When my stepdad passed away last year, my mom decided to update her will. I decided I needed one too. We went together to a lawyer I know that I volunteer with at an animal shelter. Unbeknownst to me, her old will had me as executor should my stepdad pass away before her. We left that the same. She also gave me the POA. She split her assets, monies etc., between me & my older brother. Easy, right? Ha! She also had left in that I was to get any jewelry she had. My uncle (her brother) knew we were going to a lawyer. He also asked for her info so he could update his will. He never did though. We decided to do this because after my stepdad passed, there was a lot that my mom didn’t know how to handle. She hadn’t paid any bills, didn’t know how to use the computer, she was pretty much kept in the dark. Not because he hid anything but he was old school & did it for them both. She knew about his accounts & such. He was 87 when he passed. Several months before he passed he was in a rehab/nursing home because he fell and they were trying to help him. He had asked me to help him with paying the bills & making sure my mom was okay while he was there. And even when he came home, he wanted me to handle things. Which I did. Every week for close to a year. He has 3 kids that are great but live out of state. They knew I was doing everything for them both. So did my brother, who did nothing at all. My uncle helped them too but not with that stuff. After he passed, my mom was confused about what to do. Normal. So I helped her settle everything. From funeral, SS, finding his work pension papers & life ins., all of it. No help from either of them or his kids. Now, 6 months after re-doing her will, my brother is complaining that I should have had him & my uncle there with us when we did her will. I told him, my mom told him it was fair and split everything etc. But of course he doesn’t believe her & demands to see it. Takes pics with his phone & prints out all pages. The 2 of them study it for days and are now demanding she change it to my brother as executor or POA or both. My mom doesn’t want to. They are threatening her & telling her she better do it. My bro even said he’d take her to court, he doesn’t care how much it’ll cost. He has no money. The will even goes into if I die before her that my bro & my aunt (uncle’s ex-wife) would have joint duties & if she passed, her & my uncle’s son, because he’s a banker & we thought smart. So uncle is pissed bc we used his ex instead of him. Ok I get that. But he’s not all there anymore, sad to say. He made my mom start doling out stepdads monies to his kids before the estate was even settled. Which was the catalyst to re-doing her will. Now on a daily basis, they’re threatening to take her to court to have her change it. I asked the lawyer & she said they have no case & it’s her business not theirs, what she has in her will. She shouldn’t even have shown it to them. She did it bc she wanted them to see it was fair. My brother, who’s married with a kid in college, is not the smartest & is bad w/money. Is paranoid and thinks I’ll cheat him somehow. I would never. I have him in my own will! I’ve been calling them both but they won’t answer. So I texted them a really long text, like this one, and all I got was, “Me, u, ma & uncle are going to sit down & fix it.” Fix what? It’s done the way ma wants & it’s exactly like her original wishes. Then he says “it’s over w/you.” So I rant a little more & nothing back. Am I wrong? How could we even get back to a half normal relationship? And my mom? To force her to change it to keep the peace? There will be no peace. She would def be resentful bc if he won’t follow her wishes now, imagine what he could do later? I am also there twice a week, take her to appts, bring her to places, spend time w/her and call twice a day. Bro does nothing. Even after stepdad died. Helped w/nothing. He or his wife never called her to see if she needed anything. Ugh. Thanks for any advice.
They can’t do anything about it just like your lawyer said.
BTW the relationship is over as well .
If I was you , I would leave my assets to someone else in need or a charity instead of these relatives .
As POA, Keep good records and receipts for everything that Mom’s money was spent on , in case they start accusing you of financial abuse of an elder in a court . You don’t show these relatives anything . You only would have to show officials per the court if it even got that far . Mom’s money is only to be spent on her . If Mom plans on paying you for being POA ( or caregiver ) it should be in writing in a contract drawn up by a lawyer .
They can't do anything about it.
Personal opinion neither of them should have had access to the new Will. It is none of anyone's business what is in the Will until the person dies.
And even if both of them had gone to the lawyers office with both of you if the lawyer had any sense they would have not discussed the Will in front of others.
Don't get sucked into any discussions, arguments about the Will, about any other legal matter. If they have concerns they can consult an attorney themselves.
It was also not me that showed them. My mom did to show it was fair & square. I’m just really disappointed in the 2 of them bc they are ruining the holidays and my mom may not have too many of them left. Esp if they continue aggravating her & making her bp go up.
Someone mentioned I’m a bit wordy 😎. You don’t know the half of it! 🤣🤣
it’s all good. Thank you again!🦃🥂
Good that you don't have to act as POA as yet.
Great time to educate yourself completely on when, how and if. Start in the new year.
No, mom should not have discussed with uncle. But she did. So just tell Uncle you will NOT be discussing anything with him. If he wishes to speak with Mom that is on him and on her. Do know that with this kind of meddling and interference she may be often in an attorney office. And she may be changing things endlessly round. That's up to her if she's competent to do it, and that easily controlled and manipulated.
You should not have done so.
You are your mom's POA, and you will be the Executor. These are legal Fiduciary duties that are done PRIVATELY for your mother's PRIVATE business.
What you should have done is to say:
"Mom has gone to an attorney and has updated her will and created me her POA.
I am, as a Legal Fiduciary, not at liberty to discuss ANY OF THIS with you.
End of discussion."
That's it.
It is clear to me that you need to see your attorney once again, and I am glad that this is someone you know otherwise and can perhaps get a bit of a rakeoff on price of an hours time.
