Follow
Share

We’ve actually been to visit 3-4 times since aunt was released from quarantine about 2 weeks ago but she still does not recognize myself or my cousin and we do visit. After about 15-20 minutes, she seems to get agitated, so we leave. My cousin seems to think she is pretending she doesn’t know us but I’m not sure. Since she lost her hearing aids, it seems like we are screaming at her when we visit so she can hear what we are saying. We feel bad for not going and have talked about it but it’s like she really doesn’t know the difference if we would be there or not. We are trying to get her affairs in order as best we can and was hoping she would be able to give us some guidance but that doesn’t seem to be the case. TIA

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
If your mother doesn't seem to know you or care whether you visit, you might make fewer, shorter visits, but it may be important for her care that the NH staff knows you are coming. My mother was in a very pricey nice NH and almost blind, and very deaf. Communication was difficult, but I went almost every day, and sometimes at different times of day. Once I was about the enter her room, and the aides were changing her because of an accident, and I heard one of them say, " Law, we got to get her cleaned up because That Daughter is coming!"
Just a thought.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Sooze54 May 2022
You really don't know what's going on in a care/nursing home when you're not there. My husband had a stroke, and is at the mercy of understaffed nurses and aides. He also has to be changed every 4 hours, and that comment you mentioned the aide said was totally unacceptable. Care, need and dignity are truly lacking for anyone who is unfortunately dependent upon strangers.
(0)
Report
Are you and your cousin going together? That can be more distressing and more confusing, especially with lots of shouting. If you talk to each other during the visit, it might be even worse (‘something’s going on between these two, and I don’t know what it is all about’).

Perhaps try one at a time, just sit down, hold her hand and smile. It’s an easy option that might work better.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Maine127 May 2022
It has been 1 at a time as to not overwhelm we only went together for the 1st visit.
(2)
Report
How does the staff say she is adjusting to the NH?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Maine127 May 2022
They said she’s great cooperative for them eats drinks etc which she really wasn’t doing on her own. She hasn’t asked to see anyone which leads me to believe that she really isn’t faking now knowing us ?!
(0)
Report
Give yourself credit for your empathy. Know that there is not much you can do to alter her situation or emotional state. But just having someone who stops in to visit is important to them. Some days will be better than others. You have very little control. The brain and the ears are connected. If she can’t hear, she can’t comprehend and by extension, her dementia will appear worse. If there is a safe way for the staff to keep track of them, and to charge them daily, hearing aids can be a game changer. I wish you all well. Your caring heart is admirable.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I am sorry your cousin isn't better informed about her Mom's diagnosis and condition. That will make it a good deal more difficult. Try to help her seek out information about the mind struggling with dementia.
If visits upset the elder it may indeed be much better to keep them fewer and shorter. The visits that do no good and in fact do harm and hardly worth doing.
As to guilt, no one here is a felon. No one here is an evil doer. Everyone is suffering grief here. That's the appropriate G-word and words we say to ourselves truly matter. Evil-doers who SHOULD feel guilt never do. And those who are grieving all the losses they witness and live through are a whole other category.
I wish you all the best.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter