Before I begin, I wanted to say that this site has helped me! It has been great to connect with others who share the same/similar stories.
I fear my father will soon need round the clock assistance. At one time many years ago, I felt like I could have taken care of him. But I have realized that I can not do it alone. I do not have siblings. Also I need to work in order to support myself. I feel guilty for even thinking that in home care or assisted living is what is best. Also, I know that his family will more than likely think bad of me for it. I'm not selling my home to move into his because if something happens to him, I'm stuck with it and I do not want to live in the area in the event something happens to him. I have only stayed around for him and my mom and she passed away many years ago. Him moving in with me is not an option because I do not have the space. As I stated in my first post, our relationship is strained. My childhood was full of negativity because of the treatment from him towards me and my mom. I'm very tired now from taking care of two household.. his and mine for the last 21 years since my mom has been gone.
We owe our parents nothing but to live our lives and prepare our children to be self sufficient.
Tell your dad you are not his retirement plan.
And ignore your busybody relatives.
He went from being alone in a house all day laying in bed to now having stimulating activities from morning to night doing all sorts of activities, including swimming, which he does multiple times a week with his new friends. It's really astounding.
It's sad that he is in his 80's though but I have come to realize it's a new stage of life and given the alternatives this one is probably the best.
If I knew then what I know now I would have simply told my father all the great benefits of assisted living and set up an appointment to visit with no obligation. No guilt at all!
But you aren't at fault.
You didn't cause your father's aging needs.
You can't fix your father's aging needs.
So much of it is just using the right word in your own head. The right g-word is grief. You are grieving your Dad's losses and they are WORTH the grieving.
You are grieving your own helplessness and feelings of hopelessness. And that's worth grieving.
Guilt suggests that if you are just better some magical thing will make this all go away, and it won't. So recognize that this is what is on the plate for you both, and you both hate it, mourn it. But it is here, and you both have an obligation to do the best you can with it without sacrificing your own life to it.
I sure wish you luck, but remember that words matter and it is crucial to remember you are not a felon and you are not a saint. You are a human being doing the very best you are able under difficult circumstances. Good luck Faith.
Change your mindset here and the message you send dad about his next stage in life. Remember that you're entitled to your own life too, one that's not tied down to full time caregiving, regardless of what dad expects of you!
1. Die "young", while still truly independent.
2. Ruin your family's life by insisting on staying at home, and them obliging your 100% unreasonable request.
3. Be super wealthy, and hire 24/7 professional care
4. Go into some sort of facility
Don't let him force you into number 2. It's often the children of terrible parents that feel some sort of twisted obligation stemming from childhood trauma to care for people that abused them as children. Move out and ER dump him the next time he winds up in the hospital.
For those of you younger than me , it was a game show on TV for many years .
Even your wording "I fear" is telling. What is to fear about having your dad cared for by professionals who know what they're doing? Whoever told you that assisted living is BAD? Assisted means help is given. Living means they're alive and hopefully enjoying every day! How is it good for your dad to be at home with you working and him sitting and watching TV all day in his dreary house with no one to talk to and nothing interesting happening? Assisted living has people around, things to do, little responsibility and fun.
Of course you are tired, and he wasn't nice to you and your mom. We owe nothing to people who treat us like nothing.
Your debt is paid, whatever it was. I, the Absolving Of Guilt Fairy, wave my wand over your tired body and equally tired mind and proclaim "ENOUGH!"
Don't suggest. Tell him. Tell him many times. You are not going to be doing this anymore. Help him find a good place. You decide it's a good place. Hey, anyplace with a bed and three meals a day looks like a good pace at this point. Off he goes. Off you go. Done.
So what about his family and what they think of you? Two choices there: Bundle him up and drop him on one of their doorsteps. Or go no contact with them because to you, they no longer exist. It works.
love the magic wand. Where can I get one ??
Let's see what is left;
I fear my father will soon need round the clock assistance.
Hmm 🤔 Actually that is about you too.
Fears of family judging you? Obligations because..?
Guilt (you described).
This is F.O.G.
Once you step out of the FOG & into the light - you will see that this is actually Dad's issue. Not yours.
He must decide what he will do.
Yes some may complain about missing their home or the food . But they are cared for , there is food, activities . Some adjust better than others . But you have to live your life .
The miserable ones like my mother will be miserable wherever they are and try to put a guilt trip . But she had people to talk to , she ate better , gained weight , and she was safe as opposed to living alone .
Sometimes you can only give them what they need , not what they want . What they want is to turn the calendar back about 25 years . Impossible .
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