How do you tell a parent that you want them to move out?

Oh, and don't any of you forget - someday it will be you that they will ask to leave.

You don't.

Did she kick you out as a teen when you where doing ALL the things that kept her worrying about you?

IF, you are a Christian you know the answer.

If you are not a Christian -think of all the things your mother did for you. Hug her say I love and keep her close. Soon she will be gone.

I had to do this. My mother came to live with me and my husband after my step dad died. It was so toxic. One of the hardest things I have ever had to do in life. ( even though she was and still is a very toxic mother ) was to tell my mother she had to move out. I decided one day while ahe was living there that I would rather be dead than live my life like that. It was the hardest but best decision I ever made in my life.

There are always solutions. You sound like you are frazzled and need some early nights of deep sleep. I have found Dr Christopers Nerve liquid on Amazon really helps me..check it out
.Consider a part-time housekeeper and go away for 3 days minimum...somewhere in nature..ocean, mountains. ..Going away gives distance and therefore perspective.
When you return you will have the answer to what seems so overwhelming at this time.
Bless you for honoring and loving your Mother

“Her condition has gone slowly downhill. Etc, etc. Things I never expected to happen, happened.”

What if you used that info for a springboard into the conversation about ALF?
...Mom, you have needs that we can’t offer you here, even if you feel you don’t need them, you do. We can’t give you the social interaction that you need to keep your mind sharp and we don’t have the comforts and services that you’re entitled to. It would be selfish of me to keep you here when I know they have so much more to offer you!

Maybe suggest that she seems to be a little more involved with people her own age and suggest an AL place where she can be with others.  And you don't have to worry about the money because its "her" money that will pay for stuff.  And IF you find a place, ask them if they accept Medicaid, because one her funds run down, she can apply for Medicaid.  Its not your responsibility to pay for "her" stuff.  That's what their savings is for, to pay for in their older age and needing either a place to stay or have someone to care for them.  I already know that my mother would never move in with us, because I would feel I would have to cater to her, watch tv shows that she watches, etc., so their goes my life (being a little selfish or not)....I would feel like I need to cave into their wants/desires and put mine on hold.  So........check into an assisted living (AL) place, ask about Medicaid and tell her that its time for her to be a little more independent again and enjoy people her own age.  or just tell her that you feel your relationship is being strained and want to keep it good.  wishing you luck.

I recommend finding her an AL that has a kitchenette in her "apartment". When my daughter admitted she could not live with her dad, I suggested she tell him and everyone else, that she found him a wonderful "studio apartment" in town. We never used the Assisted Living words, NEVER. It was a studio apartment, which it was. a kitchenette, bathroom, and bed/front room. My ex in Washington State and my aunt who was in Dallas, TX both had this arrangement. Plenty of things to do if they wanted to. I used to laugh when I would call my aunt and she would say, "Honey, can I call you back, I am in the middle of a (card game, lecture, exercise class, etc. ) She was told that when she got more strength she could go home, it never happened. My ex, wasn't given a choice. He couldn't live alone and she thought if she got his meds and diet right, she would have the daddy she never had (HAH). The "guys" at his AL (before covid) go to McDonald's for coffee every morning, they go on bus tours, have tailgate parties when the Seahawks are playing at home, etc. There are niche's in the hallways that have jigsaw puzzles in them.

Imho, if your mother's money runs out, then she would apply for Medicaid. Prayers sent.

This is tough but I stand firm that when an elder does things that impact the others in the family in a very negative way, they must be removed. You do not deserve the problems that come with some of these people no matter who or what the situation is. First of all, I think your sister and husband and you should all sit her down together and tell her how you feel and the impact of her actions are having on the rest of you. Then lay down a set o boundaries or rules which she must follow. Explain very clearly if these rules are violated, then this.....is what will happen and nothing can undo the next action. Either this will stop her or you will HAVE TO TAKE ACTION. As far as the money situation goes, she will eventually run out of funds so do your research now in every way and seek advice from an eldercare attorney. You will have to rely on Medicaid so make sure you do it all correctly. But you start by stating the new rules - she "obeys" or she "goes". There is no other option.

