For decades, my parents-in-law had a carefully planned estate, with 50% going to each of their two children or their heirs (my sister-in-law died and has two children). Since my mother-in-law died in 2020, my husband's aunt, who never had a lot of interaction with the family and lives several states away, has nudged her way into her brother's favor with compliments and claims of needing money. Our way of mitigating the problem was to have my father-in-law, who is not wealthy and has maxed out his long-term-care insurance benefits, limit his gifts to his sister to $1000 a month. This was supposed to be all she receives, but she constantly calls him with new "emergencies" and has now been given more than $130K in the last 6 years.
Not only is his primary investment account depleting by the month, but the estate plan he and his wife made while they were in their 70s was essentially shelved after her death, when his sister entered the picture.
We visit him several times a week, take him to dinner/shopping/concerts, and have devoted our lives to him since his move to assisted living in 2019. My husband is sad that his father has lost so much control of his physical and mental abilities, and although he has POA, he doesn't want to seek guardianship because it would be very upsetting to his father.
It has been infuriating to see my husband's aunt take advantage of my father-in-law and squeeze money out of him that was intended for his use during his life and for his children/grandchildren after his death. Tonight, we found out that the aunt is planning to visit him in the next week or two (for the first time in years), no doubt to try to get another large handout since the extra checks have dried up. Does anyone have experience with grifting relatives, and if so, how have you handled them?
The PoA goes to the bank first thing in the morning with the Dad and the PoA paperwork and adds his name to the Dad's accounts. Then informs the banker of the grifting relative. The PoA moves funds out of the checking account (and into a savings) and keeps only the bare minimum of cash in that account to pay bills.
While someone distracts your FIL, someone goes around and takes possession of his checkbooks so he physically cannot write out any checks. Reduce credit cards to only one. Hide his debit/ATM card. Then, a freeze is put on his credit, just for good measure. All other sensitive financial information should be kept in a fireproof safe.
Then, the PoA (your husband) calls Auntie Grifter to inform her that financial gifts of any kind or amount can no longer be made to her or any family member as the elder law attorney has informed him that the ongoing gifting will disqualify him from Medicaid, which he will need once he runs out of money.
"How to thwart a grifting relative?"
Your husband stiffens his spine and acts as the PoA, regardless of who doesn't like it.
Also, read the POA document -- it probably enables your husband to prohibit the aunt from visiting his father, or requiring the he be present with them during any visit. Talk to the Assisted Living manager. She or he can send an alert to the staff letting them know of this prohibition.
He can have a talk with his dad and suggest it. Make a case for turning it all over to POA, for dad's benefit.
Inform the bank that this relative is taking advantage of him.
In my case it was my mother’s sister. Lawyer said get it done now! You are POA, you have to act on her behalf now. So I did. Went to the bank, opened a new acct, told the bank what was going on, and had the old acct frozen except for deposits, until I could get everything rerouted. Or you may be able to add your name to the acct. my aunt had already added her name, couldn’t close acct without both signatures so this was our only option to open another. Explained to my mother that she needed someone to help watch over things, and do it while sound of mind. She was showing signs of dementia,
but I never said that to her. She was hesitant ,but I told her that her sister was getting older too ,and we needed to have “a plan”. It worked.
I shouldn’t have sat on this. My aunt was taking advantage of my mother.
Now there are sentimental things gone that my sister and I would have loved to have had. You have to do these things to protect them from someone conniving.
When the money stopped, she stopped coming.
POA carries a lot of weight. And responsibility.
The gifts need to stop. At his age he will need what he has.
I should have done it sooner. You may be surprised he may be more receptive to this than you thought.
Get the money moved, report credit cards lost, add a mailing-vs-actual address of record to you on all financial holdings. You don't need to be a joint holder on anything, but get established as POA with each institution and then check on beneficiary and POD (payable on death) designations to streamline future probate. Consider moving liquid funds to high-yield savings and/or a credit union account that offers CDs with low early withdrawal penalties. Switch to online/paperless wherever possible, set up alerts and limits, and use an email account specific to your POA role to further reduce access open to grift/scam.
It's a lot of work but less than stepping in once their assets are squandered or stolen.