My mother lives with me and her and her sister used to talk about living with each other when they were old. Mind you, this was over 30 years ago when they would have these talks. A few years ago my aunt came to visit and made a joke about if her husband dies, she'd come live with us. We kind of laughed it off and didn't respond. My mom does not want her to live with us and I don't either.
My aunt's husband just died and she asked if she could have an extended visit at our home because she doesn't know where to go. She does have health problems and probably shouldn't live alone, however she also has four children. She has her own home and one of her children lives nearby. I called one of her kids and explained why she can't come for a long visit but that my mom could visit her for a short time so she isn't alone but I'm afraid she's going to try and come to my home at the end of my mother's visit. Her and my mother will probably get into a fight if they spend too much time together, as well. They were close when they were young but have had several fights through the years and gone long periods without speaking.
She can't live here, I work fulltime and am barely keeping my head above water managing my mom and her needs, doctor appointments, 'behavior'. My aunt has complex health needs and I imagine a lot of doctor appointments, etc. How do I nicely explain to my cousins that she is their responsibility ?
Glad you had a nice vacation. I am sitting in Toronto airport waiting for my flight home. In Alaska for 11 days.
He was actually pretty helpful in explaining some things to my mom and helping her to not feel so guilty. I don't think my mom wants anything to do with my aunt but it's the idea in her head that she feels like she should do things for her. He also used the words 'feels like she would suck the life out me' about my aunt. I explained that we would have a very casual relationship with her, if that were possible, but that I don't think it is. I don't think aunt would allow the relationship to be like that, I think she would constantly be calling and asking for things and manipulating, because of this, I just don't think we can have anything to do with her. He plans to screen his calls from her and stay away.
💡
I am not entitled for the world to serve me.
If I want a thing done, I ASK someone.
If they say no, I ask elsewhere.
I may have to PAY for something I want.
🤔
So one uncle is pretty much done with aunt, and we know her children are, too. How many siblings are left (NOT including your mother)?
One of these sibs of your aunt will be designated next-of-kin. Sounds like it's one of the 2 sisters mentioned above. What has the mentally ill one doing to help your aunt?
So the criris worker did NOT call you on Tuesday?
The mentally ill one stayed over a couple of nights with her, spent hours talking to her on the phone and run some errands for her. I don't know how she ran the errands because she doesn't drive but she must have taken the bus or a cab. So this is kind of funny because my aunt doesn't really like the mentally ill one.
The MI aunt set up a bus ride for this aunt to the clinic and aunt ended up taking a cab and said she 'missed the bus'. That's not really possible because the bus does special pickups and they will even call you if you aren't outside when they get there. The bus ride is also free if you are just going to the clinic or home. So this aunt deliberately paid like 10 bucks each way to take a cab when she could have had a free bus ride. I think she's embarrassed to take the bus, they have a lift that people stand on with their walker or wheelchair that lifts them up into the bus. I think she thinks she's better than that and that's why she won't take it.
Took a taxi across the street...love it. She is something. Was she a favored child? Did her husband wait on her hand and foot?
My FIL was one of 8. His sister F being the oldest. She married a man who put her on a pedestal. They had no children. When she got a bath/shower he was right there with a towel for her to dry off. Me, my shower is my me time, the door gets locked. When her DH died at 98, she was in her early 90s. There was a 14 yr difference between her and FIL. My in-laws were moving to Fla at that time. F felt her brothers responsibility was to stay and help care for her. My MIL told her differently. The sister she made POA would not have her living with her because they were like oil and water. No way was A waiting on F when A had worked all her life to have what she did. The other sister suffered from RA so couldn't care for her. So off to AL she went and when money ran out a NH.
Mom said she told aunt that we aren't going to do things for her but did agree that she (and I, who was not home at the time) would come over tomorrow. I told my mom all the reasons I dont think that is a good idea and she counters with aunt is all alone, this is her sister, she is not going to get involved to the same level as before, yadda yadda yadda.
Ive been upset about this all evening and have come to the conclusion that my mom may feel she needs to be involved and there is nothing I can do to change that. However, that doesnt mean I need to be involved. I decided I will write out the list she wants but I'm not going over to her apartment. I also won't be driving my mom over there, she can figure out how to get back and forth. This is exactly how we got involved in this circus to begin with. Aunt would ask my mom a question, mom would try to get me to figure out and plan aunt's life. Her whole life is a logistical nightmare. I dont wish bad things for her but I am not willing to spend my little free time on her.
Say Mom, you can do/say/act as you need to. I will do same.
I think it is perfectly reasonable to say "I don't agree, therefore I will not participate".
(I have had to do this. Hard but necessary).
Writing out lists, phone numbers etc can be your last input. Mom can take (not you).
Agree not to even drive there.
I think if you are literally in sight - you will be roped in.
A fall, chest pain - any other 'attention seeking' behaviours to get her way/lure in 'the help'.
I was told once (by a mental health nurse) siblings of a severely mentally ill person often become over-involved & enmeshed, supporting the ill one or have to go to the other extreme, to 'grey rock' & keeping very strong boundaries, as the ill one needs can be all encompassing. I feel your mentally ill Aunt is a sitting duck for enmeshment! It is she who will be roped in & eaten alive next. But this is past your area of involvement.
