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Yes. I feel stuck too. Dad says he wants a cabin some where. I don't say anything. Things he says that are unreasonable or rude, I try to ignore. It isn't easy.
If he's in pain, I sympathize. Give him some Tylenol. I have been documenting, pictures and audio.

I need to somehow get my father evaluated so the doctor can recommend AL.
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JoAnn29 Feb 2020
They don't need to be evaluated for an AL. Just may need some assistance. Actually the less they do the cheaper it is. A woman in Moms AL still drove. The AL will do an assessment before he moves in. Now LTC. Yes, they have a criteria and usually a doctor has to say there is a need.
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Sorry to say that not all states are like Texas. We had a police officer who knew his Mom should not be driving. He said he was told she had to be in a car accident and the cause had to be her Dementia. Oh yeh, lets kill someone and then we will do something. The VNA I worked for had a client who should not be driving. The son was told this and said he took her to be tested and she passed. I knew this woman personally and should not be driving. Hard in NJ to take a license away. I think there needs to be legislation. Once a person is found with Dementia their driving skills need to be tested every 6 months or so.

Sorry Exhausted you have to go thru with this. Even in the early stages there is no reasoning with a person suffering from a Dementia. What u say goes thru one ear and out the other.
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Exhausted
Your mom takes the cake. I’m afraid she and I would go round and round and I’ve no doubt she would win.
I know she lives next door in a home you helped her purchase. Can you move? Only just sort of kidding.

You have done everything you could to stop her driving.

The woman who called is a nurse to a woman who has dementia. She, the nurse, can now document how out of control your mom was with her.
I think I would follow up with her to make sure she does document your mom’s behavior. Perhaps this will help build the case should you need to file for guardianship at some point. It also helps the doctor see what you are dealing with. No doubt she would have showtimed if in front of the doctor.
If you can emotionally remove yourself from your mom’s drama, become analytical and observant, a degree removed, it might help you. I know that’s a tall order. When she starts up, record her or get out your notebook and write down, time, date, what happened, it might help you distance yourself and watch for patterns to emerge. Since it was at dinner, it might have been sundowners. She will get worse as the disease progresses. So you might not get the major crisis but rather the more average progressive decline. I’m sorry.
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ExhaustedPiper Feb 2020
My mom said the nurse responded "Don't worry I won't call you again" like my mom was proud she took care of a nuisance call, and I sat there wondering what the nurse was thinking and then yes, documenting.

I do plan to call her PC. I worked as a nurse for over 20 years so I know how important documentation is, and I also know squeaky wheels get the grease. (No experience at all with dementia patients though) My mom's PC is competent, but it wasn't until I had a long talk with him last Nov that her issues went on his radar and he began to address them with her. I think he sees through the showtiming now, and her showtiming isn't that good anymore anyway. But yes, I want to make sure all these things are being documented. Thank goodness she took the neuro-psych eval last Spring, because she would never agree to it now!

I don't think my mom gets sundowners. Is that common with Alz? My mom's dementia is mostly vascular but the doctor who did the evaluation did also add in mixed etiology.

Yeah I don't know what to expect, I just know it won't be anything good. Obviously I'd rather there not be a major crisis, but I'm constantly on edge because of her uncooperative and risky behavior.

Thanks for the advice and I am trying to be less emotional about it. Your suggestion about keeping track of things in writing to more objectively watch for patterns is a good one.
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I feel so very stuck.
It is inevitable that hubs will mess up, and soon.
All the symptoms are there, and it makes me nervous.
How bad will it be next time?

And then, there are the big crises...earthquakes, fire, flood.
No places left to run!
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gdaughter Feb 2020
Ohio. :-) ?
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Oh yeah, that’s another thing, I New York State where I live, you can renew your license for 8 years!!! Crazy!! My mother still has her license!!! She will be 100 when it expires. Also when she got in a car accident when she was 85, a little fender bender, they made her take her road test again. I was in the backseat when the instructor was talking to my mother and she was telling him every fun fact, everyone’s birthday, named all of the presidents, etc. etc. well she talked her way out of taking the road test. He passed her and she NEVER even drove!!!! She just talked her way out of it. They never took her license away!!!
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bluefinspirit Feb 2020
😲
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Exhausted piper I too am waiting for a crisis. I feel for you. It’s awful. I have limited contact with her now. I only saw her once last week. My mother is 95 and is competent. She pays her own bills, goes grocery shopping. She takes call a bus. The only reason she is not driving is because she outlived her car. Her car died 3 years ago. It was a Toyota and was 20 years old. She is a gambling addict and gambled all of her retirement savings away so she couldn’t afford to buy a new car. Thank goodness!!! She could barely peek over the windshield. She certainly could not turn her head in the car while driving either. So I don’t have to worry about her killing someone on the road. She is also a hoarder. She won’t throw anything out. I have talked to an elder lawyer in the past. He said she’s an adult. She can live any way she wants. Just because someone makes bad choices doesn’t mean they are incompetent he told me. So now I too play the waiting game. It hurts. I know how you feel.
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rovana Feb 2020
At least she is not driving/killing anyone.
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My mom's doctor referred her to a local rehab hospital for driving evaluation. She failed both cognitive and driving portions. They report to DMV and is also in her permanent medical record,

Also her doctor told us, that because she has been diagnosed with mixed dementia and has been told not to drive, if she ignores and drives, and is involved in an accident even if it not her fault, that she can be held liable.


Im in Texas, and you can file a report unsafe driver anonymously
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My brother & I were stuck waiting for a crisis. It finally happened when Mom didn’t follow anyone’s advice after her 1st back surgery and had to have a 2nd back surgery 13 months later (she had dozens of falls injuring her back) then couldn’t walk after the surgery. She too, was in the very early stages of dementia but still competent.

I feel your pain.

If you feel your Mom’s driving skills aren’t up to par, notify your DMV & see what they say.
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disgustedtoo Feb 2020
Already did that - mom did an end-run around everyone, went to PA and got her license there... Not sure OP living in FL would have much sway when contacting DMV in PA.
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