My 77 yr old Mum has lived with me for the past 5 yrs. I work full time as a first responder, separated and have 2 teenagers in the house as well. Her health (kidney) has been declining over past few years and with that comes even more dr and clinic visits on my days off as a shift worker.She takes over the living room early morning and watches tv until before bed. Every time I need to use the kitchen she finds an excuse to put away a dish or get a snack. I just want to be able to spend time alone in my kitchen and living room as I love to cook/bake and her bedroom is just off the living room on the main floor. Her bedroom has a tv.I don't want to banish her to her bedroom, but I really crave alone time as my job is high stress. I've already tried to get her out to a seniors club but sue doesn't want to.
Tell Mom you need time to yourself. No problem her watching TV in the living room when your not home but when you are she needs to watch TV in her room. Maybe make a rule that after dinner she goes to her own room so you can have some me time and catching up with your kids after working all day. Kitchen...we have 3 generations of woman who have said "stay out of my kitchen when I am in here". My Mom, Me and now my daughter. That would have been a boundary the first week Mom lived with me.
Call your Office of Aging to see if the supply a Senior bus or know who does. Mom should be perfectly able to go to a Dr. alone on the bus. They take people shopping too. Some have outtings. Maybe tge Drs. office has a portal you can set up and then see what went on at her appt.
Its OK to set bounaries. I did without even knowing it. I worked pt and appts had to be made on my off time. We went shopping one day a week and ran errands then. I took her to Church on Sunday. We ate out 1 day a week and she joined us. We had 2 couples who met us there. One was Moms age, she sat with them. The other was our age, we sat with them.
I also cut down on Moms Dr visits. One Dr had her coming back every two months. No reason why, so I cut it down to six months. Specialists, once she was stable, I cut her down to 6 months to a year.
If Mom has money, maybe time for Assisted living. She will have an efficency apt. 3 meals a day. Socialization, outtings and activities.
Make a list, and call a family meeting. Your Mom & 2 teenagers will get rules set up, to protect your sanity! You have a hard job so need PEACE when home from work. Here's some examples:
TV. Mom needs to watch TV in her own room when you are present in the house (after work & weekends.) Mom has all day while you work to watch TV in the living room.
Rent. Hopefully she is paying you RENT. She should ALSO share the cost of utilities, buy her own food, do her own laundry and clean up her own mess.
Mom should be helping you with some household chores (as well as the kids too). You should tell Mom what to start for dinner before you get home. Mom and kids should be the cleanup crew, including dishes.
As far as Mom having a social life, or needing transportation, she needs to get that arranged herself, not depend on you to drive her anywhere! She can take an Uber and should start learning how.
Tell her if she can't follow these BASIC rules, she can look for another place to live. Mom and kids need to realize if you get burned out, or something happens to you, who will be taking care of them? Who will be paying for it?
You should have been getting at least $500 month rent from Mom, plus her share of household expenses. You could save $500 a month in a secret account, for future things. Do the math! Five years = 60 months at $500 per month = $30,000 you could have stashed (TAX FREE) for major purchases or vacations.
Ask yourself, did Mom move her own Mother in when she was in her 40s, and do all the work involved?
Make sure Mom pays a minimum of $500 a month, period. Life is not a FREE RIDE. She should have planned for her old age and not use you as her caregiver.
Remember that this almost certainly will get worse, so this is a good time to start setting up different options.