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Wow! I think you received a firm response to your question here! But there's one thing that I didn't see mentioned. WHAT A FABULOUS SON YOU HAVE! To want to take you on vacation and even made all the arrangements??? Sounds like you have raised a wonderful man. One that will probably be more than happy to care for you when you are old.....but please, let him go on vacations without guilt!
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AndreaE Jun 2019
Oh yes...I have 2 wonderful sons and a great daughter who is busy going to work and college so she's super busy. I already told them if I needed extra help medically I am perfectly happy finding a senior living home so I'm not a burden. They deserve all of the happiness in life. Thank you for the kind words 🙂🙂
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Definitely GO!!!! You deserve to have a life. Your mom apparently has not taken responsibility for her own health and for 74 has a lot of ailments. THAT is not your fault. My mom who is 92 and lives with me again is also somewhat manipulative and even if I have to go run errands will sometimes call me and wonder why it takes so long to do such and such. I haven't had a real vacation in about 5 years but do get away for a short day trip or even overnight occasionally. Recently the one brother I had that would come and pick her up and give me a respite - died suddenly at 69. He had only been retired for about a year and a half. He had so many dreams and plans. My mom is of course taking it hard as we all are. I'm starting to feel more and more like I'm on an island with just me and my mom. I will eventually have to get some in-home care. I also had a friend that offered to come and spend the night so that I could get away and my mom said "she didn't want that!". Well I'm sorry but I will need to get away soon and she is going to accept it whether she likes it or not!! She has stolen so many years of my life and she has had her life. I'm the youngest and only 58 and am young at heart and I want to go, do, see things. So you just have to put yourself first and your foot down or they will run your life! Life is short and tomorrow is not promised to anyone. Good luck and enjoy Vegas!!!! Your son sounds like a really nice young man to do that for you!
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deltaborn Jun 2019
When you said you feel as if you are on an island, it touched my heart. I know how you feel. My worst fear & biggest nightmare is that I'll wind up with my mother living with me. I am the child that my mother never liked. She reminds me of that often. My brother & sister have passed on so she is stuck with me & my grown children. I know the feeling that by the time you have the freedom to go out & enjoy life, you may be too old to do it. I know the stress & panic that creates, not to mention the frustration. I have found that over the past 10 years that I have been my mother's only caregiver, any love that I might have felt for her has eroded bit by bit until now, I can think of her & get an overwhelming feeling of dread. Every day of my life is filled with tasks that I have to accomplish for her. I plan my day around her & her needs. By the time I've performed my job & taken care of her needs, I'm so exhausted that any thoughts of doing something I want to do fly out the window. Vacation? Forget it. Someone has to be nearby to take care of her. I'm left feeling "what did I do that was so horrible to deserve this?" when what I should be feeling is "I am so thankful to have my mother alive & with me". That is the part that hurts. I take her to the doctor & I see other women my age with their mothers & they seem so loving & like they are so happy together....and then there's us barely tolerating one another. Anyway....good luck and God bless.
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GO!!! My mom did this EVERY time we tried to go way (and we kept it local in case something happened).... There was always an EMERGENCY and things had to be cut short. Loss of precious family time & loss of $$$, not going to refund, because we have to leave earlier. It is a definite game, to try & control you. I get that they need us, but we need our space as well. Go, she will be fine and if not, she can call 911.
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gdaughter Jun 2019
A good reminder that there is trip cancellation insurance, but usually it must be bought soon after reservations are made. I too have kept my vacations more local...very lucky to be in a spot with numerous pet friendly hotels. Just the luxury of not being awoken...
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Go!!!!!!!! My mom is 91 and has COPD, had 2 mild heart attacks (one twenty years ago). At the time drs said she would likely have only 3-5 years left. She's now in a retirement home where she gets great care. I often go on vacation with my sister (who's also my best friend). We have funeral arrangements made, POA for health care is transferred to my SIL he's a physician, when we're away.
The first trip away was difficult but it has gotten easier every time we do it. I can't live my life waiting for my mother to die.
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Only you can allow her to sabotage your vacation. PLEASE do not let her! Go, relax, enjoy yourself, and be grateful that you have such a good son.
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Go....
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YES! Go for the week. Let your mom know that, while you love her, the demands of your life require a break. Burnout comes with more than emotional depletion, it can have long-term health consequences for you. Caregivers sometimes die before the one being cared for because they do not take care of themselves, leaving the loved one (mom) without any living choices except for a nursing home.

Arrange for someone to come into the home (paid if necessary) to help mom and to give you a much needed respite. If mom feels you're spending to much money, ask her to help by not making you find a professional but by cooperating with sister and other son.

Go to Vegas. Leave your phone at home. Son can carry his phone for emergencies. You go 'unplugged' and unplug the pressure cooker within you.

