How to get my husband to see it's his parent in need of care not mine?

I would tell him, let's hope I would do better for her then you are for your mom.

Then I would ask him if he plans on stepping up for your mom, since you are stepping up for his mom.

Tell him I said, he is a jerk for dumping his mom on you and then getting ugly because it's too much for you. Grown some backbone fella and act like a man. Sheesh!

It is his mother and if he doesn't want to be the "bad guy" and place her in a facility, then he needs to do all or at least most of the care giving. If he can't, then he forfeits the right to make the call. The personal things like bathing can be hired out, but everything else is his responsibility.

No, you are not wrong for feeling this way. He thinks he is being a good son and doing a good deed, but he isn't....you are. Tell him no.

Flip it and say how the hell would you feel if I told you to take care of my father and not complain about it. You will need to bathe him, take him to the doctor, give meds, file taxes, make bank runs, help him dress, etc. I promise you he wouldn't do it. Do not feel guilty. Tell him as his wife, you will help him shop for assisted living or memory care...whichever she needs.

You and all the rest of the family have backed you into a corner:
1) She doesn’t want to ‘be put in a home’, or even choose one for herself.
2) Family would ‘rather her stay at home’, particularly the daughter who lives interstate so can’t help her if she stays at home.
3) You and family are ‘very iffy on anyone coming in to her home to help’, so no home help is acceptable.
4) DH has a ‘flexible timetable’ (Doesn’t know when he would be working?), and anyway doesn’t want to help. (Women’s work? That’s why you gave up work?).

You are the only option left. Something has to change, and most women’s experience is that it won’t be DH. Pushing DH to help will be a perpetual argument that could ruin your marriage. Saying that you would do it for your own mother makes things worse - and most posters would say that you can have no idea in advance just how difficult 'your own mother' might be.

You can make things change by going away on holiday for a couple of weeks, or being so ill that you can’t get out of bed, or getting another job. Did you prefer working to caring for MIL? Was your wage less than the cost of AL, and they all want the big inheritance? Can you get another job? Preferably 4 days a week with flexible hours? There is no shame in saying that things haven't worked out as expected, and giving up work was the wrong choice.

Create a crisis and don’t solve it. Someone else can work it out.

@momsthing, anytime someone says ¨I quit my to be able to care for her..." - I will be honest and say - that is almost always a red flag. ESPECIALLY if it is followed by ¨my husband works 4 days a week and has a really flexible schedule.¨ - and you are talking about HIS mom. Did you WANT to quit your job and that was just the catalyst? Or did you quit your job BECAUSE she needed more care than you had time to manage and work at the same time?

Additionally - She said she does not want to be put in a home. And her children would rather she stay at home. Well yeah....of course she wants to stay in her home. Who doesn´t? But as I told my SIL just today. If everyone that wanted to stay in their home actually did...there would be no need for Skilled Nursing Facilities and Assisted Living Facilities. Because NO ONE would ever need them.

Then there is the part about her children preferring that she stay in her home. OF COURSE THEY DO. They have you to ensure that her needs are met and they do not have to lift a finger (DH) or move (Daughter) to ensure that mom is taken care of. You are their solution for everything. They get to keep mom in her home, which is what they all want, but no one has to be put out in order to accomplish the goal...

Oh wait.....

As a DIL who is helping my DH, SIL and her DH (my BIL) take are of my FIL, I can tell you that there have been times that I have had to take a step back and get out of my own way because I am often the problem. I make myself the solution way too often in certain scenarios when I should just keep out of it entirely. Specifically I have become the nominated spokesperson because I am the most outspoken of the group, and FIL was very abusive to DH and SIL when they were children, and if I am honest still is today, and I tend to be pretty strongwilled and protective of both of them, so I have become the default crusader for all things that need to be done when an argument is on the horizon. As a result this also makes me the default bad guy. DH has just recently come out of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and is extremely upset that I have been put in this position and has been blocking me at every opportunity because it is second nature now to insert myself in these conversations, and he is starting to take control which I am very thankful for.

I say all of that to say this, if you are always the solution, they are not going to find another one. Your DH could have stepped in to help his mother and didn´t. Instead, you quit your job and took on the responsibility of caring for his mother. And make no mistake, this is just the beginning.

You need to sit him down and tell him that the free caregiver ride is over, that you need him and his sister to make some decisions about their mother. If he gets angry and defensive it is because he knows you are right. This is not your responsibility to solution, it is his. And he gets angry because you are calling him out on not handling it. Tell him that he needs to begin sharing the responsibility of driving her to appointments. Start with the days he has off, you do not take her to any appointments she has. That is on him. Schedule her trips to the store on his days off. Put this back on him. If he has to shoulder the responsibility he will be more quick to find a permanent solution.

