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Oh my gosh, you are living in a nightmare. Although it’s a dream for her! She has you right where she wants you.

You are kind. Your mom has looked at your kindness for weakness.

I don’t see this ending unless you move out.

It’s not worth staying in your mom’s home. There are strings attached to living in your mom’s house.

It’s better to be free and visit her at your convenience.

As far as brothers go, I had a brother who is now dead that was a lifelong addict. It’s horrible.

I have enormous compassion for addicts but at some point in time they have to agree to get help.

If they don’t get help they will suck the life out of everyone close to them.

I had to cut my brother out of my life. I did go see him in hospice when he was dying.

I am not heartless. I loved him as a brother but hated his lifestyle. I did forgive him.

For a time my brother lived with my mom in her home like your brother is doing.

My brother drove mom crazy, but you know what? She enabled him. She allowed him to stay. He had no incentive to fight for a better life.

When my brother was sober, he was a different person. He was warm, kind, smart and a great sense of humor. He even owned his own business.

Addiction will rob a person of everything, their wife and children, their job, their joy in life, dignity and respect from others, their health and so on.

I hope it somehow works out for you and your family. Best wishes to you.
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DMDubey76 Mar 2021
Wow. I can use the way you describe your brother to describe mine - right down to owning his own business(es). I'm very sorry for your loss. She is without a doubt an enabler for him. There is no incentive for him to be a grown up. I consciously try to limit being around him. He knows how I feel about his addiction. Knowing everything he went through in regards to his health issues and how low I've seen him, I would respect him to the moon if he got his life on track. Again, only he can make that decision. This is what I've tried to instill into my mother as well. If he knows he can live here, rent/bill free, always knowing he has that safety net - why be a responsible adult?! I've told my mother as long has he continues making poor choices and not getting help I just can't be around him. Ultimately, yes, we're in the same house - but I avoid him. I've had his number blocked for years and I've blocked him on social media. Him and my mom are very much alike in terms of loving to argue and saying deplorable things when angry or not getting their way. Again, they enable one another and feed off of each others misery.
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You and your son need to move out immediately. Make finding a new place your number one top priority in life.
Mom has made you the designated caregiver and what almost always happens first is you become the whipping post for all her anger, frustration, and resentment. You also become the guilt bank for her. She's making guilt deposits into a savings account if you will that she can withdraw and use later in her time of need. She's conditioning you to make sure you don't leave and will take care of her when she becomes needy. It won't stop there either, my friend. No, it won't. You'll also be the designated caregiver for your brother too.
Think of what mom is playing at as like a wild animal out on plains. A lion for example. The lion pees on a rock and marks his territory. That place is his. He eats first before even the his own cubs. All the other lions stand down to him because that place is his. Your mom in a matter of speaking is doing the same thing. Because you live on her "ground" and don't pay rent she knows that you're beholden to her. Even if you offer to pay her rent, guaranteed she will refuse it. By accepting rent from you it gives you certain rights and lessens her power over you. So she will refuse it and by doing so entitles her to treat you with such disrespect and blatant disregard. It keeps you at her beck and call. The added guilt is an insurance policy to make sure you stay right under her foot.
Get the hell out of there as soon as you can. The longer you stay the worse it will get.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2021
Wholeheartedly agree with your thoughts. Her mom is manipulative and emotionally blackmailing her.

Moving away from mom would be the best thing in the world.
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Reading your reply really helped in addition to your post. Please ask yourself why you feel any obligation toward a hopeless alcoholic who’s committing slow suicide and a parent who’s manipulating your time and presence, and on top of that calling you names and throwing accusations each time she doesn’t get what she wants??? Your health and future matter, please get out of this house as fast as possible. Don’t teach your son that being treated poorly is acceptable. It’s not on you that the house is cluttered by her stuff, you clean it out and it will only re accumulate. Boundaries is an excellent book, read it soon and you’ll be better able to place healthy boundaries in your life. I wish you the best in making changes
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BurntCaregiver Mar 2021
Daughter1930, the poster would naturally feel some level of obligation because it's her brother and her mother. How many people have a heart made of stone and wouldn't feel something towards them?
No one has to tolerate being treated abusively or has to become enslaved because their family needs a caregiver and one person is singled out because that's who the ones in need of care will accept.
She can still help her brother and her mother, but at a distance. Whatever assistance she offers to give, has to be on her terms not theirs.
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DM, I just saw your reply to Geaton.