Ultimately, you have to find the 'happy' medium where you feel okay (or most okay) about the decision you make. Consider:
1. Quality of life you have now and quality of life you want.
2. How you will process feelings, i.e., guilty weighing in how you hold yourself and the life you NEED NOW and want as things progress in the future.
3. In the interim, and during Covid, perhaps get MORE - lots more - caregiver time so you are freed up for quality time for yourself/with your husband.
4. Realize how stress and the emotional and psychological draining on your health will continue to deplete you.
5. A person who is dependent will become more dependent. It will not be easy for your mother if you move her elsewhere --- although your sister made her decision not to take this on - you can do the same although not easy.
6. Realize that whatever decision you make has equal responsibility on your sister, who doesn't want to carry any weight/responsibility. It is not all on you.
7. You aren't rambling. You are trying to figure out how you can manage your own life, activated emotions and feelings that adversely affect your health and well-being.
8. Most here will give you responses based on their experience (which is what most of this website is all about). However, It is an individual decision (as someone said recently here) and regardless of what others did or do, you need to feel good about YOU FIRST, then you can be available to provide the care and attention to your mom, wherever she is.
9. Setting yourself up for CONTINUAL resentment won't serve either of you (nor your husband). It will affect your health and quality of life.
10. FOR AS LONG AS MOM IS LIVING WITH YOU: With the $ you safe with her staying w/you, get yourself regular health / stress reliever care. While [not advised now, i.e., massage], a therapist, exercise equipment/ dance DVDS [dance alone or WITH YOUR husband], I used to jog to The Villege People), yoga DVDS, flowers weekly, (more) organic, healthy foods, restaurant delivered or pick-up meals.
11. As another said here, enlist or mention MD recommendations. Often MDs (or anyone outside of the immediate family) hold more weight in opinions / recommendations. Try to ... balance 'all' input (husband, you, your sister, MD) so the decision won't feel (to your mom) that it is all YOU.

HOW I'D APPROACH MOTHER:
1. Be very clear with your own decision before you talk to her. Otherwise, she may try to manipulate you and/or you'll allow yourself to cave.
2. Assure her you'll visit / communicate regularly (enough) so she feels safe even though she may not due to change and her dependent life style / emotional needs.
3. Enlist your husband so you can talk from "we feel . . . " vs "I feel."
4. Figure out the positives for her, from her point of view. Tell her the benefits of moving.
5. As might be possible, talk to your sister and include some of her decision making in your discussion. This shouldn't be all on you. Gena

Let her go to a place that may cost for now. There are ways she can get help. Call a place where you can find a Social worker. Start talking to those that may be able to help you. I am now it’s my children and am fine. I will be going to live with my youngest daughter. I am with my son now and family. I am okay and doing alright I was talked to about the Change and am agreeable. Bring up the. Reason that she can handle why. Also maybe you need help from a counselor to help you with this

I personally think all this "DO this, DO that, is not very helpful. Every situation is different based upon resources, availabilities, and your level of comfort. I'm not going to tell you what to do, only share what has happened in our situation, so maybe you can get some ideas.

In March of 2019, I helped my mom & step-dad move from Oregon to Colorado. I had found a small over 55 community where they have no club house or other extras, it's just a nice, no frills community with 9 duplexes , so it didn't cost as much as a place with all the extras.
His health was failing and my mom has some dementia. His health was worse than we knew, and he died 6 months later. One of my sisters also lives close by. We were 100% convinced that she could NOT live by herself, but we were wrong. After he died, she stayed with me for a few nights, what a nightmare. Then SHE wanted to go home, where it was familiar. My sister & I decided to see if it was possible for her to stay there alone while we looked for an assisted living facility. We hoped she could handle it for a few weeks. Well that was 16 months ago, and she is still living there alone.

It's been a learning experience to find out what works and what doesn't. She does no cooking, except occasionally warming something in the microwave, and even then I usually walk her through it over the phone. My sister and I take turns going over everyday to check on her. We bring her a hot meal, check the house for any problems, take out the garbage for her, clean, etc. When restaurants are open, we take her out to eat occasionally, sometimes we take her for a drive. I bought a locked, automatic pill box on Amazon that has been a lifesaver. The alarm goes off 4 times a day and she turns it over and it dispenses her medications. I handle all her financial affairs, I do the shopping. My sister and I make sure, on our turn at mom's, that she has something for breakfast & lunch the next day. Her place is actually a 2 bedroom, and in the extra bedroom is a free-standing, 2-door cabinet with shelves inside. My husband put on a hasp and I got a padlock. The pill bottles are kept in there, batteries, cords for counter top appliances, paper towels (because she started flushing them down the toilet and plugged it up) and anything else we don't want her to throw out.

