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((((aj))))) Making these changes is hard. I am sure you are grieving. I use deep breathing when my mind is spinning over things and listening to music. Stewing, while very natural and normal, doesn't help anyone - least of all, you. Your job right now is to concentrate on you, on grieving and healing and building a better life for you. A little exercise, good nutrition, relaxing time with friends or alone, a hot bubble bath, a good cup of coffee or your favourite tea, reading, journaling your thoughts and feelings - these are things that will help you get through this,

Many people find the Serenity prayer good for them.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference, living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; taking this world as it is and not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will; so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen.   

Wishing you all the best in your healing journey. Let go and let God with your mother.
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aj6044 Jun 2023
Sounds like you go to Al anon ❤️
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AJ, how are you doing today?
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aj6044 Jun 2023
I am doing ok I think. Staying busy. Working really hard to stay focused at work. I've been sleeping a lot but I don't think that's a bad thing right now at least. I deleted the security camera app from my phone so I won't check in on mom that way either.
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Its been two weeks since I've stopped contact with the care company, the social workers, and my mom (mostly). It's been two weeks of a weird (and awful) mix of anxiety and peace. It's the longest stretch I've had without an 'emergency' needing my personal attention. Mom has had to call 911 a few times because a caregiver didn't show. Almost went to the hospital once but she said the EMTs wouldnt take her?

Spoke to mom a handful of times. She asked the first day for me to come over and I said no. She hasn't asked since in the 3 or 4 times we've spoke. She did ask I stop treating her like she's dead. I said I'm not - I'm trying to re-gain control of my life and that means minimal contact. It's 50/50 every day whether I regret this choice or not. She said "I'm not asking you to come over but I am asking you to call or text once in a while." I said I will call once in a while but not multiple times a day like before.

Sometimes the anxiety eats me alive. I've had trouble sleeping or sleeping too much. Sometimes my life feels rather quiet now. Its amazing what two weeks does. I do have to go over there this week to drop off the rent. It's the one thing mom can't do because the apartment requires cashiers check. I'm trying to get mom to realize that in a facility you don't have to worry about people showing up or being alone. You'd think two weeks of poor care would make her see that.

Anyways, wanted to provide an update. Two weeks into this minimal/no contact and its so hard. I don't feel any better but my days are predictable now. Anxiety and guilt are still on my shoulders, but its been an incredible exercise in restraint to stay away and not swoop in to save the day.
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southernwave Jun 2023
My suggestion is to find a therapist who does a treatment called EMDR. Google it. I really think it would benefit you.
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aj- I hope you will get used to the idea of mom being responsible for her own life/decisions. Only then will the guilt feeling go away. Right now, you still feel responsible to make her happy.

Hang in there. Don't give in.
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I can’t say how much I wish you the best.

You did the right thing, don’t doubt yourself for a second.
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You have done more than enough. Today is your independence day, enjoy some time with your fiance and don't look back. Do something fun and breathe easy, you certainly deserve peace of mind and happiness
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(((((hugs)))) aj. You have identified one of the main things you need to deal with - the anxiety. I think it keeps many people in a sort of bondage. I agree counselling will likely help you. Find someone you are compatible with. Meanwhile deep breathing exercises can help a lot. There are many videos demonstrating it on the internet.

No question that you are doing the right thing. You absolutely are. Well done!!!
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@southernwave - I did schedule with a therapist that does that starting this thursday. I do think I have some undiagnosed PTSD. I've been reading about it and apparently its really common in caregivers. I didn't know that.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jun 2023
aj,

I dealt with PTSD from my caregiver days.

I actually had to confront and deal with several issues afterwards.

I was struggling with being extremely sensitive to certain situations. They would bring back so many memories for me.

It can be really painful to look back. For me, it took being away from the turmoil to realize just how intense it was.

It takes time to settle and find peace.

While I feel that it is important to grieve for what we wish could have occurred in our lives, we can’t allow ourselves to remain in those dark days.

I wish you all the peace and joy that life has to offer. You certainly deserve it!

I’m glad that you acknowledge that this is your time now.
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Aj, so glad you’re sharing updates here, it’s helpful to others to see your story and gain hope from your progress. PTSD isn’t surprising to me, I’d bet I have some from the way my mentally ill sibling treated me during my father’s last weeks. It was just an awful time and our relationship, while I can truly say all is forgiven, will never recover and be the same. That’s because I’m wiser after the experience. And you’re becoming wiser too, like deleting the camera app, great move on your part. I wish you continued healing and peace
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I applaud your courage to make these huge changes for your own good AND for your mom's good. You are already two weeks in. Don't give up. You have earned your freedom.
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