I feel this pressure will only end once Aunt has burnt through all her relatives & crises forces her into care.
Strength to you today.
I'll bet the truth is something different.
It sounds like you've taken the first step towards getting out of your somewhat enmeshed relationship with your mom. Well done.
Good for you for refusing to participate in any informational meeting with your two aunts. Shame on your mother for STILL trying to help by getting you involved.
Haven't you already given your aunt the list of places and phone numbers to access help? But, yes, giving them a list is a good act on your part. Will your mother actually make her own arrangements to get to aunt's apartment?
BTW, my mother was the same way about accessing my area's ride service. One time we were at the coumadin clinic, and she mused, "What do people do who don't have daughters?" There was no way that SHE would ever take a handi-ride van. I was "forced" to become her driver, and she was not happy when I set strict limits on my chauffering her around.
Contrite? How so? What did aunt say? What reasons did she give for wanting you and your mom to go see her? Seems like ner usual bait and trap tactics.
Does your mom know you won't be driving her to aunt's place? If not, what are you going to tell mom when she puts pressure on you?
She seemed contrite by saying she realized she needed to do more and ask less of people and she apologized for some things. Mom actually changed her mind on her own so that was good.
You don't buy an AL apartment but you do "buy into" a Community, usually IL, then an AL and then finally a NH. Actually 90k is cheap if this is what crisis worker is talking about. And get mad because Aunt doesn't have the money? Doesn't Aunt own her house? What is being done with that?
I agree, if Mom wants to help, let her but without you. Make it plain that anything Mom agrees to is all on her. You ARE NOT getting involved. That means Mom will need to find her own rides to Aunts. Mom is not to figure you into any plans she and Aunt make. Your answer will always be no. If Mom can't do it, her answer needs to be no. Aunt has children of her own who should be doing for her. You are not using your free time to fetch and carry for her. Stick by your guns because once you let ur guard down, it will be hard to say no.
So, Auntie doesn't have her children's help, by her choice.
This situation kind of ruined my weekend so I'm heading into a long week feeling tired and stressed out. I work nine hour days M-T so that I can have a shorter day on Fridays during the summer. Then I schedule appointments for my second job on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday evenings. I fit in my homework around this stuff. If I am not at work, I take my mom and my dog pretty much everywhere with me. I need one day on the weekend to sleep in and kind of take it easy most of the day. In the summer, I try to do something fun one day per weekend, I'll include my mom if I can but somethings she just can't participate in. I love my day job, I could make more money somewhere else but I would rather like my job and the people that I work with than make a couple more dollars an hour. I left an awful work environment to come here and I don't regret it all. So that is pretty much my life, the time I have free is basically on the weekend and a couple evenings a week but my mom usually keeps me somewhat busy those times and I have to take off work sometimes for her appointments so not always a lot of time there either. My dog also has some health issues and is kind of needy so she takes a fair amount of time, too. I don't think I can do anymore than we've done.
So today is the 14th and Aunts been good for 4 days? I so hope so EM.
No, she is not embarrassed, she is hoping you come to the rescue.
I am a bit curious about a few things but I am learning not to ask questions because it can just draw you in more. My mom has been more moody than usual the last few days, I really think her moods make her medical issues worse. And if she feels guilty about that makes her feel physically worse. I just keep my mouth shut about most of my opinions but she knows I won't be anything to help with aunt.
And good for you for continuing to maintain the boundary of not doing anything to help out with aunt! I wouldn't be surprised if the other sister can't go for one reason or another, and then your mother will try to get you to take her. I know you will stand strong if this happens.
I am glad aunt was invited so that she had a chance to be around the other siblings if she wanted. It was her choice to come or not and ultimately she chose not to, so if she's lonely or trying to feel sorry for herself she has to realize that the ball was in her court.
You may or may not ever find out why Aunt didn't attend.
Your boundaries are holding up so well!
Had a friend that felt this way, people should come to her not her ask. It was always, poor me.
I did have one question, though (which you may not know the answer to) -- do your mother and your aunt regularly communicate? Or has your aunt cut down on that, too, since your mother isn't going to get you to do things for her sister.
So as time passes, I started to get annoyed and I realized the reason that B wants us to call A when we are on the way over is so she can avoid us and not answer the door or see us when we are running her errand. While I don't want to see B, I find it very offensive that she is trying to use another person to get me to run an errand for her, then wants me to call this person when I am almost to her house so she can have a warning to hide from me. And she can't answer the phone when I am taking time out of my busy day to do her a favor?
So while I am taking some time figuring out how I want to proceed in this situation, Aunt A keeps calling 3-4 times per day probably Aunt B's behest. This is not an emergency, it's just some boxes and I never committed to a day or time when A called last weekend. I finally answered one of A's calls on Wednesday and she said that B had decided to take a cab over and get the boxes herself. I thought, perfect, problem solved! All was quiet for 3 days, now A has started calling again. What little game has B come up with now?