Your 73 year old mother just made it LOUD and CLEAR to you that she absolutely expects you to be her elder care plan! Trying to dump guilt on you about living there "for free" and then the zinger about your son! She sounds like a selfish narcissist to me.

My advice is to move out ASAP!!
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BurntCaregiver Mar 2021
That's the oldest trick in the book, ExhaustedPiper.
To not charge any rent so the person is now beholden, and that entitles the elder to demand anything they want and to treat that person as abusively as they want.
Even if she offered her mother, even demanded paying rent to her, she would refuse it. Accepting it would mean mom loses some of her power over her daughter.
Just find a new place. The poster and her son both work full-time and have lived rent-free for some time so finding a new home shouldn't put them into hardship.
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You're enabling both of their poor lifestyle choices.

Move out and ignore any whinging she does about it.
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As I see it, you are more or less enabling your Mother, possibly your alcoholic brother as well, in being quite dependent. Your Mom may have another decade or two to live; your brother likely longer. You say this is type two diabetes; I am assuming some overweight then, as well for your Mom, both of will exacerbate her CHF, her heart condition, her lung problems.
Your Mom is in the habit of depending upon you, and in all likelihood she excuses herself with "she has FREE RENT" And in fact this is true. With free rent for some years I am hopeful that you have done a good amount of saving on your own part.
My advice? Move into an apartment on your own. Disengage. Allow your Mom to rent out the upper unit where you live rent free now, or to move her son there, alleviating some of the congestion of living with an alcoholic. This would give her either relief of a son, OR rental income to help her situation, to hire cars to her appointments and so on.
You and your son deserve to get on with your lives. If Mom is 73, and you 44 I am assuming your son may be or is of age. He will want to get on with his own life now.
This is just how I would do it. I hope you will have many who will give you ideas that you can cherry pick and at least begin to think about and plan around. You clearly are a smart cookie. You have given us above a marvelously clear idea of the situation as is. And AS IS is how it will remain. You cannot change the acts or behaviors of any of the players in the drama. You are only in control of your own life.
I sure do wish you the best, welcome you to the Forum and hope to hear your updates.
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BurntCaregiver Mar 2021
AlvaDeer, I must disagree with you on one point.
The situation will not remain as it is. The situation will most assuredly get worse. Get out now.
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The short answer (that you're probably not going to like) is to move out. Your mom is only 73! And she's already a wreck in more ways than one, and baby-ish. She's not going to change, only will get worse. Moving out does not mean you don't love her, but it puts the priority where it should lay, on you and your son's lives, not hers.

If you stay you WILL be her de-facto 24/7 caregiver. There are a lot of dysfunctional attachments going on in that home, co-dependencies. You need to create healthy boundaries because none currently exist to protect you and your son (who is an adult too, BTW). Moving out will be the main move in reclaiming your life. If you stay you will burn out and be much less able to help her. It's not fair to you or your son. I come from an Italian-American immigrant family that had the women-take-care-of-the-elderly cultural thing. I said fuhgedaboudit. Not this girl.

