but I'm actually not sorry for not calling. Because I shouldn't have had to" {Another GREAT positive}
--"I let him talk over me once, but not after that. I refused to let him. I deserve to be heard just as much as he was. So, I told him to stop talking over me, and that I was talking - and then continued on." {Positive # 3}
--"He even tried to guilt trip me a few times, but again. I told him to stop guilt tripping me." {You told your Dad to "STOP". Positive #4}
-- "I actually told him that "I am the child, I am not going to make adult decisions anymore - if you feel like you want to be in a nursing home, then that is your choice. But stop putting that on me" ' {You used another "I statement" and told your Dad how your felt. And you handed the responsibility back to your Dad. Positives #5 & 6}
--"that I'm trying to decide if it was manipulation/guilt tripping." {You recognize that your Dad might have said those things to manipulate you. Positive #7 }
--"After all, I am not the adult. I am a child." {You recognize that at age 16, you are a child and do not need to act like an adult needs to act. Positive #8}
--"I'm afraid to tell him, it might be for the best." {You recognize your feelings. Positive #9}
--"I have no one to confide in. I'm scared to talk to my mother and brother, I know I should - they were there, they know exactly how it felt. They would understand, but I don't know." {You realize that you as a child need to talk to your Mom and your brother about what happened at the hospital." Positive #10}
--You wrote an update to the people at this forum. {Positive #11}

Ana, You are a very wise and brave and wonderful person. You have grown so much since you first started posting on this forum. Keep up the GOOD WORK!!! Remember your "Ten Second Rule" and your "Five Rule".
Good Luck & God Bless.
{{{Hugs}}} and a couple of Warm Fuzzies =^..^= [cat] & {^..^} [dog, ferret, bunny, teddy bear, whatever is fuzzy]

No ana, everything is NOT a mess!

Your father needed some attention, and got it. He went about it in a stupid way, but hey, so what. Just laugh it off.

You're making way to much out of this. Relax.

Your inital answer to his nursing home question was 100 percent right! It is his choice, you are the child and you refuse to make adult decisions. There's no reason to come up with another answer, none. Just say you have no opinion on it and you'll support whatever choice he makes, PERIOD.

Yes, it is manipulation. It's a head game, he's playing. He wants sympathy

Go to work and be proud! You did wonderful and you did it under pressure!!! Great job!

Puts some music on, get dressed, dab on a bit of make up, then bounce out of the house with your head held high! You go girl!💄💃

This is going to 100% contradict my last update. However, within 8 hours my whole, perceptive has flipped. The switch has flipped, just like it always does.

Around 9:30, I was getting ready for bed. My dad texts me out of the blue saying "He did it, he had the surgery" He went online to find a guy who looked similar, that had his left leg amputated. The same leg my dad has with the infection. The same leg that doctors for a month, have been threatening to cut off.

My brother called me soon after, asking if Dad was saying this stuff to me as well. I was immideatly upset, because A) he got the surgery, without even telling us. B) He was playing a sick joke.

On the way there my brother's wife had found that picture online, so we knew it was fake right away.

When we got there, I was in tears, my brother was mad as a hornet because he had lied. My mother, was obviously upset as well. My brother, left as soon as we saw our Dad smiling and laughing.

I was a mess, I told him I was mad. My brother, quit his job as the caregiver and basically disowned him tonight.

I was mad, about the joke. He apologized, but kept making excuses, kept blaming this whole thing on me and my brother. He was mad that we were mad and couldn't take a joke.

He started to get upset saying I should have called him. Of course, I told him I was sorry for not calling. I took the blame, I let him blame me for his mistake. His screw up again.

The only thing I'm proud of tonight, is that I stood up for myself multiple times, I told him "Not to be disrespectful, but I'm actually not sorry for not calling. Because I shouldn't have had to" and I let him talk over me once, but not after that. I refused to let him. I deserve to be heard just as much as he was. So, I told him to stop talking over me, and that I was talking - and then continued on. He even tried to guilt trip me a few times, but again. I told him to stop guilt tripping me.

Now, the big thing is that, he told me that he would go to a nursing home if that's what I wanted. First off, it isn't what I want - though it would be easier. Second, and I actually told him that "I am the child, I am not going to make adult decisions anymore - if you feel like you want to be in a nursing home, then that is your choice. But stop putting that on me"

He said a lot of things, that I'm trying to decide if it was manipulation/guilt tripping. I can't decide if he was saying those things, because they were true - or if it was guilt tripping/manipulation.

Out of all of that, the hardest thing to here was that hew wishes that the Lord would take him, so he wouldn't be a burden. This isn't the first time I've heard this from him, and I know it won't be that last. I'm just trying to decide if its manipulation or not. If it isn't, I feel bad. Do I not make him feel wanted enough? Too much of a burden?

Now, I'm going back to the hospital after work. I kinda think, that maybe he should stay in a nursing home - at least for a while. After all, I am not the adult. I am a child. I feel like I know the answer to this question, but I'm afraid to answer it. I'm afraid to tell him, it might be for the best. He's told me before though, that if he does go to a nursing home, he wouldn't see us. He wouldn't want us to come see him.

Everything, is such a mess. I have no one to confide in. I'm scared to talk to my mother and brother, I know I should - they were there, they know exactly how it felt. They would understand, but I don't know.

I'm hoping though, by just these words and a summary of tonight - someone will read this before I see him again and can offer some 3rd party advice.

I have a lot to think about, I also have work in 5 hours, so with this update,
Ana

Proud of you ana. Truly keep doing what your doing. One step at a time. Thats all it takes. Im so sorry to hear about your dad. Family is so important and you havent forgotten. That makes me smile. Take care.

Hi Ana,

Hugs! I'm sorry to hear your dad is in the hospital, but on the flip side I'm really happy to hear that you are taking care of you, and working on your goals and dreams and school.

Of course your dad will still love and want you, Ana, I wouldn't worry about that. If he gets mad, I'm sure it's more about his illness and the things in his life that he can't control than anything. Deep down, I'm sure he wants these things for you too, and for you to just be a normal 16 year old. I'm glad you are realizing that you can be, and that things will be okay and not fall apart.

It sounds like you've learned some good coping skills too. And your goals sound exciting. Once you graduate, you might look into some college foreign exchange programs that could help make your dream of going to Europe a reality. I have a cousin who lived abroad in college through a program like that and she said it was a great experience and she met a lot of wonderful people and learned a lot.

I'm just really glad to hear from you on here, and please keep us posted and let us know how you are doing, and how your school, writing, and your other goals are coming along.

It's been 3 months since I started this thread, about 140 replies, and lots of tears poured out into this long, long post. I'm happy to reply with some good news.

Yesterday, was full of tears. My dad is still in the hospital, and yesterday was just a mess.

I haven't done much house cleaning since he's been in, my brother N, his caregiver had come in and done it. I haven't cooked dinner once, I've either gotten it take out, my mother drop something off, or just had my younger siblings figure it out. (They are 11 and 13, they aren't babies), I haven't touched my dad's online business much, I've stayed up late watching Netflix and talking with my best friend. I've gone to work early in the morning, got a bus or my mother to take me to the DMV for my knowledge test. I've worked on my summer school, I've complete 2 out of the three 3 classes, and I have 3 days left for the last class. What's this? One might ask, this - this is what I call being a normal child, a normal 16 year old.

Yesterday, I cried. For about a good 2 hours, dry tears and wet. I cried about how I was stuck in this unbreakable cycle, this life I knew I wasn't happy with. I cried because I realized I have been pushing down, and putting things on the back burner I've been wanting to do since before my parent's divorce. It wasn't until I realized, that the household did not fall apart, we were still able to pay bills, my siblings did not get sick, and my dad did not get bad care. I realized, that even though I neglected all of the things that normally send me into a full out mental breakdown and stress filled anxiety. It was fine, everyone is fine. I haven't seen much of my nephews - they haven't stayed for weeks, but they are okay. They are growing, they are being fed, they are being taken care of.

