I am parent's care person, mom's now 16 hrs a day. I have friends who monitor mom for 2 hrs a day so I can go to work at 430 am. I have been paying her $20 a day through mom's SSI but I have no receipts nor do I know if its allowed. I need to start paying her myself but I am trying to stay afloat and keep my job and the roof over our heads. Mom has dementia but is sleeping till usually 9am, having someone listen for her makes me feel better, but mom cannot continue to pay it and I am sure I need to report as friends income but under what I don't know. She is not in my house she is in her own. Unless mom gets up, which she hasn't.
I have taken care of both for years siblings live far and don't care, about anything but their money.
2017 they took dad to lawyer at 89 sibling became trustee, there are three of us. The two of them are the majority to rule our lives they chose to not help me when dad died, I asked for a caregiver agreement so they would have to help, their lawyer told us open an account with all names and sibling was to fund since she took all dads $ out. Nothing was put in account, nothing was paid back to me, so for me to start paying help is almost impossible without letting something go I have to pay.
Pre dads death and mom living with me dad told me to go to SSI and become her payee because sibling had moms check book and hard to get help then. She gave me 4 checks 602 wrote rent on them in 2018 which I asked SSI why. She said no that's your mom's SSI, she made me payee and we opened account for it. Then CPA told me because sibling wrote rent I could not claim mom and I had to pay tax on ira $. My thought had been claim mom get refund would have gotten me back some of what I paid put for parents and it woul be used for am neighbor. Didn't happen.
Got letter from their lawyer telling me excess was more than what mom got in SSI I had to pay that. I called Medicaid they told me of dads pension it had to be sent. I dont get pension siblings do, no one cares!
There is no protection for the elderly or caregiver from greed of family members. I am trying to survive but I cannot work the second job nor overtime, I can hire agency an this pooled trust will pay it but I have asked no one starts at 430am but I take that shift to be home with mom for sundowning time.
I want this lawyer checked out, I can't afford a lawyer but have hired but he won't tell me our rights or answer my questions, he's waiting for estate lawyer to call him back for over a month.
The disgust is my dad made sure mom was protected till her death but that was changed by siblings. There are people that can't afford life on SSI like that should be on Medicaid.
We should be paying for moms care I should not be buried in debt, someone should give mom and I some rights. My sibling disgustingly gets her legal advice from lawyer getting paid by what should be moms $ and her nys job yet no one will help mom and I. I am to trust estate lawyer who lied to me, hide all.
After a year and a half I just went to see my kids and grandbabies I now have to pay all my friends for helping me care for mom my 16hrs a day were covered. RESPITE is another farce although I didn't know if I could even bring mom to a nursing home for 6 days, I actually felt better she was home with people she knew that care more than family.
There should be laws only a judge should be only one able to decide at certain age you are capable of signing not a lawyer who knows you're not but will make $ . I begged my dad to put $ away for mom's care but he had others telling him they knew better. Dad would not have been apologizing for mistakes he had made, while he was in my house with hospice till he passed.
Family is where elders need protection from. Nys has nothing and I have called them all I think any ideas ?
I will fill out family leave act, more than happy to blow up their little Medicaid deal. I can't lose my house or my job for this. Finding help is impossible, a lawyer won't help
One thing that you can do is contact Medicaid and involve them in the whole pension being taken by siblings after they reported it as moms income, which it is unless your dad is still alive and it is going to him. I promise you that Medicaid will look into any financial improprieties.
Maybe you could get mom a life alert for the couple of hours in the mornings or install a baby cam with sensors that would send you a notification if something happened and then you could ask your friend to go check until you can get there.
I hope you find a way to relieve some of your stress. Hugs !
You pay a friend to watch your mom but they are not at the house they are at yours...AND there are no receipts and I am guessing she/he is not declaring any of this income? I can see at least 2 huge potential red flags here.
This is something that unless I can get a better understanding of the situation I would say...
If you are living in mom's house..gather your things, find a place of your own and move out. Send a certified letter to sibling that has POA and inform them that as of XX/XX/2020 you will no longer be residing at...and no longer care for mom.
If mom is living in your house you could have the hospital inform the sibling that has POA when mom is brought in after a fall, after a bout of delirium, where a UTI might be suspected......Tell the hospital that she is not safe in your house and she can not return there and that the POA will be in charge from now on.
Perhaps you could print out your post, develop a series of primary categories, such as:
1. Caregiver reimbursement
2. Family involvement
etc. Then move your sentences to each category so it's easier for us to understand the issues. Right now, there are so many potential issues that it's hard to sort out what relates to which issue.
Take a break, step back and relax and then try again.
A 602 and SSI...does not compute to me.
You can call an estate planner yourself, you do not need an attorney to do this, and they charge a lot less than an attorney.
This can be scheduled to start at 8pm until 8am and then you bring in another aid to cover 8 hours and then you will be home to help her with her sundowning.
You have to work within the rules that get mom help. You also have to stop paying for mom if she has the money to do it.
I get that you are upset with your siblings, but a power struggle is not helping anyone. Do whatever it takes to get the caregiver in to help mom and relieve some of your stress.
Siblings knew I didn't want mom in a nursing home, they live 400 miles away, have never cared for parents, sibling hired estate lawyer with dads $ put mom on Medicaid, reported dads pension as income so it has to go to Medicaid or pooled trust. The pension goes to sibling, she puts it into moms account then takes it out and puts it in some other account . Her/ estate lawyer sent me a letter to pay excess, which now includes pension that sibling is getting, I cannot do that, why not just give Medicaid the money it's an extra weeks pay if I do it or I loose medicaid
My biggest issue is No one will tell me as 1 of 3 exec for dad, 1 of 3 poa's for mom if we have any rights or have been discarded as my mom was. It's sad siblings get advice from her job and the lawyer that gets paid from moms/dads $ mom and I hired a elder lawyer 4 months ago he still waiting to hear from estate lawyer, about pension.
Mom does have to start paying for care if we bring one in but finding one to match times I need is hard. She has the money I dont already in a hole.
Thank you for trying to figure out my post.
Your siblings are under no obligation to provide any care for your parents. It is no one's obligation to pay for parent's care. It's only their obligation. If they can't afford it, that's what Medicaid is for.
Totally agree with AlvaDeer that you did not keep records. Sorry but the law won't be on your side because you can't prove anything. Yes to moving out and moving forward with your life. Your mom will be ok. It's just that you won't be involved or have any control. May you gain peace in your heart as this resolves.
Need to find out why I can't get advice, or find out if I have any rights. I hired lawyer when siblings lawyer told me I had to pay Medicaid excess of $ 600. More than mom gets. No one would tell me why, till I called Medicaid dads pension moms stock dividends that siblings are getting it. I am afraid if loosing Medicaid and my job so I save moms ssi.
Hired my lawyer at Medicaid excess feasco won't even tell me if we have rights he is waiting to hear from estate lawyer for 4 months.
You ended with "a lawyer won't help" and I don't know if you mean you have BEEN to a lawyer who refused to help you, or that you believe/feel a lawyer will be of no help. Because that is who I think you need to get the ducks lined up in a row.
It sounds as though you are in charge of Mom's care at the same time that you have no power over anything. That simply won't work.
So finally the only advice I can think of is a registered certified letter to all other siblings who apparently DO have some power in this, that you will be moving out of your Mother's home (I am not even positive this is Mom's home and you live here). Give them the date you are leaving. Hire caregivers and give them the names of the Trustees for your Mother so that they can bill the Trustees for her care. That should get them there quickly enough to make arrangements for your Mom. Do not argue with them. Just tell you you must leave by such and such date and there is no way to change that, so they will now have to move Mom near them or see to placement for her. If you do remain in control of any of Mom's stuff, ie payee for her SS it is time to go to a lawyer and have that transferred to her Trustees.
Then find yourself a room and leave, do your work, save your money. Get an apartment. Visit your Mom wherever her Trustee places her when you can.
You readily admit you have been paying things and keeping no records; so that it will not matter that you say you paid things. It is as good as "not done" without real proof".
You need to disentangle yourself from all this mess and let the siblings, who wherever they live are in fact the Trustees of Mom's finances, take over. Sorry for your pain and trouble. Leave it in their hands. I don't see that you have any power in this nor any way to make it better. I think it is a bit too tangled actually for most of us on the forum to have any idea what to suggest that might help.
Wishing you good luck and hoping you will update us.