If you move out, then your mom will have to deal with how to afford to stay in her house, which you will begin to see is probably more like a stone tied around her neck because it's making everyone make unhealthy, unproductive decisions. Without the house the deadbeat brother will have to get his own life. Without the house your mom can afford to maybe live in a nice senior community where she'll be with others and maybe even enjoy life again. She probably is thinking "those places" like they were in the old days: horrible and depressing where people go to be forgotten and die. Well, that's not true anymore. Without the burden of trying to "keep" the house you and your son won't be guilt-riddled indentured caregivers and can move on to make the most of your young lives. If I were you I'd start by leaving. Your mom won't like it. Your brothers won't like it. But YOU WILL like it, eventually. And so glad you did it. May you have inner strength, great wisdom and peace in your heart to do a difficult but necessary thing.
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DMDubey76 Mar 2021
Interesting you should mention this. She knows that I've been looking at houses and condos (nearby, CT is small to begin with, and I'm talking in the same town/next town over). This past weekend, much to her chagrin, I brought her for a tour of a house I was looking at. It was adorable and affordable. She was NOT happy. We had a blow-out argument when we got home. She said I "used her and my father" living there rent free while I saved up money. Said she "raised my son". Which, yes, she babysat him because I went back to work full-time after I had him. Nonstop calling me an ungrateful b*tch, etc. Really trying to get a rise out of me, but I'm not an arguer. I went upstairs and ignored her non-stop texts telling me how awful and spiteful I am - and I can't leave her there with Joe (the alcoholic brother). By the morning, not through her influence, I decided to hold off on putting a bid on the house. She went from not speaking to me to now saying "Hello" when I get home from work. The truth is, our current house needs to be emptied and I'm in the process of getting quotes for dumpsters. I can't think clearly about packing up and moving until we rid the place of the crap that has accumulated. While not a hoarder per se, my mother cannot throw things away. She still has totes of her father's and sister's clothes - they both passed away over 15 years ago. She buys every small appliance ever made (air fryer? why get one when you can get them in different sizes? spoiler alert - she rarely cooks anymore). I've already started filling garbage bags in preparation of the dumpster's arrival. I get the whole "bide your time" suggestion, sometimes that's easier said than done. In the will the house is split 3 ways (of course, because that's the old school way to do it - regardless of which kid is the one that did the heavy lifting). I want nothing to do with that house when the time comes. I'll take my 1/3 of the money from the sale of it, which I used to say, "No, I don't want anything, I just want my freedom". But, I'm older now and see how much work I do for her and the house. Also, I work for one of the biggest healthcare corporations in CT, ironically enough in the senior services division. I've offered to bring her to personalized tours of the Assisted Living communities and she's not having it!
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Your Mom is only 73. If she can still drive herself around she can do for herself. That means getting together with friends and having lunch. Taking advantage of what your Community offers seniors. You are not responsible for her happiness. Set boundries now, because if you let this go on, she will get worse. A fellow member said this one time " its not enabling, its disabling". You disable when they can perfectly do for themselves but you do it for them.

I just reread your post and Mom has had a lot of loss and because of that maybe is depressed. CHF is tiring. The heart muscle can no longer pump adequately. She for now is probably taking water pills. But eventually it will mean hospital visits to drain off the water. Diabetes on top of this, Mom may be more aware of her mortality. Since diabetes effects circulation in the legs and then combine that with a heart that is not doing its job, your Mom is looking at having huge health problems in the near future. So it seems you may be "it" since ur two brothers are useless. I think you and Mom need to look to the future. She may eventually need more care than you will be able to give. She may want to turn the house over to you in case Medicaid gets involved in her care. This has to be done before a 5 year look back. (whatever it is in your State)

But all of this does not mean you don't set boundries. If anything, you start to set them now so when her health gets worse, she will allow someone else to help her. You are entitled to your life. Seems to me if you are cooking and eating out that she does see you. You take her to appts so you do have interaction. You are entitled to your life. Your weekends are yours to do what you want. One question I would ask is why her boys are allowed to do with their lives what they want but you are suppose to give up yours. She raised them and it seems she has raised selfish ones. There is no more the woman is the caregiver. Women now work to support themselves and families too. Its no longer the daughter gives up her life to care for an invalid parent.
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DMDubey76 Mar 2021
It's tough. She has the "old school" mentality of my career being "less than" my oldest brother's - because I'm a woman. She'll call and text me nonsense questions when I'm at work (doesn't matter if I'm in a meeting), she'd never dream of doing that to my oldest brother.
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