But no, you are not wrong for feeling this way. What would he do if you did have to step in right now and help you mom and you dropped what you do today for his mom to do so? What would his solution be then?

Why did you agree to give up your job?

Can you get it back?

If it was your mother would he take over the full responsibility? I doubt it since he doesn't care for his own mother, he is using you.

I've seen this over and over again here, men put wives into the servitude role.

To me, this is wrong and I wouldn't stand for it, but that is me.

OP, it would help if you complete your profile to give us more idea of ages, other relations in the mix, and work responsibilities. You could be 40 with 3 children living at home, or 60s with a husband who has retired. Your MIL could be living alone or…… So this is just a guess:

Your MIL isn’t living independently in her own home. It’s fake independence because you make it work for her. Without you, she would need to move somewhere with appropriate care for her living requirements. For example, in Assisted Living:

1) She doesn’t need to go to the store for shopping. It’s done for her. You take her every few weeks as an outing, that’s all.
2) She uses the facility’s doctor.
3) She doesn’t need assistance to pay bills for the house, or to organise repairs and maintenance. Her finances are very much simplified.
4) The facility cooks, cleans and does the washing.

I’m not suggesting that it’s just a breeze when an elder moves to AL, but it takes a lot of weight off your shoulders. It would be good to find AL places near you, and take MIL to visit the attractive ones. They often accept visitors for lunch, and a guided tour. Get her interested. The same for DH. If she has a house to sell, she should have funds to pay for AL.

It’s not about what you should do compared with what DH should do, or about what you should do for a MIL compared with your own mother. It’s about too many jobs for you to be able to live your own life, and fake independence for MIL. You need another option in the mix.

It never ceases to amaze me that DILs are expected to care for spouse’s ailing parents. I’d never do that. I’d help temporarily, but I’d never agree to be the caregiver.

Time to place MIL. Sell her house and place her in a nice Memory care. By the time she runs out of money, she will probably be ready for Long-term care then Medicaid can be applied for.

As she worsens you may not be able to care for her. Actually if she is in own home with no one there 24/7 she should not be alone. And, you do not want her living with you since DH doesn't feel she is his responsibility.

How old is MIL because if over 75 there are some doctors I would drop. My Moms PCP had her coming every 2 months for B/P and Cholesterol. State only requires 6 months between visits for new prescriptions, so unless sick between those 6 months Mom didn't go. Another Dr had been watching a thickness in her upper stomach. When it got no worse, I went to a year for visitation. If she is going to Specialists, once she is stable can go to a year or even see if PCP can take over. If she gets worse again, you go back to the specialist. As long as these Drs can bill Medicare they will. I have gone with my Mom only to have the doctor say "Everything looks good on the labs, see u in 6 months". Couldn't have called me and told me that instead me driving someone suffering from Dementia 30 minutes up an interstate? And her urinologist that wanted to still do a bladder scope 5 years after her cancer had gone away, and she was 85, dropped him. I just set up my internal and yearly physical with my PCP for the first time. (GYN retired) I was told they no longer did internals on woman over 65. Ok by me. I did not put my Mom thru that or Mammograms after she was diagnosed with Dementia. If she got cancer we would have done nothing about it.

Shopping, when my Mom could not drive anymore, I took her shopping once a week. We also ran errands that day. There was no, I forgot something. If I had what she needed I ran it over when I could. If what she needed was not an emergency, it got done when I could get to it.

Not sure how you can deal with DH. Our culture believe that woman are the Caregivers. Children are one thing but caring for an adult that has no idea what is going on anymore is another. The only way ur DH will understand what u go thru is for him to do it.

"I quit my job after 31 yrs last August to be able to care fo her more, since I traveled with my job. My husband works 4 days a week and really has a flexible schedule, if needed. She does live alone in a home that is way to big and too much for her to care for.
I've contacted a couple of homes here in our area to look at, she has said she does not want to be put in a home. Her children (a daughter that doesn't live in state) would rather her stay at home and our both very iffy on anyone coming in to her home to help."

So YOU quit your to help with HIS mother? And HE works 4 days/week and has a flexible schedule? So H and his sister want to keep Mommy happy because she does not want to be "put in a home"? The current situation suits all of them just fine, doesn't it? YOU are the help.

You need to go back to work and let H deal with Mommy. If you aren't there to be the caregiving slave, what would he do?