I realize now, that I can be a daughter without having the pressure and obligation to also take care of the household. I can be a sixteen year old child, not a sixteen year old grown up.

I have plans, things I want before I'm 17. I'm going to start acting classes, and signing up with a talent agency around my home. I'm gonna start painting and writing again, I'm gonna lose all the weight I gained from binging and stress eating. I'm gonna take care of myself, save my money so one day I can be in Europe - living MY life.

I do realize, there will be many set-backs. I know that when my dad gets out of the hospital and I talk to him about this, he might resent me, he might get mad at me. I know he loves me though, so I have to trust he will still want me. I know, my siblings will be furious that they are gonna have to step up and share the plate. But I survived doing in all by myself, they can survive too.

So, I think I'm gonna be okay - at least for now, especially within the next ten seconds, nothing is going to fall apart.

That reminds me, I learned some new coping skills, for well anything. I use them, if I feel like I'm going to have a complete breakdown at the wrong place and time, feel like giving up, feel like everything is going to fall apart, when I feel self harm urges, or even disorder eating habit urges,

Ten Second Rule : In my experience, nothing can go wrong in ten seconds, you can withhold anything for atleast ten seconds. So I count to ten, and then if need be I restart my count.

My Five Rule. - good for stress and worry
Will the problem matter in 5 seconds or 5 minutes? No? Then you can't worry about it. Yes? Well, find a 3 minute solution then.
Will the problem matter in 5 days or 5 weeks? No? Good, don't fret. Yes? Take some time, and figure out the best move.
If it will matter in 5 months or 5 years, it definitely is something to take care of, but you have time.

I also, if I need to contact an anonymous hotline, they are great help for urgent matters.

So, I'm trying. And I'm proud of me for that.

I hope you are all well,
Ana

So sorry to hear that your dad is going through so much ana. Hopefully you can find something positive about everything and focus on that. School is one thing, that your keeping up with school is a big deal. Proud of you for that. And writing is a great thing too! Do you keep a journal? When i was your age i loved writing in a journal. Reading it 30 something years later it makes me laugh. If i only knew then what i know now. So im going to leave you with only encouraging words. Your future will be bright, because your heart is good. Take care.

Your nephews need to be in foster care, NOT under your care.
You have enough on your plate!
There, someone had to say it.

Why the doctors would not do the necessary scans/tests for bone infection the first time is beyond me.

Hey Guys,

Sorry about the no updates. It's been really hard around here. Unfortunately this another rant/bad update. I'm hoping soon I can do a happy one.

So, Sunday the first, I went to ER with my dad at about five in the morning. I'm not sure if I mentioned this - but about a month ago he hit his leg which caused a hematoma (which is pooling of blood under the skin or something?) They did surgery to release and clean it out. His surgical wounds have been healing better than anyone expected. Every single doctor was impressed. Though, they did have suspicion of a bone infection, unfortunately they did nothing to see and confirm. They actually refused to, both hospitals.

All weekend my dad was not feeling well, he was running about 100 degree fever and he finally had enough and decided it was best to go in. They still, suspected it might be a bone infection so they admitted him again. Yesterday, they were going to send home without an MRI once again. Luckily, my dad refused to come home without one.

They did find a bone infection, several actually. The largest spot being about 1.2 cm. They have already started talking about taking his leg off. He said three doctors have been in to see him - and that's what they all suggest.

As you can imagine, everyone must have a million questions and thoughts and reasons to or not to take his leg off. Unfortunately, I think mine might be selfish. And I hate it, and I hate myself for thinking the reasons why he should keep his leg. Why we should try other treatments before going to that.

The reasons I have, are mainly revolved around life at home. Though, these aren't all the reasons, they are in my opinion the ones I hate the most.

Obviously, I'm gonna have to put college off. It took my family YEARS to adjust to him being paralyzed with both legs. That was with my mom. I can't imagine getting use to one leg, and it just being me and my younger siblings. I can't just leave. Not with this, not if this happens. I know it makes me a terrible person to still want to. To have this be a reason.

Another being, I already know, that at my wedding there's about a 95% chance I'm gonna get to dance with my dad. About a 10% chance he'll walk. I have this image of us dancing, most of it comes from dreaming and watching too many movies. But I want that. I want to dance with my dad. I know, we can do it still. While he's in his chair, but it won't be the same. When I was younger, like probably from when he was paralyzed to ten years old I would pray he would walk again. Every night, that's all I would pray for. I stopped when I was ten. Probably because, I felt as if God didn't hear me, that or he must have not cared enough. But I have always had this hope he would. I do research trying to figure out how to help him, how to get him to walk again. I know, that if he loses his leg - that hope will die. That dream of me dancing with him like in the movies will die and I'll have to lock it in a box and throw it away.

Hope, is really the only thing I have going for me. I can only hope things get better. I can only hope he'll walk again. I can only hope that one day I'll wake and everything will be a dream. Hope, is a funny thing. Everyone has it at some point, most people lose it - and if you haven't lost it at some point during a tragedy or during a hard life - you're insane.

He's pretty much tolerant of antibiotics, he's used them for years. If they have to scrape the bone - he'll go up to the VA Spinal Cord center in Washington. Right now, they want to try antibiotics for three months (I think that's what he said)

I know that if the antibiotics or scraping his bone doesn't work, he'll have to take his leg off or he'll die. Believe me, I'd rather him have no legs than die. I just, I don't know.

I have no idea how our family got so cursed, and I know that sounds pitiful, I shouldn't complain because other have it worse. But personally, this is worse. This is my worst.

So as of now, I'm doing it alone. I'm trying my best to keep the household running - thank God my brother is able to swing by and help a bit in the mornings.

Okay, so I'm gonna try to answer some questions, explain a few stuff, and end this on a positive note? Let's do this.

1. @surprise. My oldest brother (Let's call him M) smokes medical marijuana. So no, it's not illegal. Unfortunately my oldest nephew (call him V) has a different mother, she isn't much better and he was actually taken from her and placed with his dad. My youngest nephew (A) has the mother that my brother is with now. They both smoke. So unfortunately, there isn't any help there.

2. @tacy022 I have four older siblings. Two of them live out of state and I don't have any contact with them. My oldest brother M, like stated before - isn't any help. My older brother (Calling him N) helps a little. He comes in the mornings and helps with my dad. He gets him up and cleans up a bit. However, he and his wife are expecting a baby any day now and they already a 4 year old. So, as much as he tries - he isn't that great.

Okay, positive notes???

I've been doing fairly well in Summer School, due to this week I'm a bit behind, but I'm hoping to work on that over the next week. My niece will be here any day and I'm extremely excited!!

Next week is my town fair, and I always look forward to it. I'm hoping to build up the courage and ask a boy from church to go with. I kinda like him, and he may like me too??? I don't know, I feel so girly talking about it, because I always end up blushing and it's ridiculous for me. The only problem, he's the brother of my friend and I'm not sure how to deal with that. I know that I have to remember she was my friend before he was a stupid crush.

I'm really into writing again. It's nice to get away from reality. I'm currently writing two romance novels. I don't know, I have a thing for stupid romance novels. They are of course age appropriate so don't worry LOL.

It's nearly 4 am, and I have work in about an hour and half - so that's fun. Luckily, I was up all night writing and not crying. That's a plus.

Thank you, so much for listening and responding and just being there. You're all strangers, people who don't even know me. Yet, somehow I've found most, if not all my support from this webpage. So thank you,

Ana.

Hi Banana, I got busy too. I am so sorry your cat died and went over the rainbow bridge. Now, the funny thing about that is that I saw the "rainbow bridge" at Niagara Falls and we went over to see if any of our dogs were over there. Nope, there must be another rainbow bridge somewhere - no dogs around, only tourists. Hope that made you smile a little.