Know this: if mom 'crashes', as you stated it, 911 can transport her to the hospital for a week. She'll be in good hands. ;)
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JesusLove1976 Jun 2019
Would be nice if she can leave phone home, except her son's phone can get equally burned up. So, it can only work if there is a way to block her mom's calls while others can reach her for emergency.
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Please go on your trip!   You only live once.   Your mom lived her life.  You will be resentful if you do not go.  Plus you need a break and some fun!  I go to LV twice a year...my favorite place!!   You will have so much fun.  Please please go.  You will regret it.  Tell your mom you are going and go!
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YES, of course you go - AND you do not worry about your mother whilst you are away. If we are honest one day she is going to have an episode and will not be "recoverable". This will happen whether you are there or not, and if it happens when you are away you will in no way be to blame. You may be home when it happens, you may be out shopping, you may be with her at Drs, you may be on holiday. It is like thinking the fridge will catch fire whilst you are out - if it happens time and day will be totally random. I don't know if she is being deliberately manipulative in the lead up to your holiday, if so she seems to be choosing to try and have bad health - there is a name for wanting medical attention in addition to attention seeking. Go away and don't think about it (in so far as you are able not to), don't phone up - your son can phone you if required. She has refused all reasonable arrangements, YOU need a break - Go away and have a great break. Hugs x
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Yes go. If she realizes her manipulations worked she will do them again and again. Show her despite her best efforts your plans WILL go on. I’m realizing more and more some elderly parents revert to small children again with their tactics and behavior. It’s mind boggling.
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Go on your vacation! You deserve it! It does not mean you love your mom any less. The important thing is not to get burned out because then your health can get effected. Go with your son and have a good time for a week. You mom will be fine and your sister and other son can look after her if anything happens.
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Yes go on this one and before you come back plan the next.  You are in a long term caregiver scenario and need to preserve your mental health.  Tell her it's already settled and not up for discussion.  Don't be surprised how far she will take this to attempt to manipulate you but still hold your ground.  You deserve this.
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Boy, she's in horrible shape for someone of 74. Not your fault. Make sure she knows how to dial 911 and go enjoy Vegas with your son. Your other son should take some time off at the same time.
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Yes go on this one and before you come back plan the next.  You are in a long term caregiver scenario and need to preserve your mental health.  Tell her it's already settled and not up for discussion.  Don't be surprised how far she will take this to attempt to manipulate you but still hold your ground.  You deserve this.
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A close friend of mine, mid 50s, husband late 50s. She moved her 85-year old mom into their house, and their vacations stopped. My friend and her husband had previously enjoyed weekend beach getaways. They figured they would resume those when mom passed away. Husband had a heart attack at age 59, died. My friend regrets their decision to stop the things they had enjoyed previously. This past Sunday, I went to the funeral of a 51-year old friend of my husband. Last September, my 55-year old sister-in-law died.

