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If anyone has the answer to getting a POA from a person lacking insight (before a crises) please share. No POA, do not pass Go. Yes I am stuck here too.
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I feel as though my entire caregiving experience has been jumping from one crisis to the next. And it’s not just medical emergencies. It’s been financial problems, legal issues, hurricanes, flooding, pet emergencies, sibling-provoked debacles, etc. Even during the quiet times it’s hard to relax because you’re always on high alert. I don’t like to self diagnose but I sincerely think I’ve developed stress related anxiety in the past several years. I used to dream of winning a major lottery and purchasing land for conservation and animal sanctuary. Now, since my caregiving experiences, I dream of having a not for profit respite program as well. I guess that’s the codependent in me...trying to save the world before bedtime lol.
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disgustedtoo Feb 2020
If you win the lottery, buy a large plot of land in a relatively safe area, build something that is as self-sufficient as possible and leave no forwarding address with anyone!
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I dunno - the way I see it for myself: I AM STUCK in a major crisis. And the crisis . . .seems eternal. *sigh*
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Beatty Feb 2020
Blue24, your profile says your Mother is 'determined to age in place'. (As is mine). But by not doing her housework, groceries, personal care & personal taxi she has had to outsource these. As with sooo many others, brought up to be careful with money, do for yourself & family must do values, very reluctant to pay for anything. But now she sings the praises of her helpers. She seems to enjoy the different people & cultures they come from - it's widened her world. She also knows that without them she will be in a NH before the week's end. That changed her attitude.

I don't know your crises... but changing what you do can change the bigger picture.
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I think you have to try to put yourself in you loved ones shoes. At what point are you willing to have someone else take over control of your life for you?
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ExhaustedPiper Feb 2020
Your answer is not helpful at all.
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Disgustedtoo, best answer!!! I agree!!!
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--Start compiling all her basic info--social security number, driver's license, health insurance account numbers, bank account numbers, contacts for doctors.

--Find out if she has long term care insurance. Are payments current? Call them, pretend to be mom, and ask them to contact "my daughter" (you) if she misses a payment or cancels the policy. Then give your contact info. SUPER IMPORTANT! DON'T LET HER CANCEL THE LTC INSURANCE! Most companies allow the policy to be reinstated after cancellation, if it's done within a couple months. But you have to know it was cancelled in order to ask them to reinstate.

--Create online log-ins to all of her banks, household bills, car payment, credit card.

--Create online log-ins for doctor portals--allows easier communication with doctors.

--Look for all her health coverage info. Look in her house first. If necessary, call their customer service lines, pretend to be mom, and ask for print booklet mailed to mom's house.

--But DO NOT do anything with her Social Security, OPM, Veterans, Medicare, or other federal benefits. Federal agencies don't even automatically allow POA agent to control federal benefits--they have their own applications for becoming a payee.

--Check the home insurance. Has mom recently reduced her insurance because she thought the bill was too high.

--Research local rehabs, decide on one or two. When she ends up in hospital emergency room, you'll be ready.

You get the idea. Do this by any means necessary. Have a friend or relative take her out for ice cream while you stay at the house. Take pix of paperwork with your phone while she's asleep. Do what you have to do. Don't ask, don't tell.

Every single aspect of her entire life is going to fall into your lap in an emergency, and you must be prepared. It could happen next year or tomorrow. Could be a sprained ankle or a devastating stroke. Could turn out she's been doctor shopping for years and taking multiple prescriptions of addictive, mind-damaging medications from multiple practitioners. Could be she slips on a throw rug, hits her head on furniture on the way down, and lies unconscious on the floor for days before anyone finds her--this happened to my mom.
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ExhaustedPiper Feb 2020
Your post just made me realize how much I DON'T know. Aside from having permission to talk to my mom's local doctors (minus the pain doctor) I don't have access to much of what you listed.

She doesn't have LTC insurance, unfortunately. She is also protective of her financial info. Not in a "bad" way it's just that she has always handled that stuff herself, even when my dad was alive my mom did all the financial stuff. With her fighting this slide into dependency with everything in her she is not ready to give that up at all.

I realize I'm going to need to talk to her about giving me this info, because I don't even know where to look. I doubt she'll cooperate. She'll say "I'll know when I need to give you that info". "I'll know" is her new favorite phrase.

Your last paragraph filled me with dread. I'm NOT prepared. I still have a lot of work to do. I appreciate your post though so thank you. I need to know what I have to do.
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disgusted: I just took it at face value. Not in a good frame of mind lately. :(
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ExhautsedPiper: "I'll know".

Along with "I'll manage" & My Mum's fav "it'll be ok" classic *diamond stage dementia* statement imo.

Quoted (shortened) from Teepa Snow: Diamonds are “clear and sharp”. Cutting & rigid. More posessive. Good cover skills. Like to feel competent & in control.

Let her know you are on her side & she can choose to accept your help (or not). Unfortunately she may have a few bad decisions ahead...

A work colleague's Mother kept driving against medical opinion. Many small dints started appearing on the car. Then a larger accident. The son helped get the car repaired, insurance etc. But the next accident he left the car damaged & I think even drained the petrol while she was in hospital. The skills to arrange repair etc were gone & so without his help the car stayed broken. Of course he coped many angry calls but kept repeating if she wanted it fixed, she could arrange it herself.

I hope you are not in for similar.
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Katsmihur Feb 2020
“You don’t have to worry about it” & “It’s ok, I’ll take care of it” - phrases Mom uses to impose her control & authority over her life.
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