Question - your brother said he smoked too much? Drugs? That would be enough to have him transfer his guardianship to their mama for a better life, not your family. You may love them so much, but you have to take care of yourself first so you can help them later. There is also the possibility that the mama, knowing that you are a nice person and trying to help her boys, would take in your sister and brother. Or maybe someone in her family would take them. You have to take care of yourself first.

I'm thinking that grieving your cat is also grieving those things you wish were just so that will never be able to be just so. I'm so sorry.

Hi Everyone.

Sorry I haven't responded in a week.(?) Everything's been hectic with a touch of sadness. I've been feeling extremely overwhelmed with life. There's been a few changes - and I'm not really sure I can handle it.

For starters, I started Summer School yesterday, and I've already had a full on breakdown over it. There are fewer lessons but they are super long. There's 8 units, with about 20 topics each. I'm in 3 classes, so with only four weeks, 24 units, and 60 lessons. It's a lot. By the end of this week we have to at least have a full unit from each class complete or I get dropped from the program - and I really need this.

Our cat died last week, he was about 14 - so yes, he was old. But he was so healthy, he was apart of our family. I know it irrelevant to this post, but it is something that has really affected me.

Last but not least, my brother threw his boys on us again! He says he super stressed and he's smoked all he could and it's not a good environment for the boys and blah blah blah.

It drives me insane, I love those boys to death - I do. Which is pretty much the only reason they are staying here again. I literally don't have any idea for how long.

What about me? Hmm? What about my stress?

Ugh! It makes me want to scream and cry. But, I do. Just not loud enough for anyone to hear it.

So, I'd love to respond to your lovely messages and to say a few good things that have happened. But I'm tired right now.

So, hopefully soon I'll chirp up and reply with a kinder message.

Until then,
Ana.

Hi Ana...I know I said this before but hang in there. You are in a difficult situation. You do have people here that care. I agree with Pepsee. There are people who will still be here for you and I am one of them. And though you may not be ready to take the steps or advice it does not mean we will desert you. Please keep posting and let us know how are you are doing and how things are going.

Anabanana,
It is a Friday, and Fridays can be difficult. Do you go out with friends ever, or have a boyfriend? What do you do over a weekend?

I trust and believe you are here for the right reasons. Hope everything with you is good today. Take care

Hey, Banana, I just came across your posts. (I'm allergic to peanuts, Pepsee!)

I want you to know that I was a prisoner in my house from about 7th grade- 18. It was a horrible horrible time, and I remember many nights crying and wondering if there was anything else. I got through by concentrating on one thing in the next week or two that might be a bright spot. Work would have been a welcome respite from my misery!

I still - 30 years later - have a lot of anger towards those who should have reported my situation and rescued me out of my he!!. I certainly did not want to get mthr in trouble, but I needed to have someone who cared for me more than they did her.

I recently ran into this when I was worried about my son who came home from college depressed with horrible grades. I changed the gun safe combination before he came home so he could not misuse the gun we keep for predator control. When he found out I'd changed it, he was furious. I told him that was fine for him to be angry with me the rest of my life, but I loved him too much to allow something to happen to him with that gun. I can live with his anger or even not speaking to me again; I can't go on if he's dead by something I could prevent.

You need to be so worried about your siblings' future, to love them enough, that you are willing for them to be mad with you for the rest of your life. They need help out of this toxic situation as well. If you have an adult who is willing to take you all in, I believe Child Protective Services prefers to have family or close friends take in the kids to bypass foster care. However...


Seriously, the only help I found came from a church which screwed up time and again, but they were trying. They show their faith by helping people, and the person does not have to be that faith, a member, or anything like that. Talk to some church people, and summer is the time when they are least busy. Perhaps they can give you and your siblings opportunities to get out of the house and go to events at their church, and even give you rides to them. Anything to give you some glimmer of hope to look forward to in a week or two.

Hi Ana🤗,
It's ok if you don't reach out and try to get help for yourself and family right now.

To us it seems like it's easier then it is to you. You're there looking at your dad in the flesh, and it's scary, I'm sure.

Eating disorders, self harm and drug & alcohol abuse all comes from the same place.