Last year my elderly mom tried to sabotage my vacation, which was scheduled just a few weeks after we buried my sister-in-law. She told me "there would be time for my husband and I to vacation in the future" and she thought we should not leave. We left and made memories, and we put up wonderful photos around our house. I am so glad we took the vacation!!! Please go on your vacation!!! Your mother had a chance to live her life. My parents traveled the world and never apologized to anyone. I refuse to apologize anymore for enjoying what I have left!!
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lindas12 Jun 2019
I totally agree. It is important to be happy and do what you love, vacation, etc and then you come back home and spread your good up beat, high vibe, energy to the rest of your family, including your mother.
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Why not put your mom in a nursing home or assisted living? You can do what you want afterward.
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AndreaE Jun 2019
It's weird but in my culture (native american) our elders aren't usually put in nursing homes. It falls on the family to care for elders. I am born to a generation in between old customs and new ways of thinking. I've told my mom that if ever there comes a time that I cannot physically or medically care for her, she will have no choice but to go into a home. She knows this. Thanks for the reply.
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My mother is the queen of spoiling vacations. When she lived near my sister; she would get herself sick every time there was a trip. When she moved in with us; she tried it once. I said call 9-1-1 if you are truly sick while I am gone, pay the ambulance bill and go to the hospital. Once she found I would not change my plans or rush home; the game ended
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JesusLove1976 Jun 2019
So sorry for your sister! 😢
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Even if she ends up in the hospital right before you leave, GO. The hospital will take care of her and your son can check on her. I like the idea of swapping phones with your son. That will keep her from contacting you. Since she won't let anyone else help or go where she'll be taken care of, maybe this will teach her that she does need a baby sitter and you aren't going to be there at her beck and call. It's called tough love. Bless you and have fun on your trip.
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Upstream Jun 2019
Would be wonderful if she was hospitalized! Then go-go-go!!!
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Of course, you go! You need to go for renewing yourself as badly as she needs to be hospitalized for her problems.
You know she is manipulating you. You know you are burned out.
As a 78 year old mother with your mother's problems, I (EYE) give you permission to go!!! She will be fine while you are gone. Your and your sister do not need to give your mother "a vote" on what you do to take care of yourself.
Enjoy your time off with your son. Maybe bring your mother a special treat from Las Vegas.
Bon Voyage!!
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Yes You should definitely go on vacation...like it or not, everyone needs a vacation, including you. My mother is the same exact way....you need a break. Go for it.
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Do you go? Hell yes.
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One other suggestion, which I just learned from attending a memorial service. The lovely lady who passed knew that her very close friend would be out of town at a special event, and did NOT want any of her other close friends to call that out-of-town friend. She did not want her hospitalization to spoil her friend's time at her son's graduation. This was a very selfless person. We know your mother is a selfish person, and the only purpose in contacting you would be to see how quickly you run back to her. So (big ask, I know), could you instruct your care-giving son and your sister to NOT call you if mom is admitted to hospital or rehab? Maybe an exception if the doc says, 'come now if you want to see her alive"?
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Harpcat Jun 2019
I agree with that. When I went on vacation I put a block on the LTC phone number with instructions to call my sister. She would call me only if dad died! We don’t need to be on call when on vacation
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Yes she is being manipulative but you need to learn how to turn that off. Of course you should go. And I might add quit buying her salty food! You can also be responsible by not doing that at least.
Your sister is going to check on mom and your son is ok with being by himself with mom for only a week then let him do that. I say the bases are covered. If she gets bad enough for the hospital, he knows the drill. She will be in there while you’re on vacation. And if that happens, the hospital knows the drill and will take care of her. Do not come running home which would accomplish nothing.
You are worrying about the "what if’s " and spoiling the fun of looking forward to your get away.
You deserve it...just keep telling yourself that. Your mom is responsible for her choices and let the chips fall where they may. You will accomplish nothing by cancelling and you will show her that she is in control. Take back your power!!
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AndreaE Jun 2019
Thank you! You're absolutely right. I'm trying my best to cover all of the "what if" bases so I dont have to worry. Thank you for your reply 🙂
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As one who knows burnout...(10 years of bedside caregiving), I've got to chime-in and say "GO!"
Simply put, If you don't take care of yourself, sooner or later, you'll be no good for anyone else, and the longer you put-off taking your well deserved time, the worse the repercussions become.
Try to remember that you are not responsible for your mother not taking care of herself. Do not leave yourself open to manipulation from one who disregards the personal responsibility of what is, or should be in her control, not yours.
I know what you are feeling, right now.
Please ask yourself if any of this was on your mind on your Wedding Day....
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Andrea, it might be a challenge to turn off your phone, but you could swap phones with your son. You can pass messages to him, and he can NOT pass messages to you!
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Andrea go on Your planned vacatation and enjoy Yourself. Do not deny Yourself this chance as Your body and mind needs rest from being a full time Carer to Your Mom Who is I know completely dependant on You. Try to arrange Restbite Care for Your Mom so You will be certain that She is ok, otherwise arrange for Carers to call in on Your Mom a few times every day while You are away. Remember You can not Care for Your Mom if You do not take good Care of Yourself first.
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Why would you even consider not going on your much needed vacation?? You know your mother is being downright stubborn and manipulative....so be it, shes making that conscious choice. So she can deal with th consequences!!!! Go with NO guilt, and enjoy the time away, you certainly need it!!!
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I would recommend palliative care consult and hospice because quite honestly you are now looking at the end of life with this degree of heart and lung failure. The fluid in lungs and in legs indicates both right and left heart failure. She may well die when you are gone, with her history of 8 admissions for the lungs full of fluid. This can happen in moments, and when the lungs fill in minutes it is called Flash Pulmonary Edema. No, I would not take this vacation. Sadly. I think you are now dealing with the end of your Mom's life, and that hospice should be called. First ask her doctor to recommend a palliative care consult, or speak with him about palliative care. Just my opinion as an old retired RN. I normally would say put Mom in Assisted Living Respite care for a week or two where they can handle things, but I have a feeling the stress of that would only have you called while on vacation, and ruin your vacation. Sorry this is where you are.
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MJInslee Jun 2019
Sorry, but I trust this daughter would know if her mother was so dire she should not go. She doesn't say the doctors think her mother is that close to the end.
The daughter is going to be gone a very short time.
Sorry, but to me, it sounds like the mother has manipulated you, too!!
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AndreaE,
By all means and without any guilt, GO on your vacation..... you NEED it and deserve it!!

And on a daily basis at home, find something/someplace to go, if not daily, at least every couple of days when you are at home.

If the weather permits, go to a park and read a book and take earbuds/or similar and listen to music; or go to a book store that has a cafe with it and get a sandwich and read.... do things to treat yourself, ........ and do NOT tell your mother what you do on these outings, or she will try to "take it from you" by being negative and such. Enjoy Vegas!!!! (p.s. and no, NO phone calls from home while you are in Vegas.)
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Go. Get out of that house and have fun for once! Your Mom needs to behave like the adult she is and stop being a travel agent for guilt trips with you! If she crashes, then that's on her. You can't force her to change and she can't force you to stay. Since she's taking in more fluids than she needs, take the fluids away from her. She can get up to get them on her own, seeing as she's an adult.
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