I’m an only child caring for my mother who recently had a stroke. Feeling guilty that I sometimes get upset with her. Please no judgement. Any advice?

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I’m an only child caring for my mother who recently had a stroke. Feeling guilty that I sometimes get upset with her. Please no judgement. Any advice?

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I, too, am an only child with a 91 year old mom. It is really tough, as we don’t have siblings to share our burden, our joy, or our memories of our childhood with—our mom is indeed “our world.” She is that connection to our past. So as they age, and we age, accepting whatever comes along with that aging—health issues, memory loss, loss of physicality, is hard. It is hard on you and on her. Time doesn’t stand still.

I find that a therapist helps. Allowing friends to help you when they are able is a a good option. Invite them in to visit with her while you go do something for you. Meditation is great too; try the calm app.

And this article really helped me. https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiver-fix-it-mentality-leads-to-burnout-152629.htm

We can’t fix old. We, especially as only children, have such an allegiance to our parents, and we fight like hell internally to push back the clock. Accepting what is will free you of some of that anxiety, fear and guilt.

Take it a day at a time. You are doing the best you can. She knows you love her and she loves you. And when you start to lose your patience, step back and take deep breaths.

Work on building a support system with outside help—friends, skilled nursing, groceries delivered, etc. Having activities and dates on the calendar for you, and only you, will help you tremendously. Put in place some supports for mom when you step out and do something you enjoy—whatever it is. We, only children, also think no one can do it better than we can. We need to control it all, but we can’t. One of her friends or your friends can sit with her while you take some time for you.

Hang in there. I get it.

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I find the calm app and green Noise very helpful for sleep . I will watch the green Noise app for sleep over and over again on Instagram .

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I’m full time caregiver to my 91 yr old mother and lose patience and get the guilt..I have video cameras in the home so wgen I go to supermarket I can watch her on my iPhone .,they are sold on Amazon ie Vimtag and so easy to setup amd onky$30-50 bucks each

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Summergirl, my heart goes out to you.

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My least favorite memory of caregiving is when the rehab center was determining whether I could take my LO home and be a responsible caregiver. I got the steely eye from the social worker, who had asked me about my life and my career. She said, "Well, you can forget all that. You're a caregiver now." Very tactless, but she was right.

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I had someone tell me something similar. Basically that my life as I know it is over and I must pack up and move to be near my father. I told them that caregiving is a choice, my choice, and I will do what I can do from where I was but that I would continue live my life. We often forget that it is A CHOICE. Nobody can force you to be a caregiver.

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I would consider getting help for yourself to iron out the realities of the situation, the facts, the ways you feel your reactions are not quite on level with the situation. I would consider the counseling of a Certified Licensed Social Worker in private practice counseling as they are often the very best at understanding life transitions work; it's what they deal with in their work. I think this will help you getting a more realistic view of what to expect from your Mom ongoing (as this will become worse, not better) and of your own wishes, intentions, limitations to keep doing inhome care and a full time job. I long knew I was not cut out to do in home care, no matter how I loved my family, and I was a nurse. My limitations would never have allowed this.
Meanwhile, until you get a bit of support for yourself, be easy on yourself. We are none of us Saints nor up for Sainthood. We all make mistakes; we all get frustrated and act out of that frustration. A sit down, look in they eye and tell someone we LOVE them, and recognize that we can be frustrated and inappropriate, with a heart-felt apology will go such a long way to let Mom know you love her.
I sure wish you the best.

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Thank you so much. I have only just seeing a psychologist as well and hope in time my emotional state will improve.

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Sorry you and Mom are going through such a rough time. Working from home is still a workday; you need time to focus on your work. If you're not self-employed, can/have you take(n) some leave time? Is FMLA an option?

And, honestly, there isn't a caregiver who hasn't gotten impatient with their loved one at some point. See it more as resenting the condition that's causing the need to repeat things endlessly. And there's a point where we have to acknowledge the new Way Things Are.

If Mom isn't eligible for skilled home care, can you hire someone to come in for a few hours a week? Veterans and spouses are eligible for home services through the Department of Veterans Affairs. I found this info on your State's website:

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Elder Services of Merrimack Valley and Northshore
800-892-0890
Assistance with home care, care management, Meals on Wheels, support for seniors and caregivers.
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Give yourself a break. It's human to react as you're reacting. Getting help to help your mom should alleviate some of the stress on you both. You could also:
~ Take advantage of stroke caregiver support groups (search at www.stroke.org) for practical things you can do for yourself and Mom.
~ Play music; it's a powerful mood management tool
~ Don't forget your spiritual life. What comforts and drives your hope for the
future can keep you grounded.
~ If your employer has an employee assistance program, see what that can offer
~ Deep breaths

Best wishes. Be well.

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Thank you so much. I will indeed look for external support.

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Hi Summer! Well met fellow only, still working, caring for elderly mom! It's a handful isn't it. And yes, I do have the screaming meemees sometimes. It's just part of the process, I think. The pattern is thus: Repeat request/question 5 or 6 times, patient does/says something to the complete opposite of request (or does something a tad whacky), lose patience with patient, yelling ensues, patient pouts/cries/etc., then feel like an utter creep. I had been to therapy years ago and didn't find it very helpful (and I work for/with therapists so that I have a jaded view in their regard--though for severe mental health issues they are very, very helpful). And let me say, "gurl, it does not yet easier, but you adapt to the circumstances." You'll need to hire some part time help at the very least. This way you can go to work or food shopping or screaming into the night if you so wish. Most of self-care or "fun times" are gone with the wind. The most difficult part is accepting that your lives have changed and not for the better. Once you let go of the fantasy of having time for yourself or a social life, the anger subsides a little. Eventually, you'll build some time for calls or texts with friends and if you are lucky, you'll be able to take mom on outings with you (though it will be a bit difficult). You can do this!!!!!!!! You are normal in your reactions!!!! Get some help on board, even if it's for three hours a day (or even three days a week)!!!!

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Thank you so much. I do indeed think of my previous life where I was carefree and did whatever I wanted to do. Maybe I’m in denial but I believe that in time my mum will improve somewhat. She can hold a conversation and with the help of a walker can get around. I took her out for lunch today and we both had a lovely time. I plan to take her out again tomorrow. It’s her memory that’s been affected and what I find hardest to come to terms with however I am hoping that it will improve somewhat as it’s still early days - that’s what I’m praying for.

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If Mom can afford it, maybe have someone come in when PT and OT are not there. Really, if you were working outside the home You would need to hire someone. If Mom is considered low income, maybe Medicaid could help.

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First I will say that all of us who have cared for a loved one has lost their patience with them at one point or another, but then I will say that that is usually a sign that we are getting burned out and that we MUST find relief some way.
You are learning quickly that you CANNOT be her one and only for much longer, so it may be time to hire(with moms money)some in home help to come in at least a few days a week to give you a break so you can go and do the fun things you enjoy. You can also look into taking her to an Adult Day Care Center in your area for again at least a few days a week(she could go up to 5 days if needed)to give you a break.
I would also recommend buying some inexpensive security cameras(I used Blink)that you can place throughout the house so that when you do go out and about you can check on her through your phone to make sure she's ok, and you can talk to her through them and hear her as well. They're worth every penny.
I used them when my husband was completely bedridden in our home the last 22 months of his life and I too was his only caregiver. It gave me the freedom to go to the grocery store, lunch or supper with friends, or just walk around my neighborhood, knowing that I could check in on him anytime.
You MUST take care of yourself!!! You are just as important as your mom, so start looking into getting some help brought in to assist you before you reach your breaking point.
God bless you.

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Thank you so much for your wonderful advice.

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This is a very stressful situation and won't get better soon. There are follow-on issues to strokes that no one tells you about at the outset, so be prepared. It would be good to line up help that you can call on when you need it - sitters, household help, etc. Another thing that concerns me is, "she is my world." That's very sweet, but you need to think about expanding your world so that she isn't all of it. You're going to need to build a support group so you can get out once in a while. Being enmeshed in a stroke patient's life will seem like running on a hamster wheel, because you'll be reminding her of the same thing over and over ad infinitum. There are stroke support groups, so maybe you should contact one and see what they offer for both of you. Good luck, and I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

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You're under a great deal of stress, and *both* of you are learning a 'new normal'. The fact that you know you need to do better tells me you're on the right path. I don't know if it's possible or not, but try to get as much of an hour of exercise every day, brisk if possible, but even a walk will do. I would go bonkers without it.

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Thank you for your advice. Unfortunately I have been advised by her OT and Physio that I shouldn’t leave her alone for a few weeks so I’m literally stuck at home. I had to get a prescription filled for her one evening and left her alone for a short while but had her on the phone speaking to me until I got home. It’s a very difficult situation.

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I’m an only child caring for my mother who recently had a stroke. Feeling guilty that I sometimes get upset with her. Please no judgement. Any advice?

41 Answers

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