I recently bought a Ring camera, and my husband installed it just outside the front door. I can see her go out and stand on the porch, wave and say hi to neighbors, and see who comes to her door as well as her elderly neighbors. It's obvious her next door neighbor's adult children are doing the same thing we are, because I see them pull up everyday day and go to their mom & dad's place. She watches TV, reads the paper, does her own laundry, sometimes gets lonely, but that's what happens with everyone these days. My sister and I both call her a couple of times during the day so she is well-monitored.
Since she does have dementia, the awareness of personal hygiene is now lost on her. She doesn't wash her hands after going to the restroom. My husband is a germophobe (carried to the extreme for over 45 years, so not just because of the pandemic) so, living with both of them, a germophobe and a germ spreader, is NOT an option for me, I would lose my mind really fast. When mom gets to the point where she can no longer live on her own, she will go into some sort of facility; but for now, she IS able to live on her own and it costs a lot less than AL and my sister and I have our own homes without the 24/7 stress.
We are thankful & surprised that mom is still living by herself with just some part-time assistance. Works for us and it's what is best for the mental health of all of us. This was an option we really didn't think was possible, but is working. Maybe you have more options than you think you do. Anyway, good luck. We are all in this together.

YOU GOT THIS. Maybe a good way to phrase it "mom, I am having a really hard time juggling everything, its self-induced pressure - i feel compelled to provide for/ entertain and emotionally support you all the time- and as a result, I am feeling depleted, as I am your only source of stimulation."

"We will need to find a place for you to cultivate new friendships, develop some new hobbies, and stay more physically and mentally engaged. You are a wonderful human, I adore you. I would like to see you enjoying a new place by April 1 (whatever date), so I am going to begin touring local facilities asap." " it could be fun, lets pick a good one"

Mom should WANT autonomy. Mom should NOT WANT to drop her happiness in your lap.

Women in particular, in older age, depend entirely too much on their grown daughter to "fill them up". We are all in charge of our own joy/happiness/fulfillment. This is a personality thing, not an age thing.

Add her doctor's opinion about her health needs being more important than being closer to family- emphasize that the family will gladly come and see her. Use the positive to outweigh the negative. Explain that the assisted living does have a bus for shopping trips-- and--- that she will have all her meals provided. You all can come eat with her every so often. There will be programs and lots of fun things to do... much more fun than sitting around watching TV...

your supplimental insurance pays for a psycologist that will help you with a plan.

When she runs out of money, if she does not own a house or other property she would be Medicaid eligible and that would pay for her placement.
Explore placement options on place for mom sight.
U have to do what u can live with. Caretaking is hard, I moved in with my dad who has dementia and some days I struggle with the lack of freedom I am stuck with.
With Covid though I would not place my dad unless I could not keep him safe.
Look into adult daycare some have been open in different areas so u have to check. I would get her the vaccine and into hiring a a respite provider to come be with her while u guys take a vacation. We have a wonderful aide who will be doing overnights for me in the next few weeks. is a good place to look for help for caretakers for seniors as well as children.
I wish I well

You could try my playbook: My dad's first vaccine is this morning and now it's time to get serious about moving him to assisted living. "Dad, assisted living will be safe now so it's a good time for you to try it out for a few months... it's month to month and if you don't like that one, then we'll try another one. You need to be on your own and we need to be able to travel. We'll come see you all the time. yada yada.".
Still, even though we've said this all along (he's here for the duration of the virus... and he's been told that the whole time, repeating that he's going elsewhere... still it is uncomfortable and I'm feeling guilty and worried for him. No one is going to care for him like I do.

Ps
Put yourself in your Mom's shoes, you go from being an adult to be a dependent, and honestly feeling powerless over your own life THEN you are told, however nicely, you are not wanted, your mere presence is creating problems.
Imagine the helpless, hopeless, pain and fear you would experience.

I'm not saying your feelings aren't valid

You have two choices here. Either you suck it up and keep mom which protects her money from being spent on care, or you spend some of it so she can return home and you get your life back. If you don't want her living with her then she has to go. That's it. Beating yourself up about it with guilt over it will not change the fact that you don't want her there. Everyone needs distance and privacy even from the people they love. There is none when an elder moves in to be taken care of. What almost always ends up happening is the elder expects their family whom they've taken up residence to go far beyond helping them. They will come to expect them to become slaves to them at their beck and call 24 hours a day. They come to expect that it's your duty and responsibility to cater to not just their needs, but to every whim and demand they have. They also come to think that your life is no different than theirs and that you have no other responsibilities or interests other than them. This is why moving an elder into your home so rarely works out for the best. Granted it's not impossible to make an elder care situation work for everyone, but it is very unusual when it does.
If you look for private live-in help with a homecare website you can find caregivers and negotiate with them what the pay will be. You can check them out yourself and interview them personally. This is very different than using agency help because if you want a live-in from a homecare agency, your mom will quickly be bankrupt.
The best way to manage a caregiver situation is to understand exactly what level of help she needs.
Would it work to have a caregiver some hours during the day for her at home to make sure she eats, bathes, etc...? Then give her some hours alone until another shows up for 'sleep-duty'. That just means that they're basically only in the house so someone isn't alone. They don't really do anything and you don't really have to pay them much. This kind of care plan really cuts the cost for care.
If your mother needs 24 hour then hire two private caregivers. Have them split the week, or one does weekdays the other weekends. This saves money too. Don't go through an agency though.

can I ask the OP and other here a question? If you had it to do over again would you move your parent in? I think I will be facing this decision shortly and everything inside me says NO. But it is so hard to say. My hubby doesn’t want my mother in our home. She has made no attempt to make plans for herself even when promoted and supported. She flatly refuses any other option. So I’m curious. What would you all do if you had a do over?

Use mom's money to add an addition mom quarters to your home and add cameras so you can kerp an eye on her 24 7.

Between a Caregiver and your Sister. Go on a week vacation at least twice a year and tell your sis you need her to take mom once a month for the weekend to give you a break.

Also, once a week have a date night, hire a Caregiver while ya'll go out rather it's getting away, just to have a picnic or go out to eat or just go for a drive.

I feel so bad for you and can relate. My father lived with us almost 5 years and it took over our home and marriage. It affected who we could have in, when and whether we could travel, when we had meals, and it turned our private lives upside down. You start to resent every little thing about them when they need you the most. It is hard to tell a loved one that you don’t want them to live with you anymore - you feel like it will break their heart. But the longer it goes on....the harder it is to undo the situation. I think you have some good advice here. Tell her (after doing so) that you have found some nice nursing homes where she will have her own room, have social activities, meals, etc. and let her visit some with you. Emphasize that your are not a nurse and fear that you will not be able to care for her as she goes downhill and you are doing this for HER good.
Good luck - it’ll probably be the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do. Please let us know how it goes.

My mother lived with my husband and myself for almost two years. It was a lot of stress. My husband was very good to mom and didn’t complain.

However, mom complained about him every day. When he was within 2-3 months of husband retiring mom moved out. One day she said, “I think I should get out of here.” So, I used that as a stepping stone. I told her that it was probably a good idea before Jon retired.

Maybe you can looking for opportunities to suggest your mother move. Having to be caregiver is stressful, but doing it 24/7 with little appreciation makes it awful. I do not think a person should have to give up their entire life for someone else. Life is short. Do what you need to do.

My mother is happier now.

Good luck.

I have the opposite. I moved in with both parents (I’m a widow...had taken early retirement so I could take an opportunity that arose for me to be a principal of a school overseas...a dream of mine). My sister insisted I come home that I was more needed here. 1.5 years ago I did. I found my parents did NOT need 24/7 care nor did they like having me in the house 24/7. I took a part time teaching position to keep out of their way...but then the pandemic hit! I decided I would move out for the sanity of all of us. I’ll be 10 min away and able to continue to provide the level of care I have been doing. Best wishes in your decision-making. It is so hard!

I would start with researching what services are available for seniors in your area and what she would qualify for. Does she have any veterans benefits? Sometimes there are long wait lists for subsidized senior apartments if there are any in your area. You won’t know your options unless you start to do your research. If your sister doesn’t want to deal with the physical care of your mother, maybe she will help with calling around. I was surprised at how much time for private pay I could squeeze out of my mother’s resources once I started researching.

There is no easy way to ask a parent to move out. You don’t say what kind of help your mother needs. Does she need help with meals or bathing and dressing? Does she have memory issues? What would happen to your mother if you were not around or unable to provide her care? That’s how you need to plan. Like you are not an option. And it’s not uncommon for caregivers to be so stressed they end getting sick themselves.

A little editorial here: the people on this site that feel children should let their parents live with them and make long term sacrifices to their own health, happiness and finances, must have a very narrow view of family relationships. Families are complicated. Some are happy and loving, and some have long histories of abuse and unhappiness. And everything in-between. Raising children, who will for the most part become independent, is not like caring for a parent who will only continue to decline and need more and more care and become more and more dependent. Some families have worked together well to care for a parent. It’s wonderful to see when it happens. But most people on this forum are really struggling and have little to no support and are at their wits end.

If the perfect option for your mom fell in your lap tomorrow, you might move her out. But there will be no perfect options and you will second guess yourself. My SIL has been struggling with making a decision to place her husband with early and severe dementia in a facility. She first visited an elder care attorney for planning. What cinched it for her was her husband had to go to the hospital for a few days. During that time she got sleep, felt calm, had some time to herself, got to go to Starbucks and had time for her teenage daughter. She was like a caged bird experiencing freedom for the first time! She loves her husband and feels like caring for him is a blessing, but her own health is falling apart, her daughter has “lost” both parents, and her mental health is suffering. She will be placing him soon.

Good luck and I’m sorry you are struggling with this issue.

Mmn. Just been reading your profile. You haven't decided on quite a lot of things, eh.

If you're quick about it, you might yet restore your nothing-like-old mother to the quality of life and adult autonomy she ought to be experiencing as a comparatively fit 75 year old.

Try a project along these lines, see what you think:

You and DH pick somewhere you want to go for a week or two.
Book it.
Source a community or facility that offers respite care/trial stays.
Explain to your mother that while you and DH are away having a nice time, you have arranged for her to be beautifully looked after and kept company.
If you pick your place carefully, you should find she's in no hurry to come back to you.

She's 75 and still driving. In a pig's eye does she need an ALF! - what she needs is stimulation and encouragement to be more self-sufficient. Rather than dreading this and the guilt you might associate with it, look on this next phase as an opportunity for your mother to rediscover herself.

My mom lived with us for 6 months when she decided to sell her house and forgot to plan for where to live afterwards. Long story short, she moved in with us and it was supposed to be "until she found a place of her own." Mom likes to live her life according to her own preferences (don't we all) which included eating chocolate chip cookies in bed (ANTS! ANTS! ANTS!), wandering the house until 4 am (I am a very light sleeper), and can't smell the odor of must, mold, or body odor. She had a problem with me cleaning her rooms and I had a problem with the odor (had to take allergy medication for the mold and mildew in packing boxes).

After 4 months, my husband and I came up with house rules for long term and short term "guests" (We live in Florida; so guests are frequent). After reading that she would need to bathe more, allow the rooms to be cleaned more, stay in her rooms after midnight... she decided she was ready to move. It took me 2 months of taking her to see places, but now she has her own villa (1 story on ground floor) in a small condo community. It isn't senior living, but she has plenty of retiree friends and can live independently (for now) with me visiting weekly.

If your mom needs help, enlist others to be "helpers": family members, friends, members of your faith community, and paid help for whatever mom can't do without help. I take mom shopping and to doctor appointments (her eyes are starting to be a problem), my husband fixes things in her home monthly, she can walk to church if she wants to, and she has friends in her condo community if she she needs help and I am not available *they all have my phone number in case of emergencies).

Perhaps you could try a different approach. Instead of explaining the reasons why she should move out of your house, you could share with her the benefits of assisted living. She would have her own apartment, new friends, lots of activities and events. It is like living in your own home-only with assistance immediately available. There are options on the fees. She could share a room with someone to cut costs or opt for a studio apartment.

Assisted living facilities often provide respite care. The family member is allowed to stay for a few days or nights (some have minimum stay requirements). This would give you a much needed break and you could do it as often as you need to. It's like staying in a hotel-only there are caregivers there to provide any care she might need. They will manage her medications as well while she is there. Who knows? She might enjoy the respite so much that she will decide she wants to live there permanently!

Againx100 I'm currently dealing with the same dilemma. I recently shared with my three siblings it's time for us to look for assisted living for our mom. Like you my mom is capable of doing a lot more for herself than she does. Even when I tell her I'm tired she will say I know baby and then walk away from the dirty dishes there from me cooking her dinner. Her days pretty much consistent of sitting in her recliner and reading magazines all day. She believes that her children should take care of her and obviously even when she's capable. My mom is 83 and has the beginning stages of dementia but needs very little assistance with most physical things. She's lived with me for 6 years now and my home has always been her only option. Not having another sibling being able to take her leaves assisted living as her only option. The guilt is killing me but I have to make decisions that keeps me healthy and sane especially when dealing with my newly diagnosed illness. Taking care of myself has to be a priority. I keep reminding myself that she has four daughters not one and this should be a we issue not a me issue. I hope you find peace in whatever decision you make just make sure it's based on taking care of yourself first.

Find another home with an attached “apartment” and set some ground rules. Ask siblings for financial contributions