That make us feel good. It's crazy but if we bleed from cutting, it releases dopamine in our brains. Which is a feel good chemical. When we eat and vomit, it does the same.

We do this because we don't have coping skills. We don't know how to stop the bad feelings. We weren't taught how.

What you're doing here, on this site, is one way to cope. It's talk therapy. And the most important part of that is, YOU talking! So great job Peanut! What feedback you may get isn't as important as you getting your feelings out. Especially since everyone is saying the same thing to you. And you're just not ready to take that step right now. So yeah, what you're reading here is overwhelming.

But please understand, our hands are tied and that makes us feel desperate. We just want to help you, but we really can't.

So Peanut, keep talking! Me and some really sweet souls will keep listening. We'll try to give you some direction and guidence with the individual challenges you're facing. Without judgment. I know I will not hammer you to do anything you're not ready to do.

People will get bored and frustrated and leave this thread. That's a good thing though. Some of us will accept you, right where you are and still be here for you. I sure will.

If you ever want my email address, just PM me and no one needs to know.

Big cyber Huggz Peanut. Don't give up!

The older siblings, if I recall, are responsible for landing Ana with extra child minding. Perhaps they think she doesn't have enough to do.

Good job sticking up for yourself Ana.
You explained yourself, without putting Tacy down in return.
I don't think you are rude, but you are very strong.

Yes Ana, we love you. I personally do believe you 100%. I believe you've felt overwhelmed and stressed out and are in need of help and support. I think if it were made up, you could've made a lot of money writing a novel, and wouldn't be writing it here :)

Take care of you and get some rest, and always feel free to share your heart here. People may disagree but that's okay, don't let it discourage you. You have many here who are pulling for you and want to see you succeed.

I wanted to address a few things that tacy022 said, as well as some stuff you might have though.

First off, the job I work isn't like an actual job. I babysit for this lady. I call it work because I get paid and I have set hours, as well as an employer. I'm sorry if I did not make this clear.

I'm not sure how the schooling doesn't make sense. I go through an online academy? I can explain further if need be.

About the social worker thing and the hospital. My dad is usually pretty private about our home life. What he does tell nurses and staff, they usually respond with "I'd be proud of her" or "You've really got a good daughter there" Something along those lines.

I can understand why some of you might think this is all made up, for attention or to cause a stir. Oh look at the poor 16 year old. Blah Blah Blah. The thing is, this stuff - you can't make up. The things I do on the daily, they don't show that in movies or books.

It just sucks, because I found a place to vent. To completely open up, and I'm told that it's all too bad to be true. Funny right.

I'm sorry if I seem rude in this reply.
Ana.

P.S. I'm going to respond to the other posts in the morning. It's much too late now lol.

Dear Ana, One day I hope you look back on these difficult days and smile with confidence, that your faith carried you to triumph, and know it will again and again. It’s in these trying moments, when we are on our knees and in complete despair, that we can be stirred to action. You don’t sound like a quitter to me, and it’s totally natural for you to feel out of control inside due to the out of control situation. Coping with the stress is what you have to be aware of - recognizing your triggers and exercising a different method than, for example, throwing up. One of my triggers was the “fuck it bite.” I’d eat, then once I’d pass that one bite too much, it was all over and I’d just binge to make throwing up easier. It was so hard to learn what set me off in that direction, but I put a name on it and learned to avoid it, or at least recognize it. I had a very hard time (and still do) confiding in anyone for help, but thankfully there have been random people and moments along the way that helped me turn my life around. You have to be open to it, and honest about what you need. Look for the helpers in every situation. And as you struggle with the daily frustrations, do what you did right here - always end with what’s going Right in your life. In these two short months, you got back on track with school, got a job, talked to your dad expressing how you feel (doesn’t matter how he responded - what matters is the change in YOU!) and keep us updated. Keep going up!

Sorry Ana....did not clarify on the last paragraph. This group that I mentioned in the last paragraph are the wonderful and caring people here on this forum. Whether a person is just wanting to get things out in the open so you can see it more clearly or looking for advice...they are great.