My mom (78) and Dad (83) live nearby and my mom has become a hoarder. They live in their home which is paid for and I provide assistance with driving them to appointments and some general help with things they can't physically do themselves. Dad can barely walk due to strokes, can't see due to macular degeneration and has moderate dementia. Mom is his caretaker and adamantly refuses to hire any kind of help.
As dad has gotten sicker, mom's hoarding has gotten worse. The house is so full of stuff she drags home from all over that I can't get into most rooms. She gets donations from foodbanks and the kitchen is so full of rotting food that I can't stand to even look inside.
I go by a few times a week to help with things and at first I would kindly suggest that I could help with cleaning. Mom would keep pushing me off saying she doesn't have time. When I tried to clean one time on my own she accused me of throwing her stuff away. When it got really bad I started to get very upset every time I came to the house and saw how they were living and it would end in mom throwing a tantrum about how she has to "care for a sick old man" so she can't do anything else. Dad gets upset when he hears us arguing but he seems pretty oblivious to the conditions he lives in.
I know that caring for dad is hard, but I think the hoarding has become some kind of psychological crutch for mom. If anyone saw the conditions they live in, social services would be called. I am at a loss. For now, I have chosen to ignore the hoarding and do what I can to keep them safe and in order to preserve our relationship since I don't know how many years they have left.
But it is eating me up inside seeing them live like this. What would you do?
Thanks for listening :-)
I tried, tried, tried to 'help' her. She actually asked for my help a couple of times. But all efforts to clean were met with pushback and I finally told her if she was just going to paw through the trashcans at night to find something I'd thrown out--there was no point to my 'help'. 3 long days of work and we'd thrown out essentially nothing.
Hoarding is most definitely a mental disorder. We see garbage and junk and they see precious items, or food that's 'just barely' out of date. Mom's place was completely covered in a fine layer of dust and bird feathers.
After she died, YB (she lived with his family) went crazy and in 2 days had emptied her place and made several runs to the dump and to the local GoodWill. It was so weird, but it's what he had to do to deal with his grief and anger (yes, I said anger--). After he had sorted and gone through everything, he calmed down. We other sibs helped, but watching him frantically just throwings things was quite unsettling.
The apartment sits basically empty now--except for those gross birds, which he'll NEVER rehome. (Guilt, I think).
Calling APS will get your mom & dad in the system. Standards are pretty darn low as to what they will and won't call 'acceptable'. I called on a 'friend' who had the cat litter box in the kitchen with litter and feces spread out across the floor. The dogs had peed everywhere. Clothes, food, junk piled waist high throughout the house.
APS deemed it liveable. I don't even think there was a follow up. I was only one of many who called. Nothing ever changed.
In your case, where dad cannot see where he's walking, maybe APS will make a more concerted effort to help. IDK. You can only try and then see what happens. Thsi is very dangerous for your dad--he needs a clear pathway to walk through--and with hoarders, that changes from day to day.
Sadly, no attention is really paid to this problem until someone gets seriously hurt. I hope you can avoid that!
Ah, insight into the why of your YB's actions in the immediate aftermath of your mom's passing and the trauma of it all. I hope that the unity in passing bequests to him have a positive impact on sib relations moving forward.
I trust that you're fully recovered from the cardiac procedure and wish you and yours a blessed holiday.
I get not wanting even more drama on top of drama.
There’s nothing you can do with a hoarders’ stuff until after they’re gone - they won’t budge on that. I grew up with hoarding - not the worst, but still, 6 storage units later, etc…etc…even great grandmother’s and receipts were considered precious boxes.
Big hug and good luck!
A flowchart provides which other services will be involved after the initial contact.
Eg child/elder/animal neglect/abuse to relevant child/elder/animal Welfare Depts. Vermin/pests to Health Dept. Lack of pathways & hoarding of flammable materials to Fire Dept - smoke alarms can be mandated.
Mental health concerns can be escalated to Psychiatric Triage.
I believe Psychiatric triage covers a wide range, mental illness but also including any apparent lack of reasoning.
This is where undiagnosed cognitive decline, dementia would fall.
The OP's Dad has dx dementia. There would need to be some assessment of her Mom's abilities to declide the next steps.
It may be plain overwhelm. With some help to decide differently, Mom could accept help & stay in her home - with more home services/cleaning/personal care help for Dad. Or be assessed for & treated for depression. Or of she has some cog decline, this be assessed fully.
However, the alternative is to skip all that. Skip this step.
Just wait until an actual crises happens to force change. This is a valid choice. But it may have serious, or even life threatening consequences.
Dad would choose to stay in his home no matter what the conditions are. Mom would refuse any kind of help and wouldn’t participate in any kind of counseling.
So I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place and completely guilt ridden. The neighbors probably wonder why I don’t do more to help them. My only sibling has retreated to another state, rarely visits and takes no accountability for anything so I am feeling like this is all on my shoulders to deal with.
The risks here are Mom's lack of self-care can keep sliding. This will slide/has already slid into lack of care for Dad.
Whether this is self-neglect & elder neglect already I can't say. But I would report my concerns to 'authorities' someone who could assess & advise.
At what point will you decide to involve non-family do you think?
A temporary guardianship may be required to get them both housed safely again.
I would also call your local police non-emergency number for a wellness check on your dad.
I always say nothing gets an elder a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn.