Hi all, I’m pretty new here.
My 76 year old mother has all of her faculties, and quit a job she loved in late 2018 due to tensions with management. She did not think about her next phase in life, only stating a couple of times with pride that "her kids would never put her in a nursing home." This is ironic, because she worked in an assisted living retirement facility. I prompted her to set up social security and Medicare A and B, which penalizes her monthly stipend (she waited too long to apply- I was in my 20's at the time and didn’t realize they do any of that), so it’s not enough to live on. Though she has several older children, her 3 youngest daughters (we're in our 30's) all pitch in every month to make sure her rent and utilities are paid, groceries, etc. I was the one to initiate asking if we could all do this, as long as we don't unfunded our own futures.
We started the financial help in Dec 2020 so she could move into a downstairs duplex in the same neighborhood as myself and my sister, where she can walk to visit me, or visit with my sister's children, and learn her surroundings. She lives next to my niece's elementary school and across from a historic house where they have a few community parties, and I think overall is safe. She chooses not to participate in the world around her, and it's been years since she's walked to our houses. She will not move again, she tells us. I also can't have her live with me... I couldn't handle it.
No life insurance, doesn’t want to talk about it. Doesn’t mention if she wants to be buried, cremated. Refuses to look at her bank statements (I asked her to add me as joint user because she was not budgeting at ALL).
My issue is, in the past 2 or 3 years she refuses to go anywhere by herself, we have to be attached at the hip, and I can't even drop her off anywhere alone that she likes to be. She has also gotten increasingly negative, says she doesn’t like people, but also states she gets so lonely. Watching nothing but YouTube decorating shows and hallmark movies, that's about all she can do with technology aside from text a bit.
She has a new upstairs neighbor in the duplex who is about my age that wanted to introduce herself and mom refused. I wanted mom to at least know who's living next to her. Since mom doesn't leave her unit, she treats any movement or sound from her new neighbor as an infraction, and reports it to me. It is exhausting. I have her over on Saturday evenings for dinner and a movie, but we had a falling out this week about her behavior, and I am taking a break this Saturday for myself.
I always make sure she has dinner and groceries (my husband runs items to her when I mentally can't handle it) but I do feel bad that she is not socializing when she has the opportunity to.
I will mention that although I am happy to care for her while she ages in place, there is a history of emotional abuse from her growing up. She would tell me I was no help, accuse me of doing drugs and s*x, and ask why I couldn't be like my sisters. Never apologized, and back then, she said she didn’t do anything to me. The current dynamic where she is lashing out and being negative, refusing to go places feels a bit like I'm back in middle school again. I can't handle it.
I'm sorry for the long post, but I would love advice from those trying to live their lives while becoming caregivers to their parents who were abusive or angry at the world and who also refused then and now to prepare for their golden years and final expenses.
I cannot be responsible for my mother's happiness and neither can you. You are seeing she has food. If she needed care you could make sure she got it. That's all you can do.
You and your sisters help financially but can you do that forever, even as costs increase for you and for her? You mention your husband drops groceries when you can't emotionally do it. How can you keep this up for 20 more years? Set your limits NOW. Everytime she claims you would never put her in a nursing home she's trying to manipulate you. Don't let her do that.
Get to an elder attorney and discuss the paperwork needed for Power of Attorney, Medical Power of Attorney, etc. and then take her to get all of the paperwork issues established and signed so that you and your sisters and other children can legally do things when the time comes. Have a discussion with your mother about what you will and won't be able to do for her. She will cry, yell, etc. Ignore all that. Just get your groundrules established. Let her know that you will NOT be joined at hip and that you are NOT responsible for her happiness. I finally told my dad that the only thing I could promise is that he would not be hungry as I'd arrange for food to be delivered to him and that I'd assure he got to doctor's appointments - basic health and safety and nothing more. Luckily he had sufficient money to cover his expenses but you need to let her know that at some point you won't be able to do that and she'll need to have a different plan. Ignore her comments about the neighbors and don't worry about her lack of socialization. Not your problem. She's a competent adult and can handle those issues on her own. Don't accommodate her bad behavior and her learned helplessness.
I learned the hard way that trying to be nice and accommodating to my father was a very bad path as he came to expect and needed more and more but all I was doing was prolonging the situation as it was never going to get better, only worse. You need to be clear in YOUR mind what your limits are and enforce them, now.
Hang in there, my Mom is the same way and it sounds like my Mom was similar to yours when I was growing up, too. I've done a lot of soul searching these past 2 1/2 years since she has lived next to us and I've been helping to care for her needs. I offered to build my Mom a house (literally build it with my own two hands, along with my boyfriend). And I have felt nothing but bitterness from her since we did that for her.
Her ungrateful attitude brought back many memories from my upbringing.
My Mom always sees the worst in people and has always been negative and pessimistic toward us kids as she raised us.
How do you deal with those feelings while still trying to be kind and loving towards her?
Thats the million-dollar question, isn't it. For me, having strong faith in GOD has gotten me through these times. I hope you can use that strength to help you. Also, I am finding out that silently putting my foot down and taking that quality time for myself helps a lot. Telling myself to NOT feel guilty for putting my own mental, emotional, and physical needs first. Otherwise, I can't do any good for anyone.
Please remember...your parents' resentments, bitterness, and unforgiving nature is their baggage to carry, not yours. I've tried fixing my Mom and discovered that at 86 years old (with her attitude), she can't be fixed. Sad, but true. It's between her and GOD now.
She is also very negative and also never visits me — I always visit her. For holidays or celebrations we do at my house but I go fetch her and take her back again. She very rarely leaves her house and never checks her bank account, which I am on with her. She has “learned helplessness” and she was abused as a child, then had me very young. I never doubted that she loved me, but she did “enmesh” me and unconsciously made me feel responsible for her happiness. Luckily my dad had a good pension that carries over to her so she can afford to live as she does without financial assistance.
She also seems to have very little interest in going anywhere or meeting anyone. She also never EVER goes to the dr. Sometimes I worry but other times I’m like I do enough and can’t get sucked into that.
Setting boundaries can be very hard. But the fact that you know she could never live with you (same here!!) and sometimes you need a mental break— LISTEN to those feelings. Those are boundaries. Set them, keep them. Because she won’t. And maybe can’t.
good luck!!!
You tell us that you have a history of being abused by your mother. I am not certain if you realize she's still doing it, and never stopped. She has been negligent in thinking she could survive on Social Security, and now, when you and your siblings SHOULD be saving for your own elder years (SS isn't meant to and cannot provide adequately for anyone EVER) you are instead giving money to this woman who was irresponsible in her own choices. Who will give you money when you are in need?
You believe that you are helping your mother with all her needs despite an ungrateful attitude on her part, but in all truth you MAY be harming her. You are encouraging her dependence and enabling her not moving out into the world.
This simple Forum cannot go into what has occurred to create this situation over a lifetime, Eclectic, but we can tell you that a GOOD psychologist (none of that online nonsense) can help guide you on different paths of thinking that aren't self-harming and habitual.
We CAN wish you the very best of luck.
I know you see what life is around yourself. You must know that pouring your own income into your parent, and feeling responsible for her since she was 70, isn't the norm. It isn't sustainable generation to generation. Do get some help and SAVE yourself.
NOW I must know how you chose your name! The Pothos are a variety I much love, and they seek to turn my normally spare space home into a jungle.
You cannot afford to orbit around her more and more.
Your own lives and marriages are a priority, which does NOT mean you don't care about your Mother. But if you and your marriages and families get burned out, your Mom will be in a pickle. Her needs will increase with every passing year, then month, then week. Just read some of the other posts under Burn Out on this forum.
Your Mom currently has no PoA. This means none of you siblings have any power to manage her affairs or make decisions in her best interests. But at some point, *someone* needs to have this legal authority. Unless you/someone pursues guardianship through the courts ($$$), then when things get "bad enough" for your Mom in her current home, you call APS and eventually a judge will assign a court-ordered third party legal guardian for her. Then you and everyone else are permanently out of the management and decision-making picture. But you can still carry on your relationship with her, wherever they transition her. Our family's experience with this was a good one and we were grateful for this solution.
It's possible your Mom has depression, or mental health issues or is actually in the beginnings of some type of dementia (and this may be the reason she became unemployed and told you a different version than reality). Or, she may have another health issue going on which may have a treatment.
If you are able to coax her in to see her primary doctor using a therapeutic fib, an accurate diagnosis may be helpful to her and her family. Tell her that to continue getting her Medicare, she needs to go for her free annual wellness check up (which they do offer). Plan to go with her and be in the actual appointment with her the entire time, no matter if she fusses about it. Prior to this visit call her doc's nurse and tell them you are concerned about her mental/cognitive status and to make sure to give her the cog/memory test, and maybe also check her for a UTI. The cog/memory test may be illuminating to you.
I don't think you can do anything about her refusing to assign a PoA other than tell her what eventually happens to people who get older and then don't have one (see above).
Your original question is: "How do you decide when to stop doing as much for an aging parent?"
I think you decide right now because it will take a while to work out the solution for her ongoing and future care.
I wish you success in getting her the appropriate help and care she needs, and having boundaries that protect you and your family (and finances) from burnout.
I personally think the older children need to step up a little. This would help the 3 younger ones with some of the kaous that can develop.
I'm 71 and my mom is 92.
She also doesn't like to socialize by going out to visit people or family, but is quick to complain about being by herself or not seeing grandkids.
We invite her to activities like weddings, showers and B-day dinners but she declines because no one talks to her.
I'm just coming to accept that some of her issues are because of her decisions. We can't solve things we can't control...
Keep trying your best and give kudos to the hubby for helping.
Your mom needs to be placed in a personal care home. She will fight you, so reach out to Elder Care Attorney and Department of Aging.
End of the day, it isn't your job to entertain her or fix her problems. Elder depression is a real thing, but its one of the most difficult things to get them to get help for. Hang in there
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