You need to ask how to keep meticulous files and records now of every penny into and out of Mom's account. You need to ask about the legal duties and duties of privacy for your actions. You cannot afford to remain ignorant of the law.
As to Uncle? You are very wordy and I am afraid this will lead to argument. You need now to simply tell him "I have learned it isn't right or legal for me to discuss Mom's private affairs or legal financial status with you. I won't be doing that from now on. I will not be discussing this with you. If you have any problem with that please seek your OWN attorney. I will be glad to discuss this in court before a judge with you."
The end. Easy? Yes it is. But the making and keeping of files and records? I did it. And the working with banks and insurance and all other entities. That is hard. You will get the idea and learn a lot; I sure did.
I wish you the best.
Since your Mom has her legal ducks in a row the act that will make her paperwork basically unchangeable is a medical diagnosis of sufficient incapacity on her clinic's letterhead and signed by her doctor.
If your Mom hasn't ever had a mini cog test or MoCA or any other of that type of test she needs to do it now, if for no other reason that to get a baseline measurement. You can discretely ask for this from her doctor in her medical portal. You need to make sure your MPoA paperwork is on file with every doctor she sees regularly.
I had to get that letter for my Mom and my Aunt. The staff is familiar with this request. You may need it to eventually manage any more complicated finances, like annuities or other investments. Heck, I had to take my doc to the DMV to sell my Mom's car and the clerk read every line of the PoA.
Once you have the diagnosis (if this is what testing indicates) then your loser relatives can scream all they want but nothing can change legally anymore.
Also, I would purchase a locking fire-proof safe for her to keep in her bedroom closet. She should put all jewelry and small valuables in there, as well as sensitive documents (checkbooks, birth certificate, passport, licenses, etc).
Put all her bills on auto pay and create portals for everything possible. I have my Mom and Aunt's cc bills paid automatically w/ACH. I don't write out any checks for any reason. Make sure you use a password keeper app!
Have the elder law attorney draft up a letter that explains what "coercion" is.
"Coercion happens when one party intimidates or uses threats to force someone to act against their will. A wide range of acts may broadly be considered coercion. Many laws and legal definitions give more clarity about what is a civil wrong or a crime."
And if they don't cease and desist that a restraining order is the act. This should shut them up.
I was Moms POA both financially and Medically. Also her Executor. Being both made my job as Executor much easier. I already knew where the important papers were and what bills had been paid and what needed to be paid. I did not have to request the POA records. Its best not to give Financial POA to one person and Medical to another.
I so hope your lawyer made Moms financial POA immediate. No need for a doctor to declare her incompetent. I had immediate for Mom but I felt that I was not incharge as long as she could make her own decisions. I was able to help her when she could no longer reconcile her statement. I had to start writing her checks and do her bills. I did not have to have my Financial POA invoked. Her medical I did. A doctor had to say she was incompetent.
Your Mom did not need to show her Will to anyone. Brother would have gotten a copy at time of Probate. A POA is not privy to whats in a Will, like you I was present at the time Mom made a new Will and and assigned me POA so I knew. And you know who resented that, my SIL not my brother. They live 7 hrs away.
I would get Mom a good physical so brother can't claim she wasn't competent when she made out her Will. Did the Lawyer ask you to leave or take Mom to another room why he was doing the Will? If so, that means he asked Mom questions making sure she was not coerced and she was competent at the time he drew up the Will.
From this point on you and Mom do not owe brother or Uncle any info. You do not tell them anything about her financials or even Medical. If she feels the need to tell them, thats up to her. But she is not obligated to. I may ask your lawyer if a cease and desist letter can be sent to both brother and Uncle. IMO, the Uncle needs to but out. Your Mom has children to help her.
My Moms bankstatement should the money coming in and going out. If I paid out of pocket, I wrote myself a check once a month. Took the receipts, put them in an envelope with the Month, ck# and amount on the outside. My bank included copies of checks written so they were proof too. Keep all Statements at least 5 yrs in case needed for Medicaid besides for proof.
Tell mom to be strong and not cave! She didn't choose them because she knows how they are. Remind her of that.
1) You do not owe your brother, your uncle, or anyone else the satisfaction of giving in to their demands. Your mother made her decision and it's unfortunate they don't like it.
2) It doesn't matter that your Brother has done nothing to help with Mom. That is his choice. Your mother has been fair in her decision to split her assets equally among her children.
3) I am surprised that no provision was made for your Stepdad's children to inherit anything when he passed. They are justified in feeling slighted. If their father had accumulated wealth and property, and it all went to his wife and his stepchildren, they are understandably a little upset. They can challenge the will in court. If so, that is a battle you will have to face.
Similarly, your Uncle and Brother are welcome to go to court to try and have you removed as POA. I don't know if a family member can remove (change) an executor who has been named in a will, especially while the person who made the will is still living. I doubt they would be successful, even if they took it that far. They would have to prove you unfit, or your mother unfit to make the decision she made. I'm sure they are all talk and no action will be taken.
They are hoping they can intimidate you - and your mother. Best to limit your time with them if they are mean and threatening.
Get an attorney and scare them with a cease and desist letter on their attempts of manipulation, harassment, threats and anything else you can throw at them. They have zero legal standing...and frankly you should not worry about saving any relationships you have with them or others who are barking. Those relationships are already gone.
You may want to discuss with attorney what your step-dad kids might be entitled to (i assume his estate passed to your mother on his death) and think what follow up steps with them are.
And then ban your bro/uncle and families from contacting your mother and insure her care facility follows these instructions.
If she is in her home get a order of protection barring them from the home.
Best wishes...stay strong.
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