My mother has lived with my sister out of state for about 5 years. Recently her health has taken a turn and she’s moving to assisted living. My sister is completely burnt out, but spends a month away every year while we cover for her. Sister is unhinged right now and even though I’ve offered all the help I can think of, it’s never accepted and she just is so angry. She thinks we’re absent siblings because we don’t live there. We have two separate trips planned to go there in the next 3 months, but we do have full time jobs in another state. She thinks we should quit our jobs and move to the state where she is. I’m honestly more concerned for my sister at this point, as she has clearly been harboring resentment and is not herself. Does anyone have any creative ideas for helping from out of state? I’ve offered to have groceries/meals delivered, pay for a skilled caregiver to give her a break, schedule appointments and drivers, keep a family Google doc of all of her info so everyone is on the same page, set up family conference calls… it all gets shot down. I’ve tried talking it out and it goes nowhere. I’m trying to keep the lines of communication open, but it’s hard when she doesn’t respond. I’m worried about her. Suggestions?
I suspect your sister is feeling some displaced anger and grief, perhaps irrationally thinking that if you’d just all moved back, mom could have stayed home.
Not really. When it is time for al, it’s usually past time.
Someone in AL will typically require at least 300 in “optional” expenses, more if dentures or hearing aides are involved, but even if not, even incidentals like shampoo, tp, Kleenex, depends etc rapidly add up. You can offer to set up and fund an instacart that sis is in charge of, and perhaps even a 1 on 1 aide.
Sometimes what’s offered feels like it’s really offered to the person being cared for, not the caregiver. Her world is probably collapsing now – so much less to do, what comes next? A gift to HER may be the simplest and best way to appreciate HER and what she’s done. Worth considering?
I'm certain he means well but truthfully if you are a sole caregiver, especially when dementia is involved, you become a shell of a person and you need consistent RESPITE or you will go insane. Which I really sorta have. My siblings are living their best lives and I'm very resentful. I'm not a martyr. I have gone to great lengths to beg for help, to be very specific, etc. One sibling won't help ever. One sibling helps in his ways and that is appreciated, but I feel very unheard and alone, and yes resentful.
It's very likely that my brother feels he made a huge & generous offer to allow me a month-long getaway. That is so far from what I need, and I have expressed my needs. Just perspective from "that sibling"....
However to the original poster I WISH I had a family member offer anything for me. Someone who cares about my well being. Your sister probably has anxiety. Sometimes asking for “what can I do?” And really listening can help. I really feared hiring a caregiver and my siblings were against it because they would “steal everything” but the one we had was amazing and went above and beyond. My grandad had to go to MC and she still texts me weekly to see how he is.
Great, she gets one month a year vacation but, then it's back to 24/7 for the next 11 months. Sounds like a frickin nightmare to me. Anyone that has EVER done the actual hands on care knows it takes days to wind down from it, so there's a week out of the month, then hopefully, siblings aren't calling with any questions, concerns or at all, that's weeks 2 and 3, then vacation is rounding down and your head starts in on all of the issues you are heading home too. That's week four. Then you get to do it all alone for the next 11 months. Lucky you, how could you be so ungrateful for all we have done for you?
Let's see, you are so exhausted all you do day after week after month is put one foot in front of the other, you do everything that needs to be done and usually everything the person you are caring for wants done. You fall into bed and pray they sleep through the night, then you sleep with one eye open because this sh!t is so unpredictable, then you drag yourself out of bed and try to be pleasant so you can take care of everything needed and most of what your loved one wants. Now imagine someone throwing ideas at your sleep deprived, automated brain and saying CHOOSE!
You can't, because you can't think beyond everything that needs to be done, what isn't done and how you just wish someone would do something without looking to you for any part of it. Maybe, just maybe someone else could make a flipping decision and do something to make today easier for you.
She should be ASKED what would help her the most. Then listen to what she has to say. Maybe it's a housekeeper weekly, a home chef, a companion for mom so she doesn't have to be tied to her 24/7 for 11 months or ? But it should be to help her not mom.
It's like when you're pregnant and everyone asks how you are doing, then bam, you have the baby and nobody asks about you anymore, it's ALWAYS how's the baby? Same thing for caregivers, don't believe me? Ask a caregiver, as you look in their eyes, how are you doing? Guaranteed you will get tears, because life is NEVER about them anymore.
So, everyone that is bashing the boots on the ground caregiver, shame on you and may you never be in her shoes.
This is one of the more profound statements I've ever seen written here. Thank you, ITRR.
Maybe your sister is declining offers to be, and use this word with care, a martyr--would that sound like her at all? But, caregiving certainly can change a person, too.
A heart-felt letter, perhaps, to her that lets her know she's sacrificed, how much it's appreciated, and the only way you can help is by (filling in the blank), and to please let you help lighten her load in these small ways.
I say small b/c offering for meal delivery, for example, while expensive and convenient, is a blip on the screen of a caregiver's day.
When I lived in a different state going to school--long before my mother became ill--I was told that when my brother referenced me it was with a bitter "she's not here" kind of thing. Resentment. And with no one ill. Just a mother who could be difficult.
As someone already said, you've done what you can do.
I'll further add...and that's all you can do.
You let your sister sacrifice her life and shoulder the burden because you’re a busy person with your life to live. Like she doesn’t have a life she should be living?
There is no easy way to be supportive (I’ll order groceries is farce). The hard part of the care giving is loving someone enough to put your life on hold to live a depressing life while waiting for that loved one to die — and life now includes mental exhaustion from death by a 1000 cuts.
Do you call your mom once a week or month and think that’s enough while the burden of everyday conversations fall on your sister? Do you want to make it your sister’s job to pacify you with sure, life is hunky dory because you made an appointment and offered to hire a stranger your mother might object to?
Creative ideas
1. Call mom every day just to say hi. Reinforce any decisions your sister makes.
2. Hire a housekeeper for your sister. Tell her she deserves to walk into a clean house.
3. Send flowers to your SISTER once a month to brighten her day. Or send a gift certificate for a facial or manicure.
4. Call your sister and tell her “I don’t understand what you’ve been through. I do know you have had the unfair burden. If you need a safe place to vent, I am here for you.” Then just listen.
5. Accept that your sister probably spent 5 years wondering where the hell you’ve been when it came to any substantive help.
As crazy as this might sound, your sister literally needs a break from your mother, as in her no longer living in her house.
When people get caregiver burnout, they need this. They need to be away from the person or people they take care of.
I was in homecare for a very long time. Nearly 25 years and most of my cases were elder care. It got to the point where my burnout was so bad that I couldn't stand to be around any elderly people. Even ones who weren't my care clients.
Once your mother gets placed, your sister will change. Then thank her for everything she's done. Thank her for making your life possible. If she didn't move your mother into her home and take up being the caregiver what would you and your out-of-state sibling have done?
Would you both have quit your jobs to take care of mother? Would you have been willing to relocate your lives to accommodate her?
Your sister has made sure no one had to make these decisions. you and your sibling should thank her well and sincerely.
Granted, she sounds like a little bit of a martyr, but caregiving for an elder takes a lot out of a person. Cut your sister a little slack. Once her house becomes her own again, she'll be better.
Yes, Sister may be heading to or already is burnt out.
Sister will need to face facts. In a nutshell: Being a lone caregiver only works for so long. She has been like a protective wolf - a LONE wolf - but she needs a wolf PACK.
Can she 'magic' a pack of sisters into reality to share the load? No.
Can she let go of some tasks, outsource, hire help, use delivery services? Yes. But she won't. What is stopping her?
This situation happens aLOT.
Reasons behind it vary. Some have people pleaser personalities or see it as their duty. Some won't ask for help due to pride, or have a wide perfectionist streak & won't tolerate other's different standards. Some actually lack trust from all non-family helpers.
It's a little like the process of sending your kids to school. That process of letting go a bit. Letting others outside the family (teachers, sport captains etc) have influence in their lives.
Sadly, sometimes it really does take a breakdown, their own physical or mental health crises to change their behaviour.
You can't do this for her.
What you CAN do is stay on message. Keep repeating it is time to rethink the plan. Make it work for Mom AND Sister. Add extra help. Moving to AL does not mean she *failed*. It just means she is ADDING a lot more help.
I’ve seen situations for years like this when one sibling does it all for the family system. It rarely works out well. Great and capable people break down when family systems become unbalanced and one member has to over function beyond their capacity.
Perhaps if you maybe acknowledged her for EVERYTHING she is doing for mom, showed her a bit of empathy, and even threw a genuine and heartfelt "I love you" into the conversation she might open up a bit and tell you how you can make a difference for both of them.
And, I know this may be way out there, but how about sending her a small box of chocolates or some bath beads or some flowers so she can get the feeling that you actually appreciate her??? Sounds to me like she may be doing a thankless job without any thanks.... please fix that if I'm right!