We both work, and she is far from an easy person to deal with.
She is financially able to pay for caregivers, and we have had several good people with her, but she runs them off. Mom is 93 and while there are signs of dementia, she is still mentally aware of the money being spent, and she is a control freak. As the only daughter, she believes I should move in and take over her care full time. I am married and my husband comes first. I make sure she has good caregivers, take her to all appointments, and keep her stocked with the groceries, medications, and other things she needs.
.sometimes she has arguments with them. Forget about vacations or working full time or doing things with hubby....You won’t have time or energy. My brother just comes to visit once every 1-2 months for an hour or 2. He has a life ....Everyone at SNF warned me it would get worse but I didn’t listen to them....I share hours with paid private caregiver....& set my alarm every 1am to change her diaper....
Please don’t make the mistake of becoming her caregiver as you would say goodbye to your life & hello to anger & resentment. Stick to your guns. Hugs 🤗
I had a hard time with a parent who went demented and wore me to a frazzle. Luckily he had the wherewithal to pay a woman to do his morning care in the assisted living place. Looking back, he should have had more paid help, but i wasn't able to see it at the time. No way i could have afforded it. My siblings were either dead, dying, or weird. No help there.
I'm of the opinion many of us live longer than nature intended and I plan not to do that. I don't want to repeat what is a wasted effort in the long run, keeping going when I should be eaten by a predator and returned to nature.
There are a couple great success stories above! This month I’ve got my mom moving to an independent living apt. where there are services and activities on site that she can get to herself, we’ll see how it goes. One monthly fee covers all the utilites, etc., bills I’m always paying now, and if anything breaks they have a repairman. I do the stuff you do, and can keep it up, but not the rest.
A phrase I use over and over is, “Remember you were saving money all your life? Turns out this is what it was for.”
She was reluctant but after staying with me for a few weeks after a hospitalization and seeing my on-the-go life, where she spent most of the day and evenings alone, she agreed to a trial stay in AL. It was a revalation, 3 meals a day, laundry, housekeeping, on-call assistance, etc. and she decided that was the life for her.
We visited several facilities before settling on one near me, her friends, and other family. It’s been 3 weeks and she is happy and healthier than I have seen her in months. She can sit in her room and watch TV or go to the common room and socialize if she wants company. And at 91 she one of the oldest and most physically active residents.
its a journey and there were moments when I felt guilty but stand your ground. One of the directors told me "now you can be the daughter again." Instead of doing chores I can sit and visit with her.
My late mom & I lived states apart. She would come visit abt 3 times a year for 1-2.5 week sets after dad died. I’m a freelancer so I’d visit 5-6 times a year solo or with kid & hubs (working remotely) in tow. Whichever way, we did not drop everything cause she was visiting or we were visiting her and center on her. We both knew what our lives were like other than being together for an event. The visit kid & I arrived and the gas was on the stove unlit and mom was in her bedroom happily watching TV & folding clothes, I put her on waiting list at ILs. She very well knew we had full lives & I wasn’t going to become her live in caregiver. Day of the move she was frozen in fear, in tears, dramatics. Next morning I called abt 8 AM to see if she was up and remind her to her apt tag hung outside her door by 9 AM for daily staff hallway check. Day after ditto. Day 3 called...no answer, waited 15, no answer, again, no answer, it’s 9:30 AM I’m getting dressed to rush over, death scenarios running thru my brain & call one last time..... she answers totally out of breath,
me: you ok mom? I’ve been calling.....
mom: yes thought I heard the phone ringing, had to rush back to get in, have to go, the van is taking us to Steinmart.
click.
We all can learn to adapt & adjust.
Do NOT allow your mother to bully you into doing something you have no interest in doing. She lost her marbles.
i Have the exact situation with my mom. They may be twins! Lol. Seriously, I M always feeling guilty even though I know this is how she manipulates me. She WILL NOT accept help from anyone but me. Believe me I have tried. I’ve hired helpers, enlisted neighbors, begged unwilling relatives and tried to setup things she could do herself. She has sabotaged every one. She wants me. Only me. And she has clearly stated that. And she too, has said I should come to live with her. Even though I have a full time job, a husband, two adult children, hobbies, church, and life in another town an hour away. I do as you do. Run her to appointments, groceries, financial matters, clean her house, repair things, etc. I’ve done this alone for 7 years. Mom never drove. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said you cant move in with me and I’m not coming here to live. Doesn’t matter what I say or how I say it. She is determined. Holding this boundary is exhausting and she is adding to the guilt bank every chance she gets. Oh she says she loves me and appreciates all I do for her but she will make no plans for the future and will not pay for help of any kind. She only cares about what she is “leaving her children”. When I had major surgery which they suspected was cancer (it was benign). She gave me three weeks to get better. Then she fired the person getting her groceries. After the fourth week I had to get back to helping her again. Sorry I don’t have answers but I do have sympathy for you. I have walked this path for a long time. It is abusive. Sometimes I say I’d rather take a beating. Because if I was bloodied and bruised people wouldn’t look at me and say “what a good daughter” I am.
Forget about what other people think. They aren't the ones with blood, sweat and tears, trying to keep her happy.
I would start setting boundaries with your mother. You can shop on line for groceries (I did) and they deliver. One problem solved. If she doesn't like it, she can find another way to the store.
You are not respecting yourself by giving in to her every whim and you can see it in your post. It's ok to set limits with our parents. The first time you stand up to her is the hardest. It gets easier as you go on.
Please take this in the spirit in which it was intended-to free you from being consumed by guilt.
Does she? Has she said as much? Or is it more that you think she thinks that? I'm wondering if you have actually talked about this with her.
I know because my elderly mom lived on her own for over 20 yrs after Dad died. She had to give up driving after getting lost, driving over curbs, etc..Her nutrition got bad because she wanted potato chips and ice cream. After fighting with my older sister for over a year, we placed her in memory care. She is good there, very well cared for..now, we can go see her and actually visit with her instead of cleaning and gathering laundry and taking food. She is now 95 and physically healthy, but dementia is bad...she should have been in this home five years ago.
Let her stew on what that looks and feels like for a few days.
She may come to appreciate all you do for her, if not, next stop a facility.
That emotion (guilt) is EXACTLY what she is using to get what she wants.
Bravo for you that you put your hubs first. That's the way it should be.
Mom is throwing a tantrum (by running off caregivers). She needs to suffer the consequences of her actions. Only then will she see how important they are to her. Whatever you do, do NOT give in.
Like Tothill said, "NO" is a complete sentence. Not "I'm sorry" with a big explanation because she will use your reasons against you. "I can't." End of discussion. Walk away if she nags or whines. This is a tough love situation. You being her solo c/g is not a healthy decision. You are an adult (her peer) and should make decisions based on what is right for you and your immediate family. No parent should "guilt" their child into giving up their life to cater to them (in my opinion).
You are doing plenty for her. She will be forced to accept your decision. She is fortunate that she can afford good help. Maybe you could bring up going to a nursing home. I'll bet the c/g's would look pretty good in comparison to that.
I made it abundantly clear to my parents years ago that I would not give up my life to care for them. I will set up supports, but not provide hands on care nor financial support.
No is a complete sentence.
"Mom, I absolutely cannot do that"
Or, a more modern approach:
"That's never going to happen".
Allow your brother to speak for himself.